Chasing vs. Not chasing

[Alpacalia]

I think it's good when both men and women consider the qualities that are important to him/her.

Anything that raises an eyebrow should be taken into account.

The moral of the story?

Don't go chasing waterfalls.

[basil67]

26 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

This genetic programming is so strong that the most shy man will be able to act because of it. 

I've known more than one shy/hesitant/lazy man that this isn't true for.    

I did a quick search and can't find any credible evidence that it's genetically programmed.  

[Woggle]

If people want to stick old gender roles then go ahead but the ones who throw that out and just embrace having an equal relationship were two people get together and seem to share a life seem to doing the best. I was the one who initiated the first meeting but she proposed to me and we are going great. This idea that the man does this and the woman does that and the fact that we can't seem to shake it is we modern relationships are so bad these days. It's outdated.

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I did a quick search and can't find any credible evidence that it's genetically programmed.  

 Unless your a turtle or a sloth, no?🐢🦥

[Gaeta]

7 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I've known more than one shy/hesitant/lazy man that this isn't true for.    

I did a quick search and can't find any credible evidence that it's genetically programmed.  

One example: The human male has a drive to impregnate as many females as possible, to create as many offspring with his genes as possible. (Ehrlichman & Eichenstein, 1992) Thus, he applies criteria typical for a male animal. He looks for women who are impregnable

It's the male that looks for a female. 

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, Woggle said:

but she proposed to me and we are going great. 

When you propose you are way past the pursuing phase. The pursuing phase is at the very beginning when you make contact.

[Woggle]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

When you propose you are way past the pursuing phase. The pursuing phase is at the very beginning when you make contact.

True but if a woman sees a man she likes why not go for it. Also I have no desire to impregnate one woman let alone as many as possible.

[basil67]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

One example: The human male has a drive to impregnate as many females as possible, to create as many offspring with his genes as possible. (Ehrlichman & Eichenstein, 1992) Thus, he applies criteria typical for a male animal. He looks for women who are impregnable

It's the male that looks for a female. 

This mentions nothing about chasing a woman.  This man could well be looking for women who are available to him.  

And it doesn't explain why not all men chase.   My hubby wouldn't have chased me - he wouldn't be bothered with a woman who doesn't show mutual interest.   His cousin only ever gets girlfriends when they initiate.   And there's those who suffer anxiety and can't chase.   

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

he wouldn't be bothered with a woman who doesn't show mutual interest. 

Pursuing doesn't mean chasing a woman that wants nothing with you. Of course both have to show interest but they show their interest in different ways at the beginning. The man shows his interest by making a call, making a date invitation. She shows her interest by saying yes she'd love to, by flirting, and be appreciative of his date and attention. 

[Gaeta]

10 minutes ago, Woggle said:

True but if a woman sees a man she likes why not go for it. Also I have no desire to impregnate one woman let alone as many as possible.

Been there, done that. Going after a man never got me a relationship, got me sex and being dump after. Of course you don't want to impregnate a woman but our desire to find a partner, to mate, is from our instinct to make offsprings for our survival. This is still in us. Our hormones are only in  us for the sole purpose of having us reproduce. 

[basil67]

27 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Pursuing doesn't mean chasing a woman that wants nothing with you. Of course both have to show interest but they show their interest in different ways at the beginning. The man shows his interest by making a call, making a date invitation. She shows her interest by saying yes she'd love to, by flirting, and be appreciative of his date and attention. 

And this confusion between posters why I wish @mortensorchid would come back and clarify what she means as "chase"   

[basil67]

28 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Our hormones are only in  us for the sole purpose of having us reproduce. 

Our hormones actually do so much more than that.  Healing, growth, managing blood sugars etc etc    They are very clever things

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

The man shows his interest by making a call, making a date invitation. She shows her interest by saying yes she'd love to, by flirting, and be appreciative of his date and attention. 

I wouldn’t call this chasing. This is just a guy asking a woman out, and her being interested. No chase involved. Chasing suggests someone is running away (I.e. not interested) in the hope that you’ll catch them (they’ll become interested later).

[basil67]

Indeed @Weezy1973 .   One can't chase something gives cooperation in being caught.  

Edited May 17, 2021 by basil67

[SumGuy]

On 5/15/2021 at 6:10 PM, mortensorchid said:

Out of curiosity, I am interested in hearing what others think on this topic.  This debate will never be resolved, there is no definite answer, etc., but I am curious as to what others think.

Women have been told in the past not to chase men.  And yet, women pursue.  I am, of course, guilty of this just like every other woman is.  I have, however, learned the hard way that one should not do it.  Hence part of my disastrous OLDs documented here - you meet once then you never hear a word from them again.  I have seen many women, however, chasing men and then getting them.  What happens to the relationship after they aquire them?  Don't know.

Chasing mentality is like being addicted to something - you have to have it or you'll die.  Maybe that's why we bow down to it so badly.  Am I wrong?  What do others think?

Chasing to me implies they are running away.  What you describe is approaching first and them not feeling it.  That is people, not genders.  Men face the same thing all the time, you meet once and never here from them again.  Of course your success rate goes up when you wait for people to show initial interest in you...it is simply their interest has overcome their fear of rejection so much more likely they will feel it.

In my expereince relationships don't last any longer or shorter depending on who initiated.  That is so far down the list.  There are plenty of men who chased the love of their life who later cheat on her.

Advice that gets one to sit back and let life happen to them, instead of engage, is just bad relationship advice.  That said, no one should "chase," if the other person plays hard to get forget them, life is too short for such games. 

[mark clemson]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

One example: The human male has a drive to impregnate as many females as possible, to create as many offspring with his genes as possible. (Ehrlichman & Eichenstein, 1992) Thus, he applies criteria typical for a male animal. He looks for women who are impregnable

It's the male that looks for a female. 

Is this meant to imply that women DON'T look? I would think they often do, perhaps in a different way. Do your scientists say anything about this?

The woman initiating things with me has resulted in relationships. This happened at least 3 times that I can think of off the top of my head.

I think there's a distinction between a woman who is "actively looking" - e.g. she will pay attention to an attractive man in her surroundings vs. one who isn't - she's less likely to show clear interest such as looking at you, smiling at you, starting a conversation, suggesting the possibility of additional meetings/continued contact, etc. But there certainly seem to be plenty of women out there "looking", along with the ones who aren't.

[Gaeta]

On 5/15/2021 at 6:10 PM, mortensorchid said:

 you meet once then you never hear a word from them again.  I have seen many women, however, chasing men and then getting them. 

I agree you will have to go in details and explain what you consider chasing? 

1 phone call or text after a date is not chasing.

A series of consecutive calls and texts, yes it is.

[mortensorchid]

Chasing is one party reaching out to a person that they want to be with (phone call, text, etc.)  indicating that they are interested in the other party.  This is traditionally done by the man, but women can and do this as well - whether or not it's received by either party is another matter.  

I've had some men reach out to me through Facebook IM weeks after the encounter who have said "I thought we were going to be an item, why didn't I hear from you again?"  I said I get the impression you aren't interested because you never reach out save for once every few weeks.  They act like I don't know what I am talking about.

[Gaeta]

25 minutes ago, mortensorchid said:

I've had some men reach out to me through Facebook IM weeks after the encounter who have said "I thought we were going to be an item, why didn't I hear from you again?"  I said I get the impression you aren't interested because you never reach out save for once every few weeks.  They act like I don't know what I am talking about.

This is not chasing.

A woman reaching to a man after their first date to say thank you she had a good time is a green light to the man she's interested.  A man is not going to pursue you he you leave him dry with no indication at all that you've enjoyed his company. 

Mortensorchid: Dating involved 2 people. Both have to indicate their interest. There are ways for a woman to show her interest without 'chasing' a man. 

So, if you were interested in these men why didn't you give them a big green light?

[Alpacalia]

56 minutes ago, mortensorchid said:

I've had some men reach out to me through Facebook IM weeks after the encounter who have said "I thought we were going to be an item, why didn't I hear from you again?"  I said I get the impression you aren't interested because you never reach out save for once every few weeks.  They act like I don't know what I am talking about.

"I thought we were going to be an item" 

Is that supposed to be like a hint? 

I.E.  "an item" = "boyfriend/girlfriend" 

 

 

[mortensorchid]

@Alpaca- yes.  

[Alpacalia]

1 minute ago, mortensorchid said:

@Alpaca- yes.  

In that sense, suggesting boyfriend/girlfriend status via Facebook IM after not hearing from him in upwards of two weeks is unusual.

Particularly because you were direct in questioning their interest and he pretended he had no idea what you were talking about.

[Gaeta]

22 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

In that sense, suggesting boyfriend/girlfriend status via Facebook IM after not hearing from him in upwards of two weeks is unusual.

I think he was questionning her interest as he had not heard from her. I interprete this as he had shown his interest and was waiting for a confirmation back from her that never came. 

[Alpacalia]

11 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I think he was questionning her interest as he had not heard from her. I interprete this as he had shown his interest and was waiting for a confirmation back from her that never came. 

Good point and maybe you're right.

It's hard to say.

If OP is comfortable with sharing more details maybe we can get a better sense of things?

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

Facebook IM weeks after the encounter who have said "I thought we were going to be an item, why didn't I hear from you again?"  I said I get the impression you aren't interested because you never reach out save for once every few weeks.  

Agree, contacting here and there is not "chasing", it's not even pursuing. Heck, it's not even interested.

Delete and block clowns🤡 and timewasters like this.