do most people just settle for a spouse?

[lovers]

I was pursuing someone and man I never had those feelings before. I wanted things to work out with her so bad. I still think about her from time to time. I have been in 4 relationships and never felt as strongly as I did for that one girl and we weren't even dating. Love at first sight for me. I wonder if alot of people kind of just date someone they are just okay with. I am 30 years old now and its been that case for me. I feel theres a difference between those you are able to attract and those you want. 

As a kid I always thought you find that perfect someone that you are extremely passionate about and marry but so far at 30 years old its been very very rare for me to feel that way. So for those of you who are dating or married did you kind of just settled in a sense? How is it and is that fairy tale or dream women a false sense of reality for most men?

[d0nnivain]

I don't think most people settle but I'm sure some people do,  However there is a level of compromise.  For example I love the beach but DH hates it.  I don't feel like I settled because I am not married to a man who loves the beach.  You do have to keep your standards up on the important things like character.  

Look at the old show Sex in the City.   Charlotte married her "dream" doctor but was unloved.  Then she "settled" for the bald paunchy lawyer who loved her unconditionally & she learned what happiness is.  

[Sun Seeker]

I've always been very picky who I have as a girlfriend and I've had to turn down a number of women over the years who wanted to be that, for various reasons. In my mind I always had an idea of my 'dream woman'.

The women who I did start a relationship with, I thought it would be forever, but it always turned out to not be forever, as every time there was just something missing, so I was unable to commit to them with marriage etc.

Now I'm in love for the 4th time in my life (I'm early 30s) and I feel completely different for her as I did for my previous 3 loves. She is my 'dream woman' in every single way, and for the first time in my life I cannot wait to get married.

I know my value and what a great catch I am, and that whoever I choose to be my life partner is very lucky. My girlfriend knows this, and appreciates how fortunate she is to be in my life. The best thing is I feel exactly the same about her, that I have hit the absolute jackpot, and I'm super grateful she is my girlfriend as she is amazing in so many ways.

So to answer your question, I could have easily 'settled' in the past, but I didn't. The break ups were not easy, but deep down I knew it was the right thing to do as to me marriage is for life, so I had to be 110% certain I was making the right decision.

Then out of nowhere my fairy tale dream woman turned up one day, and made all the past pain worth it.

Don't ever settle. Believe in yourself, what a great person you are, and one day you will meet that person who will appreciate you for you.

[dramafreezone]

3 hours ago, Punterxx said:

I've always been very picky who I have as a girlfriend and I've had to turn down a number of women over the years who wanted to be that, for various reasons. In my mind I always had an idea of my 'dream woman'.

The women who I did start a relationship with, I thought it would be forever, but it always turned out to not be forever, as every time there was just something missing, so I was unable to commit to them with marriage etc.

Now I'm in love for the 4th time in my life (I'm early 30s) and I feel completely different for her as I did for my previous 3 loves. She is my 'dream woman' in every single way, and for the first time in my life I cannot wait to get married.

I know my value and what a great catch I am, and that whoever I choose to be my life partner is very lucky. My girlfriend knows this, and appreciates how fortunate she is to be in my life. The best thing is I feel exactly the same about her, that I have hit the absolute jackpot, and I'm super grateful she is my girlfriend as she is amazing in so many ways.

So to answer your question, I could have easily 'settled' in the past, but I didn't. The break ups were not easy, but deep down I knew it was the right thing to do as to me marriage is for life, so I had to be 110% certain I was making the right decision.

Then out of nowhere my fairy tale dream woman turned up one day, and made all the past pain worth it.

Don't ever settle. Believe in yourself, what a great person you are, and one day you will meet that person who will appreciate you for you.

You didn't think the 3rd was different from the first two?  Have you been through any real challenges to the relationship with this new woman?  Not picking on you but genuinely asking.

I think the idea of a dream man or woman just sets us up for failure.  People are imperfect, people will disappoint you.  No one can measure up to an ideal.

The reality is majority of us don't really know what's good for us.  We pick people on how they make us feel, when that's just bad strategy.  A person being a joy to be around when things are going well is the minimum prerequisite.  The only thing that really matters is how they are when things go to shite, when the relationship is truly challenged.  Until then I don't think we know anything about that other person.  All that matters is how they react when misfortune occurs.  I would not think about marrying someone until we've been through some kind of major misfortune and she proved to be a major factor in coming out of it.

Edited May 12, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Happy Lemming]

18 hours ago, lovers said:

As a kid I always thought you find that perfect someone that you are extremely passionate about and marry but so far at 30 years old its been very very rare for me to feel that way.

So why are you trying to "force a square peg into a round hole"??  If you "feel" that you are not the "marrying" type, then don't get married, stay single.  There are a lot of benefits to staying single and not getting married.

I never got married.  I've been dating for 40 years.  Granted I've been with my present girlfriend for 9.5 years, but if she left tomorrow, I'd go out there and find her replacement.

[dramafreezone]

Quote

As a kid I always thought you find that perfect someone that you are extremely passionate about and marry but so far at 30 years old its been very very rare for me to feel that way.

Yeah, Disney sold us that, built a empire off of it.

A successful marriage has less to do with romance and more to do with someone who will be supportive in this journey through life.  Lust tells us nothing about the other person's ability to be that supportive partner, but that's how we choose our spouses more often than not.

Edited May 12, 2021 by dramafreezone

[lana-banana]

Of all the men I dated, there were only 3 for whom I felt so strongly that I really had a deep passion and desire to be with them forever; I married one of them, so I'm calling it a win. I had the opportunity to settle when I was a bit younger and every day I thank God that I didn't.

Honestly I don't think settling is as common as people seem to think it is, at least not anymore. There's basically no benefit to marriage beyond the personal value you and your spouse provide it. If you don't love the idea of waking up next to someone every day for the rest of your life, don't do it! Do not even think about marrying someone that doesn't feel like the love of your life. It's better to cohabit and be honest with yourself than try to embrace something you know you don't want.

[dramafreezone]

19 hours ago, lana-banana said:

Of all the men I dated, there were only 3 for whom I felt so strongly that I really had a deep passion and desire to be with them forever; I married one of them, so I'm calling it a win. I had the opportunity to settle when I was a bit younger and every day I thank God that I didn't.

Honestly I don't think settling is as common as people seem to think it is, at least not anymore. There's basically no benefit to marriage beyond the personal value you and your spouse provide it. If you don't love the idea of waking up next to someone every day for the rest of your life, don't do it! Do not even think about marrying someone that doesn't feel like the love of your life. It's better to cohabit and be honest with yourself than try to embrace something you know you don't want.

But there are going to be mornings where you can't stand that other person.  And it's not because they did anything to deserve that ire, it's just what happens when we're extremely familiar with another person. 

That goes back to what I said, I think a great marriage is much more about how you manage those tough times than trying to find someone where those tough times never happen.  That's just unattainable.  We're in a culture these days where it's about looking for a way out at the first sign of trouble.  That's where this "never settle" idea is actually harmful.  People equate "never settle" for finding someone that doesn't ever get on your nerves or have red flags.

If someone is able to find someone that that feels like the love of their life, great, but realistically I don't think that's in the cards for everyone.  We really just need to redefine what an ideal marriage is IMO because everyone can't acheive the current ideal.  We've just accepted that ideal without enough questioning as to if it's a fit for us as individuals.

Edited May 13, 2021 by dramafreezone

[lana-banana]

4 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

But there are going to be mornings where you can't stand that other person.  And it's not because they did anything to deserve that ire, it's just what happens when we're extremely familiar with another person...That's where this "never settle" idea is actually harmful.  People equate "never settle" for finding someone that doesn't ever get on your nerves or have red flags.

Nobody said that "not settling" means "not wanting to throttle the other person sometimes". When we were renovating the house we wanted to shove each other out the window on a daily basis. Even your loved ones will get on your nerves, a lot! Loving someone is not the same as being in love. The spark is what gets you started, and can sustain you through tough times, but it is a choice you make every day. Even good marriages to someone you really, truly love, involve so much work! And a lot of being driven up the wall by WHY can't he just put his clothes in the hamper it's RIGHT there I swear to GOD HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT

I just personally would not be able to do that work with someone I wasn't crazy about.

[mark clemson]

I have read that "settling" is how the majority of families get made. However, there's a big difference between settling for pretty good, vs. "just anything". Settling shouldn't mean there no attraction, no common interests, desperate to be with someone, anyone, etc. THAT IMO is a recipe for lifelong unhappiness.

I would also note that "new relationship energy" normally only lasts a few years. Also, even a "perfect" partner will gradually (and sometimes not so gradually) change in a variety of ways, and so might not stay "perfect" forever as both you and they mature and otherwise change over time. I agree with statements above that even good marriages will require "work" and will add that even then there are no guarantees.

If you had strong limerence for a few people, THAT is unlikely to repeat until it does organically by being triggered. IMO comparing a normal level of "love" to a limerence relationship as some sort of standard to meet is not sensible, although I can understand why some people do this, since apparently limerence is intensified by dysfunctional "can't have" situations rather than normal, healthy relationships.

[dramafreezone]

5 hours ago, lana-banana said:

Nobody said that "not settling" means "not wanting to throttle the other person sometimes". When we were renovating the house we wanted to shove each other out the window on a daily basis. Even your loved ones will get on your nerves, a lot! Loving someone is not the same as being in love. The spark is what gets you started, and can sustain you through tough times, but it is a choice you make every day. Even good marriages to someone you really, truly love, involve so much work! And a lot of being driven up the wall by WHY can't he just put his clothes in the hamper it's RIGHT there I swear to GOD HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT

I just personally would not be able to do that work with someone I wasn't crazy about.

Well I think you made a great point.  Marriages are hard work.  People think that relationships are marriages don't require work, maintenance.  As soon as things get a little tough they're looking for a way out,  under the guise of "I'm not going to settle."   

How many people divorce and say "I didn't work hard enough to make it work?"  I hardly ever hear that.

Edited May 14, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Woggle]

Nothing and nobody in life is ever 100% perfect so if that is what your standards are then you will have to do some settling but people should very much hold out for somebody they love and who loves and treats them accordingly.

[lovers]

On 5/13/2021 at 6:59 PM, Woggle said:

Nothing and nobody in life is ever 100% perfect so if that is what your standards are then you will have to do some settling but people should very much hold out for somebody they love and who loves and treats them accordingly.

alot of times what you love doesn't love you back. at least in my case. 

[Wiseman2]

It completely depends on context. For example arranged marriage or other cultural, religious and family pressure.