Is it just his depression or is he selfish

[AlphaFemme99]

My fiancé has had a lot of tough life circumstances come at once and then covid restrictions were the cherry on top and he fell into a depression. 

We got engaged shortly before covid and i need to figure out if he was only at his best behaviour when trying to win me over and am I seeing his true colours since or I s it mainly depression? 

He worked hard to get me because I was sought after and we got to know each other as friends and he fell quite hard.. for me it grew. He did everything he could to try to impress me because I could’ve chosen wealthier but I didn’t let that determine my choice. I got to know him better through circumstance and it was working so I went with it. I’m actually questioning if it was love or infatuation because he doesn’t act like he values me lately - I’ve been too kind and I feel like I’m now being taken for granted 

After getting engaged he slowly seemed to minimise effort and there was always an excuse. For a man who used to fly out of town to see me so I would stop dating others before we became exclusive, he now acts like doing bare minimum things is a favour. I go out to see friends 2 minutes drive away and he’ll ask if they can pick me up/ drop me off but will do so if I ask him.

He has lost a family member he’s close to in February so it’s another thing on his list of unfortunate circumstances- I’m constantly the one who is supporting him emotionally. I don’t even feel comfortable telling him anything upsetting happening in my life because he’s too wound up with his own issues. It’s never a good time 

I don’t even know where to start with the MIL-to-be influences. Everything is pointing to red flags but any time I tried to leave (many times) he threatens to harm himself.

Never felt so stuck 

Edited May 15, 2021 by AlphaFemme99

[basil67]

17 minutes ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

he now acts like doing bare minimum things is a favour. I go out to see friends 2 minutes drive away and he’ll ask if they can pick me up/ drop me off but will do so if I ask him.

To be fair, short of you having a disability which you haven't mentioned, you should be expected to be able to get yourself around.   Why can't you walk to their house if it's so close?  Or have your own car?  Bicycle? Scooter?  Or a cab?    This isn't a bare minimum thing for him to do for you  - it's a bare minimum that you should be able to do for yourself.    How do you get yourself to work?  

Instead of criticising him not doing things you should be able to do for yourself, look at the things which one would reasonably expect from a partner:  Financial contribution to living expenses.  Doing their share of chores in the house.   Has your city opened up post COVID?  Do the two of you go out to dinner or do other nice things again?

That said, threatening suicide when you try to leave is simply manipulation.  If you want to go, then pack your bags and go.  But don't expect him to drive you.  

[AlphaFemme99]

The reason why I say bare minimum is because I don’t really ask for anything else. I’m accommodating constantly due to his minor disability and emotional problems plus cheering him on towards his dreams. Emotionally I’d say I’m over 90% more giving in the relationship. Financially he is more at the moment - 65/35 because of a higher paying job. 

Sold my car before our covid move to a rural town with barely any cabs. If I go to an activity at night time I can walk 10 minutes but it’s safer to get a lift 

I feel that now after a death in the family it’s an even harder time to leave the relationship. I’ve delayed relationship counselling to be fair because he had other things to deal with 

After over a year of this, when is it right to finally put our relationship first. It’s always delayed due to other things going on and I won’t keep staying because I’ve been worried about him and genuinely have been hoping for the best and trying to make it work 

Edited May 15, 2021 by AlphaFemme99

[Wiseman2]

Is this an arranged marriage?

Unfortunately it may be best to end it. Understandably you're not happy, for all the reasons I answered below:

 

[AlphaFemme99]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is this an arranged marriage?

Unfortunately it may be best to end it. Understandably you're not happy, for all the reasons I answered below:

 

It’s not an arranged marriage hahaha. We became friends when living together and he fell hard (I’m starting to question if it’s infatuation). I was getting to know a bunch of wonderful dates and just choosy because of great options but got to know this guy better .. living with him. It was working out so I went ahead .. we wanted the same things in life and he treated me really special (so did the others but I gave him more time due to our living situation) 

yes he was in a life transition but I didn’t see the problems until the better job that he almost got was knocked out by covid.. and other things happening that made him bitter and lash out. We were newly engaged then suddenly stuck in covid restrictions.
Long story short - the man who worked hard to win me over and that I gradually developed feelings for and said yes to an engagement has since been blaming covid and a family death for the reason he’s not able to be himself lately. I’m empathic but life happens to us all and I dont feel I’m being unreasonable or expecting too much 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

We became friends when living together

Were you e roommates first? Unfortunately you didn't know much about him and his family dynamics so it seems rushed, no?

[AlphaFemme99]

We got to know each other quickly as he filled a year’s worth of conversation and experiences within months. Met his dad early on who was wonderful .. 

im just wondering if depression really has the power to mess with people that much? 

[basil67]

Yes, depression can really mess with people, and we've seen so much of it during COVID.   However, it is reasonable to expect our partner to do what they can to be the best they can be in a relationship.  He needs to start off by speaking to his doctor.   Thing is though, if he's unwilling to do this, then it's not fair on you.  And you shouldn't be expected to stay with someone who's miserable.  

Between this post and the other post, you don't really have anything good to say about him now.  You also mentioned trying to leave but are unable to because of his suicide threats.   What do you really want at this point?   Is there still hope for the relationship if he changes....or are you done and just want out?

[Sikwan03]

24 minutes ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

 

im just wondering if depression really has the power to mess with people that much? 

Yes! Depression has that much power.... and more... some people end their life coz of it.

[AlphaFemme99]

22 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Yes, depression can really mess with people, and we've seen so much of it during COVID.   However, it is reasonable to expect our partner to do what they can to be the best they can be in a relationship.  He needs to start off by speaking to his doctor.   Thing is though, if he's unwilling to do this, then it's not fair on you.  And you shouldn't be expected to stay with someone who's miserable.  

Between this post and the other post, you don't really have anything good to say about him now.  You also mentioned trying to leave but are unable to because of his suicide threats.   What do you really want at this point?   Is there still hope for the relationship if he changes....or are you done and just want out?

He’s got an appointment with his psychologist again towards the end of this month. I’m content he’s working on it and he tells me often I’m the reason he’s still here. 
tbh i want the person I knew before he started releasing his stresses on me but the realistic side of me would’ve left long ago if I didn’t have a heart and hasn’t been worried for his safety. 
 He has become much better with that and I don’t let him even begin giving attitude but I’m also wondering how much longer I should wait and see if he will remember there’s 2 in the relationship and we need to both be there for each other. 

i started the thread because I realised there was finally something important enough I would need support for and felt I could barely bring it up because he’s got enough on his plate. 
When I did, he shrugged it off and said not to worry and continued doing something that I know could’ve waited.
Basically just later said he knows I would get upset if talking about that topic and he was busy at the time but he also knows this particular thing won’t just go away - it’s an event that needs resolving.

So I’m coming to the sinking realisation yet again that it’s not just circumstances - he’s giving me enough evidence through actions that my feelings don’t seem to matter as much. I get I love you in words but I watch actions. 
I don’t think I’m overreacting .. what do you think? No matter how bad he’s feeling, he has now slowly started to work again and is managing. I feel that when someone wants to do something they make it happen - the same effort can be applied by taking a moment to check that your partner is doing ok and lend a bit of support once in a while 

[AlphaFemme99]

36 minutes ago, Sikwan03 said:

Yes! Depression has that much power.... and more... some people end their life coz of it.

He says he was seriously considering it last year and the thought creeps back into his mind occasionally since losing a family member early this year

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

We got to know each other quickly as he filled a year’s worth of conversation and experiences within months.

Nothing substitutes for time when doing your due diligence in learning about a potential life partner. How long have you actually known the man? 

While I have great empathy for the fact that he is struggling with depression and covid has been hard for everyone - I don’t stay in a relationship with a man who threatens suicide. 

Quote

any time I tried to leave (many times) he threatens to harm himself.

This tells me that it has happened more than once. That means, it is his chosen coping skill and it is a very manipulative way to stay in a relationship. It’s not fair to you at all. He has some things he really needs to sort out for himself... 

[AlphaFemme99]

14 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Nothing substitutes for time when doing your due diligence in learning about a potential life partner. How long have you actually known the man? 

While I have great empathy for the fact that he is struggling with depression and covid has been hard for everyone - I don’t stay in a relationship with a man who threatens suicide. 

This tells me that it has happened more than once. That means, it is his chosen coping skill and it is a very manipulative way to stay in a relationship. It’s not fair to you at all. He has some things he really needs to sort out for himself... 

I knew him for six months before getting engaged ., we lived together most of that time.  and he’d call/ message all day in between. It’s 2 years since we met  

you’re right .. he has done it more than once. I had two weeks of space early this year then extended it to another 4 weeks slowly so it would be easier on him. When I returned things were looking better. Half a week later he  lost his dad. He (and I) just can’t seem to get a break. I can never get a chance to see if it’s just circumstances or him that’s a problem because so much serious crap keeps happening 😭

[BaileyB]

51 minutes ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

I can never get a chance to see if it’s just circumstances or him that’s a problem because so much serious crap keeps happening 😭

That is life though, there is always something. If it’s not covid, it’s illness. If it’s not the death of his parent (I’m sorry by the way), it’s the death of a dear friend. If its’s not a job loss, it’s a divorce. Life is hard and it generally doesn’t get any easier as we get older. 

You’ve had some challenges and you’ve seen how he deals with them. Most people aren’t so lucky - if I can say that - they chose a partner when they have seen them mostly at their best and they learn more as time goes by and life circumstances change. I would like to say to you that it can only get better, but that’s not necessarily true. This could be it, or it could actually get worse. Imagine, you have two kids and a mortgage and your life partner checks out or worse - threatens to commit suicide in front of the children. 

I say, if you don’t like what you are seeing at this point you need to get out now. Life is too short (or maybe it will feel long) to live it with this kind of stress. 

[ShyViolet]

When a relationship has this many problems, you absolutely should not get married.  That would be a huge mistake.  This sounds like a pretty unhappy relationship.  Depression or not, it doesn't matter.  You don't get married when the relationship already has this many problems.

On 5/14/2021 at 8:40 PM, AlphaFemme99 said:

Everything is pointing to red flags but any time I tried to leave (many times) he threatens to harm himself.

The fact that you've already tried to leave many times means that you need to LEAVE already.  And you don't let his threats of harming himself manipulate you into staying!!  If he's threatening to harm himself then you call the police as you're leaving.  Let the police put him in a psych ward for his suicidal threats.  But it's not your problem and you should definitely not be staying just because of that!

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

I don’t think I’m overreacting ..

Agree, you're not overreacting. It's your gut instinct that this is not working.

 Unfortunately you are overinvesting and overinvolved.

Keep stepping back and reflect on what you want for your life.

You're too focused on fixing him and of course, that never works.

[AlphaFemme99]

You all are confirming how I feel. 
im going to keep stepping back and do less, as well as being away more then it seems clear I need to end it.
I’ve agreed to be with him for a surgery coming up but I don’t even know what to do anymore. 

This is just hard .. I thought this was the one 😢

Tonight I admitted to how I was feeling in regards to something that was bothering me that I’d been keeping from him since Friday. He seemed vaguely interested when I hinted at the topic so didn’t proceed. Now he’s upset at me - instead of comforting me I get told off for not telling him on Friday and accused of starting drama on purpose. Unbelievable.

who is this person? How have I gone from being a strong woman to being treated like this because I didn’t walk before for his safety? 
he tells me many times I saved his life yet the rare time I need support I get told off. Resentment is telling me all I need to know 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

 who is this person? 

Exactly. You rushed in, things were accelerated, too much too soon so now you are seeing the real him.

Be grateful the rosy honeymoon glasses are coming off before you make a mistake such as marrying someone like this.

Know when to cut your losses. Reflect on what you want in life, in a relationship and in a partner.

Surely it's not a moody guy with the umbilical cord still attached, no?

[AlphaFemme99]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Exactly. You rushed in, things were accelerated, too much too soon so now you are seeing the real him.

Be grateful the rosy honeymoon glasses are coming off before you make a mistake such as marrying someone like this.

Know when to cut your losses. Reflect on what you want in life, in a relationship and in a partner.

Surely it's not a moody guy with the umbilical cord still attached, no?

It all sounds easier on paper but he actually took lots of pain tablets impulsively in front of me first time I was going to leave .. he did it again another time. Took him to hospital both times
Tonight I confronted him and this time he told me he took his tablets and I won’t see him again. Did this before .. drove off.

tbh he is capable of doing something particularly now because he’s grieving. I can’t bear it happening but also can’t keep silent. Can’t believe the situation .. have never expected to be part of something so hard 😭

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

 he actually took lots of pain tablets impulsively in front of me first time I was going to leave .. he did it again another time. 

That's an abuse tactic. Call 911, then leave.

Why is he addicted to pain pills?

It's time you read up on abusive relationships, no?

[AlphaFemme99]

He’s trying to end his life by taking lots of painkillers .. or so he has me believe. It is wrong, childish and abusive and he doesn’t understand it’s not right. I’ve seen his mother do something very similar to him recently .. he’s mirroring toxic behaviours 

He just called me because his car broke down and admitted he was just planning on going for a drive to blow off steam. I’m leaving town tomorrow anyway to get some space and then I’ll visit my family .. will just try to get space and figure out what to do as more time goes by and his grieving lessens a bit. Right now it’s quite heavy .. I really don’t feel right to leave immediately 😕
 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

. It is wrong, childish and abusive and he doesn’t understand it’s not right. 

Yes he does.  You just don't want to believe the mess you're in 

[ShyViolet]

2 hours ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

He’s trying to end his life by taking lots of painkillers .. or so he has me believe. It is wrong, childish and abusive and he doesn’t understand it’s not right. I’ve seen his mother do something very similar to him recently .. he’s mirroring toxic behaviours 

He just called me because his car broke down and admitted he was just planning on going for a drive to blow off steam. I’m leaving town tomorrow anyway to get some space and then I’ll visit my family .. will just try to get space and figure out what to do as more time goes by and his grieving lessens a bit. Right now it’s quite heavy .. I really don’t feel right to leave immediately 😕

This is basically his version of a toddler throwing a tantrum.  Leaving immediately is actually exactly what you need to do.  Make a clean break, don't drag it out and allow his toddler tantrums to manipulate you into staying longer.  Dragging out out and letting him think that this behavior will make you stay just makes this 100 times worse.  He knows exactly what he is doing.  If you think he is genuinely trying to hurt himself then you call the police and let them handle it as you are walking out the door.  You don't let his tantrums force you to stay.

[d0nnivain]

You have only known this man for 6 months, you have lived together for most of that time & he's depressed to the point of being suicidal.  You also sold your car & moved to a rural area with him. 

WTH were you thinking?   Answer:  you weren't. 

There is a reason conventional wisdom says you need to date for at least 1 full year before getting engaged.  Then you need to be engaged for at least 1 year before walking down the aisle.  You two just blew through that because you were "in love."  Ridiculous.  

You complain that he now doesn't put in the effort he made before he got you.  What effort over what period?  Not enough time has passed for to have basis to analyze his stamina. 

You say someone close to him died in February & he's been depressed / grieving since.  That was 3 months ago, so you were only together for 90 days when this happened.  You don't know him. 

At the very least you two need to slow waaaaayyyyy down.  You can't marry under the present circumstances but you actually need to figure out if you can truly say you even know the man you live with & are engaged to.  From where I sit it does not look like you do.  It also seems like you are very unhappy & feel trapped.  You believe you made the wrong decision & could have done better.  That thinking will poison your life going forward.  Don't make this rash decision worse by marrying.  

It's probably good that you go visit your family but given his state I would tell a family member of his that you are going away.  Also inform them of his prior suicide attempts & his threats to take his own life if you leave.   If he choses to kill himself that won't be your fault but for your own peace of mind, if you get a call or a message with threats, call the police immediately & have him involuntarily committed.  

[AlphaFemme99]

5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You have only known this man for 6 months, you have lived together for most of that time & he's depressed to the point of being suicidal.  You also sold your car & moved to a rural area with him. 

WTH were you thinking?   Answer:  you weren't. 

There is a reason conventional wisdom says you need to date for at least 1 full year before getting engaged.  Then you need to be engaged for at least 1 year before walking down the aisle.  You two just blew through that because you were "in love."  Ridiculous.  

You complain that he now doesn't put in the effort he made before he got you.  What effort over what period?  Not enough time has passed for to have basis to analyze his stamina. 

You say someone close to him died in February & he's been depressed / grieving since.  That was 3 months ago, so you were only together for 90 days when this happened.  You don't know him. 

At the very least you two need to slow waaaaayyyyy down.  You can't marry under the present circumstances but you actually need to figure out if you can truly say you even know the man you live with & are engaged to.  From where I sit it does not look like you do.  It also seems like you are very unhappy & feel trapped.  You believe you made the wrong decision & could have done better.  That thinking will poison your life going forward.  Don't make this rash decision worse by marrying.  

It's probably good that you go visit your family but given his state I would tell a family member of his that you are going away.  Also inform them of his prior suicide attempts & his threats to take his own life if you leave.   If he choses to kill himself that won't be your fault but for your own peace of mind, if you get a call or a message with threats, call the police immediately & have him involuntarily committed.  

We knew each other living together 6 months before being engaged .. I’ve known and lived with him for a bit over 2 years now 

he’s had depression since covid but got help and was getting better .. then when his dad died who he was really close to, he’s in a really bad way. I can see how much he’s struggling to go on so that’s why it’s hard to leave now 

I can’t tell a family member because I don’t trust his mum .. she’s part of what’s causing problems for him and our relationship. I do have reason to believe he’s not joking about suicide though - he is struggling to cope but is trying hard 

im thinking of telling one of his long term friends when I decide it’s time to leave if I just can’t delay it further. 
He’s asked me details tonight on what was wrong in the relationship because he didn’t see it and promised he would make changes but I’ll believe it when I see it. I will call emergency services if I feel he’s serious again at any point