We're a team. are we?

[NameGoesHere]

My boyfriend of 7 years and I live together. He helps me take care of my 2 children from a previous marriage. (We're getting married once I graduate university in less than 2 years).

We split all the activities in the house with the kids, bills, pets 50/50. Except the mortgage because he makes close to a 6 figure salary and I'm a whole 6 bucks above the hourly minimum wage rate in my area. Full time employee, full time online student.

So he pays 1700 a month and I pay 600 a month. I help pay it because we're a team and I want to.

Here's the issue...

 The job I currently have doesn't have me to use my skills I've already learned in school and despite of it being literally a minute drive from home, I'm sick of the place. So I'm looking for a new job mainly for the experience. The pay doesn't matter much as long as I can physically and financially do my part for my family / team.

I found a few jobs but my boyfriend wants to review them with me to make sure the requirements of the job (mainly time schedule) fit in with our family needs specially since daycare and summer camp is not cheap and eventually next year he will be physically in office which is a 90 minute trip on the train one way.

Is this normal? I grew up in a household where my folks had a toxic marriage and set a bad example of what marriage looks like for me thus leading me to think the garbage my ex husband put me through was okay when it certainly was not.

All I'm trying to do is figure out if my boyfriend is being a fair team player with our family, or if I should have a chat with him.

[d0nnivain]

Him reviewing the jobs sounds bad.  You two talking about your new job & what works best for your family is what partners do.  You may get the last word on where you work but your partner is entitled to input.  If you don't want his input & you prefer to be fully self sufficient, stop taking his money & start figuring out your own child care.  

[NameGoesHere]

12 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Him reviewing the jobs sounds bad.  You two talking about your new job & what works best for your family is what partners do.  You may get the last word on where you work but your partner is entitled to input.  If you don't want his input & you prefer to be fully self sufficient, stop taking his money & start figuring out your own child care.  

Not that I prefer to be self sufficient, I just want to know if this is normal. And when I said "reviewing the job" its just going over the hours. Sorry for the confusion.

Thank you for your input though. If this is what partners do, then this is what we're doing 😃

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, NameGoesHere said:

He helps me take care of my 2 children from a previous marriage.

I found a few jobs but my boyfriend wants to review them with me to make sure the requirements of the job (mainly time schedule) fit in with our family needs specially since daycare and summer camp is not cheap

Ok, does your ex-husband pay child support for your children as  well as extras like camp,  daycare, health insurance, etc.? Make sure they are getting the proper amount for their situation. Also how often do they visit /stay with their father? 

Issues with child cost is something to discuss with their father. Your BF is not responsible for their care. You and their father are.

What seems to be the issues? That your bf will have a longer commute?

If was the primary babysitter can you work out something with your children's father so they can stay with him more often?

Edited May 12, 2021 by Wiseman2

[d0nnivain]

20 minutes ago, NameGoesHere said:

I just want to know if this is normal. And when I said "reviewing the job" its just going over the hours.

Of course you discuss things with a partner when the choice effects that person too.  I would never dream of taking a new job without talking to DH.  He tells me when he applies for out of state jobs.   

"teammates" in the family sense do not make major decisions unilaterally.  

[dramafreezone]

1 hour ago, NameGoesHere said:

My boyfriend of 7 years and I live together. He helps me take care of my 2 children from a previous marriage. (We're getting married once I graduate university in less than 2 years).

We split all the activities in the house with the kids, bills, pets 50/50. Except the mortgage because he makes close to a 6 figure salary and I'm a whole 6 bucks above the hourly minimum wage rate in my area. Full time employee, full time online student.

So he pays 1700 a month and I pay 600 a month. I help pay it because we're a team and I want to.

Here's the issue...

 The job I currently have doesn't have me to use my skills I've already learned in school and despite of it being literally a minute drive from home, I'm sick of the place. So I'm looking for a new job mainly for the experience. The pay doesn't matter much as long as I can physically and financially do my part for my family / team.

I found a few jobs but my boyfriend wants to review them with me to make sure the requirements of the job (mainly time schedule) fit in with our family needs specially since daycare and summer camp is not cheap and eventually next year he will be physically in office which is a 90 minute trip on the train one way.

Is this normal? I grew up in a household where my folks had a toxic marriage and set a bad example of what marriage looks like for me thus leading me to think the garbage my ex husband put me through was okay when it certainly was not.

All I'm trying to do is figure out if my boyfriend is being a fair team player with our family, or if I should have a chat with him.

Your BF sounds like a mature adult and is approaching this from a practical standpoint.

Quote

 The job I currently have doesn't have me to use my skills I've already learned in school and despite of it being literally a minute drive from home, I'm sick of the place. So I'm looking for a new job mainly for the experience. The pay doesn't matter much as long as I can physically and financially do my part for my family / team.

Everyone has had a job that they hate.  We all have had to do what we had to do to get where we want to go.  It's not about how you feel, it's about practical steps we need to take to reach the goal.  The fact that it's a job that doesn't utilize the skills you learned in college is a you problem.  It's not about you anymore, it's about the family, and your kids.

He's making most of the money but you think it's unreasonable to discuss which job would be best for the family?  He's splitting half the chores and duties and carrying the financial load.  You are extremely fortunate if anything, hope you realize that.

Edited May 12, 2021 by dramafreezone

[basil67]

1 hour ago, NameGoesHere said:

I found a few jobs but my boyfriend wants to review them with me to make sure the requirements of the job (mainly time schedule) fit in with our family needs 

Have you already discussed what schedule would fit with the demands of your family life?    If not, this should happen ASAP.    But if it has already been discussed, I have to say that this sounds controlling...like he doesn't trust you to make a good choice.  

[NameGoesHere]

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Of course you discuss things with a partner when the choice effects that person too.  I would never dream of taking a new job without talking to DH.  He tells me when he applies for out of state jobs.   

"teammates" in the family sense do not make major decisions unilaterally.  

I like what you said about "teammates". Makes sense. Makes sense to go over major changes too. Thank you for your help. Being in a healthy, stable, trusting relationship is very different for me still because of my environment growing up, and later the mud my ex husband dragged me through. 

[NameGoesHere]

2 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

Your BF sounds like a mature adult and is approaching this from a practical standpoint.

Everyone has had a job that they hate.  We all have had to do what we had to do to get where we want to go.  It's not about how you feel, it's about practical steps we need to take to reach the goal.  The fact that it's a job that doesn't utilize the skills you learned in college is a you problem.  It's not about you anymore, it's about the family, and your kids.

He's making most of the money but you think it's unreasonable to discuss which job would be best for the family?  He's splitting half the chores and duties and carrying the financial load.  You are extremely fortunate if anything, hope you realize that.

I never said I thought he was being unfair. I was unsure if he was or wasn't. Remember, I said I grew up in a toxic household and later was in a toxic marriage. So my experience with healthy compromising is a work in progress and there are times where I will get scared. 

 

As far as the job... yes agreed no job is sunshine and rainbows 100% of the time.

However; I'm not going to take out a 60k loan for a degree and work at a place that pays me paper clips and no experience towards my degree.

I'm looking for a place that is going to give me experience towards my degree even if I get paid paperclips. This way I got an edge when I graduate by getting the job I want sooner, with more pay, and am able to support my family, put money for my kids' college and pay off my loans without the struggle of someone who doesn't know beans about their degree because they never got the experience in it.

Thank you for your input.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, NameGoesHere said:

I never said I thought he was being unfair. I was unsure if he was or wasn't. Remember, I said I grew up in a toxic household and later was in a toxic marriage. So my experience with healthy compromising is a work in progress and there are times where I will get scared. 

 

As far as the job... yes agreed no job is sunshine and rainbows 100% of the time.

However; I'm not going to take out a 60k loan for a degree and work at a place that pays me paper clips and no experience towards my degree.

I'm looking for a place that is going to give me experience towards my degree even if I get paid paperclips. This way I got an edge when I graduate by getting the job I want sooner, with more pay, and am able to support my family, put money for my kids' college and pay off my loans without the struggle of someone who doesn't know beans about their degree because they never got the experience in it.

Thank you for your input.

Why not discuss this with university advisors, as well as getting an appropriate profile on LinkedIn so you can do some research into the type of jobs you want and what's out there.

Since your BF can't work from home and can't babysit your kids much longer, a discussion about how you (and their father) are going to handle childcare and costs is appropriate.

[NameGoesHere]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why not discuss this with university advisors, as well as getting an appropriate profile on LinkedIn so you can do some research into the type of jobs you want and what's out there.

Since your BF can't work from home and can't babysit your kids much longer, a discussion about how you (and their father) are going to handle childcare and costs is appropriate.

Thank you very much for the input. I've been meaning to make a linkedin account. I just kept putting it off.