Is it acceptable for my gf to talk about sex with another man

[Uruktopi]

11 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

Its basically getting someone to accept bad behavior as normal or baseline.  Its a slow process.  Act out, apologize,  be overly affectionate then repeat with something a little worse.

 

" You can boil a living frog. Just put him in a pan of water and turn up the heat so slowly that he doesn’t notice anything's wrong until it’s too late to hop out."

[DKT3]

All he has to do is jump over to the other women/men section and see what it looks like.

Common things you hear over there...how did I let this happen,  I never thought I would be here, I dont recognize the person I became, I have never allowed people to treat me this way, I'm usually a strong person. 

[Jonny80]

18 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

Its basically getting someone to accept bad behavior as normal or baseline.  Its a slow process.  Act out, apologize,  be overly affectionate then repeat with something a little worse.

I don't expect you to honestly answer,  but I guessing she doesn't have any long standing relationships with females. Her female friends (with the exception of 1 or 2) have been friends with her for a short period of time. If this is true its a sign that she has no boundaries.  As I said, I dont expect you to answer this honestly but answer it to yourself.  Find out about her female friends. 

Well in all honesty, she has lived in many different places and met many friends along the way.  I’m not sure who or why her friends are or for how long.

Iv spoken in depth with her father so I know she is true in what she says..

 

she has an incurable illness, she has a daughter that has issues do to witnessing her mother being beat up by er ex husband 5 times,   She’s trying to run a business from home as her income,  she’s incredibly independent,  she’s living on savings of over 100k 

I have no reason to doubt or Diss believe what she or her farther tells me, everyone who knows her keeps telling me how lovely she is..

I’m inexperienced with relationships due to bad luck and living alone for over 12 years.   This is probably why I’m not sure of what’s acceptable behaviour and need to ask for opinions, I admit I have issues from past experiences, that alone could be a reason for her to ditch me but she always stand by me and try to help.,

it was her sexual flirtatious personality that made me fall in love with her..  she will be the same person weather she’s single, with me or another man..

she’s admitted her behaviour on Friday is wrong based on my belief and will stop it out of love and respect..   if she doesn’t then I’ll have to seriously get out..

[Jonny80]

40 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

All he has to do is jump over to the other women/men section and see what it looks like.

Common things you hear over there...how did I let this happen,  I never thought I would be here, I dont recognize the person I became, I have never allowed people to treat me this way, I'm usually a strong person. 

I will keep pay close attention to what happens and stay vigilant,   This was only the first time she’s acted out in a way that shocked me..

In the right circumstances I’m happy for friendly banter being exchanged, I’m a cheeky chap at times, I just don’t ask ladies direct questions like..

[Uruktopi]

44 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

.....her sexual flirtatious personality..  she will be the same person weather she’s single, with me or another man..

Same if single as if not......

What you say as a compliment would be a serious red flag for a lot of us. Or even a reason to walk away.

Edited May 17, 2021 by Uruktopi

[Wiseman2]

46 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

I’m a cheeky chap at times, I just don’t ask ladies direct questions like..

Why not? Joking. How did she react when you mentioned how inappropriate this topic matter is?

[Jonny80]

1 hour ago, Uruktopi said:

Same if single as if not......

What you say as a compliment would be a serious red flag for a lot of us. Or even a reason to walk away.

Well she claims she’s never cheated and claims to be one of the most faithful people I could meet, Iv no reason to diss believe.  Other than the Friday night talk

[Jonny80]

32 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why not? Joking. How did she react when you mentioned how inappropriate this topic matter is?

She didn’t see a problem with her actions, she was very quick to apologise.

[mark clemson]

Hmmm.

"I do like anal sex, tee hee. Except actually I don't. And I like to flirt tee hee, even right in front of my future husband. And discuss anal sex with the delivery guy who comes around regularly."

Uh huh.

Ok, so I can understand women not wanting to "commit" to anal sex regularly and "create an expectation". Fair enough. AND I understand that SOME people (not all) can flirt and it never leads to anything (although I DO think it's pretty inconsiderate to do it right in front of one's partner).

However, given the totality here, I'll just chime in in line with others above. I think you need to really consider whether marrying this woman is the right move.

Not enough sex. Plenty of flirting with other men. Completely understandable insecurities and frustrations on your part about the state of the marriage due to these ongoing issues.

I think you may be doing the metaphorical equivalent of buying an expensive-looking pair of shoes that hurt to wear. Pretty, flirty wife, but actually not much in it for you except ongoing distress.

I would rethink going forward with this if I were you to make sure you think it's worth it.

Edited May 17, 2021 by mark clemson

[Uruktopi]

42 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

Well she claims she’s never cheated and claims to be one of the most faithful people I could meet, Iv no reason to diss believe.  Other than the Friday night talk

For some people and not a few, to flirt with others as if single while being in a relationship is not the paramount of a faithful person.

You obviously don´t take it as being unloyal (and that´s what it counts in your relationship).

I see it otherwise.

Best wishes.

Edited May 17, 2021 by Uruktopi

[Marc878]

I predict you’ll go ahead with the marriage and be sorry after.

I hope I’m wrong but…..

[Jonny80]

2 hours ago, Marc878 said:

I predict you’ll go ahead with the marriage and be sorry after.

I hope I’m wrong but…..

No date for marriage has been set, we live an hours drive apart, there won’t be no marriage I’m guessing for maybe upto 2 years away,..  she paid for the ring to so being engaged only cost me a night in town 😂..  

 

it’s only my emotional state of mind I need think of at this point..

[Jonny80]

2 hours ago, Uruktopi said:

For some people and not a few, to flirt with others as if single while being in a relationship is not the paramount of a faithful person.

You obviously don´t take it as being unloyal (and that´s what it counts in your relationship).

I see it otherwise.

Best wishes.

Because I’m already involved in this, I can keep a close eye on things..

I asked my self, why does she need to meet or flirt with this guy 8 months after I met her when she already knew him before we met??  She could of got together with this guy before we met?

Like I said today, the way she speaks with women ie the post lady who’s a bit out there, the post lady is more than happy to talk about her putting sexy heels on for her man at home, my gf is even comes across as overly flirtatious with her and she certainly isn’t bisexual or gay..   

and today she met another male friend who she introduced me to and she was very friendly in flirty stroke joke like manner and he doesn’t great at all..

despite being retired due to illness she got offers a job recently due to them thinking she’s a people person which she is, she could charm the hind legs off a donkey..

when we met for the first time I remember her saying to abs oldish gent with grey hair, “you’re dressed way to smart to be looking after the parking”.  There was no sexual intent on her part. She just charms people..  

I don’t think she’s a deliberately cruel person,  how would it benefit her or me for her to take me to meet this guy in the pub and flirt to the point it could offend me and split us up,  she claims it’s harmless and he done most of the talking.. he was telling us about his dating experience being single etc..

He was telling us how he’d exchanged some semi naked pictures with other ladies,  my gf said “we didn’t do that did we”. I said “I didn’t realise you wanted to sorry if it dissapointed you”.    She said “of course I wasn’t disappointed I was just saying”.     If she wanted to flirt or reveal these sexual things about her self why wait until I’m present and ruin our relationship?  These things could of been asked during the day when I’m at work?  They didn’t need to wait for an afternoon at the pub?  Am I being to trusting here? 
 

she could of slept with him before she met me?   She’s told me she doesn’t fancy him..  when I asked her the first time she met a male friend and said I wasn’t comfortable with it she phoned me the next morning in tears asking why I don’t trust her and that I could trust her with my life,  at that point I didn’t know who was her friends and who were random men etc..

to summarise, despite she’s constantly in pain with illness, she’s always helping people and I’m constantly telling her to slow down for her own good..

she’s constantly txting her sister’s husband just being friendly for banter and laughs..

I genuinely think what some people may deem unacceptable flirting she just do naturally and not intentionally if that makes sense?

if I asked her friends if she was the faithful type I bet they’d all say yes with out hesitation.

are you all saying I should be wary about her getting upto no good with men?

[basil67]

OK, given the above, it makes far more sense why she sees you as controlling.   It's not just one thing which you see as wrong, there are so many incidences of her behaviour which you don't approve.  While you may not have mentioned all of them to her, she knows that you want her to change or be someone else.   And to be fair, you do want her to stop talking so openly.  

Your fiance is open and flirty and lacks filters.  This is who she is.  Either accept it or move on.  But trying to change her is unfair to her and a fools errand for you.   Find yourself a woman who's more circumspect and leave her for a guy who's also open and flirty.  

[Jonny80]

3 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Hmmm.

"I do like anal sex, tee hee. Except actually I don't. And I like to flirt tee hee, even right in front of my future husband. And discuss anal sex with the delivery guy who comes around regularly."

Uh huh.

Ok, so I can understand women not wanting to "commit" to anal sex regularly and "create an expectation". Fair enough. AND I understand that SOME people (not all) can flirt and it never leads to anything (although I DO think it's pretty inconsiderate to do it right in front of one's partner).

However, given the totality here, I'll just chime in in line with others above. I think you need to really consider whether marrying this woman is the right move.

Not enough sex. Plenty of flirting with other men. Completely understandable insecurities and frustrations on your part about the state of the marriage due to these ongoing issues.

I think you may be doing the metaphorical equivalent of buying an expensive-looking pair of shoes that hurt to wear. Pretty, flirty wife, but actually not much in it for you except ongoing distress.

I would rethink going forward with this if I were you to make sure you think it's worth it.

 I asked her if I started meeting a female friend in the pub and talked about sex would it bother her..     she said no because she trusts me 100% why can’t you trust me?  I said I do but talking about anal sex with another guy, she said it’s my body but we weren’t talking about it he just jokingly do you take it and I said yes, we were messing around why are you so serious all the time.

[basil67]

@Jonny80  Sometimes the things which attract us to a partner can be the things which drive us away.   I bet when you met her, she was fun and flirty and you were attracted to her like a breath of fresh air.   Like the sun coming out after rain.    But now you're seeing that she's always fun and flirty and not just with you and it's getting too much.

 

[Jonny80]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

OK, given the above, it makes far more sense why she sees you as controlling.   It's not just one thing which you see as wrong, there are so many incidences of her behaviour which you don't approve.  While you may not have mentioned all of them to her, she knows that you want her to change or be someone else.   And to be fair, you do want her to stop talking so openly.  

Your fiance is open and flirty and lacks filters.  This is who she is.  Either accept it or move on.  But trying to change her is unfair to her and a fools errand for you.   Find yourself a woman who's more circumspect and leave her for a guy who's also open and flirty.  

You’re 90% correct.   What it boils down to is, I met her during a small window during lockdown, we’ve spent 8 months in each other’s company and I hadn’t seen her around other men etc...

 

now that lockdown has lifted and we are getting out and meeting people I’m seeing this flirtatious side to her, I forgot it was this which charmed me when we first met..   Iv realised in the past 3 days it’s who she is and it’s not an act just for that 1 guy, she’s like it with everyone,  she sometimes shocks her parents with 1 liners..

I do trust her and believe she’s just being her and she’s not cheating or doesn’t plan to.    It was a shock at first the way she was speaking but she said to me she accepted in more private and she’ll stop talking like that but can I accept she’s a social butterfly and she thrives on being sociable..    I love her very much, and her Illness could take her life at anytime, I want her to be happy and I want us to be happy together.  Although we can’t have as much sex as both of us would like due to her constant pain I get so much more in terms of affection,  she’s now spent over £1000 on tickets and hotels booking 5 different outing dating into 2022.  I can’t see her making this effort just to mug me off by flirting?

3 days ago I was a tad upset about her no filter talking but after discussing it for 3 days Iv come to accept it’s her and it’s not right for me to change her.  She has already said sorry for offending me and she won’t do it again out of respect..  I appreciate her actions..

[basil67]

1 minute ago, Jonny80 said:

3 days ago I was a tad upset about her no filter talking but after discussing it for 3 days Iv come to accept it’s her and it’s not right for me to change her.  She has already said sorry for offending me and she won’t do it again out of respect..  I appreciate her actions..

I think this is as good as you're going to get.   Sometimes in a relationship, we get the the point where we don't see anything wrong with our own actions (and would be fine if our partner did the same thing), but agree to change it because it's important to the partner.  

That said, be careful that she doesn't start feeling too stifled and end up resenting you.  

[Jonny80]

18 minutes ago, basil67 said:

@Jonny80  Sometimes the things which attract us to a partner can be the things which drive us away.   I bet when you met her, she was fun and flirty and you were attracted to her like a breath of fresh air.   Like the sun coming out after rain.    But now you're seeing that she's always fun and flirty and not just with you and it's getting too much.

 

You’re kinda right,  I’m going to give it more time to see how she acts with different people etc.   It’s only the talk about the sex which pissed me off..

 

at the time she had her legs and arms around me cuddled up as it was a bit chilly..

she said to me yesterday she appreciates I’m not as worldly wide and experienced as her and that my lack of experience makes me less mature than her.  She said because she loves me she wants to take me around the world and show my life and improve my social skills and life experience..,  I believe she loves me...    

If I don’t allow insecurities or past experiences to cloud my judgment I think I’ll handle it and be happy together.  I’m 100% sure that’s all she wants.. stability and to enjoy life..

[Jonny80]

6 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I think this is as good as you're going to get.   Sometimes in a relationship, we get the the point where we don't see anything wrong with our own actions (and would be fine if our partner did the same thing), but agree to change it because it's important to the partner.  

That said, be careful that she doesn't start feeling too stifled and end up resenting you.  

I hear you,  I’m giving her the freedom she wants to express her self,  I did hear her tell her best friends husband that she’s heard about him having big testicles, i didn’t batter an eye lid, it was harmless and banter, she only knows this because her friend told her..  you could say she acts like one of the lads.  This is who she is..  I accept it..  only time will tell if her actions cause problems..

[Uruktopi]

28 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

Because I’m already involved in this, I can keep a close eye on things..

I asked my self, why does she need to meet or flirt with this guy 8 months after I met her when she already knew him before we met??  She could of got together with this guy before we met?

Like I said today, the way she speaks with women ie the post lady who’s a bit out there, the post lady is more than happy to talk about her putting sexy heels on for her man at home, my gf is even comes across as overly flirtatious with her and she certainly isn’t bisexual or gay..   

and today she met another male friend who she introduced me to and she was very friendly in flirty stroke joke like manner and he doesn’t great at all..

despite being retired due to illness she got offers a job recently due to them thinking she’s a people person which she is, she could charm the hind legs off a donkey..

when we met for the first time I remember her saying to abs oldish gent with grey hair, “you’re dressed way to smart to be looking after the parking”.  There was no sexual intent on her part. She just charms people..  

I don’t think she’s a deliberately cruel person,  how would it benefit her or me for her to take me to meet this guy in the pub and flirt to the point it could offend me and split us up,  she claims it’s harmless and he done most of the talking.. he was telling us about his dating experience being single etc..

He was telling us how he’d exchanged some semi naked pictures with other ladies,  my gf said “we didn’t do that did we”. I said “I didn’t realise you wanted to sorry if it dissapointed you”.    She said “of course I wasn’t disappointed I was just saying”.     If she wanted to flirt or reveal these sexual things about her self why wait until I’m present and ruin our relationship?  These things could of been asked during the day when I’m at work?  They didn’t need to wait for an afternoon at the pub?  Am I being to trusting here? 
 

she could of slept with him before she met me?   She’s told me she doesn’t fancy him..  when I asked her the first time she met a male friend and said I wasn’t comfortable with it she phoned me the next morning in tears asking why I don’t trust her and that I could trust her with my life,  at that point I didn’t know who was her friends and who were random men etc..

to summarise, despite she’s constantly in pain with illness, she’s always helping people and I’m constantly telling her to slow down for her own good..

she’s constantly txting her sister’s husband just being friendly for banter and laughs..

I genuinely think what some people may deem unacceptable flirting she just do naturally and not intentionally if that makes sense?

if I asked her friends if she was the faithful type I bet they’d all say yes with out hesitation.

are you all saying I should be wary about her getting upto no good with men?

I understand quite well where from are you looking at all this, your viewpoint.

Is not a one I share with you, anyhow. What shouldn´t be relevant: are your values and boundaries what count, not necessarily mine.

Just to clarify my point about: " I genuinely think what some people may deem unacceptable flirting she just do naturally and not intentionally if that makes sense?"

It make a lot of sense IF and only IF:

- You think that the meaning of things is enough given by intentions, inner individual ones. I don´t think the same.

- You think that flirting is harmles unless it leads to "more". I take flirting as problematic by itself, WHEN you are in a relationship and WHEN it´s not with your partner.

So yes, it makes sense in your emotional frame. Not in mine. Which is fine, of course.  

 

 

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

It’s only the talk about the sex which pissed me off.. 

Sex talk is kinda par for course for the fun and flirty woman.  I'm female - and my most fun and flirty female friends do allude to (if not talk openly about) sex.  

[d0nnivain]

5 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

she appreciates I’m not as worldly wide and experienced as her and that my lack of experience makes me less mature than her.  She said because she loves me she wants to take me around the world and show my life and improve my social skills and life experience..,  I believe she loves me...    

Now she's blaming you & calling you names because she made crass & inappropriate comments?  Look up the term "gaslighting". 

It's nice that she wants to take you around the world.  I think you mentioned that she is accustomed to traveling 1st class  She must have some savings since she doesn't presently work & breeds cats for money.  It sounds more like she wants you to pay for the lifestyle she wants, while she's out & about saying whatever to whomever & complaining that you are bumpkin holding her back  

[Jonny80]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

Sex talk is kinda par for course for the fun and flirty woman.  I'm female - and my most fun and flirty female friends do allude to (if not talk openly about) sex.  

So you accept it’s normal and to just take it with a pinch of salt?

[Uruktopi]

28 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

 I asked her if I started meeting a female friend in the pub and talked about sex would it bother her..     she said no because she trusts me 100% why can’t you trust me?  I said I do but talking about anal sex with another guy, she said it’s my body but we weren’t talking about it he just jokingly do you take it and I said yes, we were messing around why are you so serious all the time.

Trust.......do you say you can trust her about NOT flirting with others?

Or are you (or she) saying that getting sexual seductive attention is ok as long as they not get in bed?