Found out again

[Rose17]

Hi, so a long story short I have been having an emotional affair for 18 months with someone I work with. After nearly a year his wife found out and he quickly stopped talking to me, ignored me at work and deleted all his social accounts. After 2 weeks he messaged again and we picked it back up. We have never talked about our wife/husband really to each other and it’s only a bit of fun- never going to leave for each other. No saying what we mean to each other etc. Then 2 weeks ago his wife found another message from me and he said we have to leave it. We see each other everyday. Its over this time but I miss his friendship. Same old story I know! Surely he has feeling for me after all this time, will he come back to me and can we be friends?
Do mm pick back up after getting caught twice please tell me your experiences. 

[Stupidkupid]

1 minute ago, Marie7 said:

Hi, so a long story short I have been having an emotional affair for 18 months with someone I work with. After nearly a year his wife found out and he quickly stopped talking to me, ignored me at work and deleted all his social accounts. After 2 weeks he messaged again and we picked it back up. We have never talked about our wife/husband really to each other and it’s only a bit of fun- never going to leave for each other. No saying what we mean to each other etc. Then 2 weeks ago his wife found another message from me and he said we have to leave it. We see each other everyday. Its over this time but I miss his friendship. Same old story I know! Surely he has feeling for me after all this time, will he come back to me and can we be friends?
Do mm pick back up after getting caught twice please tell me your experiences. 

Yep. All the time.

But you don't really talk about why you are doing this?

What about your husband? What about his wife?

Why are you doing this?

[Rose17]

It started as friends and messaging then we got closer. We’ve only done a little bit of kissing etc. It started as fun and it grew into friendship then feelings developed over time. I’m not sure if he has feeling for me? 
My marriage is ok but husband hardly notices me. 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Marie7 said:

Hi, so a long story short I have been having an emotional affair for 18 months with someone I work with. After nearly a year his wife found out and he quickly stopped talking to me, ignored me at work and deleted all his social accounts. We see each other everyday.

Stay friendly and professional at work. He needs to address his marriage and wishes to do whatever it takes to save that.

If he needs someone to talk to about "our wife/husband", therapy is a much better approach than the typical "my spouse doesn't understand me" lines and using office time to dump marital problems on coworkers.

[Stupidkupid]

11 minutes ago, Marie7 said:

It started as friends and messaging then we got closer. We’ve only done a little bit of kissing etc. It started as fun and it grew into friendship then feelings developed over time. I’m not sure if he has feeling for me? 
My marriage is ok but husband hardly notices me. 

I think you should address this with your husband rather than do this to him and MM continue to hurt his wife.

Or leave your husband and find a single guy who can give you the attention you crave.

I think, and this is controversial, that if you both love your spouses but are not getting what you need, and you can't address that, then sometimes an affair can help both marriages. But that tends to be physical and nothing else.

Clearly you've developed an emotional attachment and that won't end well.

Just move on. Sort your marriage out or leave it and save everyone the future anxiety and trust issues.

[Rose17]

My husband doesn’t know any of this and his wife has kept it to herself both times - apart from a few awful messages to me.
I’m going to leave him alone for a while and see if he messages me. I don’t think he’ll come back this time. Do you think he would risk it again?  
At the minute we aren’t speaking at work but that happened last time for a few weeks. 

 

Edited May 15, 2021 by Marie7

[Stupidkupid]

3 minutes ago, Marie7 said:

My husband doesn’t know any of this and his wife has kept it to herself both times - apart from a few awful messages to me.
I’m going to leave him alone for a while and see if he messages me. I don’t think he’ll come back this time. 
At the minute we aren’t speaking at work but that happened last time for a few weeks. 

 

Why are you being so passive and hanging on on for contact from a man who is not, and will not, be with you?

Why not just try to sort your marriage out?

Do you think his wife was warranted in her messages to you?

Also, just because she hasn't told your husband does not mean that she won't tell him. And then what?

I think you probably need to ask yourself some serious questions here.

Why would you prefer to risk both marriages for this? Why is that preferable to fixing your marriage? Why are you giving MM so much power over your actions? 

[Mrin]

There is a thread here by a dude who caught his wife in pretty much the exact same affair that you are in. Emotional with "only kissing". It shattered him. And he divorced her. Even though it was "only kissing".

You might want to think about that - because obviously you're not. Your only concern is whether your mm will come back to you rather than whether his wife is going to tell your husband or maybe your employer and will start your entire life unraveling.

Look I get it you're deep in the fog. But my suggestion is take some time to get out of the fog so that you are thinking about this in a level-headed way.

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, Marie7 said:

I’m going to leave him alone for a while and see if he messages me. Do you think he would risk it again?  

She may be threatening divorce, so an office fling is not worth it...to him at least.

[Rose17]

I am taking some time out. He said to leave it and I’ve not messaged or spoke with him since. 
The last 18 months have been about our friendship and attraction to each other so of course I’m in the thick of it. 
I have to see him everyday so it’s very hard but I’m trying. 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Marie7 said:

We have never talked about our wife/husband really to each other and it’s only a bit of fun- never going to leave for each other.

Fun for who, exactly? 

1 hour ago, Marie7 said:

I have to see him everyday so it’s very hard but I’m trying. 

I would respectfully suggest that it’s time for one of the two of you to start looking for another job. If I was his wife, that is what I would be requiring right now - at a minimum. If you are unable to maintain an appropriate boundary with a coworker, you should not be working together. Full stop. 

1 hour ago, Marie7 said:

I’m going to leave him alone for a while and see if he messages me.

How about you do the right thing and stop these shenanigans. Discovery, his wife sending you awful messages, the threat of his wife telling your husband, the threat of divorce, the threat of possibly losing your job or having to leave your job - none of that causes you to reconsider that you may be in the wrong here and you need to reconsider your actions?

You obviously don’t think very highly of your husband if you are so unconcerned about him discovering your office “friendship.” You care more about your affair partner than you care about your husband - or you wouldn’t put your husband and your marriage at risk this way. Your primary concern here is that your married man may not be able to continue the “fun...” My friend, I think you have some serious thinking to do here and a course correction is LONG overdue... Good luck. 

Edited May 15, 2021 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

He may indeed have feelings for you, but that doesn't mean he'll be willing to pick back up. No doubt he wants to at some level, but it may not be worth the risk to him.

His wife will probably double-down on "monitoring". She might do something else, like divorce him.

As folks above are pointing out, there is a chance she will contact your husband and/or boss about this, so that is something to strongly consider here as well. There have been many stories posted here involving "people's lives blowing up" over an affair, so that is an eventuality you may wish to be prepared for just in case it happens.

[deepthinking]

But he and his wife spend entire weekends together and breakfasts and evenings.  MMs leave when they want, not when the AP says; that I know first-hand. 

Edited May 15, 2021 by deepthinking

[Rose17]

I thought this part of the forum was to advise and support but oh well I’ll take it somewhere else. 
 

I was asking and trying to sort my feeling that’s why I posted hoping someone could explain their experiences. I know this is wrong but when you’re in the middle of it it’s hard. 
 

 

[Stupidkupid]

5 minutes ago, Marie7 said:

I thought this part of the forum was to advise and support but oh well I’ll take it somewhere else. 
 

I was asking and trying to sort my feeling that’s why I posted hoping someone could explain their experiences. I know this is wrong but when you’re in the middle of it it’s hard. 
 

 

You are getting advice and support. Just not in the way you wanted.

People are telling you the truth. You're doing a horrible thinf to your husband and to this MMs wife. The people talking to you here have largely been in similar situations. Suffered for them.

I've been an OW, for example.

[BaileyB]

47 minutes ago, Marie7 said:

I thought this part of the forum was to advise and support but oh well I’ll take it somewhere else. 

We are doing just that. Just because the advice offered doesn’t support the narrative you want to hear doesn’t mean that we are not offering good advice. The truth is hard to hear sometimes. 

I think the challenge here is that you have now been caught twice, and you don’t appear to have learned the lesson yet. You appear to be motivated to continue down this rather self destructive path - that is the answer you should be seeking, in my very humble opinion. Not - will he contact me again such that we can continue our fun...

Edited May 15, 2021 by BaileyB

[MsJayne]

How would you feel if your AP's wife went a step further than sending you awful messages, say she turned up at your house or workplace to expose and humiliate you? What if she's a psycho who might come around and get violent? Your AP is trying to stop the affair and you're not listening, so no, I don't think he'll be back again. He's probably living with the consequences of his disloyalty and it serves him right, I bet he can't fart without being interrogated. You say you miss his friendship, but needing the "friendship" of someone else's husband, and having no regard for how this affects his life, shows that you actually couldn't care less about him. Perhaps try having an emotional affair with your own husband, he's probably as lonely and miserable as you are. 

[Luna66star]

How many more times is his wife going to see one of your messages?  He has to stop talking, rinse and repeat - again, again.

Why are you staying on this merry go round!  

I think you like him more than a friend, which brings me to the important point. He is a cheater even if only kissing. He will betray your "friend ship" time and time again.  Then pop back up like a yo yo after things have settled back down at home.

Please kick this one to the curb.  He is not at all stable even for friendship. You will be repeatedly disappointed and we will be replying to your postings on here. This will go on until you stop it. 

Life is too short.

 

 

[Rose17]

Thank you everyone I’m going to remove myself as I honestly thought this forum was kinder and not just about giving people a bashing. 
I know I’m doing wrong but I was looking for more supportive advice of how to help not just having a go. I thought this part of the forum might be more understanding as people have been in my situation and understand the point I’m at - the fog I’m in. It’s not that I don’t want to hear the advice you are giving it’s the way you are all doing it. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Marie7 said:

 I’m at - the fog I’m in. It’s not that I don’t want to hear the advice 

The best approach is therapy.  For your failing marriage, unhappiness and in general.

This way you can speak frankly and confidentially about your distress and unhappy marriage.

It can also help you reason about how to proceed at work in a professional manner.

In the meantime talk to trusted friends and family. Tell your husband how unhappy you are.

Suggest marriage therapy for both of you, but more importantly professional paid therapy for yourself.

Therapy won't offer you "advice", but it can help with insight and replacing self-defeating habits with better coping skills.

Edited May 16, 2021 by Wiseman2

[denwickdroylsden]

OP, to me it feels like you're playing with dynamite.  This could get really bad really quick if you don't back off.  Good luck.

[Snakesalive]

11 hours ago, Marie7 said:

Thank you everyone I’m going to remove myself as I honestly thought this forum was kinder and not just about giving people a bashing. 
I know I’m doing wrong but I was looking for more supportive advice of how to help not just having a go. I thought this part of the forum might be more understanding as people have been in my situation and understand the point I’m at - the fog I’m in. It’s not that I don’t want to hear the advice you are giving it’s the way you are all doing it. 

In answer to one of your questions do MM come back if they get caught twice?  -some do some don’t -mine did . Read my story and you’ll see it made no difference to the outcome which was very messy . Do I regret it -that office banter that started out as a bit of fun and led to the most intense hurt for everyone involved ? With every breath in my body . 

Sorry if you feel this forum isn’t the right place for you -you’re absolutely right many posters have been in your situation and there is a lot of empathy but there’s also some tough love and honesty and believe me sugar coating an affair won’t make the lies, hurt and deceit any sweeter