One Month Post-Breakup.

[Robw9677]

Read a book about grief recently that mentioned how support groups can help with the processing, etc. so giving this a shot

A little over a month ago I got broken up with over the phone the morning after our last date at my apartment (movie night), that along with other experiences here has made it difficult to be in my apartment at all, along with various other triggers including just thinking about cooking in general, wanting to see her car anytime I pull into my complex, thinking about various places, parts of town in the city I live in. In the words of this book I read recently "there's no place in your life this loss has not touched." 

This was the first person I ever had in my life that, romantically speaking, actually liked me back. Said so verbally and said so with actions, etc. I'd faced pretty constant rejection going back as far as 5th grade at the school dance up until prom, to pretty much every experience I had in college. After the breakup I said I wasn't going to be one of those clingy exes it was hard though. I still cared about her and wanted to keep in touch. I guess at a certain point, the breaking point was me trying to compliment over instagram and I got blocked, blocked on insta, twitter, tik tok, phone number, you name it. The breakup hurt but that with just the realization that it is *over over* I can't even reach out in months if I wanted to, there is basically no chance I ever see her again. 

To add to all of the above and below I've dealt with mental health issues, anxiety and depression for a good portion of my life. I shared with her the issues I'd had, she shared with me issues she'd had and felt like that added to our level of connection. So just to have all that and one, to have that just disappear just one day, poof, and then secondly, it feels like the block and the ignoring is a complete dismissal of the issues I'd had. There's still a part of me that's holding out hope that we'll work things out but I know thats irrational.

The reason I come here today especially is because for whatever reason, whether it is my self-esteem, wanting to get under someone, what have you I was scrolling through Hinge, the dating app. Was just liking through profiles when it felt like I got hit by a double decker bus. Saw her profile. I could tell she updated it recently since she had her college graduation photos from just a week or so ago. When I saw that it legitimately made me feel physically sick and I'm still laying here in my bed just feeling absolutely frozen. 

I know that all was a complete ramble, I wrote paragraphs out of order even. I'm doing everything I can and can think of to make things better, I'm getting out of my house, I'm eating multiple times a day, I'm going on walks, I saw a therapist, writing about all this in my journal... but this wound still feels as fresh as it did the morning we broke up. Am tired of this pain and just want to shout it out, maybe into the void and maybe someone will reply, who knows. 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Robw9677 said:

I was scrolling through Hinge, the dating app.  Saw her profile.

Sorry this happened, you're doing all the right things.

How long were you dating? What was the breakup about?

Just a thought. You are on hinge so why wouldn't she be?

[Robw9677]

53 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened, you're doing all the right things.

How long were you dating? What was the breakup about?

Just a thought. You are on hinge so why wouldn't she be?

Hi Wiseman, 

Thank you for reaching out. So the reasoning for the breakup at least from my understanding: she had a breakup last fall/winter that was extremely challenging. I guess I was moving things too fast and she needed her personal space to find herself/not going to do any dating etc. and just needed her own space. That alone has been hard enough because it felt like we were talking about a lot of stuff out. Then to see her on hinge felt like a mini-betrayal. 

[ItsTheDay]

1 hour ago, Robw9677 said:

Read a book about grief recently that mentioned how support groups can help with the processing, etc. so giving this a shot

A little over a month ago I got broken up with over the phone the morning after our last date at my apartment (movie night), that along with other experiences here has made it difficult to be in my apartment at all, along with various other triggers including just thinking about cooking in general, wanting to see her car anytime I pull into my complex, thinking about various places, parts of town in the city I live in. In the words of this book I read recently "there's no place in your life this loss has not touched." 

This was the first person I ever had in my life that, romantically speaking, actually liked me back. Said so verbally and said so with actions, etc. I'd faced pretty constant rejection going back as far as 5th grade at the school dance up until prom, to pretty much every experience I had in college. After the breakup I said I wasn't going to be one of those clingy exes it was hard though. I still cared about her and wanted to keep in touch. I guess at a certain point, the breaking point was me trying to compliment over instagram and I got blocked, blocked on insta, twitter, tik tok, phone number, you name it. The breakup hurt but that with just the realization that it is *over over* I can't even reach out in months if I wanted to, there is basically no chance I ever see her again. 

To add to all of the above and below I've dealt with mental health issues, anxiety and depression for a good portion of my life. I shared with her the issues I'd had, she shared with me issues she'd had and felt like that added to our level of connection. So just to have all that and one, to have that just disappear just one day, poof, and then secondly, it feels like the block and the ignoring is a complete dismissal of the issues I'd had. There's still a part of me that's holding out hope that we'll work things out but I know thats irrational.

The reason I come here today especially is because for whatever reason, whether it is my self-esteem, wanting to get under someone, what have you I was scrolling through Hinge, the dating app. Was just liking through profiles when it felt like I got hit by a double decker bus. Saw her profile. I could tell she updated it recently since she had her college graduation photos from just a week or so ago. When I saw that it legitimately made me feel physically sick and I'm still laying here in my bed just feeling absolutely frozen. 

I know that all was a complete ramble, I wrote paragraphs out of order even. I'm doing everything I can and can think of to make things better, I'm getting out of my house, I'm eating multiple times a day, I'm going on walks, I saw a therapist, writing about all this in my journal... but this wound still feels as fresh as it did the morning we broke up. Am tired of this pain and just want to shout it out, maybe into the void and maybe someone will reply, who knows. 

I'm kinda in the same boat as you, it's been a month since she broke up with me and 2 weeks later, she already met someone else. She wasn't on a dating site looking, she's already found someone. Last time we saw each other was on the 5th of this month, when I was getting the rest of my things out of her house which the 5th was also the day after our anniversary would of been of 8 years.  I then confronted her about the other guy, she denied it 3 times that she wasn't talking to anybody, said she has nothing to give another man and there is no other man. I told her I knew and how I know isn't important, she then said yeah she did meet someone through her friend but he's nothing but a friend. I already know they went out on what would of been our anniversary. 

It sucks, and women can be cruel, so can men but for some reason women move on faster, way faster. 

[Robw9677]

9 minutes ago, ItsTheDay said:

I'm kinda in the same boat as you, it's been a month since she broke up with me and 2 weeks later, she already met someone else. She wasn't on a dating site looking, she's already found someone. Last time we saw each other was on the 5th of this month, when I was getting the rest of my things out of her house which the 5th was also the day after our anniversary would of been of 8 years.  I then confronted her about the other guy, she denied it 3 times that she wasn't talking to anybody, said she has nothing to give another man and there is no other man. I told her I knew and how I know isn't important, she then said yeah she did meet someone through her friend but he's nothing but a friend. I already know they went out on what would of been our anniversary. 

It sucks, and women can be cruel, so can men but for some reason women move on faster, way faster. 

Damn man I'm so sorry. At the same time I hope my ex is doing ok. She mentioned over the phone regarding the breakup that she was still processing her last one and needed her own space to find herself and all. If she's done that already and is ready to get out there again I'm happy she's doing better. At the same time I wish we could give things another chance. 

 

[ItsTheDay]

6 minutes ago, Robw9677 said:

Damn man I'm so sorry. At the same time I hope my ex is doing ok. She mentioned over the phone regarding the breakup that she was still processing her last one and needed her own space to find herself and all. If she's done that already and is ready to get out there again I'm happy she's doing better. At the same time I wish we could give things another chance. 

 

How long we you two together for? And how long was it before her other relationship ended? 

[Marc878]

Don’t linger or chase. All at does is push them farther away and waste your time.

Most who come here are smoking the hopium pipe looking for a magic fix. There isn’t one. 

Move on and cut contact.

 

[Taramere]

1 hour ago, Robw9677 said:

To add to all of the above and below I've dealt with mental health issues, anxiety and depression for a good portion of my life. I shared with her the issues I'd had, she shared with me issues she'd had and felt like that added to our level of connection. So just to have all that and one, to have that just disappear just one day, poof, and then secondly, it feels like the block and the ignoring is a complete dismissal of the issues I'd had. There's still a part of me that's holding out hope that we'll work things out but I know thats irrational.

The reason I come here today especially is because for whatever reason, whether it is my self-esteem, wanting to get under someone, what have you I was scrolling through Hinge, the dating app. Was just liking through profiles when it felt like I got hit by a double decker bus. Saw her profile. I could tell she updated it recently since she had her college graduation photos from just a week or so ago. When I saw that it legitimately made me feel physically sick and I'm still laying here in my bed just feeling absolutely frozen. 

I know that all was a complete ramble, I wrote paragraphs out of order even. I'm doing everything I can and can think of to make things better, I'm getting out of my house, I'm eating multiple times a day, I'm going on walks, I saw a therapist, writing about all this in my journal... but this wound still feels as fresh as it did the morning we broke up. Am tired of this pain and just want to shout it out, maybe into the void and maybe someone will reply, who knows. 

First of all, have you cried about this?  I had a pretty nasty conflict recently, and one of the things I did was cry in a near hysterical way to a sympathetic friend over the phone.  There are some people who will find that frightening to deal with, but if you're feeling a lot of distress and pain a good cry is incredibly healing.  Sometimes that's all a good friend or a volunteer on the end of a helpline needs to do.  Wait patiently and non judgementally while you cry.  I say "all" but there are people who really can't deal with tears...so when you need that kind of healing, they're the people to avoid.

Regarding journals, I think they can be very useful...but probably more so if they aren't simply a record of what's happened.  So you could maybe record different coping mechanisms you've tried in the aftermath of the break up and assess which ones have helped you to stabilise, and which ones have maybe contributed to your distress rather than alleviating it.

A situation like the one you're in is undoubtedly hugely painful.  It's a personal crisis.  It's also an opportunity to learn effective crisis management.  There are a lot of people out there who have suffered from mental health problems (especially in the midst of a global pandemic).  Some of them will emerge from crises armed with better coping mechanisms for the future.  Others will employ negative coping mechanisms that they might come to rely on to a degree that worsens matters for them in the long term.

You are in crisis, and as well as bringing pain it's bringing you an opportunity if you approach this as a project to be managed with the aid of every positive support you can find.  You've probably encountered cognitive behavioural therapy before.  It can be a bit limiting in terms of not always allowing people opportunities to talk about their personal history in detail, but I think one of the positives it offers is that it helps us to see just how much our thinking patterns can impact on our mindset.  We're limited in the resources we're allowed to link on here, but there are a lot of good, free mental health resources out there which can elaborate on how thinking errors impact on our ability to cope with crisis, disappointment etc - and how we can start to change that thinking, even when bad memories we have constantly push us to carry on catastrophising, or jumping to conclusions, over-generalising and any of the other common thinking errors. 

As well as challenging our own thinking, this can help us to be a bit more selective in how we take advice from others.  My brother, for instance, is very well intentioned - but has sometimes given me advice worded in a way that contributes to my more negative thinking patterns. Which I think is not at all uncommon, since thinking errors are very commonplace and contribute greatly to negative thinking.  Challenging him on that would not accomplish anything positive, but what I can do is reframe his advice in my head so that it's worded in a more constructive way.

When you're in the midst of crisis, it's easy to feel so overwhelmed by the sadness that practical advice for managing personal crises can seem a bit stilted and hard to connect with.  But you've started this thread, which can potentially be a reference point for you as you're making progress.   There's an online course called Beating The Blues which is used by a lot of health providers (including the NHS in the UK). So it's very reputable.  It might be that your health provider will be able to refer you to it for free.  I think something like that can be a really good tool in helping you to track progress.  Even if much of it is stuff you're already aware of, it could serve as a good reminder to put the theories and advice associated with better mental health into practice.  Sometimes it can seem as though there isn't much out there in the way of mental health assistance, but used in the correct way there are some very good free resources out there which might prove invaluable in your journey towards managing this recent break up crisis and progressing towards better mental health.

[ExpatInItaly]

17 hours ago, Robw9677 said:

I guess I was moving things too fast

Can you elaborate on this? 

[d0nnivain]

On 5/11/2021 at 9:12 AM, Robw9677 said:

I've dealt with mental health issues, anxiety and depression for a good portion of my life. I shared with her the issues I'd had, she shared with me issues she'd had and felt like that added to our level of connection. 

* * * 

The reason I come here today especially is because for whatever reason, whether it is my self-esteem, wanting to get under someone, what have you I was scrolling through Hinge, the dating app. Was just liking through profiles when it felt like I got hit by a double decker bus. Saw her profile. I could tell she updated it recently since she had her college graduation photos from just a week or so ago. When I saw that it legitimately made me feel physically sick and I'm still laying here in my bed just feeling absolutely frozen. 

It's understandable that seeing her profile hit you.  I have never had that experience because I never really dated in an age of OLD & apps but I image it's quite painful.  So cut yourself a break on that score. 

What are you doing to address your lack of self-esteem, anxiety & depression?  If you hope to form happy, healthy relationships you have to get these under control.  I have all 3 to varying degrees & have worked my whole life to address them.   A lot of people suffer from these conditions but when you start a new romance, keep this stuff to yourself.  Do not bond over it.   Instead develop some inner strength, learn to keep your own counsel. 

As for feeling trapped in your apartment because it all reminds you of her, it's time to redecorate.  Move the furniture around.  Get some new art  Definitely get some new sheets.  Also do something to shake up your routine.  Find new places that don't remind you of her.  

[ShyViolet]

On 5/11/2021 at 10:16 AM, Robw9677 said:

 So the reasoning for the breakup at least from my understanding: she had a breakup last fall/winter that was extremely challenging. I guess I was moving things too fast and she needed her personal space to find herself/not going to do any dating etc. and just needed her own space. That alone has been hard enough because it felt like we were talking about a lot of stuff out. Then to see her on hinge felt like a mini-betrayal. 

I hate to break it to you, this was probably not the "real" reason.  This is a typical "it's not you, it's me" generic reason that people often give just to let someone down easy.  I'm not at all saying that it makes her a bad person or anything.  This is just what people do.  The real reason was probably that she was just not that into you anymore.  Just not feeling it.  It's as simple as that.  You need to stop obsessing over her.... your first breakup is always the hardest, but you will get over this.  You are not doing yourself any favors by entertaining thoughts that maybe you and her can reconcile.  Her blocking you was as clear of a message as there could be.  Leave this in the past.   It sounds like you need to focus on getting treatment for your anxiety and depression.  Get some good therapy to work on your issues.

[Miss Peach]

On 5/11/2021 at 7:48 AM, Marc878 said:

Don’t linger or chase. All at does is push them farther away and waste your time.

Most who come here are smoking the hopium pipe looking for a magic fix. There isn’t one. 

Move on and cut contact.

 

Totally agree with this. I am on the other side of a breakup and my ex won't let go. It's just pushing me farther. If he had just been respectful about giving me the space I asked for I actually probably would have been OK with talking with him now. But since he won't regard my boundaries I'm trying harder to avoid him.

[Marc878]

2 hours ago, Miss Peach said:

Totally agree with this. I am on the other side of a breakup and my ex won't let go. It's just pushing me farther. If he had just been respectful about giving me the space I asked for I actually probably would have been OK with talking with him now. But since he won't regard my boundaries I'm trying harder to avoid him.

Block him. He’ll get that message.

[Highndry]

The worst thing a person can ever do when somebody breaks up with them is to try to beg, plead, chase, etc. It just turns the person off even more. The best response is a positive one. "You want to break up? Alrighty then, sounds good to me. Good luck!" And then never, EVER contact them again. They're left in a dither even though they broke up, wondering wtf it is they just did. I'm reminded of Joni Mitchell's "Both Sides Now."

But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

Play your cards close to your vest no matter how bad you're hurting. Never, ever give them the satisfaction of knowing the extent of your pain or your love for them. They do not deserve it.

[Miss Peach]

On 5/20/2021 at 4:28 PM, Marc878 said:

Block him. He’ll get that message.

I tried but he's finding me IRL too and trying to talk to me or pass on messages with people we mutually know. Finally my BF got involved and talked to him.

[Alfano]

On 5/23/2021 at 3:24 AM, Highndry said:

The worst thing a person can ever do when somebody breaks up with them is to try to beg, plead, chase, etc. It just turns the person off even more. The best response is a positive one. "You want to break up? Alrighty then, sounds good to me. Good luck!" And then never, EVER contact them again. They're left in a dither even though they broke up, wondering wtf it is they just did.

I have several issues with this post. First of all, of course the worst thing a dumpee can do is beg, plead or chase. That's fairly obvious. But many dumpees can't do anything else because they're so devastated and desperate.

Yes the best response is to be strong and positive and act like you couldn't possibly care less. Again, we're emotional animals and it's not always possible to do that even if it's what we WANT to do and know is the BEST thing to do.

Finally, the dumper doesn't always or even often think WTF did I do if the dumper disappears. They might be ambivalent, they might even be relieved, sure they might even be curious but it doesn't naturally follow that just because the dumpee goes dark they're going to second guess their decision.