Chasing vs. Not chasing

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

37 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree, contacting here and there is not "chasing", it's not even pursuing. Heck, it's not even interested.

I've had some men reach out to me through Facebook IM weeks after the encounter who have said "I thought we were going to be an item, why didn't I hear from you again?"  I said I get the impression you aren't interested because you never reach out save for once every few weeks.  They act like I don't know what I am talking about.

I am not fully understanding this.

They are asking why they never heard back from you after the encounter, why didn't they? If you like meeting a man  you don't do anything to show your interest?  You go silent?

Then even though they never heard from you after the date they still give this a shot by contacting you randomly but I guess again they don't feel there is an interest from you because you go silent after all these communications. 

I'm not sure I understand what a man is suppose to do? He has to invite you, contact you right after, then initiate all contact afterward and he has to do that without ever receiving a big green light from you, no flirting, no communication from you? 

 

Edited May 18, 2021 by Gaeta

[dramafreezone]

21 hours ago, Gaeta said:

It's in men's nature to pursue. I am talking healthy pursuing. We're not going to undo thousands of years of genetic programming in 50 years. 

This genetic programming is so strong that the most shy man will be able to act because of it. 

If a man does not pursue you, he is not interested in you. 

I'm going to take this further. If a man IS interested in you, but cannot find the courage to show his interest in you, why would you want to be with a man like that?

Well, what I will say is this train of thought eliminates a lot of otherwise good men that have a singular flaw that may have no bearing on their potential to be a good partner to you.  Also that's overly simplistic, "if a guy does not pursue you, he's not interested."  It doesn't mean he can't be interested or wouldn't if you didn't get in his way somehow.  The guy may not be aware of you, or they may think you're unavailable.  I can vividly remember one woman I ended up dating that I thought was married, but she'd gotten a divorce, so she had to pursue me basically.  I would've been interested right off the bat had I known her situation.

It also predisposes you to meeting a greater percentage of "players."  Then you come back with this "why are there so many players out there?"  See how that works?

Edited May 18, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Weezy1973]

6 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

Chasing is one party reaching out to a person that they want to be with (phone call, text, etc.)  indicating that they are interested in the other party. 

So your question is really about whether or not women should ask men out that they’re interested in?

I think it’s more complicated than just a yes or no answer. Because men tend to be the ones to ask out women - I believe I saw a stat saying more than 90% of first emails sent in OLD are by men - a woman asking out a man has some inherent risk. 
 

The first risk isn’t really a risk at all. It’s just rejection. And perfectly normal. But if you’re someone that struggles with self worth, a perfectly normal rejection might hurt more than it would for others.

 

The second risk is that the man in question might see you as some easy sex if he has any “player” tendencies to him. This risk as well can be mitigated if you recognize the signs soon enough.

 

But the risk of pining over someone indefinitely is worse in my opinion. Ask him out. Get an answer. Move forward with your life.

Edited May 18, 2021 by Weezy1973

[Woggle]

I would never assume a woman is easy because she asked a man out. I would assume she was interested in me because that is clear and definite sign. With the way things are going women will have to initiate more if they want a date or a relationship.

[Alpacalia]

OP might have reached out after whatever encounter she was referring too.

She hasn't exactly specified so it's hard to say.

It would help if we knew what she meant.

For all we know she may have called him but he didn't call back for two weeks.

But if she's just going silent after each date, then, that's not good.

 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, dramafreezone said:

 Also that's overly simplistic, "if a guy does not pursue you, he's not interested."  It doesn't mean he can't be interested or wouldn't if you didn't get in his way somehow.  The guy may not be aware of you, or they may think you're unavailable. 

But it's my point. If a man is too shy, to insecure, to afraid of rejection because I might not be single or I might XYZ, then personally he's not the right partner for me. I have never had a partner that is paralized by the idea of taking a risk. It's not my type of man. 

[poppyfields]

On 5/17/2021 at 12:21 AM, elaine567 said:

People, both men and women like to be "chased" and caught by the "right" people. 
The problem being that many who decide to chase, especially persistently, are the "wrong" people.

Yeah but if it IS the right person, then there will be no chasing, as chasing implies the chasee is running away and the chaser needs to catch them.

When someone is "right" for us, there will be no need to run away from them, therefore no need for our love interest to chase.

On the other hand, when someone is "wrong," we might run away, and if the the other person is continuing to pursue, then that's chasing.

I am guilty of chasing a man once (literally), I think I may have been obsessed with him at the time, not in an aggressive way (not my style), I just really connected with him and thought he felt the same.

He did not and it didn't end well for me.   

For that reason I wouldn't recommend it to the ladies. 

IMO both people should be pursuing each other. 

Equal effort.  In different ways perhaps, but equal effort nevertheless.

Edited May 18, 2021 by poppyfields

[dramafreezone]

12 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

But it's my point. If a man is too shy, to insecure, to afraid of rejection because I might not be single or I might XYZ, then personally he's not the right partner for me. I have never had a partner that is paralized by the idea of taking a risk. It's not my type of man. 

Well, like I said, I think that's an overly simplistic way of looking at interest from men, but also a very common one.  You cannot boil down every single situation in which a man might not pursue you as either being uninterested or lacking confidence.

I just gave you one instance where I didn't even know a co-worker's situation before she told me.  I don't go around asking co-workers "hey are you still married?"  So how could I even be aware of her as an option?  But you, sticking to your strict code, would've viewed me as having no interest or being not confident enough to ask you out.  In a way, there was a lack of interest on my part, but it was not from not being attracted to her,  it's from not seeing her as a viable option due to her marital status.

Moreover, if you're not completely satisified with the results over the course of your interpersonal relationships, at what point do you question the validity of your beliefs?

Edited May 18, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Weezy1973]

26 minutes ago, Woggle said:

I would never assume a woman is easy because she asked a man out. I would assume she was interested in me because that is clear and definite sign. With the way things are going women will have to initiate more if they want a date or a relationship.

I’m not saying asking a man out means she’s easy. I’m saying a guy who is a player might see her as an easy “mark” so to speak. He doesn’t have to do any work. She’s already interested. 

[Gaeta]

16 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Moreover, if you're not completely satisified with the results over the course of your interpersonal relationships, at what point do you question the validity of your beliefs?

Did she pursue you or she simply gave you a green light by telling you she was now single? 

When I am out there and I see someone I like I send signals, I smile, make eye contact, is that pursuing? I don't consider this pursuing. That one instance, each time I walked to my local park I came across that same man on Tuesdays. I got the guy's attention by smiling at him when he looked toward me. That was enough, he came to me, we chatted and he asked my phone number. 

I don't stand still like a statue and expect men to do a little dance to get my attention, not at all.

Edited May 18, 2021 by Gaeta

[dramafreezone]

10 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Did she pursue you or she simply gave you a green light by telling you she was now single? 

When I am out there and I see someone I like I send signals, I smile, make eye contact, is that pursuing? I don't consider this pursuing. That one instance, each time I walked to my local park I came across that same man on Tuesdays. I got the guy's attention by smiling at him when he looked toward me. That was enough, he came to me, we chatted and he asked my phone number. 

I don't stand still like a statue and expect men to do a little dance to get my attention, not at all.

Oh, I actually do consider looks, smiles pursuing, or at least engaging in the courtship.  So maybe we're miscommunicating a bit.

With the co-worker it came up in a group conversation that she was no longer married, which is when everything clicked in my brain.  In hindsight she definitely gave all of the typical signs of interest (mainly wanting to be around me much more often) in the months before that point, but like I said, I thought she was married.

Edited May 18, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Weezy1973]

28 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

For that reason I wouldn't recommend it to the ladies. 

I wouldn’t recommend this type of chasing for men either. Ask them out. If they decline, move on. If they accept, boom shackalacka.

[Woggle]

46 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

I’m not saying asking a man out means she’s easy. I’m saying a guy who is a player might see her as an easy “mark” so to speak. He doesn’t have to do any work. She’s already interested. 

Honestly the players I have known tend to like a challenge. They take pride in breaking down a woman who would normally not go for that kind of thing. Being direct with a man who would not usually approach a woman for whatever reason might actually better her chances of finding a quality guy.

[poppyfields]

39 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

I wouldn’t recommend this type of chasing for men either. Ask them out. If they decline, move on. If they accept, boom shackalacka.

Lol, true, I phrased that incorrectly as not recommended for "the ladies."

My comment was not meant to be gender specific.

Neither the man or woman should be "chasing."

Pursuing, yes as in pursuing each other.  Making equal effort.

  

Edited May 18, 2021 by poppyfields

[chillii]

On 5/19/2021 at 5:48 AM, Gaeta said:

But it's my point. If a man is too shy, to insecure, to afraid of rejection because I might not be single or I might XYZ, then personally he's not the right partner for me. I have never had a partner that is paralized by the idea of taking a risk. It's not my type of man. 

That's often nothing to do with just taking a risk , it can be much much more than that. Your 50s right , could you even fathom how many women some guy that age has encountered and how much shyt he's dealt with. A lot of guys def start to think about whether to even bother or not until things look cert by those kind of ages believe me. And even if they look cert , which is usually pretty damn obvious in women that age if they are believe me , but that's not even close to enough . You wanna observe her , get a better idea of who she is what she is whether you'd even be interested in her for real or not , whether you'd even like her.  Guys get a lot lot smarter and a lot lot more selective as they get older believe me. They'd often rather just pass altogether than to even bother lifting one finger for the wrong woman.

Edited May 22, 2021 by chillii

[poppyfields]

On 5/18/2021 at 1:24 PM, dramafreezone said:

Oh, I actually do consider looks, smiles pursuing, or at least engaging in the courtship.  So maybe we're miscommunicating a bit.

I read a post that referred to this^ as "windows." 

Gaeta smiling and looking his way was a "window" and he approached.

The post said if men would limit their approaches to only women giving them windows, there would be a lot fewer rejections.

I agree and happens to me often, it happened the other night walking into the supermarket. 

This man and I walked in the same time, he smiled, then I smiled back (a window) and he approached...

Being cold approached when I'm not giving a window rarely turned out well for the guy..  I rejected his approach.

When there's an interest, no matter how slight, it's very easy to give a window, to me it comes naturally.  Simply look his way and smile.  No need to do more than that imho! 

I met an ex that way too, at an event we were attending. I looked his way, smiled and he approached.  He asked me out and we began dating!  

I suppose it is all part of the courtship process, however one wishes to define courtship, it can mean different things to different people in today's dating environment.

 

Edited May 22, 2021 by poppyfields

[chillii]

But it's funny , lf l had a book for all the women that look at me and smile or smile back , it'd be the size of an encyclopedia and if l approached them all l'd need yrs. That might've of meant something to you for you at that time, but not a hope l'd even bother , well if l was single, for just that . Means nothing 99 times of 100 . Women are often just friendly and married or in something or just out there testing testing batting their eyelids and playing bs for their ego. Most guys have found that out 100 times too . He was probably just desperate. And then did it even lead to anything , are you seeing each other now , or was the whole thing just a silly little dance that went absolutely nowhere anyway. Most of guys been there too believe me.

 

ps , one of the biggest problems with questions like these , is that most women have absolutely no idea , how other women carry on . They don't even know how their own friends truly carry on compared to how they actually talk to them and things they tell them. Believe me seen that one a 1000 times too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited May 22, 2021 by chillii

[poppyfields]

8 minutes ago, chillii said:

But it's funny , lf l had a book for all the women that look at me and smile or smile back , it'd be the size of an encyclopedia and if l approached them all l'd need yrs. That might've of meant something to you for you at that time, but not a hope l'd even bother , well if l was single, for just that . Means nothing 99 times of 100 . Women are often just friendly and married or in something or just out there testing testing batting their eyelids and playing bs for their ego. Most guys have found that out 100 times too . He was probably just desperate. And then did it even lead to anything , are you seeing each other now , or was the whole thing just a silly little dance that went absolutely nowhere anyway. Most of guys been there too believe me.

Fair enough, but the window is at least something, you may still get rejected.  She is married, has boyfriend, can't be bothered, lol, whatever. 

Cold approaching without, at the very least a small window, is the kiss of death, it will usually result in rejection.

There are always exceptions though, I'm just speaking in the general. 

 

Edited May 22, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

4 hours ago, chillii said:

That's often nothing to do with just taking a risk , it can be much much more than that. Your 50s right , could you even fathom how many women some guy that age has encountered and how much shyt he's dealt with. A lot of guys def start to think about whether to even bother or not until things look cert by those kind of ages believe me. And even if they look cert , which is usually pretty damn obvious in women that age if they are believe me , but that's not even close to enough . You wanna observe her , get a better idea of who she is what she is whether you'd even be interested in her for real or not , whether you'd even like her.  Guys get a lot lot smarter and a lot lot more selective as they get older believe me. They'd often rather just pass altogether than to even bother lifting one finger for the wrong woman.

You sound more bitter than I, and I am the single one here. 

So far I had 2 dates with someone new. He initiates calls, texts and dates. I initiate too but less than he does. I am always happy to hear from him, I enjoy my time with him, I don't play games but I let him lead and none of that keeps him from getting to know me, I am letting him decide if he likes what he's experiencing with me. I am not sure what you see wrong with that. My part is to show enthusiasm & flirt. Not lead or chase, not this early. If we make it to official dating you bet I'll chase him down where ever he is 😉

 

[d0nnivain]

On 5/18/2021 at 9:22 AM, mortensorchid said:

Chasing is one party reaching out to a person that they want to be with (phone call, text, etc.)  indicating that they are interested in the other party. 

That is not chasing.  That is mutuality, showing interest & being polite.  

If you won't be open to an interaction & communicate that to the other person, especially if you have already been on a date.  It's scary & unnerving to be the one always pursing.  Nobody wants to bark up a tree where the attentions are unwelcome.  

[Donnas]

Man chase. And women let him know that she is interested.

Man dont cleave easily,Thats why they should do the chasing when they see someone that they are into.

The womens job at the end is to say yes i want you or no.

Very few man are to shy and the girl took the lead at some level.

But generally its the guys job,he is made for it also.

[Angelle]

On 5/18/2021 at 4:52 PM, Woggle said:

Honestly the players I have known tend to like a challenge. They take pride in breaking down a woman who would normally not go for that kind of thing. Being direct with a man who would not usually approach a woman for whatever reason might actually better her chances of finding a quality guy.

That didn't work for me, but it did work for a friend of mine. Her now-husband admitted that he was too shy to ask her out initially, but he made it clear that he was interested, once she asked him out. I don't think that she has ever doubted his feelings for her, because he hasn't messed her about at all. She was a single mother, and he was really good with her little girls. Not concerned about her not having time for him, because she had children, and so on. They had a little girl of their own, and all three children are his, as well as their biological fathers'. He's just a good man in general. 

[basil67]

On 5/19/2021 at 6:52 AM, Woggle said:

Honestly the players I have known tend to like a challenge. They take pride in breaking down a woman who would normally not go for that kind of thing. Being direct with a man who would not usually approach a woman for whatever reason might actually better her chances of finding a quality guy.

The bolded is how I ended up with my husband.  

[chillii]

On 5/23/2021 at 5:50 AM, Gaeta said:

You sound more bitter than I, and I am the single one here. 

So far I had 2 dates with someone new. He initiates calls, texts and dates. I initiate too but less than he does. I am always happy to hear from him, I enjoy my time with him, I don't play games but I let him lead and none of that keeps him from getting to know me, I am letting him decide if he likes what he's experiencing with me. I am not sure what you see wrong with that. My part is to show enthusiasm & flirt. Not lead or chase, not this early. If we make it to official dating you bet I'll chase him down where ever he is 😉

 

 

Nah not at all , l didn't mean it in a bitter way , just in an that's how it becomes way. Look don't get me wrong l don't go round flirting with women like everyone round here seems to think is normal but l do have very strong senses with women and they seem to know it an pick it up at a glance too. So l get a lot of funny things happen when l'm out and about l could tell 100s of examples. So although l don't flirt or bs on some of the things are really nice but they've just happened so to speak. Not bitter in the slightest l think this thing that goes on between total strangers sometimes is a beautiful perfectly natural thing and it's just mind boggling how strong it is . All l was saying though is l wouldn't take 99% of them seriously though if l was looking , if that makes any sense.

ps , that's really cute the way you describe things with this guy you've met,

 

 

 

 

Edited June 6, 2021 by chillii

[chillii]

On 5/23/2021 at 1:31 AM, poppyfields said:

Fair enough, but the window is at least something, you may still get rejected.  She is married, has boyfriend, can't be bothered, lol, whatever. 

Cold approaching without, at the very least a small window, is the kiss of death, it will usually result in rejection.

There are always exceptions though, I'm just speaking in the general. 

 

Oh yeah for sure , if he see's someone he at least wants something , some sign , def' and those things are a huge help,

Although from some stories women tell , a lot of guys won't even wait for those , must be a funny business being female sometimes.