Is it just his depression or is he selfish

[Crazelnut]

3 hours ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

He’s not on antidepressants but it’s possibly worth looking into it .. can make things worse so not sure. I was once put on Prozac and after 5 months of hell I tapered down and never again. Maybe just because I’m not clinically depressed but had a really bad situation at the time 

There are lots of options for antidepressants. You have to try different combos to find the right one. Just because YOU had trouble with ONE drug doesn't mean he can't find one that will work for him. 

[d0nnivain]

13 hours ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

he tells me each day lately he needs to find a reason to not give up. What do medical professionals do.. keep them in hospital if someone threatens their life? 

It depends on what the person needs.  Each case is different.  I am not a mental health professional.  I am just someone left behind after a suicide. 

 

7 hours ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

He is seeing a psychologist but it’s not as regular as I’d like .

 

7 hours ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

Who do I call where he can be looked after more than just for an appointment? This is serious because he gets impulsive 

When you travel, take the psychologist's phone # & contact info with you.  If you get a threat from the BF, you call the psychologist & you call the police. 

 

 

6 hours ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

 I get to see my therapist again in a fortnight.. 

I will ask her advice on next steps to take

that sounds like a good plan.  

[AlphaFemme99]

8 hours ago, Crazelnut said:

There are lots of options for antidepressants. You have to try different combos to find the right one. Just because YOU had trouble with ONE drug doesn't mean he can't find one that will work for him. 

I agree. I don’t know why his psychologist isn’t suggesting it. Or is he? My partner doesn’t want to go on them but I told him just because Valium was bad for him which he tried over a year ago (its anti anxiety not for depression) doesn’t mean depression meds won’t be good. Funny how it works .. I have anxiety so an occasional Valium suits me but there was a friend who was also wrongly given Valium for depression and it affected him as badly as the Prozac did for me 

[AlphaFemme99]

10 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Does he see a therapist of a psychiatrist? Because only a psychiatrist or a physician can prescribe medication.

You are correct, antidepressants can sometimes make things worse. One of the side effects is actually suicidal idealization. 

You really shouldn’t be attending his therapy sessions - there needs to be some boundary. You are confusing a crisis moment with his mental health care. In a crisis moment, you need to take steps to protect him - ie. call 911. You sound over-involved and I hate to say it, codependent, if you believe that you should attend his therapy sessions. 

My advice to you is that you need to take a BIG step back. He has drawn you into his drama and you are now as much a part of it as he is... take some distance, talk to your counsellor - you have some decisions to make. 

I didn’t make it clear. I don’t want to attend his sessions. I wanted to just have maybe 5 minutes with his therapist to say his situation is involving me because I feel in part responsible for his life but I also need help 
what do you recommend I do so that I can healthily deal with this and that he will be ok as well in case I decide to leave the relationship 

is that reasonable? While my therapist will help me with this, I thought because his knows him, he would be able to have better input 🤷🏼‍♀️

 

Edited May 18, 2021 by AlphaFemme99

[AlphaFemme99]

10 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

I don't know why you think you should be seeing HIS therapist.  His therapist is right, that wouldn't be appropriate.  You can't help him get better or be involved in his therapy or his treatment.  You are starting to sound dangerously close to thinking you can "fix" him, which is an unhealthy, codependent way of thinking.  This is why you should pursue your own 

10 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

I don't know why you think you should be seeing HIS therapist.  His therapist is right, that wouldn't be appropriate.  You can't help him get better or be involved in his therapy or his treatment.  You are starting to sound dangerously close to thinking you can "fix" him, which is an unhealthy, codependent way of thinking.  This is why you should pursue your own therapy.

Nah not interested in going to his sessions. I meant chatting to his psychologist briefly to ask for advice (since he knows him) so that I can be comforted to know I have support if I do decide to leave. I’d like professional back up so that he doesn’t end his life 

[AlphaFemme99]

8 hours ago, Crazelnut said:

He's NOT getting appropriate treatment. If he's so depressed he's threatening suicide, he needs to see a PSYCHIATRIST and get on meds. He needs to be seeing a therapist on a regular, frequent basis. 

If I were in your shoes, I would tell him that he needs to do those things (commit to seriously working on the problem) or I'd leave. Your relationship is unsustainable if he refuses to address his issues. Why should you be held hostage by his refusal to get appropriate help?

My late husband had several bouts of severe depression & anxiety, and he attempted suicide once. It's hard enough to deal with a partner's mental illness when they're taking it seriously and doing everything possible to combat it. It's practically impossible if they won't.

He was seeing his psychologist every fortnight and then around the time he lost his dad, the therapist was on a months leave. Then had to catch up on all these people in our small town so he is only seeing him monthly 😭

I will ask him to request more frequent treatments again because it’s so serious (surely he can fit him in) and yes .. good idea.. to see a psychiatrist as well. Thank you 

[Crazelnut]

24 minutes ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

He was seeing his psychologist every fortnight and then around the time he lost his dad, the therapist was on a months leave. Then had to catch up on all these people in our small town so he is only seeing him monthly 😭

I will ask him to request more frequent treatments again because it’s so serious (surely he can fit him in) and yes .. good idea.. to see a psychiatrist as well. Thank you 

A psychologist can NOT address his need for medication. Only a psychiatrist can do that. He CLEARLY needs meds! Make this a condition of your staying. Seriously. 

[Indigo Night]

On 5/15/2021 at 4:09 PM, AlphaFemme99 said:

 

So I’m coming to the sinking realisation yet again that it’s not just circumstances - he’s giving me enough evidence through actions that my feelings don’t seem to matter as much. I get I love you in words but I watch actions. 
I don’t think I’m overreacting .. what do you think? No matter how bad he’s feeling, he has now slowly started to work again and is managing. I feel that when someone wants to do something they make it happen - the same effort can be applied by taking a moment to check that your partner is doing ok and lend a bit of support once in a while 

I think you have a LOT to learn about how debilitating depression can be for some people.

There are days that just getting out of bed takes every ounce of mental willpower a person has. You seem ill equipped to deal with his depression long term. 

In a relationship with someone who deals with severe depression, sometimes you have to pull all of the weight emotionally until they can get their depression under control. If you can't do that, you're wasting their time, and yours. 

I truly hope that you never feel the hopelessness, and despair that people who suffer from severe depression often do. The fear that the person they love the most will leave them because they cannot get their depression under control. There are few things that feel worse than being terrified that you won't be able to get your depression under control before it buries you, literally.

[AlphaFemme99]

On 5/19/2021 at 6:27 PM, Indigo Night said:

I think you have a LOT to learn about how debilitating depression can be for some people.

There are days that just getting out of bed takes every ounce of mental willpower a person has. You seem ill equipped to deal with his depression long term. 

In a relationship with someone who deals with severe depression, sometimes you have to pull all of the weight emotionally until they can get their depression under control. If you can't do that, you're wasting their time, and yours. 

I truly hope that you never feel the hopelessness, and despair that people who suffer from severe depression often do. The fear that the person they love the most will leave them because they cannot get their depression under control. There are few things that feel worse than being terrified that you won't be able to get your depression under control before it buries you, literally.

I know it can get like that for some people but what I don’t understand is why my man hasn’t been prescribed anti depressants if it’s that bad? 

A partner can definitely do a lot to be there for someone (and I do) but at some point more help is needed if it’s that bad. For some reason also, his counselling sessions have become less frequent and he only started going because I asked him to after his stresses/anger were being taken out on me and I couldn’t live like that anymore. 

At what point does a partner get assistance or do things ever become balanced? I think in a relationship you can be there for someone but if it gets to a point where they start to tear down your mental health it’s a problem. Depression is not an excuse to lash out at others or not put in effort towards the relationship, particularly if you notice they are putting in effort toward other aspects in life 

[basil67]

49 minutes ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

But what I don’t understand is why my man hasn’t been prescribed anti depressants if it’s that bad? 

You said that he doesn't want them. so that's the first reason.  Second reason is because his psychologist can't prescribe them.   If he wants them, he needs to go to his primary care physician or a psychiatrist. 

Your man needs to help himself

Edited May 24, 2021 by basil67

[AlphaFemme99]

46 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You said that he doesn't want them. so that's the first reason.  Second reason is because his psychologist can't prescribe them.   If he wants them, he needs to go to his primary care physician or a psychiatrist. 

Your man needs to help himself

I’ve asked him to talk with his GP about it and we will discuss a psychiatrist too. The appointment is still coming up so his GP will be the first step. I’ll see if he’s comfortable to ask him for a referral to a psychiatrist as it would help both him and our relationship 
 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I don't think you're ready for marriage. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

 my man hasn’t been prescribed anti depressants.

his stresses/anger were being taken out on me and I couldn’t live like that anymore. 

Medications and therapy do not treat abuse. That's a conscious choice.

[Indigo Night]

11 hours ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

I know it can get like that for some people but what I don’t understand is why my man hasn’t been prescribed anti depressants if it’s that bad? 

A partner can definitely do a lot to be there for someone (and I do) but at some point more help is needed if it’s that bad. For some reason also, his counselling sessions have become less frequent and he only started going because I asked him to after his stresses/anger were being taken out on me and I couldn’t live like that anymore. 

At what point does a partner get assistance or do things ever become balanced? I think in a relationship you can be there for someone but if it gets to a point where they start to tear down your mental health it’s a problem. Depression is not an excuse to lash out at others or not put in effort towards the relationship, particularly if you notice they are putting in effort toward other aspects in life 

Sometimes, when someone is severely depressed, getting help, of any kind, feels impossible. It's not because the person doesn't want the help. Maybe they don't know where to get it. Maybe they don't feel worthy of summertime helping them. There are a lot of reasons why he may not be getting the help that he very likely needs. If he does not think he needs help, hats a whole different issue. There is truth in the idea that he has to want the help, and that he has to help himself. However, he will need help from a professional who understands the difficulties that he is facing, and where to find many of the resources he will need to seek out for treatment.

[redacted]

 It takes time, and a lot of patience, to help someone learn to deal with their depression. 

It's not fair how much you, his partner, will have to do, or put up with, due to his depression. The best thing you can do for yourself is individual counseling. A therapist can help you navigate your relationship, and teach you when you need to help, and when you need to set boundaries, or let him figure things out on his own.

Being the partner/spouse of someone with severe depression is not for the feint of heart. Only you can decide if it is something that you are capable of doing. Many people are not. It has nothing to do with whether or not you love someone enough. You can love him dearly, but just can't deal with his depression. It doesn't make  someone a bad person for not being able to handle living with a severely depressed person. It's extremely emotionally and mentally exhausting at times. Not everyone is cut out to live a person who suffers from a mental or emotional disorder. It didn't mean that they are selfish, or don't love there person. It can just be too much to handle.

Edited May 24, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
needs fact checking/giving medical advice

[Indigo Night]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Medications and therapy do not treat abuse. That's a conscious choice.

Generally, abusing someone is a conscious choice. However, there are many mental and emotional disorders that can cause a person to act inappropriately, and potentially abusive.

For example, someone with Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD) may lash out and throw things, yell, or even physically assault a loved one, if they get over stimulated, or extremely frustrated. Especially so if they are not medicated, or undergoing any kind of treatment. 

[]

Is it possible the the OPs partner knowingly lashes out in abusive ways, absolutely. It is also possible that he needs treatment to learn to control his emotions, as many with emotional or mental disorders do.

Edited May 24, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic

[AlphaFemme99]

You’re right that it could be a number of things. 
ODD isn’t something Ive heard of but I’ll look into it as it sounds relevant.. yelling isn’t a normal reaction to stress so it’s definitely something. Most times he honestly doesn’t even realise he’s raising his voice and says I’m overreacting. 

Many times I would liken him to a 15 year old when it comes to handling emotions .. a discussion is escalated often into an argument. At times I feel there are narcissistic qualities .. when a valid point is being made, the conversation is often twisted where the subject is changed or I’m asked “are you trying to pick a fight”. It’s times like these that I wonder: are some people actually using the cloak of depression to get away with bad behaviour? When there is a valid boundary broken and a partner wishes to discuss it calmly, I don’t know how someone can feel like they’re being confronted or attacked. It sounds more like avoiding accountability and resolving something like adults usually would. 
 

I understand strong painkillers could also have an effect on mood and he’s soon going to be treated for a physical condition causing chronic pain. I’m going to see how things change after he’s off the pain meds and feels better. With that and if he’s willing to do regular counselling again, there may be some hope for our relationship 

 

Edited May 24, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BaileyB]

I can’t honestly imagine why you are even considering marriage with this man OP.

I think you need to take a big step back, distance yourself for a while and do an honest assessment of what a future with this man would be. Counselling would be most beneficial for you, as you are too involved in his drama and way over your head here...

Edited May 24, 2021 by BaileyB

[AlphaFemme99]

37 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I can’t honestly imagine why you are even considering marriage with this man OP.

I think you need to take a big step back, distance yourself for a while and do an honest assessment of what a future with this man would be. Counselling would be most beneficial for you, as you are too involved in his drama and way over your head here...

I’m not thinking about marriage at this point at all .. if things improve I’ll consider it again when the time is right. 
Three reasons I’m delaying making a big decision now: Too soon after an unexpected loss. Plus, his surgery is coming up which will end chronic pain as well as allow him to pursue his career passions that the injury hampered, as well as do more nature activities with me, which he also loves. Our first relationship counselling session starts in 5 or so weeks .. 

I guess in a few months, these positive changes will determine whether it’s situational stresses or character traits that have had me second guessing the relationship for this past year. I’ll be making a decision before the end of the year and before our current lease expires either way 

[Indigo Night]

11 hours ago, Indigo Night said:

Generally, abusing someone is a conscious choice. However, there are many mental and emotional disorders that can cause a person to act inappropriately, and potentially abusive.

For example, someone with Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD) may lash out and throw things, yell, or even physically assault a loved one, if they get over stimulated, or extremely frustrated. Especially so if they are not medicated, or undergoing any kind of treatment. 

[]

Is it possible the the OPs partner knowingly lashes out in abusive ways, absolutely. It is also possible that he needs treatment to learn to control his emotions, as many with emotional or mental disorders do.

On a side note: My response is based on a degree in psychology, and over a decade of treating/helping people with mood disorders, and other special needs.

There are many mental and mood disorders that could cause the types of outburst the OP described her bf exhibiting. ODD, was just one example. It should not be considered a diagnosis.

[AlphaFemme99]

4 hours ago, Indigo Night said:

On a side note: My response is based on a degree in psychology, and over a decade of treating/helping people with mood disorders, and other special needs.

There are many mental and mood disorders that could cause the types of outburst the OP described her bf exhibiting. ODD, was just one example. It should not be considered a diagnosis.

Ive asked a couple of times in the past and he tells me he’s been tested for everything and doesn’t have any conditions (apart from depression).

I don’t really believe him. He is able to carry himself as if everything is fine though ... but I know there is definitely depression to a degree and an accompanying personality disorder (marginally improving since he’s been seeing a therapist) 

I believe it’s situational depression so we will see how things go now that two major factors of angst in his life are able to be resolved after covid delays 

Edited May 24, 2021 by AlphaFemme99

[Reena Goenka]

After looking at whatever he has gone through, you can certainly conclude it to be depression. At least before making any decision, consider the depression angle once and try to help your partner. I understand he needs help.

Depression acts weirdly. There is no perfect measure for depression. Depression can grab anyone anytime. It depends on how someone perceives a particular incident. His emotional and psychological built-up would help determine what exactly he is going through.

Yes, for you, it must be hard. Dealing with someone in depression or some kind of stress isn't easy, but the way you bothered to seek consultation, you certainly don't wanna end it at this moment.

I would suggest giving yourself some time; let him heal.

[AlphaFemme99]

21 minutes ago, Reena Goenka said:

After looking at whatever he has gone through, you can certainly conclude it to be depression. At least before making any decision, consider the depression angle once and try to help your partner. I understand he needs help.

Depression acts weirdly. There is no perfect measure for depression. Depression can grab anyone anytime. It depends on how someone perceives a particular incident. His emotional and psychological built-up would help determine what exactly he is going through.

Yes, for you, it must be hard. Dealing with someone in depression or some kind of stress isn't easy, but the way you bothered to seek consultation, you certainly don't wanna end it at this moment.

I would suggest giving yourself some time; let him heal.

Yes. I’m here as I’m trying every angle and I will give it more time, including couples counselling. In the next six months the direction to take will be clearer. 
Ideally this will work out 🙂 Will just see how it goes... 

[Dolfin80]

So what is he doing when you question if he is selfish?

 

what examples do you have of selfish behaviour? 

[AlphaFemme99]

4 hours ago, Dolfin80 said:

So what is he doing when you question if he is selfish?

 

what examples do you have of selfish behaviour? 

I feel like the balance between our exchanges have come to me putting in over 90% toward the relationship. My efforts firstly in helping him out of a rut lead to him relying on me I think 

when he was trying to land me as his partner, he put in a lot of effort to the best of his ability. He would do lovely things partners want to do for each other like drive me somewhere instead of thinking I can catch a bus. He’d buy expensive flowers occasionally just to put a smile on my face - now he won’t even pick some up at the supermarket even thought he knows I like them 

During our relationship I would do thoughtful things throughout the day.. make a nice meal .. .. be mindful of his knee pain and make sure he’s got more couch space etc. always listen to him and support him through what he’s going through.

I don’t really feel that this is reciprocated - his mind is too full of his own drama. He would ask me about my day but when it comes to noticing deeper layers or truly want to be a supportive partner, I don’t feel it. I don’t bother discussing much that matters to me due to that (and that’s a big deal ) 

now if he does anything for me he makes it seem like an effort. Doesn’t fail to remind me weeks down the track as well. I know depression can pull people into self absorption but i can’t shake the sense of selfishness