Hold on or let go?

[Sikwan03]

My husband is a good man and I think he's not that bad as a husband. But recently I keep feeling that I deserve better.
We've been married for 15 years, without children. I left my country to start a life with him and most of the time it's been good. We have good conversation, we have plenty of cuddles and I love you's we go for walks, picnics etc and it often works.
But when the disappointment hits me it does really hard. It actually makes my heart ache. My issues?
1.He's been jobless for over a decade and doesnt seem to bother him. I have financial responsibilities to my family back home which he knows from the very beginning and yet he doesn't  feel too bad about adding to my burden.
2. He is so lazy, I work fulltime- and do all the cooking and cleaning. I dont clean too often now coz it's annoying me that I had to do it but if I dont do it, it  simpy not getting done. He does bed and washing then nothing all day but music and internet.
3. We dont have enough sex- it's been over a year since the last one and in the last few previous years, it's been just about a couple of times a year. I am only 36🤣
4. He lacks ambition, he is terrible at decisions. It's  as if he is just happy to sail by in life. Which is sometimes ok but I have soooo much worries and responsibilities and I want more in life, not that much of luxuries but just be able to do a lil bit more than surviving.

I have spoken to him about my issues before, a few times.I even wrote it to him. But things dont really improve permanently seems like he would make efforts until last "tantrums" passed then back to normal and I just got tired of approaching the subject. Specially about sex. I can only approach it a few times without feeling like I'm begging for it. I just moved on. My disappointment also comes less often, but more painful.
Why I dont just leave him?
1. I have a very good friend in him. And I dont want to lose that by hurting him.
2. He is a good human and I feel like life will not necessarily be that much better without him. But how would I know? I've been with him since i was 19🤣
3. He isn't nasty to me. And I love his parents- they love me too. And my family loves him too.
4. I am financially better off staying with him than being alone coz I dont pay rent as we stay with his parents.🤣
What I truly want? I want a life partner someone I can lean on when it becomes too heavy for me to carry.
That person who will make me feel desirable and wanted. Someone who wants more coz he wants to give me more. He doesn't necessarily need to have it.🤣

Any thought you can share? Or advice? Or violent reaction?

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, Sikwan03 said:

1. I have a very good friend in him. And I dont want to lose that by hurting him.
4. I am financially better off staying with him than being alone coz I dont pay rent as we stay with his parents.🤣

How did you meet? Why did you leave your country for him?

Since you don't want to leave and he doesn't want to work, you'll have to reflect how the future looks for you. 

Is it normal in his culture to  parasitize the parents and the wife?  You seem more like a mother than a partner. 

Was the sex ever there? Is he having affairs, on the internet all day while you work?

You could consult an attorney to see your options in divorce, but do not tell him or threaten divorce, just get some better advice.

Unless he and his parents have it set up so that you are just a live-in slave with no money, right, etc.

Edited May 15, 2021 by Wiseman2

[BaileyB]

Holding a job and contributing to the household are two absolute requirements for a life partner - for me. 

Conversation and picnics wouldn’t even begin to make up for the fact that he refuses to work, expects me to cook and clean his home, and he can’t even muster the effort to have sex. He lives off the generosity of his parents and his wife. He’s not a husband or a partner, he is at best a roommate and at worst a dependent. 

I can see why you are unhappy. I would be despondent. 

Edited May 15, 2021 by BaileyB

[Sikwan03]

We met online. I left my country to be with him. I'm Asian and he is British. No I don't believe it normal hahaha he is the only jobless person I know🤣

Yeah the sex was there and it was good. Nothing much changed with my body either just normal ageing but I still get sent free drinks when I go on night outs😉😉

[BaileyB]

9 minutes ago, Sikwan03 said:

We met online. I left my country to be with him. I'm Asian and he is British. 

I wouldn’t have guessed this - living with his parents isn’t typically a Western thing to do. Not many Western parents want to financially support their married children and their spouses. Their are many other cultures where this would be a more typical living arrangement - interesting. 

Edited May 15, 2021 by BaileyB

[Sikwan03]

6 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I wouldn’t have guessed this - living with his parents isn’t typically a Western thing to do. Not many Western parents want to financially support their married children and their spouses. Their are many other cultures where this would be more the norm - interesting. 

Many people ask me why I'm still with him. I guess I didn't constantly find it a big problem. I do get sad and hurt sometimes. And I guess I got busy with work and I went back to education to get a degree.

He doesn't really cost that much to his parents we're just cohabiting with them but they don't really support my husband. And in all fairness to him he doesn't cost that much. He drinks occasionally, he doesn't smoke or has any vices. So basically, I just feed him🤣🤣🤣🤣 and sometimes buy him clothes🤣🤣🤣 he is very minimalist 👍

I think his parents are glad to have me as their DIL coz I kept their son🤣🤣🤣

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Sikwan03 said:

I just feed him🤣🤣🤣🤣 and sometimes 🤣🤣🤣  👍I think his parents are glad to have me as their DIL 🤣🤣🤣

Unfortunately it's difficult to understand the problem because you seem to think it's hilarious.

[BaileyB]

9 minutes ago, Sikwan03 said:

He doesn't really cost that much to his parents we're just cohabiting with them but they don't really support my husband.

Are they putting a roof over his head and keeping him warm at night? Perhaps, they have lived in their home for years and their mortgage is paid off? Or do you contribute for the mortgage, taxes, utilities - he certainly doesn’t. If you did not have the benefit of living with them, you would be paying rent/mortgage as well as taxes, utilities, etc... in addition to the food, clothing, and entertainment expenses you pay now. Unless you are contributing to their living expenses, you are both living off the generosity of his parents. It’s unlikely that you would have the same standard of living without their generosity. I’m assuming you are living in the UK - by the time you finished paying your own expenses you certainly wouldn’t have anything left to send home. 

9 minutes ago, Sikwan03 said:

I think his parents are glad to have me as their DIL coz I kept their son🤣🤣🤣

No doubt, because there are not many other women who would put up with this kind of behavior from their partner. 

You sound like a lovely woman, obviously intelligent and motivated to do something with your life. Either you accept the situation for what it is because it obviously benefits you in some ways - or you need to make a decision for yourself. 

Edited May 15, 2021 by BaileyB

[ShyViolet]

The laziness, the irresponsibility, the lack of ambition, the fact that he's doing nothing with his life.... those are all extremely unattractive qualities.  Just because he's "nice" does not make up for it.  You are still young, you can definitely do better and I think it would be such a waste of your life to settle for this.

[Sikwan03]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately it's difficult to understand the problem because you seem to think it's hilarious.

I just put some laugh emoticons to insert some humor to my story that doesn't mean I think its all a joke. I do appreciate your input and I actually re-read it again...

I am seeking opinion coz sometimes you dont see the real situation being in it. 

[BaileyB]

23 minutes ago, Sikwan03 said:

I think his parents are glad to have me as their DIL coz I kept their son🤣🤣🤣

Perhaps they allow you to stay in their home because they know that their son doesn’t have it within him to support himself. We obviously don’t know them, but is it possible that they are not actually pleased with this situation? Perhaps they are resigned, they have accepted the fact the fact that their son continues to live in their home as a dependent to both his parents and his wife. It can’t be a proud moment for them - they have raised a man who has no motivation or ability to support himself. That’s not exactly “success” for a parent - unless you are from a culture than values multigenerational homes. But even then, the children contribute to the finances of the home and in many cases, care and support their parents (sometimes in return for child care). 

[Sikwan03]

15 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Are they putting a roof over his head and keeping him warm at night? Perhaps, they have lived in their home for years and their mortgage is paid off? Or do you contribute for the mortgage, taxes, utilities - he certainly doesn’t. If you did not have the benefit of living with them, you would be paying rent/mortgage as well as taxes, utilities, etc... in addition to the food, clothing, and entertainment expenses you pay now. Unless you are contributing to their living expenses, you are both living off the generosity of his parents. It’s unlikely that you would have the same standard of living without their generosity. I’m assuming you are living in the UK - by the time you finished paying your own expenses you certainly wouldn’t have anything left to send home. 

No doubt, because there are not many other women who would put up with this kind of behavior from their partner. 

You sound like a lovely woman, obviously intelligent and motivated to do something with your life. Either you accept the situation for what it is because it obviously benefits you in some ways - or you need to make a decision for yourself. 

I didn't mean that we don't benefit from his parents' generosity, we certainly do. Specially me as I get a place to stay for free. And I am very grateful. That's one of the reason why don't want to leave. It's also nice to have family here. I dont really have anyone aside from them.

What I'm trying to say was that he doesn't add that much more cost to his parents. They will pay all those expenses anyway. I pay a lil bit for the bills energy and wifi but that's it. 

Thank you for your replies. Very much appreciated.

 

[BaileyB]

10 minutes ago, Sikwan03 said:

I didn't mean that we don't benefit from his parents' generosity, we certainly do. Specially me as I get a place to stay for free. And I am very grateful. That's one of the reason why don't want to leave. It's also nice to have family here. I dont really have anyone aside from them.

What I'm trying to say was that he doesn't add that much more cost to his parents. They will pay all those expenses anyway.

I hear what you are saying. No doubt, they wouldn’t let you stay if it wasn’t also mutually beneficial for them. I’m sure they appreciate your company, your assistance with the maintenance of the home and the cooking, and take comfort in having you near as they grow older. That said - how exactly does your husband contribute? The pleasure of his company will only go so far...

My partner’s ex wife was similar. She mooched off him for years and now that they are divorced, her parents support her financially. Some people have no problem living this way... And then, she complains that she loves below the poverty line... She hasn’t actually worked a day for the past 15 years. 🤣

 

Edited May 15, 2021 by BaileyB

[Sikwan03]

Whoa.. it's  so weird. Reading your responses actually makes me emotional. 

I feel disappointed about my current situation.

I feel sad to conclude that my husband just doesn't love me enough to give his best.

I feel relieved that my disappointments are valid.

And I am scared to see where this goes...

I appreciate all of your replies. Thank you.

 

[BaileyB]

5 minutes ago, Sikwan03 said:

I feel sad to conclude that my husband just doesn't love me enough to give his best.

I wouldn’t exactly say this. 

Try not to personalize this. This is about him, not you. In fact, you being or doing “more” won’t help this situation at all. He needs a wake up call, and even that may not be enough to motivate him to put his phone down and participate in life. 

It is likely that he would likely be the same, whether he was living on his own or even with another woman.

I’m sorry this has made you emotional. Hugs. 

Edited May 15, 2021 by BaileyB

[Sikwan03]

10 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I wouldn’t exactly say this. 

Try not to personalize this. This is about him, not you. In fact, you being or doing “more” won’t help this situation at all. He needs a wake up call, and even that may not be enough to motivate him to put his phone down and participate in life. 

It is likely that he would likely be the same, whether he was living on his own or even with another woman.

I’m sorry this has made you emotional. Hugs. 

I have done this, I gave him an ultimatum and I was serious about it. I said I'll be moving back home. He tried his hardest and got a job but his boss was an ar$e so he quit after 3 months then that's it. He stopped searching. He takes xmas jobs then nothing for the rest of the year. He's been out of job for too long that it's now too hard for him to get one plus he doesn't really try his best.

He would also clean the house when he feels I am in a bad mood (which is actually not very often), then back to his ways. 

I even spoke to my mother about it (minus the 0 sex) but she cant relate. Her husband was an alcoholic and used to hit us. So, for her my husband is a good husband. He makes me breakfast (coffee), drives me about (with my car) doesn't hit me or call me names. She said, it could be worst. Plus she thinks I'm so lucky with my PIL (which I do agree).

 

[BaileyB]

13 minutes ago, Sikwan03 said:

He's been out of job for too long that it's now too hard for him to get one

This is true. Few people will want to hire a lazy and entitled man with no work history.

13 minutes ago, Sikwan03 said:

I even spoke to my mother about it (minus the 0 sex) but she cant relate. Her husband was an alcoholic and used to hit us. So, for her my husband is a good husband. He makes me breakfast (coffee), drives me about (with my car) doesn't hit me or call me names. She said, it could be worst.

If that has been her experience, I can understand why she would believe that. Still, the fact that your husband isn’t an alcoholic and physically abusive toward you is setting the bar pretty low...

Quote

I have done this, I gave him an ultimatum and I was serious about it. I said I'll be moving back home.

You weren’t serious though, because you stayed. That taught him that your word means nothing. So, while he may have been motivated then... he certainly isn’t now. He knows that you don’t mean what you say, unfortunately. 

13 minutes ago, Sikwan03 said:

He tried his hardest and got a job but his boss was an ar$e so he quit after 3 months then that's it. He stopped searching.

My boss can be an ar$e too sometimes - I still go to work every single day because I need a pay check. If he didn’t like it, he should have continued to look for another job while working at his current job. Many people don’t like their job or don’t like their boss - not many people are able to quit working because their parent’s and their spouse enables them to do so. Most people find a way to deal with it - if he doesn’t have the life skills to do this then than is a problem for you...

Edited May 15, 2021 by BaileyB

[MsJayne]

I'm going to unleash, so brace. Your husband is a lazy, good-for-nothing bum who expects you and his parents to prop him up. How can you stand this? Why you would want sex with him is a mystery to me, there's nothing manly or attractive about having the mentality of a 15 year old - playing music and on the internet all day?!!  I'd be constantly fighting the urge to batter him to death with his Iphone. Something that really gets up my nose is the number of Western men who marry Asians because Western women just wouldn't put up with them, they think that the Asian woman is weak and subservient and it's OK to treat her like a live-in maid and source of income, or worse, (this is an inherent racist attitude among many white males). Please kick this lazy lump of worthless crap to the kerb while you're still young and attractive, and find yourself a real man, someone worthy of you.  I see this often in Australia, and I love it when the Asian wife wipes the Family Court house floor with the sexist, racist tool and leaves them spluttering with rage and confusion, completely unable to grasp the fact that a mere female, (and a foreign female at that!), has outsmarted them. 

[Sikwan03]

Thank you for your replies. I'll take everything you all said into consideration. 

I'm still unsure on what exactly I need or want to do and how to go about it. But I'll take it easy for now and think this through. At the moment I have so much thoughts, doubts, fear etc. But I'll take what you all said and reflect. 

It's been an overwhelming realisation and I'm not entirely sure what I truly feel. 

[d0nnivain]

Only you know if you are better of with him or without him. 

I could not stay living with my ILs married to a lazy guy who contributes nothing.  I had a habitually unemployed BF for a few years but my house was immaculate, a hot dinner was always on the table & the was good.  He was a great 1950s "housewife".  I went to work.  He grocery shopped, picked up my dry cleaning, kept my house neat, took the dog for long walks.   Your guy does none of that. 

What does he contribute?  Have you asked him if he likes his life?  Mooching off parents, no sex, no job. . . I suspect he's depressed.  Perhaps make him getting therapy a condition of you staying. If he can find some sense of self he may become more motivated.  

[Sikwan03]

13 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

What does he contribute?  Have you asked him if he likes his life?  Mooching off parents, no sex, no job. . . I suspect he's depressed.  Perhaps make him getting therapy a condition of you staying. If he can find some sense of self he may become more motivated.  

He does the shopping, do the washing and drives me about (to work most of the time before covid19) 

I did ask him and he said it really doesn't bother him that he isn't working but he wants to work just so he has regular money for himself and can buy things he wants but I guess that's not enough motivation. He has low confidence and hates being turned down for jobs. 

I think a part of it is my fault. I thought it wasn't so bad coz he doesn't really cost me that much. So although I reminded him at times, I only pushed the subject once. Recently I've been under financial pressure coz of my mother's health and other stuff. That's when I find it sad that I have no one to lean on. Not that I would ask him but it would be good if I could take a break from household expenses. And if the house is constantly clean, that would cheer me up.

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

I suspect he's depressed. 

I do too. Either that or he just really has no problem with other people supporting him. 

3 hours ago, Sikwan03 said:

I did ask him and he said it really doesn't bother him that he isn't working but he wants to work just so he has regular money for himself and can buy things he wants but I guess that's not enough motivation.

You are really fortunate that his parent’s allow you to live with them. Most people do not work for spending money. Most people have bills to pay. As such, there is absolutely no motivation or him to do anything different if they/you are paying his bills. No offence - but this sounds like the conversation we are currently having with my partner’s teenage son. He too lives rent/mortgage free and he will continue to do so while he is a student. He has some menial jobs that he does around the house, in much the same way that your husband participates in the running of the home. He lives comfortably, he wants for nothing and as a result - he WANTS nothing. He has absolutely no motivation to get his drivers licence or a job. In discussion with my partner, we have discussed the fact that continuing to enable him doesn’t serve him at all - it does nothing to teach him how to develop the skills to support himself, to deal with the work environment, to develop the social skills and work ethic to be successful in life. In other words, we are about to make life more uncomfortable for him because it’s time for him to turn off YouTube and develop the skills and ability to function as an adult.

3 hours ago, Sikwan03 said:

He has low confidence and hates being turned down for jobs. 

This is in part because he has not had the experiences that allow him to develop confidence. It’s only by actually working, earning a pay check, negotiating conflict successfully, building relationships and skills that one develops the confidence to know - they can do it! He gave up before he even gave it a chance. He is not resilient because he has never learned to pick himself up after failure (which is a part of life, for everyone). He has never developed these skills because it has never been required of him. 

Edited May 16, 2021 by BaileyB

[Marc878]

Your husband is lazy and will never change.

You’ll get tired of being a maid service. Get out now and divide him. Save yourself.

Good men/husbands aren’t lazy.

[Sikwan03]

@BaileyB You're right. I agree with everything you said. Thank you for saying them.

I feel weird coz I've never been like him so I dont know why I kept being ok about it for a long time. I've always worked all my life and never quit a job before signing a new contract. But for some reason I never truly see anything seriously wrong with our situation. 

I think staying with in-law never bothered me as much as it would other people. In my culture, its kinda normal. And I like having more people around, I also have a great relationship with my PIL. I would like to have our own place but staying with them isn't much of a problem. 

I think, I will have a really good talk about it to my husband and see if we can come up with anything. Or if I would need to start all over again. I just need to compose myself and think about how to get to it. 

[BaileyB]

 

34 minutes ago, Sikwan03 said:

I think staying with in-law never bothered me as much as it would other people. In my culture, its kinda normal. And I like having more people around, I also have a great relationship with my PIL. I would like to have our own place but staying with them isn't much of a problem. 

If it works for you, that ok. It is kinda normal for many cultures. You obviously have a good relationship with your in-laws and that great! That can continue if you get your own home - it doesn’t have to end if you are not living with them. Housing prices are high in the UK. I think many people find solutions for affordable housing by taking people into their home (as in a holiday let or roommate). This would include family, but often there is some attempt for separation in the housing - such that people have their own space. Perhaps you have that, it’s not all that uncommon in markets where housing is not affordable. 

Here’s one solution - how about you offer to pay some rent to his parents. Is he their only child? Perhaps, he will inherit the home when they pass but what about actually “buying” the home from them in payments now. They can then use that money to travel or for their own retirement - if they are so inclined. Just because they offer to let you live rent free doesn’t mean that you have to accept their offer. If none of you mind the living arrangement, it is one way to require your husband to be more responsible and it is the kind, respectful, and responsible thing to do for his parents. 

You know, I hear my partner a little in your words. He sometimes tells me that it’s ok that his son doesn’t work because he doesn’t need anything. In other words, because he is still a teen we are obligated to provide housing and food :). It’s not that expensive to keep him and he doesn’t have many needs. I argue that that’s not the point. The point is - he will never be motivated to do anything if we take care of everything and he wants for nothing... Further, we are taking from him the opportunity to practice and learn the skills he will need to live a successful and independent life. That starts at McDonalds - where he has to leave his tablet at home to go to work, he has to work hard because that is the expectation, and he has to learn to deal with people who are perhaps dissatisfied and a boss who is controlling and difficult. It is in this environment that he will learn the skills needed to be successful in a later professional job. This is the time for him to learn these skills - it’s totally unfair and unrealistic for him to enter the adult world and expect him to function without learning these life skills. 

My parents allowed me to live at home rent free while I was a student. I still payed for my clothing, my bus ticket or later my car, my other expenses. When I got my first job, they supported me by allowing me to stay at home and save money for a down payment. But - my mother asked for a couple hundred dollars a month in “rent.” Her exact words - you need to learn that you don’t get to keep all of your take home pay. You will need to pay a mortgage, taxes, utilities... Nobody lives for free. One of my coworkers did this with her daughter and they put the money into a saving account that (unknown to their daughter), they were planning to give her when she moved out to out towards a down payment for a home. I love this idea because these are parents who support but do not enable their children. I wanted for nothing, but I still had to “earn” certain things. It started by having my own spending money (what your husband says he would like but not enough to actually get a job). I then became responsible for my own expenses - clothing, entertainment, car payment/insurance/gas, tuition. I eventually became financially independent when I moved out of their home. They have supported us in many ways - not the least of which by giving us expectations. 

If I was you, I would give your husband some expectations. I would stop buying his clothes, his snacks, or any other personal expenses - if he wants something, he needs to find the money. I would also require him to offer something to his parents in exchange for the room and board. It’s time that he grows up and starts paying his way... and if he fails to do that, that’s when I would be looking to file for divorce. You want a husband, a partner, not a dependent. 

Edited May 16, 2021 by BaileyB