Alpacalia Posted May 21, 2021 Share Posted May 21, 2021 12 hours ago, Jonny80 said: it could be this lack of experience is why I’m allowing her so much freedom? Perhaps an alternative approach would be one where you get to decide whether you are you are comfortable with the manner in which she conducts herself, or whether you are simply maintaining the status quo and potentially dismissive of these liberties for the sake of the relationship. Do you want to remain an active participant by repeatedly compromising your own principles in order to maintain the relationship? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jonny80 Posted May 21, 2021 Author Share Posted May 21, 2021 22 minutes ago, Alpaca said: Perhaps an alternative approach would be one where you get to decide whether you are you are comfortable with the manner in which she conducts herself, or whether you are simply maintaining the status quo and potentially dismissive of these liberties for the sake of the relationship. Do you want to remain an active participant by repeatedly compromising your own principles in order to maintain the relationship? Honestly I dont think I do, I had thought we shared the same views on things such as talking sex with other people. But clearly not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted May 21, 2021 Share Posted May 21, 2021 13 hours ago, Jonny80 said: im 48 now it could be this lack of experience is why I’m allowing her so much freedom? You need to get over it. She apologized already and supposedly you are engaged. Freedom of speech? What exactly are you talking about? You both have freedom because you live apart and each do whatever you want. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 21, 2021 Share Posted May 21, 2021 I would think 99.9% of people would consider bringing up the subject of anal sex in the pub with the parcel guy, was inappropriate especially when the person bringing it up was almost completely sober and an older woman... I get some love shocking others and think it is hilarious, but here it seems the joke was on the OP and that was not a very caring thing to do. She sounds gauche, loud and immature. No class. I can see why her parents are so happy someone has showed up to take her on... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Uruktopi Posted May 21, 2021 Share Posted May 21, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, Jonny80 said: .... she’s trying to justify her mistake by saying and normal person would accept her behaviour ,, she’s saying this is only a problem because I lack trust, I’m jealous and insecure.. .... because she said sorry If she thinks she is right and you are wrong, please tell me, what about is she sorry? On "hurting" the feelings YOU have because you are "jealous and insecure" ? And NOT because she agrees on that she did wrong ? There is an unsaid power fight there around what a "normal person" would accept as "normal" behaviour. Two views on a certain kind of interactions between people in a relationship with third ones. She is not saying at all "I´m sorry for how I behaved". She is saying "I´m sorry that you are not a normal person as I am by taking what I did as a good thing". There is, my friend, a third alternative. She can and perhaps should preserve her single-like freedom and see it as the right thing to do. You can stand for what you value as right or wrong. But not together. As the meaning and scope of exclusivity is not a minor side of compatiblity, Edited May 21, 2021 by Uruktopi Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted May 21, 2021 Share Posted May 21, 2021 22 hours ago, Jonny80 said: To be fair she’s doing that behind my back any way, making me look like the bad guy.. I remember when she asked me to cook because she was to tired, I offered to bring food which Iv done plenty, She said no Iv got food here.. when I turned up I hadn’t been in the house 5 minutes and she was asking what we were having for tea? There was nothing other than Bacon which I bought the week previous.. there was rice and pasta but nothing to have with it other than bacon and she didn’t want that. I politely said I offered to bring food you should of told me. All I got was why the f*** didn’t you bring some and use your initiative then.. as I said I was told not to as there was food in. Considering I had spent 2 weeks building her sheds for her cats and saving her over £1500. She became very abusive because I didn’t have a meal plan when I arrived not knowing what food she had, she said I don’t help with f*** all abs bring f*** all to the table either help or f*** off... needless to say I left within being in the house 10!minutes at most, that’s after driving an hour to get there.. she went and told her parents I was to sensitive as a result of me going home after being sworn at.. it later got bought up in conversation with her parents she missed out the swearing and telling me to f*** off etc, despite constantly doing DIY, building, dressing her son, being chained to the kitchen sink, I don’t help out enough, I work all day and then tend to her needs.. i put up with that so can’t blame that on anyone but myself. It seems that there's far more to this situation than a "no hang ups about sex" girlfriend talking freely about anal sex in the pub. Was the situation you described out of character for her, or have their been others like it? How long has your involvement with her extended to doing diy, helping with childcare and doing other household chores? Are you living together or do you just spend a lot of time in her home and maintain a home of your own? It may be your choice to continue in a relationship with somebody who behaves like this, but the behaviour itself is on her not you. If you imagine not putting up with her treating you in this way...what would that look like? Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted May 21, 2021 Share Posted May 21, 2021 Personally, I would not marry a woman that flirts with other men. That will likely escalate and this probably won't be the last issue you have with that. Expect more. Discussing your sex life with someone is also a 'no go'. I'm sorry, but she doesn't sound like good long term marriage material. Proceed with extreme caution. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sun Seeker Posted May 21, 2021 Share Posted May 21, 2021 A few times you have mentioned her being flirtatious with other people as though it is a good thing. I struggle to understand this viewpoint, as really it is a very very bad thing. There is only one person on this Earth she should be flirting with, and that is you. Anyone else, the milkman, post man, guy down the pub, and that's overstepping a boundary. Add to that this sex talk, the whole host of other red flags, adding all of her additional baggage on top, you would be crazy to marry her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 21, 2021 Share Posted May 21, 2021 Flirtatiousness is one of the personality traits that is highly connected to cheating. It is a boundary thing. Loose boundaries can easily be breached. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jonny80 Posted May 21, 2021 Author Share Posted May 21, 2021 4 hours ago, elaine567 said: Flirtatiousness is one of the personality traits that is highly connected to cheating. It is a boundary thing. Loose boundaries can easily be breached. I have read that flirting is and can be considered cheating, the sex talk thing feels as if it was as close as you could come to cheating.. I’’m in a difficult situation, Iv been out for a meal tonight, my gf seems miserable on the outside with me, she’s all smiles with other people, even told the local pub owner we’re getting married and she wishes it was tomorrow.. she’s talking about colours abs all sorts, she’s booked 3 Venus to view this week end.. it may come as a shock when I opt to hold back 😳 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 21, 2021 Share Posted May 21, 2021 6 minutes ago, Jonny80 said: I have read that flirting is and can be considered cheating, the sex talk thing feels as if it was as close as you could come to cheating.. I’’m in a difficult situation, Iv been out for a meal tonight, my gf seems miserable on the outside with me, she’s all smiles with other people, even told the local pub owner we’re getting married and she wishes it was tomorrow.. she’s talking about colours abs all sorts, she’s booked 3 Venus to view this week end.. it may come as a shock when I opt to hold back 😳 Flirting is NOT cheating but it can be viewed as disrespectful. If she's outwardly miserable in her interactions with you but all smiles with others, this relationship is ending. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted May 21, 2021 Share Posted May 21, 2021 (edited) Marriage is kind of a thing ... don’t think it’s a good idea to consider it with someone you trust so little that people on an a message board are enough to sway you. You don’t trust her and a big part of you is screaming run Edited May 21, 2021 by Cookiesandough Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jonny80 Posted May 22, 2021 Author Share Posted May 22, 2021 14 hours ago, Taramere said: It seems that there's far more to this situation than a "no hang ups about sex" girlfriend talking freely about anal sex in the pub. Was the situation you described out of character for her, or have their been others like it? How long has your involvement with her extended to doing diy, helping with childcare and doing other household chores? Are you living together or do you just spend a lot of time in her home and maintain a home of your own? It may be your choice to continue in a relationship with somebody who behaves like this, but the behaviour itself is on her not you. If you imagine not putting up with her treating you in this way...what would that look like? Iv been helping for months, there’s loads need doing still, summer houses, sheds, cat shelters, new kitchen... In 9 months of being together this is probably only the 4th time we’ve been child free, so when we come home from a meal out as usual she just wants to watch tv before bed, no sex again but she just spend gif knows how long talking about the wedding... 😳😳😳 wtf am I doing, how did I fall in love with this situation I’ll never know.. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted May 22, 2021 Share Posted May 22, 2021 3 hours ago, Jonny80 said: 9 months of being together. talking about the wedding... 😳😳😳. Why are you talking about weddings when you've only known each other 36 weeks? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jonny80 Posted May 22, 2021 Author Share Posted May 22, 2021 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: Why are you talking about weddings when you've only known each other 36 weeks? She said last night that she wanted to do it sooner rather than later before her health deteriorated.. Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted May 22, 2021 Share Posted May 22, 2021 (edited) 4 hours ago, Jonny80 said: Iv been helping for months, there’s loads need doing still, summer houses, sheds, cat shelters, new kitchen... In 9 months of being together this is probably only the 4th time we’ve been child free, so when we come home from a meal out as usual she just wants to watch tv before bed, no sex again but she just spend gif knows how long talking about the wedding... 😳😳😳 wtf am I doing, how did I fall in love with this situation I’ll never know.. So presumably you're a pretty handy guy who is good at doing this sort of stuff. If you're capable of building cat shelters, fitting a new kitchen, sorting out summer houses etc then that lets her hang onto that $100,000 or so that she has...which would otherwise very swiftly be gone. Spent on getting tradespeople to do this kind of thing. And she gets to add value to what is presumably, right now, her property. If you're going to get married, I think you need to get a pre-nup which will specify and take into account the value of the work you've already carried out and the value it's added to the property. It could well be that you enjoy doing this kind of thing, but just because you enjoy a particular type of work that doesn't mean you aren't entitled to remuneration for it. You're going to be really bitter - and understandably so - if she gets all this work out of you, which adds a great deal of value to her home, only to break things off with you further down the road. Meantime, I wouldn't do any more of that sort of work unless you're absolutely sure you're doing it purely because you enjoy it/want to help without any expectation of any return. It sounds like the sort of back-breaking work that she'd have to pay high rates for a professional to do. Edited May 22, 2021 by Taramere Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jonny80 Posted May 22, 2021 Author Share Posted May 22, 2021 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: Why are you talking about weddings when you've only known each other 36 weeks? Despite everything Iv spoken about we do love each other.. if I can accept the things I’m concerned about with a pinch of salt I think we’d be fine and enjoy our time together... im still in debate with my self, head over heart if my love for her is enough to plaster over the cracks, it’s like 99% of people that say to many red flags run! But they are not the ones with the love for this person, if I didn’t love her I could walk away easy with no regrets. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jonny80 Posted May 22, 2021 Author Share Posted May 22, 2021 1 minute ago, Taramere said: So presumably you're a pretty handy guy who is good at doing this sort of stuff. If you're capable of building cat shelters, fitting a new kitchen, sorting out summer houses etc then that lets her hang onto that $100,000 or so that she has...which would otherwise very swiftly be gone. Spent on getting tradespeople to do this kind of thing. And she gets to add value to what is presumably, right now, her property. If you're going to get married, I think you need to get a pre-nup which will specify and take into account the value of the work you've already carried out and the value it's added to the property. It could well be that you enjoy doing this kind of thing, but just because you enjoy a particular type of work that doesn't mean you aren't entitled to remuneration for it. You're going to be really bitter - and understandably so - if she gets all this work out of you, which adds a great deal of value to her home, only to break things off with you further down the road. To be fair she only rents currently, this was a safe house she got placed in when she left her ex husband who was convicted of beating her up 5 times over 5 years.. tell you the kind of person she is, despite her past and getting knocked about, she still helps her ex, she lends him hoovers drives him to the garage to get his car fixed etc. She told me once she feels sorry for him for being such a looser, he’s lost 5 jobs in as many years and he doesn’t declare his income just to avoids paying child maintenance.. I think maybe saying my gf flirts with everyone maybe harsh, I think she genuinely is a caring person that is just friendly with everyone, she’s already told me she thrives on being social.. I don’t want to get mugged off but I do want her to be happy, Iv gone from being single 11 years to sharing wonderful experiences together but there’s also been difficult periods too.. you could argue from me accepting things about her and her life.. I’m trying to be positive, if she wanted another man or the parcel guy she could of been with him before she met me? Equally her 2 male friends that she walks her dog with she could of been with them before she met met? She’s known 1 of them guys almost 20 years.. last night at 4 am she went and slept in the spare room because I was keeping her awake snoring, I was about to leave for work this morning at 6:45 and she came in and demanded we made love. I do think if we can accept and agree on having different boundaries we will be happy. Despite being ill she does offer things which I think would be hard to find from another woman.. Like someone eluded to, I’m almost dishing her for her flirty bubbly personality which is the very thing that attracted me to her.. Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted May 22, 2021 Share Posted May 22, 2021 12 minutes ago, Jonny80 said: last night at 4 am she went and slept in the spare room because I was keeping her awake snoring, I was about to leave for work this morning at 6:45 and she came in and demanded we made love. I do think if we can accept and agree on having different boundaries we will be happy. Despite being ill she does offer things which I think would be hard to find from another woman.. Like someone eluded to, I’m almost dishing her for her flirty bubbly personality which is the very thing that attracted me to her.. She demanded you make love? It sounds as though accepting and agreeing on your boundaries is going to be quite the uphill climb. But it also sounds as though you're determined to make this relationship work. If that's the case then you probably also need to figure out some boundaries to help you get the best out of this board. At the moment I think a lot of posters are generally (pretty fairly) assuming that you want advice about whether or not you should continue in this relationship. It sounds as though you are committed to continuing the relationship but want to improve you communication and boundary setting skills within it. And I do think you'll get a lot of practice in learning to improve both those things. As far as dissing her for her flirty, bubbly personality goes - there are generally a few annoying accompaniments to the qualities that attract us to other people. Relationships of any kind often take a lot of work in balancing a) learning to take the bad with the good with b) identifying our own boundaries so that we don't become so hooked on the good bits that we accept negative elements to an extent that is bad for our personal growth and mental wellbeing. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted May 22, 2021 Share Posted May 22, 2021 1 hour ago, Jonny80 said: She said last night that she wanted to do it sooner rather than later before her health deteriorated.. Is this a sham marriage for insurance coverage? What does she mean by that? Does she have MS? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jonny80 Posted May 22, 2021 Author Share Posted May 22, 2021 11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Is this a sham marriage for insurance coverage? What does she mean by that? Does she have MS? Something similar, think it’s called EDS elders danlos syndrome.. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted May 22, 2021 Share Posted May 22, 2021 12 minutes ago, Jonny80 said: Something similar.. So, why hasn't it occurred to you that whatever she has or whatever meds she takes for it significantly impair her judgement? Why would you agree to marry someone you know 36 weeks who supposedly has serious medical problems? Especially problems you're not even sure of? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jonny80 Posted May 22, 2021 Author Share Posted May 22, 2021 57 minutes ago, Taramere said: She demanded you make love? It sounds as though accepting and agreeing on your boundaries is going to be quite the uphill climb. But it also sounds as though you're determined to make this relationship work. If that's the case then you probably also need to figure out some boundaries to help you get the best out of this board. At the moment I think a lot of posters are generally (pretty fairly) assuming that you want advice about whether or not you should continue in this relationship. It sounds as though you are committed to continuing the relationship but want to improve you communication and boundary setting skills within it. And I do think you'll get a lot of practice in learning to improve both those things. As far as dissing her for her flirty, bubbly personality goes - there are generally a few annoying accompaniments to the qualities that attract us to other people. Relationships of any kind often take a lot of work in balancing a) learning to take the bad with the good with b) identifying our own boundaries so that we don't become so hooked on the good bits that we accept negative elements to an extent that is bad for our personal growth and mental wellbeing. I think I’m trying to be open minded and fair, if she hasn’t done anything wrong does she deserve to be treated harshly by me and walk away? iv got enough time to evaluate this situation and her behaviour before we get married.. I wanted clarification that my thoughts of her talking openly about sex was wrong and that it wasn’t me being insecure, untrusting or jealous, I was genuinely offended.. she said sorry and she said she’s prepared to marry me and potentially part with 10’s of thousands of pounds.. I don’t see these actions as a person who’s about to hop into bed with another man!? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted May 22, 2021 Share Posted May 22, 2021 (edited) 6 minutes ago, Jonny80 said: potentially part with 10’s of thousands of pounds. What do you mean by that? Why would she lose money because of you? The bigger question is why don't you even know what her illness is or what she takes for it? And the even bigger question is why are you talking marriage after dating 36 weeks? Then there is the biggest question of all. Why are you with someone who you disrespect so much? Edited May 22, 2021 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jonny80 Posted May 22, 2021 Author Share Posted May 22, 2021 4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: So, why hasn't it occurred to you that whatever she has or whatever meds she takes for it significantly impair her judgement? Why would you agree to marry someone you know 36 weeks who supposedly has serious medical problems? Especially problems you're not even sure of? I’m sure of them, I see how they effect her, the medication doesn’t effect her judgment... other than the issues I raised which I needed to clarify weather they were acceptable or not we do actually love each other and get on 90% of the time.. I myself have become a little bit more reserved about our relationship because of the sex talk which took place. Iv never sat here and needed advice if I should be with this woman because she has an illness.. I accepted this part of about her from day 1.. her illness is not making her talk dirty to other men by all accounts!? i want her to be happy because I love her, but I won’t ever condone my gf or wife talking about anal sex to a man she hardly knows. Link to post Share on other sites
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