Is it acceptable for my gf to talk about sex with another man

[Jonny80]

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

Now she's blaming you & calling you names because she made crass & inappropriate comments?  Look up the term "gaslighting". 

It's nice that she wants to take you around the world.  I think you mentioned that she is accustomed to traveling 1st class  She must have some savings since she doesn't presently work & breeds cats for money.  It sounds more like she wants you to pay for the lifestyle she wants, while she's out & about saying whatever to whomever & complaining that you are bumpkin holding her back  

She had over 109k in savings. Iv been short of work due to Covid and been very poor financially,  she’s practically fed me 4 nights a week and leant me money to see me threw..  she’s not expecting me to pay her life style..

[Jonny80]

3 minutes ago, Uruktopi said:

Trust.......do you say you can trust her about NOT flirting with others?

Or are you (or she) saying that getting sexual seductive attention is ok as long as they not get in bed?

Hmmm, if that’s what happened then yeh I guess that’s wrong..

I’ll have to put it to her and ask her opinion?

[Jonny80]

14 minutes ago, Uruktopi said:

Trust.......do you say you can trust her about NOT flirting with others?

Or are you (or she) saying that getting sexual seductive attention is ok as long as they not get in bed?

I’m pretty confident that if this guy did actually make a move or suggest that he and my Gf gets it on she would shut him down pretty quickly..

 

[Jonny80]

33 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Look up the term "gaslighting". 

Wow...   reading the list can be scary but as it says we can all relate to being Gaslighted at some point?

[basil67]

40 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

So you accept it’s normal and to just take it with a pinch of salt?

I accept it as normal for them.   Though I do believe what they tell me. 

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, Jonny80 said:

 I asked her if I started meeting a female friend in the pub and talked about sex would it bother her..     she said no because she trusts me 100% why can’t you trust me?  I said I do but talking about anal sex with another guy, she said it’s my body but we weren’t talking about it he just jokingly do you take it and I said yes, we were messing around why are you so serious all the time.

Fair enough. If it bothers you it bothers you and if it doesn't, it doesn't.  I strongly suspect it would bother her more than she realizes, but I suppose I could always be wrong about that.

As before, I'd seriously consider if you REALLY want to marry this woman.

[Uruktopi]

1 hour ago, Jonny80 said:

I’m pretty confident that if this guy did actually make a move or suggest that he and my Gf gets it on she would shut him down pretty quickly..

 

Best of luck about.

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

@Jonny80  Sometimes the things which attract us to a partner can be the things which drive us away.   I bet when you met her, she was fun and flirty and you were attracted to her like a breath of fresh air.   Like the sun coming out after rain.    But now you're seeing that she's always fun and flirty and not just with you and it's getting too much.

 

I agree.

You can't make her into another woman who doesn't flirt in that way. You won't be able to change this one aspect of her personality. You won't be able to make her a more respectful fiancee. You can't change anything about her. Only you have the ability to change yourself.

It's about the emotional harm done to the relationship as a result of those actions that gradually erode the self-esteem.

One of you might just feel emotionally damaged or hindered at the end of the day.

[Jonny80]

1 hour ago, Alpaca said:

I agree.

You can't make her into another woman who doesn't flirt in that way. You won't be able to change this one aspect of her personality. You won't be able to make her a more respectful fiancee. You can't change anything about her. Only you have the ability to change yourself.

It's about the emotional harm done to the relationship as a result of those actions that gradually erode the self-esteem.

One of you might just feel emotionally damaged or hindered at the end of the day.

Yes I agree it was me, I wasn’t trying or suggested she should change, I didn’t realise she could be like that and share information of that nature, I’m now seeing after being with her for 8 months..

if she was being like this towards other men in the first week we met I very much doubt I would of stuck around..

to finish the relationship after 8 months because of what happened would be very difficult and very upsetting..

If morally I should end it over this I’m not sure..

she has said that men seem to pick her up and drop her down which she said I did when I suggested the engagement was a mistake.. I also know she finished with the last guy because she said he was to controlling but she’s not shared details of what he did..

Iv never told her not to do anything other than tell her I was upset about the sexually explicit content she shared for this other guy..

[Jonny80]

3 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Fair enough. If it bothers you it bothers you and if it doesn't, it doesn't.  I strongly suspect it would bother her more than she realizes, but I suppose I could always be wrong about that.

As before, I'd seriously consider if you REALLY want to marry this woman.

I may not get that far yet..

 

don’t think it’s what she said, I’m wondering why she said it as if there was ulterior motive..  and that motive being she wants this guy to fancy her or she secretly fancy him etc... but she could be with him but she just got engaged to me so can’t see it..

im not sure reading to much into why is a good idea? Analysing isn’t necessarily a good thing...

I thought I had come to terms with what has been said but I’m on the fence again now...  is this person trust worthy..?

[Alpacalia]

10 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

I didn’t realise she could be like that and share information of that nature, I’m now seeing after being with her for 8 months..

I understand.

Those characteristics attracted you to her in the first place, but you thought she went too far with them.

If these incidents happen again in the future, you have to ask yourself how much you're able to accept because it does inevitably take a toll on you.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Jonny80 said:

despite being retired due to illness she got offers a job recently 

How old is she? What is the nature of her disability?

So what does she do all day if she doesn't work?

Who does she live with and who supports her?

[Jonny80]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How old is she? What is the nature of her disability?

So what does she do all day if she doesn't work?

Who does she live with and who supports her?

She is 41,  the illness maker her tired and caused her pain all over so she needs plenty of rest etc..

she claims she doesn’t have enough hours in the day to do her chores.  She sees friends, does house hold chores look after her 13 cats, gardening.  She’s always complaining how busy she is and that she needs help..

She lives with her 2 young children both Under 10..  she gets various help from family and occasionally friends and obviously I now he’ll with things too.

[Jonny80]

1 hour ago, Alpaca said:

I understand.

Those characteristics attracted you to her in the first place, but you thought she went too far with them.

If these incidents happen again in the future, you have to ask yourself how much you're able to accept because it does inevitably take a toll on you.

Yes,  if they continue to happen it will clearly upset me and the inevitable will end up happening..

[mark clemson]

Tired all the time with an incurable illness 13 cats and 2 kids?

AND the trust issues.

None of that's her fault (well, except the trust issues) but - could it be you are playing the "White Knight" here?

Again, you SURE this is what you want?

[Jonny80]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Tired all the time with an incurable illness 13 cats and 2 kids?

AND the trust issues.

None of that's her fault (well, except the trust issues) but - could it be you are playing the "White Knight" here?

Again, you SURE this is what you want?

Doesn’t sound great I guess but we do get on at least 1 day per week 😂 

[Uruktopi]

3 hours ago, mark clemson said:

but - could it be you are playing the "White Knight" here?

Seems so.

[Uruktopi]

1 hour ago, Jonny80 said:

Doesn’t sound great I guess but we do get on at least 1 day per week 😂 

Two kids, 13 cats, a BF and, and, and........

Certainly, too much.

[Uruktopi]

15 hours ago, Jonny80 said:

..  and that motive being she wants this guy to fancy her or she secretly fancy him etc... but she could be with him but she just got engaged to me so can’t see it..

Search for the expression "cake eater"

[Divod62]

You have no evidence that she's a cheater.  She's inviting you when she meets her friends.  She was receptive to your boundary regarding the anal sex conversation.   She wants to be with you.  She even pays!  I don't see the problem here.  Having light flirtatious banter is not a sign of future infidelity, I have friends like her that are loyal to a fault.

Your girlfriend is living her life gregariously, despite her illness.  What would you prefer, an introverted homebody that wallows in self pity for the situation she's in?  She knows how to live.  I wouldn't try to stifle her spirit, I would embrace it.  Get out in the world and enjoy it with her. 

Best of luck.

[Miss Spider]

Wait, did you say 13 cats? 

[Jonny80]

10 hours ago, Divod62 said:

You have no evidence that she's a cheater.  She's inviting you when she meets her friends.  She was receptive to your boundary regarding the anal sex conversation.   She wants to be with you.  She even pays!  I don't see the problem here.  Having light flirtatious banter is not a sign of future infidelity, I have friends like her that are loyal to a fault.

Your girlfriend is living her life gregariously, despite her illness.  What would you prefer, an introverted homebody that wallows in self pity for the situation she's in?  She knows how to live.  I wouldn't try to stifle her spirit, I would embrace it.  Get out in the world and enjoy it with her. 

Best of luck.

I agree, I’m not and would not try to stifle her spirit, she’s always pushing me and motivating me to be more and think outside the box right down to my fashion and the cloths I wear...

i seeked advice purely to help me understand if this behaviour is acceptable in a relationship,  most people clearly think it’s not as I don’t my self..

it’s more a case of why and how this information is being shared, there were plenty of other sexual things spoken about such as her asking me if I’d like a 3 sum with 2 females, she already knows this as we’ve spoken about it, yet again something else she felt the need to share with this other guy... I’m more about the why? Why feel the need,   She isn’t sexually suggestive or flirtatious towards me behind closed doors...

we got engaged 12 days ago and haven’t had any sexual contact or even snogged each other since and now all of a sudden she’s trying to rush threw and bring forward our wedding date..  we’ll I won’t be rushing into marriage and will put it off until I’m sure of her actions..

[Jonny80]

10 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Wait, did you say 13 cats? 

These are all for breeding and not pets,  they can potentially bring in 50k per year not including costs of course,  it’s taken her 7 years to get this up and running

[elaine567]

11 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

These are all for breeding and not pets,  they can potentially bring in 50k per year not including costs of course,  it’s taken her 7 years to get this up and running

What breed and does she show them?

[Miss Peach]

7 hours ago, Jonny80 said:

i seeked advice purely to help me understand if this behaviour is acceptable in a relationship,  most people clearly think it’s not as I don’t my self..

we got engaged 12 days ago and haven’t had any sexual contact or even snogged each other since and now all of a sudden she’s trying to rush threw and bring forward our wedding date..  we’ll I won’t be rushing into marriage and will put it off until I’m sure of her actions..

I think this may be a mis-match of values you need to work out. I don't talk dirty (i.e., I want to do X to you) but I do like to talk about sex a lot and being in a relationship doesn't stop me. I don't bring it up around parents, work, etc. but I do bring it up socially. I also don't disclose things specific to my relationship's sex life. I've also been at several outings with others in relationships that have talked about sex. Even my boyfriend by my side doesn't stop me. I am quite an open book and am willing to say anything in front of him I would say in front of others. Having said that I had no interest romantically in any of these people and I have tunnel vision for the person I'm with. I even had a hall pass with women in my last relationship and couldn't even use it. It would bother me if I was told I couldn't do that anymore and I wouldn't be in a relationship like that. Having said that only a couple of people crossed the line with it but my boyfriends have confidence I'll shut them down and tell them about it. Openness and trust are huge things for me.

 

If she's rushing I wonder if she may be feeling insecure now after your argument and using speeding things up to try to get to a safe place emotionally. I understand your caution but it may not really be about the wedding. I would address trying to made her feel safe emotionally assuming you want to stay with her.