Mistakes, Lack of Attraction, Divorce?

[StoneFortress]

A year ago, my life and marriage changed. Im sure I can say that about every year of my life but this change is a haunting change. My husband shared with me a mistake he made a year prior. We have been able to recover from his mistakes in the past but this one feels different. Since then, I am bitter. I am resentful. I am sad. I am mad. I am pissed. I am embarrassed. I am so many things.

A year has passed since he told me. I thought I would have gotten over it. But my heart has changed. Its different. Each time I have forgiven him for his mistakes,  his love for me has grown stronger where mine for him has dwindled. He notices this, and it kills me to see the pain it causes him. He wants this to work so bad, he is desperate. He pours his heart out to me and i scramble to find a response.

I get so uncomfortable when he talks about how in love with me he is and how I am the best thing thats happened to him. Because…. Well… I dont feel the same way. I am broken. He has broken me and I have fixed him. Im like the torn, worn down, needs to be changed sand paper and he gets to be the smooth flawless wood.

Then theres the issue of intimacy. He has so much desire for me and goes crazy with wanting me, and yet I feel as though I could go the rest of my life without him touching me. I have zero desire in me for him. That is such a hurtful thing to say, much less feel. But going back to this realization that this last year has changed me to my core. That is why I am no longer attracted to my husband. Things that I could ignore and live with before, are now magnified. I am not attracted to him. I dont know if I ever will be again.

How is a marriage supposed to survive if one is not attracted to the other? Thats not fair to him.

Are we supposed to get a divorce? Its sad because when I think about the reasons I DONT want to get a divorce, the top of the list is I dont want to fail. What will others say? The first reason should be I dont want to loose him… and I dont want to loose him its just I dont know if i can go on living like this. With this cloud over me.

Is it my marriage or me? I hate feeling like i am faking it when I am with him. Although I enjoy sex when we are having it, I just dont find myself wanting him when were not.

Why did this have to happen to me? Yea yea woe is me. Poor me. Blah blah.

Although this rant is filled with emotions and such, I cant help but feeling like I have none. Am I numb? Or do I just not care? Am I so emotionless that I dont care? Or have I been hurt so many times that I have a stone wall fortress built around me? Most likely the latter. I hate rocking the boat. But I have a feeling the boat is going to capsize in the upcoming months.

I remember a year ago after I found out, I told myself I would give us a year to fix it, that I would put in my best effort and see where it goes. That after a year, if I feel good about our marriage that i would stay, and if I didn’t i would go. Well a year has come and gone so whats the answer? Well we know what the damn answer is. If i felt good about my marriage I wouldnt be writing my feelings out in a Google doc. I know what needs to be done but am i Strong enough to do it? Will it be the wrong decision? Only one way to find out.

Edited May 13, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
formatting, language

[d0nnivain]

It depends on what the mistake was.  It depends on how many mistakes there were. 

Repeated cheating at some point has to be acknowledged as the norm for some people.  they will never change & you just have to let go for your own sanity.  

It also depends on what you want?  Do you want to reconcile & get back your attraction for him?  Try marriage counseling & spell out what will help you.   Are you done?  Then get a divorce.  

You don't have to feel responsible even if you are the one who initiates the divorce.  He is the one who killed the marriage; you are just cleaning up the mess for the last time.  

[Sun Seeker]

What is this 'mistake'? Pointless writing all of this without saying what it is.

Did he cheat? If so then off course it's normal to feel how you feel and yes the marriage is over and yes you should get a divorce. Should have got it a year ago.

[vla1120]

It really depends on the mistake. In any event, he has shown who he is (believe him) and you don't like that part of him. If it is cheating, that is a direct hit on your marriage that you are having trouble coming to terms with. If it is some criminal (or other unsavory) act, that might be a bit more complicated. We can only speculate since you don't say what his "mistakes" were, but the fact that there are multiple mistakes says that he didn't learn from it the first time, he repeated his "mistake" and is bound to repeat it again. Is that something you can live with?

As far as not wanting a divorce because you don't want to be viewed a failure, some might define "failure" as spending the rest of your life with a man to whom you are no longer attracted and have lost respect for. You only get one ride on this merry-go-round. You deserve to be happy in life and if you cannot achieve that with your husband with the help of therapy, etc., then you should do what is necessary to find that peace and contentment on your own.

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, StoneFortress said:

My husband shared with me a mistake he made a year prior.

Do you mean cheating? That's never a mistake, it's a conscious choice.

[mark clemson]

There is a concept of "new relationship energy" - the psychological "energy" we show e.g. in enthusiasm and interest in a partner, sexual desire, willingness to share our lives with them, maybe adapt a bit, see what they have to offer that can improve/enrich our lives, etc, etc.

There is also a concept of "compassion fatigue" - e.g. when people in caregiver roles "burn out" and no longer feel interest or the same level of reinforcement and/or ability to continue being compassionate/acting compassionately, etc.

Both of these things probably have neural underpinnings related to reinforcement, neurotransmitter levels, our brains changing and adjusting, etc. However that is largely beside the point.

I think you may have a sort of "relationship energy fatigue" where you no longer have much/any of this "psychological energy".

I think that many "roommate marriages" that you sometimes hear about are in this lower energy state. It takes "work"  - significant effort at renewing the interest, trying new things, building a LT life together, etc.

Some people do this better than others. (In fact there are people who tend to leave relationships after a few years, when the NRE starts to "dry up". However, clearly that's not you.)

I don't know whether you can/should try to reinvigorate things. That would be for you to decide. I have little doubt the "mistakes" did not help matters one bit in your case, unfortunately.

Edited May 14, 2021 by mark clemson

[ST81]

On 5/13/2021 at 10:51 PM, StoneFortress said:

get so uncomfortable when he talks about how in love with me he is and how I am the best thing thats happened to him. Because…. Well… I dont feel the same way. I am broken. He has broken me and I have fixed him. Im like the torn, worn down, needs to be changed

Hi in many ways I understand completely how much you give and give, not receiving in return. When you feel worn out, exhausted, on edge, anxious...i could go on. My husband has mental health issues but is also extremely controlling and manipulative, so much that from the years of it I am coming to terms with separation coming if he does not seek professional help (i have spoken privately to an attorney). He has not made the mistakes as i suspect your husband has, though his refusal to get professional help feels like a betrayal to us - just the final thing.

I can see now that focusing on myself and child needs to be the way forward.

I am very sorry for what had happened, what you are going through and how broken you feel, though you need to consider the rest of your life with him. A few very trusted family or friends can help alot to talk things through, and IC.

[StoneFortress]

Although I posted this online for the world to see, I never expected any replies. I started writing my feelings out as I feel like I cant talk to anyone about the subject, and then decided to post to this forum on a whim. 

My husband did not physically cheat on me. He has entertained inappropriate conversations via social media/text messages, I suspect to feed his ego and help him to feel like he 'still has it'. Three times (that I know of) in seven years. I forgave and forgot the first 2, but this last one has been impossible to get over, perhaps because it happened after we got married. 
I fantasize about leaving everyday, but I am scared of the change it would bring and the undoubted drama that surrounds a divorce.

Thank you all for your input.

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, StoneFortress said:

My husband did not physically cheat on me. He has entertained inappropriate conversations via social media/text messages, I suspect to feed his ego and help him to feel like he 'still has it'. Three times (that I know of) in seven years. I forgave and forgot the first 2, but this last one has been impossible to get over, perhaps because it happened after we got married. 

I fantasize about leaving everyday, but I am scared of the change it would bring and the undoubted drama that surrounds a divorce.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over & over but expecting a different result.  

Let me get the time line straight.  Before you were married he had 2 inappropriate conversations with 2 different women?  You forgave him & eventually married.  Then 1 year ago, you found out that a year earlier but after you were married he had another "inappropriate" conversation.  You gave it a year to see if your feelings would come back but they haven't.  Did you do anything else to fix the marriage?  Have you been to MC?  Is he now more transparent -- letting you see his phone?  Although that is no guarantee he could have a burner you don't know about.  

You can't stay in a marriage that isn't working for you because you are scared of change or worried about drama.  It is possible to have a civilized divorce.  You can simply be done.  Calmly split the assets & walk away.  Unless you are fighting over child custody there is nothing to get worked up about in a divorce.  It's only money.  You will make more.  Is losing a few buck really worth your mental health?  

So we are back to what do you want?  If you want to save the marriage you need to spell out your terms & the action steps you both need to take to get there.  MC is in order & so are date nights & open communication.  Is he capable of that?  Are you willing to let the 1 marital indiscretion slip or is your heart too hardened to move forward?  If you are done, if this was really the last straw, call a lawyer already.  Delay isn't going to make it better.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, StoneFortress said:

He has entertained inappropriate conversations via social media/text messages
I fantasize about leaving everyday.

Consult an attorney about your options in divorce, confidentially and privately. Do not threaten divorce.

You don't need this degree of injustice collecting to decide you're unhappy.

[Stupidkupid]

3 hours ago, StoneFortress said:

Although I posted this online for the world to see, I never expected any replies. I started writing my feelings out as I feel like I cant talk to anyone about the subject, and then decided to post to this forum on a whim. 

My husband did not physically cheat on me. He has entertained inappropriate conversations via social media/text messages, I suspect to feed his ego and help him to feel like he 'still has it'. Three times (that I know of) in seven years. I forgave and forgot the first 2, but this last one has been impossible to get over, perhaps because it happened after we got married. 
I fantasize about leaving everyday, but I am scared of the change it would bring and the undoubted drama that surrounds a divorce.

Thank you all for your input.

Ah. I'm sorry.

It sounds to me like you lost your respect for him as a romantic partner. You can't trust him for that, anymore, and for that reason your atrraction and love has faded (died?).

Have you had any therapy (by yourself)? 

[ExpatInItaly]

When someone hurts you repeatedly, especially through infidelity, this is the natural consquence: you lose the desire to be with them. It's hard to be attracted to the very source of your pain. 

You have to decide what you want. If you want to stay married, be prepared to commit to the hard work it's going to take to try to rebuild the broken trust and loss of feelings. Sometimes the latter never really come back.  If you decide to proceed with separation, speak to a laywer and get informed about what that will look like for you. 

Don't beat yourself up over this. He's betrayed your trust several times. Of course you're not exactly excited about him anymore. What else did he expect?

 

[mark clemson]

Many people feel that overtly sexual communication, e.g. texting/chatting, warrants a betrayal. There is a real, specific person he was connecting to (unlike e.g. the anonymity of porn). If this was infidelity to you, then that what it was.

As a partner, you can set whatever boundaries you wish. Overly restrictive ones (no talking to member of the opposite sex, period) are likely to backfire unless the other person is ok with them. However, I think many people would have a problem with overt sexting/sexual chat and indeed there are many posts with complaints about exactly this sort of thing.

While I don't recommend divorce to people (as a matter of principle in my case) if this is a dealbreaker for you, it's a dealbreaker for you. There isn't much point to "monitoring" if what he really wants is to go out and do it again. He'll just find a way to be even sneakier about it.

IF you can't fix that, you can choose to look the other way (you're an adult and will make your own decisions); however I think that pretty much leaves you where you are right now, which doesn't appear to be a very happy place, unfortunately.

[hhy]

I've known my hysband for 29 yrs, been married 22, and if I may humbly offer one perspective....it is tough making a relationship of any kind as close and persistent as everyday last a lifetime.

Those who do over look a lot. My 18 y.o. daughter believes in the fairytale, happily ever after.

I do too, but with eyes wide open. Realize who you are, what you can not/wont live without, and can this guy give it to/do it for you? Would you counsel your own daughter to stay the course? Is the relationship ultimately worth the sacrifice? LT is always ebb and flow, if you envision a better, brighter future without him, then your path should be clear. But if he is part of that vision, I would encourage you both to communicate: write, read, listen to podcasts, commit to some basic ground rules and then, have at it...have a little, dare i say fun, creativity, imagination, and dream of the possibilities and your desires, take steps to make them real (if not with him, then for yourself). 

We literally take life and all its challenges too seriously. Pain is inevitable, suffering is not.

If we stick with the hardship, see it through, do we understand the journey and what comes after, hopefully, the reward. As you say, you are the sandpaper creating the art. What is he doing for you?

Hope this may help.

My heart is with you.

 

[Blind-Sided]

An affair is an Affair.   Regardless if it was physical or emotional/virtual.   I told my exW it would be the only thing I couldn't recover from.  I'm guessing that's why she blamed me for everything... she needed to make me the bad guy for her affair, so she would feel better. 

But, that is irrelevant. 

If you don't love him any longer, (Don't blame you)  then you need to just get the divorce started.  You will never feel better until you both are heading separate directions. 

[Kamau]

You should try therapy, if not then let him be happy without you. Because it seems you’re on the path to self destruction. & will more than likely go into the phase of healing “finding yourself “  while also doing damage to those around you.. if you chose to forgive than you should but if you don’t forgive you should speak try therapy or counseling.

[giotto]

I could not live with it. How can you live with someone you don't trust?

[Caauug]

On 5/17/2021 at 12:57 AM, StoneFortress said:

My husband did not physically cheat on me. He has entertained inappropriate conversations via social media/text messages, I suspect to feed his ego and help him to feel like he 'still has it'. Three times (that I know of) in seven years. I forgave and forgot the first 2, but this last one has been impossible to get over, perhaps because it happened after we got married. 

Ok..... 3 X he has had "inappropriate" conversations via SM in seven years.... You did not "forgive and forget" the first 2, as you are dragging them back up  again here. This is more "Strike 3, YOUR OUT!!!"

What's really happening here with your emotions:

On 5/14/2021 at 5:51 AM, StoneFortress said:

Since then, I am bitter. I am resentful. I am sad. I am mad. I am pissed. I am embarrassed. I am so many things... ...But my heart has changed. Its different..... ....his love for me has grown stronger where mine for him has dwindled. He notices this, and it kills me to see the pain it causes him. He wants this to work so bad, he is desperate. He pours his heart out to me and i scramble to find a response.

I get so uncomfortable when he talks about how in love with me he is and how I am the best thing thats happened to him. Because…. Well… I dont feel the same way. I am broken.

You have lost attraction for him.... I would nearly bet that it isn't 100% his "Inappropriate" conversations on SM that has done it... That's what is taking the blame but... There will be more to it... 

You have lost attraction because: he had weight gain? Lost his job or taken a minor role in a new job? Spends more time away from you? Changed his habits, as in became a slob, gambles, or an alcoholic/drugs? He has shown weakness... (highlighted part of the above quote says, yes...) What else has he done to try to please you?

When someone looses attraction for their SO, they normally replace that person with someone else, who are you now attracted to? 

Note: This comment is not to be taken as an attack on anyone or any sex. Human nature dictates what each sex finds attractive qualities in the other sex, but personal needs sets the weights of the attractive qualities. 

[Miss Spider]

Yea maybe you lost respect for him... you see him now as thirsty for validation, weak, and that’s a turn off to you. It might be worth some counseling to see if it’s something that can be overcome. It might not be though. I’m sorry 

Edited May 22, 2021 by Cookiesandough