Why is he pursuing me?

[lonelysiren]

There is a guy who I started speaking to on Instagram one day after I liked one of his music posts. We started speaking from then on, getting to know each other over a few days. We really hit it off, had loads to talk about, had things in common, even some subtle flirting. He’d reply like lightning! I thought we were becoming interested in each other. I then added him on Facebook and was shocked and a little disappointed to see he was engaged to someone. He confirmed he was with someone but we could be good friends.

From then I backed off and wanted to respect that he was with someone but selfishly I still carried on letting him talk to me, because I admit I couldn’t seem to keep away and he seemed to be the same. Like a strong energy between us. I also didn’t want to cut him off as I was aware he was having relationship problems. I thought maybe it was worth planting a seed and acting like the cool friend then if they were to break up eventually, I wouldn’t blow any future chance.

He persisted talking to me and I was unsure where it was really going as sometimes, he’d send pictures of himself kinda posing, selfies and videos talking with his top off, showing me his new hair cut…etc letting me compliment him, knowing I'd find them hot.. (but nothing too full on) stuff that none of my guy friends would do. His behavior was sometimes mixed signals.

Turned out he was a client of the accountants I work at (I’m the receptionist) he came in one day to say hi and drop his paperwork off. He seemed to eagerly use this as a way to come and meet me in person.

I asked one day - “so, we should hang out” to test and pick up his true vibe, but he avoided making plans. I thought that would be the end of this but fast forward to present time - We still talk every single day. Overall, it’s been 2 months of constant talking, texting, voice mails. He is still with his GF (which I know isn't fair on her) and nothing has actually happened with us, so I wonder why he continues to pursue me so much?

He’s shown that he has no intention of meeting me to cheat, or even properly hanging out as a normal friend would or act the way a normal friend would. (I have male friends, and we don’t act like this) He just seems to want to chat to me only? 

So, I came to the conclusion that maybe he does like me a little, surely? but is not prepared to end his relationship? He probably likes having the exciting chick to talk to on the side? I stroke his ego? I fill some kind of void in his boring relationship? maybe he’s lonely like me? or does he like just keeping me there as a backup just in case he ever becomes single? Of course, he could just simply enjoy talking to me and like me as a person, however it seems so intense for just that? so it confusing. It seems there’s something more.

He knows that I like him.

There has been days where I've pulled away for a day or so to try to completely stop talking to him and forget about him as it’s not going anywhere … but he seems to just keep coming back. Still messaging me all the time popping up in my inbox all of the time. 

Recently he deleted his Instagram as he didn’t want social media anymore but moved our interaction to WhatsApp, showing that he still wanted to carry on talking to me. He doesn’t seem to be losing any kind of interest or fizzling out. Does he like me? I don’t get it.

I feel kinda sad right now as I'm so attracted to him, it’s a shame to connect with each other so much but he’s unavailable, he’s taken. We're 'friends' that don't act like just friends. I should forget about him. 

I don’t know what to make of this situation any more or what to do.

 

[Sun Seeker]

5 minutes ago, lonelysiren said:

I don’t know what to make of this situation any more or what to do.

 

You know exactly what to do, what you should have done as soon as you found out he had a girlfriend. Stop wasting your time talking to him. It's really simple.

'Hi it's not appropriate for us to be talking like this whilst you are in a relationship. If in the future you become single let me know, but until then it's better we stop our communication.'

Then you carry on with life without him in it.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, lonelysiren said:

but is not prepared to end his relationship? He probably likes having the exciting chick to talk to on the side? I stroke his ego? I fill some kind of void in his boring relationship? maybe he’s lonely like me? or does he like just keeping me there as a backup just in case he ever becomes single?

All of the above. 

Forget this guy. Don't be that girl that doesn't respect another woman's relationship, even if her Stooge of a boyfriend doesn't. 

[elaine567]

You hope he is keeping you there for some purpose, but in reality he keeps you stuck in limbo.
You are not really any further forward than the day you first "met" on IG.
He monopolises all of your time for no obvious benefit to you.
He is an intense penpal, but shies away every time you suggest anything real, BECAUSE he is ENGAGED.

Step away, he is wasting your valuable time, time you could spend trying to find a real bf.
 

[Crazelnut]

He doesn't like YOU. He likes the ego boost you're giving him. He likes having you chase him, especially because you're doing it knowing full well he's taken. How desirable does THAT make him feel? 

You know what you need to do. 

[d0nnivain]

He loves his GF. You are a meaningless dalliance.  

[smackie9]

This is pretty much an emotional affair...he is cheating with you emotionally. The way you two carry on is like dating. This is not a very nice guy and you should step away from your addiction of him asap. Why would you even hope to see if you can get with this guy? Guys like him continue to emotionally cheat with other women, and no doubt he would do this to you if you two did get together.

Edited May 12, 2021 by smackie9

[lonelysiren]

On 5/11/2021 at 4:16 PM, d0nnivain said:

He loves his GF. You are a meaningless dalliance.  

This is something that has stuck in my mind for the past of couple of days.

A hard pill to swallow right now but thank you for saying what I needed to here.

[lonelysiren]

On 5/11/2021 at 11:45 AM, elaine567 said:

You hope he is keeping you there for some purpose, but in reality he keeps you stuck in limbo.
You are not really any further forward than the day you first "met" on IG.
He monopolises all of your time for no obvious benefit to you.
He is an intense penpal, but shies away every time you suggest anything real, BECAUSE he is ENGAGED.

Step away, he is wasting your valuable time, time you could spend trying to find a real bf.
 

thank you for your words and spelling it out for me.

i must find a real boyfriend yes. he is not real i guess.

[lonelysiren]

On 5/11/2021 at 3:58 PM, Crazelnut said:

You know what you need to do. 

to just completely stop contact

Edited May 12, 2021 by lonelysiren

[glows]

On 5/11/2021 at 2:14 AM, lonelysiren said:

I don’t know what to make of this situation any more or what to do.

You do know what to do but it's difficult to do because you're too attached. Mention briefly you no longer wish any contact and wish him the best. That's all you have to say and go your separate ways. 

Since he's a client where you work, remain aloof and professional. Rethink everything - yourself, your outlook, what you want out of your relationships. You were looking for attention from a taken man and that's bound to spell trouble and heartbreak. Why set yourself up for so little? You can choose otherwise.

[lonelysiren]

3 hours ago, smackie9 said:

This is pretty much an emotional affair...he is cheating with you emotionally. The way you two carry on is like dating. This is not a very nice guy and you should step away from your addiction of him asap. Why would you even hope to see if you can get with this guy? Guys like him continue to emotionally cheat with other women, and no doubt he would do this to you if you two did get together.

It is an emotional affair. It just took me some time to realise what was happening as I have never found myself in this situation before, the kind i didn't think i'd ever get myself into. We connected very strongly before i knew he was with someone so it was so hard to let it pass.

 'Why would I hope to see if i can get with him' you ask? - someone talking to me and treating me as though i'm almost their girl. Someone asking me how my day is, wanting me for a second and actually being interested in me for a little while. I know that must sound incredibly sad. it is sad. i'm sad.. as I've never found love. A part of me just wanted to know what it would feel like for just a moment, even if it meant being the other woman he left his girlfriend for - Thats the brutally honest truth.

My self-worth took a back seat within the hope of this working out, but it hasn't. I have been playing with fire so i've gotten burnt. I let him use me for whatever reasons they were.

It's something that now has to come to an end. 

thank you for the advice.

 

 

 

[lonelysiren]

23 minutes ago, glows said:

You do know what to do but it's difficult to do because you're too attached. Mention briefly you no longer wish any contact and wish him the best. That's all you have to say and go your separate ways. 

Since he's a client where you work, remain aloof and professional. Rethink everything - yourself, your outlook, what you want out of your relationships. You were looking for attention from a taken man and that's bound to spell trouble and heartbreak. Why set yourself up for so little? You can choose otherwise.

Thank you so much.

I do know yes and it is difficult.

I do wish him the best.

I set myself up for a fail.

I need to move forward now and let this go.

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, lonelysiren said:

This is something that has stuck in my mind for the past of couple of days.

A hard pill to swallow right now but thank you for saying what I needed to here.

Sorry for being harsh but this is not a good situation for you,  Put A LOT of distance in here for your own sanity

[ExpatInItaly]

On 5/12/2021 at 8:19 PM, lonelysiren said:

Someone asking me how my day is, wanting me for a second and actually being interested in me for a little while. I know that must sound incredibly sad. it is sad. i'm sad.. as I've never found love.

You won't find it here, either. Quite the opposite, as he sounds sleezy and cannot date you anyway. 

You have to let your logic and common sense rule here, and not your heart. 

[smackie9]

On 5/12/2021 at 11:24 AM, lonelysiren said:

Thank you so much.

I do know yes and it is difficult.

I do wish him the best.

I set myself up for a fail.

I need to move forward now and let this go.

OP how are you doing? any updates?