Chasing vs. Not chasing

[mortensorchid]

Out of curiosity, I am interested in hearing what others think on this topic.  This debate will never be resolved, there is no definite answer, etc., but I am curious as to what others think.

Women have been told in the past not to chase men.  And yet, women pursue.  I am, of course, guilty of this just like every other woman is.  I have, however, learned the hard way that one should not do it.  Hence part of my disastrous OLDs documented here - you meet once then you never hear a word from them again.  I have seen many women, however, chasing men and then getting them.  What happens to the relationship after they aquire them?  Don't know.

Chasing mentality is like being addicted to something - you have to have it or you'll die.  Maybe that's why we bow down to it so badly.  Am I wrong?  What do others think?

[Alpacalia]

I guess the best piece of advice I can offer is that you have to find what works for you.

If he's responsive and receptive to you, great!

If not, then no.

[Uruktopi]

Men chase women and women chase men since we humans are a species (and even earlier, our ancestors did it).

Some ways of doing it are or were seen as more characteristic of each gender, some others are common to both.

I hope that mutual chase will go on making this world a better place to live in. 

[Woggle]

Nobody should chase anybody. If two people are truly in love they should naturally want to move towards each other. Chasing implies one person wants to get away which is not the foundation for a good relationship.

[Miss Spider]

If you mean asking a guy out initially, I think that’s totally fine. I think a lot of men are nervous/careful about it, so if you do it the “right way” , they like it and all’s good. But after that, it should be relatively reciprocal for best results. Like you can ask them out sometimes,  and they may ask you out sometimes, but I’d you’re consistently having to “chase” them I’d say there’s something wrong there and you should probably let them go. Some people don’t and they keep chasing and eventually nail them down, but I’d say that’s a imbalance of interest. 

Edited May 16, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[FMW]

I think "chase" means different things to different people.  For some, a woman is chasing if she initiates a phone call or a text at the beginning of a relationship.  Others expect more mutual effort in order to bother pursuing anything.  

I prefer moderation on both sides.  Both need to show interest, neither should be doing all the work.  It does seem that in most cases it works out better if they guy is the one that actually does the asking out for the first time, but that doesn't hold true all the time.

I agree with @Alpaca,  we should go with what is comfortable and natural to us.  If  people meet when they're acting in a way that's not authentic to who they really are, the relationship isn't going to get too far.   

[ShyViolet]

I would never chase anyone, and I don't think anyone should have to "chase" anyone in a mature, adult dating situation, to be honest.  The whole "chasing" and playing hard-to-get just sounds like immature games.  If someone doesn't show clear interest and communicate openly and honestly, then they're playing games and not worth the trouble.

[chillii]

l really don't know l mean you do hear of it working out though, sometimes. l suppose if she's up to it but realizes too she could be rejected though, or he may just grab it bc there's nothing else goin on at the time , good luck to her.

For me personally as male though, it never did go anywhere bc l had reservations or just plain wasn't interested anyway.

[Blind-Sided]

It's a topic that has come up with my buddies over the years... and I think most guys don't really want to be "Chased" at all.   Sure, if a guy is single for a while, he may say he wants a girl to chase him... but he really doesn't.  At lease not for a serious, LT relationship. 

In my own life... there was a few girls who "Chased" me... and I didn't have a relationship with any of them. I don't know if the forward actions of the girls was the turn-off... or if it was just that I wouldn't have really tried to date them in the first place. A few of them had a "Body Type" that I wasn't attracted to... or the way they carried themselves in general.  I remember one was a smoker, and I've never wanted to kiss an ashtray. (Even though she was kind of hot) But, ultimately... I think that subconsciously, I felt that if they were chasing me... that girl was "Easy"... and who wants to date a girl like that.   (Mom always said, there are girls you date, and girls you marry. LOL)

[chillii]

11 hours ago, Woggle said:

Nobody should chase anybody. If two people are truly in love they should naturally want to move towards each other. Chasing implies one person wants to get away which is not the foundation for a good relationship.

 

Admittedly too this is how it does work with the right person and has for me. One of the many reasons it always amazes me reading about in forums and all this dating stuff so few seem to get it. Right person and it's all just a given.

PS, and tbh, again just for myself l'd actually found it really embarrassing when someone did chase me bc l was never interested .

 

 

 

Edited May 16, 2021 by chillii

[d0nnivain]

Chasing is bad. 

Clearly communicating on going interest is required.  Initiating communication is not chasing.  You can't sit there like it's 1950 & hope the guy calls you.  It's OK to send the 1st text or make the 1st phone call.   

What's bad & debasing is continuing to reach out when you get no response or a tepid response from the other person.  

So you can & should send a message on the app if you are interested.  After the 1st date, send a follow up thank you.  That seems to a green light signal some men need to know it's OK to keep communicating, that there is interest.  I'd go so far as to say it's OK to initiate the 2nd date, even if the face of no action steps after the thank you.  If you hear nothing, then move along but if there is some back & forth without a firm ask for a 2nd date it's OK to take up the slack.  My version would be something like you send the thank you.  They respond but don't ask for a next date & this goes on for a few days.   Given that it's Spring I'd say something like 

The weather is turning so glorious. I just want to be outside.  Would you like to meet me for a drink (or a bite) at the [place], my treat?  They have a lovely outside space.  Does [day of the week] at [time[ work for you?  

The activity doesn't matter.  Just pick something & be specific.  See what they say.  If they meet you, great.  You have moved things forward.  If they don't respond positively. . meaning a yes or even a time / date / location change, you delete them & move on.   Beats the heck out of sitting around wondering.  Then you can devote your energies to a new prospect

Chasing, which is bad, would be you continuing to reach out to somebody who didn't accept your offer above.  That person is not interested.  No need to debase yourself by getting rejected over & over.  Take the one no or no response & move along.   

[Syd8]

18 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

Out of curiosity, I am interested in hearing what others think on this topic.  This debate will never be resolved, there is no definite answer, etc., but I am curious as to what others think.

Women have been told in the past not to chase men.  And yet, women pursue.  I am, of course, guilty of this just like every other woman is.  I have, however, learned the hard way that one should not do it.  Hence part of my disastrous OLDs documented here - you meet once then you never hear a word from them again.  I have seen many women, however, chasing men and then getting them.  What happens to the relationship after they aquire them?  Don't know.

Chasing mentality is like being addicted to something - you have to have it or you'll die.  Maybe that's why we bow down to it so badly.  Am I wrong?  What do others think?

As a man, I prefer it if a woman initiates interest. I have no "game" as the kids call it. 

[Weezy1973]

Our innate tendency to be most attracted to people more attractive than ourselves, and not at all attracted to people less attractive than ourselves is what leads to chasing. We’re chasing after something we’re unlikely to catch, because the person being chased doesn’t want to be caught by us. 
 

Chasing in this case is much different than just asking someone out. Asking someone out on a date is perfectly fine. Obsessing and crushing on someone and getting hung up on them, not so much. Getting in the “friendzone” hoping for more if you’re a guy or becoming a FWB and hoping for more if you’re a woman is equally unhealthy. 
 

 

[alphamale]

On 5/15/2021 at 6:10 PM, mortensorchid said:

Out of curiosity, I am interested in hearing what others think on this topic.  This debate will never be resolved, there is no definite answer, etc., but I am curious as to what others think.

Women have been told in the past not to chase men.  And yet, women pursue.  I am, of course, guilty of this just like every other woman is.  I have, however, learned the hard way that one should not do it.  Hence part of my disastrous OLDs documented here - you meet once then you never hear a word from them again.  I have seen many women, however, chasing men and then getting them.  What happens to the relationship after they aquire them?  Don't know.

Chasing mentality is like being addicted to something - you have to have it or you'll die.  Maybe that's why we bow down to it so badly.  Am I wrong?  What do others think?

I don’t know wtf you’re talking about 🙂

[mortensorchid]

5 minutes ago, alphamale said:

I don’t know wtf you’re talking about 🙂

You most certainly do.

[alphamale]

1 hour ago, mortensorchid said:

You most certainly do.

😆

[basil67]

@mortensorchid What kind of actions are you thinking of when you say "chase"?

[elaine567]

People, both men and women like to be "chased" and caught by the "right" people. 
The problem being that many who decide to chase, especially persistently, are the "wrong" people.

[basil67]

When dating, I was certainly proactive, but I didn't chase.  That's because someone who needs to be chased isn't interested.   

As far as chasing being a man's job, I would go as far as saying that I've felt completely disrespected when I've been chased by a man.   When I say "no", I mean it and I expect to be heard and have him back off.   Conversely, if I'm interested, he won't need to chase.

Edited May 17, 2021 by basil67

[elaine567]

I do believe it can be a cultural thing with some women being expected to play hard to get and some men being expected to chase to get the girl they want.
BUT it is kind of outdated in modern thinking as it requires the pursuer to disregard what the pursued is telling them, and  now "NO means NO" is the preferred stance.

[Gaeta]

For me to develop interest in a man he has to show interest in me.

I'm sorry for the men online dating  but l do not send messages to men unless he messages first or he likes my profile. 

If l am interested back l will give him the biggest green light he's ever seen but l won't chase him. My green lights should keep him coming back. If not then his level of interest is low.

I've been doing this long enough to know men have to feel you are one of a kind and he's the one who found you! 

Once mutual interest has been established l will initiate contact but l will not over do it. I will not spend hours on a first date, will not spend hours on the phone. I will also be the one ending the conversation always throwing my big green lights at him.

Men interest grow in between seeing you and talking to you so let him breath.

Be fun and laugh, flirt a little. They will come back.

[dramafreezone]

On 5/15/2021 at 3:10 PM, mortensorchid said:

Out of curiosity, I am interested in hearing what others think on this topic.  This debate will never be resolved, there is no definite answer, etc., but I am curious as to what others think.

Women have been told in the past not to chase men.  And yet, women pursue.  I am, of course, guilty of this just like every other woman is.  I have, however, learned the hard way that one should not do it.  Hence part of my disastrous OLDs documented here - you meet once then you never hear a word from them again.  I have seen many women, however, chasing men and then getting them.  What happens to the relationship after they aquire them?  Don't know.

Chasing mentality is like being addicted to something - you have to have it or you'll die.  Maybe that's why we bow down to it so badly.  Am I wrong?  What do others think?

People have to decide what's best for them.

There's this (ill conceived) idea that if a man really likes you, he'll pursue you.  That works for some and not others.   If you've bought into this idea that a man has to chase you and you haven't had the best results, maybe time to modify your preconceptions.

Edited May 17, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Gaeta]

It's in men's nature to pursue. I am talking healthy pursuing. We're not going to undo thousands of years of genetic programming in 50 years. 

This genetic programming is so strong that the most shy man will be able to act because of it. 

If a man does not pursue you, he is not interested in you. 

I'm going to take this further. If a man IS interested in you, but cannot find the courage to show his interest in you, why would you want to be with a man like that?

Edited May 17, 2021 by Gaeta

[mark clemson]

I think being the one to show initial interest constitutes "chasing". If they really like you, you usually shouldn't have to "chase" too hard, although some people are reserved.

As a teenager/in college, I've had women essentially show up at my house or dorm room and initiate conversations that swiftly led to sex and then to a relationship. (All it tended to take with me, as long as I was attracted back.) Was I chased? Not sure.

I've also turned down a couple of them for various reasons. I noticed they didn't "chase" me too long after that. Probably wise as, for them, I wasn't interested in starting a relationship.

[Wiseman2]

This is chasing: 👟👟👟👟👟👟👟........👞👞👞👞👞👞

This is pursuing: .👠....👠....👠.....👠............... 🥾🥾🥾🥾

Edited May 17, 2021 by Wiseman2