Is it acceptable for my gf to talk about sex with another man

[elaine567]

40 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

what’s bothering me at the minute is yesterday when at work I thought I’d seduce her via txt in an attempt to have some fun,  seen as she was happy to tell a guy she liked anal sex I thought I’d offer to have sex and include some anal sex,  she said via txt she was happy I wanted to be close to her but when I got home from work there was no mention of sex or the raunchy txt I had sent..

She already told you she was no fan of anal so why would you think she would be raring to go when you got home.
If you want to seduce a woman you need to dangle something in front of her that she actually likes...

She was talking BS in the pub...

[Jonny80]

12 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

If she did it in front of you, it might be she liked /wanted the attention... like almost in an exhibitionist /shock type of way.., is this first time she’s ever done anything similar ( sorry if you mentioned) 

She does joke around sometimes and can be brash,  she even shocks her parents sometimes with 1 liners..

she’s as flirty with women as she is with men, as an example the night we got engaged she was dancing in her friends bedroom and she was pressing her boobs against her friends boobs but she is in no way no bi sexual..

she just seems to joke about sexual things all the time in the company of others.. she’s not like that with me in private, I don’t get it.

[Jonny80]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Do her good points make up for the fact that she doesn’t show you physical affection or respect - in front of other men? 

I feel like three years down the road you are going to be back complaining about the fact that you are young and in a sexless relationship and/or she has cheated on you and you will be saying... “I didn’t see it coming...” And we will be like - really? Seriously? 

She claims she’s never cheated and never would.. she ended up in tears last time I suggested I couldn’t trust her.

[Jonny80]

3 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

She already told you she was no fan of anal so why would you think she would be raring to go when you got home.
If you want to seduce a woman you need to dangle something in front of her that she actually likes...

She was talking BS in the pub...

I get this totally,  what I’m trying to work out is why talk like that? What’s she to gain? She wouldn’t invite me there to end our relationship over stupid comments?  She could of met him without me and talked about sex all afternoon but she insisted I went,  in fact when she went to collect her son, she suggested I stayed with this guy and have another drink.  I was thinking no thnx he just asked you if you like anal abs said he really likes you.

[Alpacalia]

50 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

she’s as flirty with women as she is with men, as an example the night we got engaged she was dancing in her friends bedroom and she was pressing her boobs against her friends boobs but she is in no way no bi sexual..

Well, you've done an excellent job painting a picture of her for us.

Is it for real though?

I mean some of the things you've described seem a little outlandish.

[BaileyB]

52 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

She claims she’s never cheated and never would.. she ended up in tears last time I suggested I couldn’t trust her.

And yet, there she was discussing her interest in anal sex with a guy at a bar in the presence of her fiancé. 

Ignore the warning signs here to your own peril. 

[DKT3]

4 hours ago, Jonny80 said:

Because I love her and have never met anyone like her for her good points..

My man, this is the grooming part. She is finding out now that she isn't risking losing you. I told you this earlier and its playing out just as I described. She is normalizing her behavior and you're accepting it.

There is a reason why guys have dumped her in the past. Which is also way she is rushing the marriage.  Problem is its the scorpion 🦂 and the frog 🐸 thing, its simply her nature.  Sadly, I betting she is on her best behavior...less flirting and more sex. After marriage,  once she feels you are locked in, more flirting and less sex. 

Someone earlier mentioned she was about to hit you with the bait and switch...I agree 100%

[DKT3]

Oh and you asked what she has to gain? A babysitter so she can hang with friends and flirt with mailman, meter men, repair  men and milk men...I bet she can find one. Then when her illness flares up someone who will take care of her.

[Uruktopi]

6 hours ago, Jonny80 said:

Reeling me in for what perpous tho?

she could have other guys if she chooses ? She could be single and sleep around?  I’m not sure what she would want from me unless it wasn’t true love?

 

I’m open to exploring all possibilities..

You are not considering all posibilities.

There is something called "cake eating". It consists in having or, at least, wanting the "best" of both worlds: bieng in a relationship and acting as if single.

It MAY become sleeping around...or not at all.

Or it MAY work sending to others sugestive signals to at least emulate a seductive game.

For some people the second variety is "harmless" as they are convinced that it deppends on the "inner" will and intentions of going further or refrain from it.

For some others the wider eros thing should belong to the mutual complicity of two. Not necessarily to be "hidden" to others but shown only as focused on your partner.

And if this don´t  happen, exclusivity is wounded.

So, for them, to talk ABOUT sex (in a third person perspective) with others is not a problem, when it is either a general thing or when when some "naughtyness" is cleary (and only) directed  directed  to your love. And no one else wold have doubts about that if listening to the conversation.

Else, they would think, Houston we have a problem and not a small one.

Please note that, in my mind, the meaning is not at all exhausted by the individual intentions (or by the concious ones), but are also related to what others get from the signals. That is the function of human communiication, after all.

I am afraid that you have a bias (so if cognitive or emotional) to look at this perspective added to the posiblitiies (all of them) you are open to explore.

If this is true (and I may be wrong) you have there a blind spot to consider.

  

 

[Uruktopi]

4 hours ago, Jonny80 said:

But if she’s not wanting to take it any further why do it? She risks losing the guy she apparently loves?

Because if she convinces you that the game she plays is "harmless" she can go on doing it without such risk.

[Uruktopi]

4 hours ago, Jonny80 said:

....she just seems to joke about sexual things all the time in the company of others.. she’s not like that with me in private, I don’t get it.

You don´t get it and the answer is in your own words.

[Jonny80]

4 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Well, you've done an excellent job painting a picture of her for us.

Is it for real though?

I mean some of the things you've described seem a little outlandish.

I have no reason to lie so no it’s all true.

[Jonny80]

54 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

My man, this is the grooming part. She is finding out now that she isn't risking losing you. I told you this earlier and its playing out just as I described. She is normalizing her behavior and you're accepting it.

There is a reason why guys have dumped her in the past. Which is also way she is rushing the marriage.  Problem is its the scorpion 🦂 and the frog 🐸 thing, its simply her nature.  Sadly, I betting she is on her best behavior...less flirting and more sex. After marriage,  once she feels you are locked in, more flirting and less sex. 

Someone earlier mentioned she was about to hit you with the bait and switch...I agree 100%

Switch to what?

[Jonny80]

35 minutes ago, Uruktopi said:

You don´t get it and the answer is in your own words.

Iv watched her closely in the past week, she’s a sociable person with everyone, like Iv said she seems flirtatious towards everyone even old ladies and men, she has the inner confidence to be charming towards everyone.    Iv heard and seen her talking and being what’s appears overly friendly to sorry to say but the most ugliest of people, I’m thinking it’s just how she is..  her dad told me she’s a social butterfly, the life and soul of any party..

she has a lot of friends both male and female, Iv seen her talk to the potential owners of the cats she’s breeding it’s all the same enthusiasm what ever  she’s talking about..

she could sell s*** to the local farmer..

Her dad told me when she was younger she was very reserved like myself, moving around the world and living in many places including like a shelter where everyone has to shower in front of each other with no privacy.

I believe before she met me she could of been sexual or in a relationship with several of these people before I came along, why do it now? I don’t understand..

also for a person that has experience in life and relationships, her self  confidence in the bedroom is actually very low, she’s body conscious,  she has admitted that things we have done sexually she’s never done before and that she’s done more with me than anyone..

I can’t believe she would sit and openly chat about sex to a guy with intent? She can’t be as stupid to think I would be happy about it and jeopardise our relationship 1?week after being engaged?

I can’t see what I’m missing here, I know talking about sex is wrong but she’s with me and wants to marry me and not him?

[Uruktopi]

36 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

Iv watched her closely in the past week, she’s a sociable person with everyone, like Iv said she seems flirtatious towards everyone even old ladies and men, she has the inner confidence to be charming towards everyone.    Iv heard and seen her talking and being what’s appears overly friendly to sorry to say but the most ugliest of people, I’m thinking it’s just how she is..  her dad told me she’s a social butterfly, the life and soul of any party..

she has a lot of friends both male and female, Iv seen her talk to the potential owners of the cats she’s breeding it’s all the same enthusiasm what ever  she’s talking about..

she could sell s*** to the local farmer..

Her dad told me when she was younger she was very reserved like myself, moving around the world and living in many places including like a shelter where everyone has to shower in front of each other with no privacy.

I believe before she met me she could of been sexual or in a relationship with several of these people before I came along, why do it now? I don’t understand..

also for a person that has experience in life and relationships, her self  confidence in the bedroom is actually very low, she’s body conscious,  she has admitted that things we have done sexually she’s never done before and that she’s done more with me than anyone..

I can’t believe she would sit and openly chat about sex to a guy with intent? She can’t be as stupid to think I would be happy about it and jeopardise our relationship 1?week after being engaged?

I can’t see what I’m missing here, I know talking about sex is wrong but she’s with me and wants to marry me and not him?

All of the above still is based on the assumption that the lack of intenttion to go further is enough to make it right.

And it IS enough if you agree to that view. I don´t.

About:  "can’t see what I’m missing here, I know talking about sex is wrong but she’s with me and wants to marry me and not him?"

Again, consider the meaning of "cake eating", of the variety of getting sexual attention for the thrill of the seduction game, even if "nothinig more" is reached.

She haves YOU as the one to whom be conservative in private (as you told us she is) WHILE she have OTHERS to be under the spots by being suggestive.

I would´t be in such place, for no one. But, of course, it´s your life and not mine.

 

Edited May 20, 2021 by Uruktopi

[DKT3]

56 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

Iv watched her closely in the past week, she’s a sociable person with everyone, like Iv said she seems flirtatious towards everyone even old ladies and men, she has the inner confidence to be charming towards everyone.    Iv heard and seen her talking and being what’s appears overly friendly to sorry to say but the most ugliest of people, I’m thinking it’s just how she is..  her dad told me she’s a social butterfly, the life and soul of any party..

she has a lot of friends both male and female, Iv seen her talk to the potential owners of the cats she’s breeding it’s all the same enthusiasm what ever  she’s talking about..

she could sell s*** to the local farmer..

Her dad told me when she was younger she was very reserved like myself, moving around the world and living in many places including like a shelter where everyone has to shower in front of each other with no privacy.

I believe before she met me she could of been sexual or in a relationship with several of these people before I came along, why do it now? I don’t understand..

also for a person that has experience in life and relationships, her self  confidence in the bedroom is actually very low, she’s body conscious,  she has admitted that things we have done sexually she’s never done before and that she’s done more with me than anyone..

I can’t believe she would sit and openly chat about sex to a guy with intent? She can’t be as stupid to think I would be happy about it and jeopardise our relationship 1?week after being engaged?

I can’t see what I’m missing here, I know talking about sex is wrong but she’s with me and wants to marry me and not him?

How do you know she wasn't?

Her behavior in its totality it poor. It shows a lack of boundaries,  a lack of respect and if she isn't serious a need for attention.  Unfortunately those are all bad qualities in a life partner. 

The reality of your situation is,  you are extremely naive to her behavior.  Love blind. If I'm being honest,  you level of attachment 7 or 8 months in is alarming. Hope im wrong, for your sake. Oddly,  its pretty unusual for most people here to agree. Its seems pretty close to unanimous.  Be careful 

[Jonny80]

15 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

How do you know she wasn't?

Her behavior in its totality it poor. It shows a lack of boundaries,  a lack of respect and if she isn't serious a need for attention.  Unfortunately those are all bad qualities in a life partner. 

The reality of your situation is,  you are extremely naive to her behavior.  Love blind. If I'm being honest,  you level of attachment 7 or 8 months in is alarming. Hope im wrong, for your sake. Oddly,  its pretty unusual for most people here to agree. Its seems pretty close to unanimous.  Be careful 

I have suggested about her needing to be centre of attention and she disagrees..

thing is if I even tried to talk to her about her behaviour it would spark another huge argument with her shouting etc..

her step mum is very strict and won’t put up with bad behaviour from anyone, she’s adamant that it was just harmless pub talk and that I have nothing to worry about, I think she would totally flip out at her step daughter if she messed around with other men.

but I am clearly concerned and suspicious of her behaviour to be needing to talk about it..  I kinda feel I need proof or hard evidence she’s messing around behind my back to end it..   I’m already upset and involved in this so can it get any worse?

[Jonny80]

29 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

How do you know she wasn't?

Her behavior in its totality it poor. It shows a lack of boundaries,  a lack of respect and if she isn't serious a need for attention.  Unfortunately those are all bad qualities in a life partner. 

The reality of your situation is,  you are extremely naive to her behavior.  Love blind. If I'm being honest,  you level of attachment 7 or 8 months in is alarming. Hope im wrong, for your sake. Oddly,  its pretty unusual for most people here to agree. Its seems pretty close to unanimous.  Be careful 

She has told me that before I met her that herself and 2 friends 1 male and 1 other female has sat in her kitchen and spoken about porn,  she hasn’t participated in sexual acts with neither of these people but she could of long before we met each other..  she’s an open person.  Her other friend is open and tells her that her partner uses viagra.  Arnt these just a circle of open friends talking?

she’s not approaching strangers and coming on to them or talking sexual to strangers,   I think she was being open and not suggestive..

like Iv said,  this parcel guy that she sees regularly when he delivers parcels etc..  there’s nothing stopping her asking him to come in side and bed her or for her to go to his and secretly bed him,   If they had a thing going behind my back why talk about it in front of me knowing it could ruin our relationship?

I spoke to the other guy in private, he swore on his kids life nothing has happened between them and that he never would..     with out knowing what messages are being exchanged this week between them I don’t know... if she wanted him wouldn’t she be with him? He is single after all?  I agree it’s odd she speaks like this but I haven’t witnessed with another man yet..

would it be wrong of me to approach one of her male friends and ask him if my GF talking about sex openly is normal for her?  

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Jonny80 said:

  I kinda feel I need proof or hard evidence she’s messing around behind my back to end it..   

I've not seen anything to suggest she is cheating.  

1 hour ago, Jonny80 said:

I spoke to the other guy in private, he swore on his kids life nothing has happened between them and that he never would..     with out knowing what messages are being exchanged this week between them I don’t know... if she wanted him wouldn’t she be with him? He is single after all?  I agree it’s odd she speaks like this but I haven’t witnessed with another man yet..

would it be wrong of me to approach one of her male friends and ask him if my GF talking about sex openly is normal for her?

If you keep this up, you're going to find yourself dumped whether she's innocent or not.    Not only does she already see you as controlling, but now you're now snooping around in her history with one friend and are considering doing the same with another.  One (or both) of them is going to tell her that you don't trust her and have been asking around about her sexual history.   And then you'll be history.  

[Taramere]

3 hours ago, Jonny80 said:

Her dad told me when she was younger she was very reserved like myself, moving around the world and living in many places including like a shelter where everyone has to shower in front of each other with no privacy.

 

It's interesting that her dad told you that anecdote.  It sounds like the sort of anecdote that would come out in counselling, if a person was trying to understand their own tendency to lack boundaries at times.  The experience of having been in a situation where you just weren't permitted to have personal boundaries and psychologically you had to manage it could foreseeably result in a person "faking it until they make it" - ie learning to present a sort of free and uninhibited facade to the world even though internally they were struggling with body confidence and embarrassment issues.

The bubbly, friendly personality sounds fun and generally very positive.  It's a personality type people tend to do well with in life.  However, if it was birthed in embarrassment and anxiety rather than being something that has always just flowed naturally from your girlfriend, then you might have quite an uphill climb ahead of you at times.  There can be a high personal cost to people constantly presenting a facade to the outside world that is out of kilter with how they feel inside....and family members might find themselves also paying the price at times due to their closeness to the person and their constant presence in their life.

Edited May 20, 2021 by Taramere

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Is it for real though?.

Agree.

One minute she's in a bar talking about anal with some guy. 💩😎.The next you're getting married, then she bought her own ring 💍,then she's on disability,💊 then she's a cat breeder.😸

Since your are getting married, you'll have to get over it .

 

[Acacia98]

3 hours ago, Jonny80 said:

I can’t believe she would sit and openly chat about sex to a guy with intent? She can’t be as stupid to think I would be happy about it and jeopardise our relationship 1?week after being engaged?

I can’t see what I’m missing here, I know talking about sex is wrong but she’s with me and wants to marry me and not him?

But you're not a mental health professional. Your understanding of her is limited by your own experiences and biases. So you're hardly in a position to objectively consider and assess the different reasons why she may be behaving the way she's behaving.

In addition, I'm not comfortable about the fact that you seem to be discussing her sexuality with her family and friends. Apart from the fact that there's no respect for her boundaries in those actions, what objective insights do you expect laypeople to have into the psychological motivations of their family member?

[Jonny80]

21 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

But you're not a mental health professional. Your understanding of her is limited by your own experiences and biases. So you're hardly in a position to objectively consider and assess the different reasons why she may be behaving the way she's behaving.

In addition, I'm not comfortable about the fact that you seem to be discussing her sexuality with her family and friends. Apart from the fact that there's no respect for her boundaries in those actions, what objective insights do you expect laypeople to have into the psychological motivations of their family member?

I haven’t spoke to her friends about her actions,   Iv always spoken with her parents about things,  they even phone me and ask how I am..  I mearly told them what had happened at the pub and said I was worried..

trust wasn’t an issue before last Friday it is at the moment tho, if I don’t trust her I can’t be with her in any capacity..

I do love her and I believe she loves me, I love her flirtatious personality and the positive person she is,  where it’s become complicated, I’m having to see the down side to her when she’s ill and stressed.  
 

she’s got a lot of stress in her life and I don’t have any, my life is simple in comparison..   

 

she’s ill and will only get worse,  her daughter has issues witnessing her ex husband beating my gf up 5 times over 5 year marriage,  her daughter has also recently been diagnosed with the same illness as has her 5 year old son, her daughter also has a liver disease which could kill her untreated and her daughter refuses to take her medication,  her daughter can be violent and verbally offensive towards her mum,

she gets no financial support from the government because she’s got savings over 100k...

took me along time to come to terms with the fact she was to ill to make love on a regular basis but I did and we were happy...

the whole pub talk thing has made me ask questions as like most of you I think it’s wrong but it’s not enough to end it..

I could find another women no problem I’m not exactly ugly, but they wouldn’t be her, I only have eyes for her..  and Iv grown to love her children and am very fond of her family too..

apart from this pub thing we work, we get on 99% of the time..

 

it’s the pub thing I need to be at ease with..

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Jonny80 said:

I haven’t spoke to her friends about her actions,   Iv always spoken with her parents about things,  they even phone me and ask how I am..  I mearly told them what had happened at the pub and said I was worried.

You're worried about her boundaries?  Where on earth are yours!   

It's completely inappropriate for them to call and ask how you are.  And it's inappropriate for you and them to be discussing your personal problems with their daughter.   This whole thing sounds like a parent-teacher interview, with each of you sharing information about her to jointly bring about her best personal development.  

How does she feel about you discussing the relationship issues with her parents?

[Jonny80]

40 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You're worried about her boundaries?  Where on earth are yours!   

It's completely inappropriate for them to call and ask how you are.  And it's inappropriate for you and them to be discussing your personal problems with their daughter.   This whole thing sounds like a parent-teacher interview, with each of you sharing information about her to jointly bring about her best personal development.  

How does she feel about you discussing the relationship issues with her parents?

It’s not like that at all.   And my Gf is happy I have such a good relationship with her parents,  they them selves told me I was the best thing that ever happened for there daughter and they haven’t seen her so happy,   She’s told them about issues we’ve had, Iv also needed to speak with them twice when my gf got rushed into hospital...      

they are very open people and we get on great..