I love him and he hates me..(his emails attached in post..)

[unintentional]

please read this with an open mind..i'll try not to make it too long.

 

I love him and he sent me an email lastnight telling me horrible things..and perhaps even calling me a "dirty bitch.." and so on..I dont know where it's coming from in him...

 

I was with a boy who quickly became part of my family. My mom really loved him...and he'd go on family trips with us ... We did everything together..he and I were ALWAYS together..we were the couple everyone wanted to be like..perfect. So fresh..we cherished eachother..It was great..we loved our relationship..it was strong and we were so in love with eachother...well, atleast it felt that way.

We were together for nine months. He broke up with me because he felt he was falling out of love with me...it was horrible...Im a person who believes that you have to fight for what you want in your life...so of course, I went with my gut instinct and fought for this boy that felt we couldn't be together..I still talked to him...you know, the hurt girl who obsesses over the boy she loves...that whole deal..well, I quickly stopped after seeing that it just was not going to work. After a month..he kept in touch with my mom, writing her emails..talking about what he's up to and how much he realized he misses me...We got back together on my birthday. It was wonderful. Everything I had ever asked for...

We stayed together for about 3 months..bonded more and learned even more about eachother...it was just like before...until once again..he backed out.

 

Things started to get a little bumpy...he was working and was always tired..and I wanted my boyfriend back...the passionate boy I met before..I felt ignored and unwanted because of how stressed he was ...(but at the time I had no idea how stressed he was..and I was being selfish.) ...We got into an arguement and I started cryinig (my mistake.) and he froze and broke down. He immediately started crying and told me he hates that he feels he cant make me happy and he wants to be with me so badly..He said that he believes we're meant for eachother but just not right now...because he's not making me happy..

ONCE AGAIN...I fought and told him not to give up so easily..(...he loves how I wont give up on him...in the end it usually works out..) We broke it off...and about another month later...we saw eachother after not talking and then communicating through emails...

I saw him at a bus stop and decided to say hello..he was so happy to see me! He couldn't stop hugging me...it was like he never wanted to let go..and it was the best feeling in the world...All I could think was "thankyou god!..it's all i've ever wanted!!"

...After that we hung out for two days...and he felt that we got together WAY too early and he said he didn't want to screw our chances up again so...it was best we just stayed friends for now...

ONCE AGAIN...ME=HURT BADLY!!!

...We stopped talking..I think the two days ruined everything..it's been about 2 weeks. I sent him an email telling him I love him and I'll always love him and I hope we can some day be ready for eachother..he didn't reply until 2 or 3 days later and sent a poem he wrote talking about how we were so perfect and he cant believe we died..it was deeper..just dont think you'd be much interested..if you are..i'll copy and paste..

I replied with a poem I wrote..

no reply until 3 or 4 days later..lastnight..i'll never forget it..

He had been on MSN IM all the 4 days leading up to this but I stayed as invisible mode so I didn't seem too needy...

I got an email from him..and the message read this:

 

i dont want u any ****ing more, she spoke to me, on this dwell of an evening,

 

ur ****ing usless to me, a memory of what has been past, i still found myself carring on her last kiss, but was it no more then a fragment, a fraction of bliss

 

i told her, id never come around agian, and i will leave forever, and for her to ****ing hate me forever, and never speak of me again, because as she said, i want nothing to do with her, because she ruined all that we had, or was it i who ruined all that we had, eathier way she has a new lover on her mind, she just hasent excepted it yet, and now i will leave forever, and never speak of this love again,

 

die in the hues, this is were the veins reside to the heart, your dirty bitch she spoke to me, you've really got a nack for ruining things, i said to her, you've always seem to find urself a new way out, im glade u find someone who cares, because ive got nothing left to prove, and now i feel no more regrets....

 

silince keeps us all in the brink, who broke the shore, when the fallen have sinked...

 

good-bye

 

no love, from a fallen .....atrists

 

___

and i dont know what it means...i dont know how to take it. I immediatly got upset and replied to the message asking what it meant and that he is scaring me because i dont know what he's talking about, there is no one else..

and he replied with this:

 

"because these are my last words, and this is my last breathe

i give u everything, if there was something left

ive got nothing left to prove, and i will live with my regrets

id give u everything, but ive got nothing left"

___

they're song lyrics..but i was afraid he'd hurt himself so I replied telling him to please not hurt himself and that so many people love him and that i love him...and the next reply:

 

" im leaving my heart, without a touch of the dying emptyness inside,

 

good-night to lonley, good-night to hope "

 

___

incase you haven't figured it out...he and I are REALLY into poetry...kind of really deep into romance I guess you could say. I didn't reply after that message...I left.

My mom had written him a message later that night telling him that he should never hate me because there is no one else I am seeing...and she said she was sorry she gave him that impression ..(because she sent him a message talking of another boy i know who likes me)...but she also said that he has no right to say the things he said because i've done nothing but love him..because i haven't done anything.

 

Im sorry, this was all longer than I anticipated..

But if any of you have any advice what so ever..it would really really help me so much...Im stuck in a rut. I truly love this boy..and I care about him. I do not want him to hate me..if we are to never see eachother again I do not want him to hate me and think of me as some disrespectful whore...that's the one thing I didn't want to come out of our relationship...I dont know where it came from in him...Im afraid to see his next reply to me or my mom...if there will be one...help!

[unintentional]

no one has any advice and/or words at all?

 

 

 

Really am alone on this one...it'd help because right now I feel like going over to his house..

[allaboutchoices]

I don't know what to tell you, girl. Looks like he was struck by anger and depression. I am not sure why anyone would want to send that to anyone, it looks like he wanted to hurt you.

I really do not have a clue of what to tell you. Do you really want to be with a drama king?

[downcydeguy]

I'm assuming that you are both very young and dealing with the "first love" issue. I'll get right to the point with this guy - leave him. He's got some anger issues that will only cause you pain for as long as you're involved with him.

[unintentional]

thankyou so much for your words..

 

i dont really want to be with someone who is all about drama drama drama! ...it gets really exhausting..im just hoping he'll eventually break loose from that and let it go...maybe with a little more experience..

 

we're just going to try and keep in touch and hopefully get another chance together...

 

we are pretty young still yes...just 17...so i guess i've got a lot more learning and experiences...i've already had my first love so i feel a little bit more..real i guess you could say...

but with him..i think i might be his first love..he says that im not...but he doesn't seem to think you have to put effort into a relationship in order for it to work..it hurts waiting around and losing it all...but i guess i have to go through it...

 

thankyou to the both of you..

[NiCoLe20]

if you love him set him FREE, if he comes back, its meant to be...

 

you AND your mom need to leave him alone for a little bit... let him figure out if he wants you and then see what happens.

[Skeered]

Ok here's my thoughts..besides the fact that he's a drama king I think he has deeper issues, like depression or something. The words he wrote are thoughts going through his head and they are so distorted and out of focus, hence how he's thinking. I don't think he thinks you were with someone else but I think he thinks that you don't really love him. He sounds like he is just waiting for rejection or that he just waits for the bad like nothing good could happen to him.

 

At your age, you don't need this you need fun and casual relationships. This guy can remain your friend and maybe you can show him that you can remain friends with him..but I would say to stay far away from a relationship because you will continue to get hurt. IMO

[SmoochieFace]

..im just hoping he'll eventually break loose from that and let it go...maybe with a little more experience..

 

 

You will, in time, find that this is not a good thing to do. People rarely change and if they do it doesn't last for long. By having this attitude, you're basically telling people that you are putting your life on hold.

 

Why sit around and wait for him when you could make a clean break and find someone who isn't a 'drama king?'

[unintentional]

Aww...you all are so unbelievably sweet for sharing your thoughts with me..thankyou..

 

I made the mistake of going and seeing him about the emails..

 

he said they weren't meant to hurt me and that they have a deeper meaning..he told me to go re read them so I can find out what they really mean..but I didn't even want to look at those words again..so I deleted them all. I dont need that.

 

I RECENTLY found one of his friends on the internet..on myspace..and she has pictures of all her guy friends scrolling to the side and he is in one of the pictures and I was deeply hurt..I told him and he said that she is just a friend, he didn't even know the pictures were there, and he doesn't like her anymore than that. I guess it shouldn't really matter anyways...according to him we cant be together right now..

 

he says he loves me...and wants to be with me..we just CANT...and he wont let us be..and I asked him if he wants me in his life and he said "i dont know"...

 

please tell me i deserve better than this...

 

going over there didn't really make any of my worries go away like i thought they would..anyway...I LET HIM KNOW that I do love him, there is no one else...and he is the only one I love...

 

I dont know why I want to be with him so badly if he isn't willing to try and be with me...

All our wonderful happy memories hold me back from moving on and being happy without him..please help!! How do I deal with this!!??

[In Sync]

unintentional

I read as much as I could but stopped because what I'm about to concerns you and recovering from this unhealthy relationship. The mere fact that he wasn't a gentleman (and I don't care about whatever age you are, being a gentleman means having tact and respect towards you in the way he handled breaking up with you.)

Let's get down to business.

 

You suffering is because you are still attached to him...mentally and emotionally. I have said this before on another thread, But ATTACHMENT to anyone or anything will cause you suffering. Try to read this without resistance. Your attachment to him has given him priority in your life. He has become the center of your world. Do you see where I am going? Now he, who I not knd considerate, moody, he who has no regard for you, has decided to leave. He doesn't want to be with you. Now your world is gone.

 

You are creating your suffering. I am not blaming you. I hope for you to see a bigger picture that will release you from one more day of heartache that you needn't be suffering.

 

In order to heal you will need to rethink who you are and how you related to him. You most likely think of him as your boyfriend. Well, as I have learned, the idea of him as a possession is why you are struggling. Because you are thinking of him as yours. HE IS NOT YOURS. HE IS NOT YOUR IDENTITY. By thinking of him as yours and your loss you lose your own identity. AND NOW YOU ARE SUFFERING.

 

Reclaim your identity. How? We will discuss when you have digested this.

[unintentional]

The mere fact that he wasn't a gentleman (and I don't care about whatever age you are, being a gentleman means having tact and respect towards you in the way he handled breaking up with you.)

You suffering is because you are still attached to him...mentally and emotionally.

You're completely right. Sadly, I did make him the center of my world...I was always told that I got too clingy and attached to him and that is my biggest problem in relationships..it's horrible. I just cant seem to prevent myself from doing so...I did seek therapy before...and I was told that my issues go deeper than just that...As a child I always felt neglected by my father and that I wasn't good enough..so ANY guy that takes interest in me is amazing and I hold onto it. My father died 3 years ago..so that's an unsettled conflict I have within myself..

 

I want to learn how to not be this way..and I wanted to seek out therapy again because I never finished all my sessions...because I felt I was okay for the world..however, my mother who helps me with these things has said that she doesn't want me to see anyone because they dont help anyways.."the just sit there."

 

I am still VERY attached to him. He was my everything..(my mistake) and now he's shutting me out so sudden...with no hesitation..he doesn't even know for sure if he still wants me in his life or if he wants to contact me..so I'm torn apart..Im glad for atleast one thing..he left knowing that I love him and will always be there for him and care about him. I hate bad last impressions...

 

I'm trying to help myself but I dont know where to start...everyone says "look inside yourself.." ..what does that mean...what am i looking for!?

[In Sync]

By recognizing who you are that's a very big step in your area. Most people who have issues with their relationships have had problems stemming from their past. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Especially if a parent dies or has abandoned the family. It's scarring to you and sometimes the being unaware of such history allows one to repeat past events and brings them to the present.

 

I can only offer you advise base on my day to day experience in dealing with recovery from my broken heart.

everyone says "look inside yourself.." ..what does that mean...what am i looking for!?

 

I would translate that to work on developing your own self awareness. When we fall in love we tend to lose ourselves to the other person. We give so much to them and keep giving but we forget to think what do I need. Is this giving so much good for me. ANd I giving to the right person who is right for me. And am I giving because I want something in return. Who is the true youand what are your reasons for doing the things you do. Why do you continue to love someone that brings you unhappiness. Could the answer be...Because you don't like the feeling of loneliness.

The more you take the time to really think about you and the things you enjoy and would like the more you may find that your attachment is a fear of being alone. And feeling unloved. SO you may cling to someone because you want so desparately to be loved back.

I ask that for each day you spend ten minutes and really think about (also write it out in a journel) about you. AND ONLY YOU. Think about the things you enjoy that give you pleasure. And this means honesty. If your boyfriend is being unkind and writing mean things I can't imagine he would go on that list of things that give you pleasure. The more you learn to love youreslf and seek respect for yourself you will come to see that this young guy may not be the right person to focus on...your precious energy is being squandered in directions that are not helpful in helping you become stronger and confident.

 

Whew! That was alot of writing..good luck!

[unintentional]

I will do THAT. I'll write down a little bit about myself and what makes me happy every day..or atleast when I can remember and can actually sit down and think of it all..

 

No, (your right)- My EX-boyfriend isn't on that list..especially since I will be trying to write down what makes me happy in the CURRENT time...my memories of him, in NO way bring me happiness or joy. It only brings me down. ..along with what he's done..he gave up on me and everything we had. We had a lot..his loss.

 

Thankyou for helping me.

 

I'll try to "look within myself" and find out what it is that brings me down..enlightens me...and hopefully LEARN A LOT MORE ABOUT MYSELF. because i really do need to do this...

 

your sweet. im here as well if you ever need someone to talk to. thankyou In Sync..

[In Sync]

Once again thank you for you kind words and I assure you I will one day feel blue about the person who broke my heart and I will seek your e-mail ear for advise on how to cope.

One more thing before I go, which I wanted to write earlier but must have forgotten.

There is no law saying that you must stay as you were yesterday. It's brilliant that you know that you can be clingy. Why is that brilliant because you are aware of a unresourceful habit. Now you are in control to change that behavior within you. You can change the way you are at anytime. If you wake up tomorrow and say I'm not going to suffer anymore over this boy, guess what because you made that choice you probably won't suffer. I am not saying for you to hide your pain or ignore. ABSOLUTELY NOT. But if and when you decide not to let the pain overtake you and control you...IT'S IN YOUR CHOICE. Sometimes we choose to hurt over something because it's easier than looking within ourselves.

Life is constantly changing around us. That's what we do as people we change. You are not the same as you were yesterday and each day after you will get better...the idea here is for us to become smarter and learn something about ourselves after we become hurt.

 

goodnight!

[KAris112297]

if you love him set him FREE, if he comes back, its meant to be...

 

Does that ever really work?

 

Or is that just something people say to keep their head up?

 

-KAris

[unintentional]

Oh of course..I'll always be here to help you the best I can through anything you go through...we all get torn down at times...but eventually we rise again.

 

Thankyou so much you helped me through so much already..Im not contacting him in any way...I deleted my MSN IM account but kept my email account..but I am not checking the emails. Maybe I'll do it when I am more stable to handle it..Im still very hurt and jumpy. So I dont want to be brought down right now when I can atleast smile for a little while. I dont want to be completely in the pits again..even though I have my worst moments still.

 

Im already learning so much about myself. I just hate that he..that boy, had to be one of my lessons..but maybe he'll be more in the future..but I really dont know, nothing is promising..so I'm trying my best to move on and/or be okay with being by myself again. There's another guy interested in me but I told him I am finished with relationships right now and that I cannot have anything with him even if I wanted because I am still in love with my ex and I am still in the long process of healing.

 

 

Oh, and I do believe in the saying "if you love him let him go, if he loves you, he'll come back.." but then some things coincidently happen that bring that saying to appear as a false hope...but it doesn't hurt to have hope.

[KAris112297]

 

Oh, and I do believe in the saying "if you love him let him go, if he loves you, he'll come back.." but then some things coincidently happen that bring that saying to appear as a false hope...but it doesn't hurt to have hope.

 

That's all I have.

 

-KAris

[unintentional]

I just wanted to say thank you anyways...

 

and I love your signature qoute...it would be wonderful to actually hear the one's we love say those things to us. ..

[girlheart]

I know how you feel and I am so sorry you have to go through all this confusion and pain. But let him be for a while. He has an artist's soul and you have to cherish that! So step backwards and let him express his emotions. In the meantime look after yourself and find ways to make yourself happy. You and your mom are obviously very close, so nurture that relationship and search for yourself. I do it too, don't worry! I take on the interests, personality traits and quirks of the one I love via some wack form of osmosis or something and when they walk out on me I am left feeling like half of me is missing!

[unintentional]

I know how you feel and I am so sorry you have to go through all this confusion and pain. But let him be for a while. He has an artist's soul and you have to cherish that!You and your mom are obviously very close, so nurture that relationship and search for yourself. I am left feeling like half of me is missing!

 

thankyou girlheart...

 

i think it's a gonner though. i loved him to death but he's so unsure of me and what he feels for me. ..so for right now, it's just not worth it to pursue anything...he has to come to me this time. i love him..but i cant keep doing this to myself. it makes me feel like crap..and worthless...and i dont like it anymore..

 

he does have an artists soul...he's so amazing...i hate that i lost that. but i did...not willingly either...he forced me to stay away..he pushed me away..there's nothing i can do. he knows i love him. i'll just leave him with that knowledge..he knows all i felt for him..

 

and im left hanging by a thread..

 

 

..i love him so much. i just wish he would have loved me enough to stay and try..

 

thankyou ...love.