How long it's usually to make a relationship official?

[dontknowwhattofeel]

For me, i think 2 or 3 months is enough to get to know each other.

I already know her for 2 years before. We become best friend for 2 years since 2018.
And in 2020 August, we decided to be in a romantic relationship but not yet official.
1. in august 2020, she said that she need some healing from her past relationship. In this healing process, she didnt even said that she loves me.
2. in December 2020 (after 4 months), finally she moved on and healed. She said that she loves me too. But, we can't make the relationship official yet. She need more time. she said, maybe on April on her birthday.
3. On Valentine 2021, I asked her,  can we make it official faster? she said no and she said, she need more time. Minimal 6 months. and it is 6 months (which is 10 months from the first time we agreed to be in romantic relationship) from the first time she said that she loves me. So she want to make it official on July or august. 
4. she keep it that way until now. every time i asked why? she always answered with ambiguous answer, like: it's not the time yet, she need minimal 6 months.
5. I keep asking, even begging to her. if we cant make it official, at least can we post our picture together? (FYI, until now, she also didnt want anyone to know that we have a romantic relationship, her reason is the same. its not time yet). She always said no. on the other side, she can post intimate picture with other man in her social media. she said they are only her friends. but we know, that they have fallen for her in the past. or post how she adore some random tiktoker or celebgram. but never mine. she also like to post things that i gave to her, like flower, food, etc, but she never tagged me.
6. i always ask, are you really really didnt want everybody know about us? are you ashamed of me? or what? she never gave clear answer. like, its not the time yet, just wait, etc.

its making me frustrate. is it need 10 months to make relationship official? i have asked several friends, and they said its too long. they only need 3 to 5 months max. i know every body is different, but she didnt even give me a leeway. she stick to her rule (which is changed overtime).

and how about the social media post things? any insight from you guys?
She knows that i really really dont like when she post other man. but she did it again and again.
 

Edited May 16, 2021 by dontknowwhattofeel

[elaine567]

Walk.
She is playing you for a fool.

[Wiseman2]

What do you mean by "official"?

Have you met in person?

[dontknowwhattofeel]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

What do you mean by "official"?

Have you met in person?

officially become gf and bf?
right now we have no status. just like normal friend with more feeling for each other.

Yes ofc. I have met her. i have become her bestie for 2 years since 2018. and we decided to have a romantic relationship on august 2020.

[introverted1]

Sounds like you are her side piece.

If, after 10 months, she is not willing to be your gf and/or make it official and/or post pictures of you together, I think the answer is clear:  you need to move on.

[Guildford]

Hell, I proposed to my wife within ten months after meeting her.

[d0nnivain]

Especially because you two knew each other before you started dating you should have officially been BF/GF by September 2020.  For her to be ducking & weaving, claiming she still needs time after 10 months is her stringing you along.  She will never commit to you.  She is playing you for a fool, taking advantage of your feelings for her.  She's not a nice person nor is she being fair to you.  You stroke her ego while she looks for a guy she really wants to date.  She has no respect for you. 

So officially be done.  

[ShyViolet]

She is playing games with you, and you are allowing it.  Don't ever beg.  If someone doesn't show with their actions that they truly want to be with you, then walk away.  This girl does not truly want to be with you.  It sounds like she is probably seeing someone else and that's why she's refusing to commit to you after all this time. 

[Calmandfocused]

This is ridiculous on her part. 
 

If it looks, walks and talks like a duck, it’s a duck. She IS in a relationship with you, irrespective how she “labels” it. 

What’s troubling here is that she doesn’t or won’t accept your relationship.This strongly indicates that she wants the freedom of a single person and do whatever she pleases, with whom ever she pleases. 
 

Subsequently her lack of acknowledgment regarding her relationship with you is disrespectful and demoralising. 

However, YOU need to accept that your acceptance of her disrespect is on you. You’d do well to have better boundaries. 

She doesn’t want to accept and acknowledge that she’s in a committed relationship with you? Fine, show her the door and give her her freedom. 
 

She can’t have it both ways. There is no in between after 10 months. 

[dontknowwhattofeel]

8 hours ago, dontknowwhattofeel said:

For me, i think 2 or 3 months is enough to get to know each other.

I already know her for 2 years before. We become best friend for 2 years since 2018.
And in 2020 August, we decided to be in a romantic relationship but not yet official.
1. in august 2020, she said that she need some healing from her past relationship. In this healing process, she didnt even said that she loves me.
2. in December 2020 (after 4 months), finally she moved on and healed. She said that she loves me too. But, we can't make the relationship official yet. She need more time. she said, maybe on April on her birthday.
3. On Valentine 2021, I asked her,  can we make it official faster? she said no and she said, she need more time. Minimal 6 months. and it is 6 months (which is 10 months from the first time we agreed to be in romantic relationship) from the first time she said that she loves me. So she want to make it official on July or august. 
4. she keep it that way until now. every time i asked why? she always answered with ambiguous answer, like: it's not the time yet, she need minimal 6 months.
5. I keep asking, even begging to her. if we cant make it official, at least can we post our picture together? (FYI, until now, she also didnt want anyone to know that we have a romantic relationship, her reason is the same. its not time yet). She always said no. on the other side, she can post intimate picture with other man in her social media. she said they are only her friends. but we know, that they have fallen for her in the past. or post how she adore some random tiktoker or celebgram. but never mine. she also like to post things that i gave to her, like flower, food, etc, but she never tagged me.
6. i always ask, are you really really didnt want everybody know about us? are you ashamed of me? or what? she never gave clear answer. like, its not the time yet, just wait, etc.

its making me frustrate. is it need 10 months to make relationship official? i have asked several friends, and they said its too long. they only need 3 to 5 months max. i know every body is different, but she didnt even give me a leeway. she stick to her rule (which is changed overtime).

and how about the social media post things? any insight from you guys?
She knows that i really really dont like when she post other man. but she did it again and again.
 

a little update. 50 min ago, i texted her, whether she really want to be with me or not? why her acts didn't show that she want to be with me?
and then I called her. I called her for 50 times! literally 50 times, and she declined each of my phone call. She said that she was on the phone with her friends. I asked, can she postpone her call and talk with me? this is important things to talk to. She said she cant (she already read my chat) and that she already had another appointment after this.

FYI, everytime we were on the phone or video call, when someone else called her, she never decline them. and she declined my phone 50 times.
and if someone texted her, she quickly replied their text and left me hanging there. just then, she didnt reply my text, didnt answer my question, didnt response my feeling. she just said, that she cant talk right now.

why am i such a simp.

[dontknowwhattofeel]

thank you for all of your reply. 
My heart is broken now. really need time to really realize that i need to move on.

[d0nnivain]

I don't know why you are a simp but you have to stop. 

A few life lessons: 

1.  Never text about important emotional stuff. 

2.  NEVER call somebody 50x.  Don't even call 5x unless it is a matter of life & death.   Seriously.  The only time I ever made multiple calls to someone was after my father had & accident & was being wheeled into emergency brain surgery.  My husband was on a business trip in classes & meetings  but I needed him so I kept calling.  After an hour when I still hadn't heard back I called his boss in a different state who called down to the training & had him dragged out but that WAS life & death.  My father ended up dying.  Short of that 2 calls over 2 days, max. If you don't get an answer, that is an answer.  You're done. 

This woman has clearly demonstrated you don't matter to her.  Matter to yourself & end this.  I'm sorry your heart is broken but once you get away from her you will heal & move forward  

 

[lover_lover]

She has no respect for you man. 

[smackie9]

I get it we desire most what we can't have. You have to realize if they don't acknowledge your status, you kick them to the curb because they are just using you. There is no enjoyment being in that position no matter how hard your try to convince them. Hope you learn from his experience and be more cautious next time when getting involved with someone. Self worth and confidence is what you need to have.

[Miss Spider]

Yea you’re being played. You’re her  mr right now 

Edited May 16, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, dontknowwhattofeel said:

i have become her bestie for 2 years since 2018. and we decided to have a romantic relationship on august 2020.

Unfortunately, it seems a lot like the friendzone, if it hasn't progressed past besties.

[usa1ah]

13 hours ago, dontknowwhattofeel said:

officially become gf and bf?
right now we have no status. just like normal friend with more feeling for each other.

Yes ofc. I have met her. i have become her bestie for 2 years since 2018. and we decided to have a romantic relationship on august 2020.

Is she dating others? Is that why she doesn’t want to make it official. 
 

Is your relationship exclusive?

[usa1ah]

At least you know the truth now. 

[TrueGuy]

Your relationship becomes official when the girl asks you to be her exclusive boyfriend. If she doesn't do that, then she probably isn't interested in you. Usually after about 10 weeks of dating, if she is really attracted to you she will say something like: "Are you seeing other girls?" or "Where do you see our relationship going?"

Has she asked you these kinds of questions? 

If I were you I would stop chasing this girl. She doesn't sound like she has a high attraction for you at all. Hold back a little bit and stop making yourself so available. A girl that has high attraction level for you would want to be your girlfriend like right now, not in 6 months, not even in 6 days. 

[Miss Peach]

I think 1-3 months is a reasonable timeframe. And don't call someone 50+ times in a row. I've been on the other side of that and it's creepy and isn't helping your case.

[spiderowl]

I agree with you, OP, that everyone is different when it comes to commitment.  For some 1-3 months would be way too soon; for others it would be a dealbreaker if they did not know where they stood within a month.

If she still does not feel ready for commitment, then it is up to you to judge if she ever will be.  From what you have said so far, I would say, no, she is not going to make any kind of public commitment so best not to wait around hoping.

Just from reading your messages I get the impression that your girlfriend does not respect you.  If she is cutting you off to speak to others, that is rude.  She is ignoring you a lot of the time and you are accepting that by staying with her despite this.

If you were being needy and clingy from the start, asking her to commit to you, then this might have put her off.  It sounds to me like she has been keeping you at a distance for a while.  You say you rang her 50 times.  While I can understand that this is an issue that really matters to you, such behaviour is excessive and extreme.  If a guy rang me that many times for something that was not a life or death situation, I would finish with him right then.  It is just too demanding and stalkery.

There is a difference between getting the attention and care you would be entitled to as a boyfriend and demanding or pestering for it.  If you are not getting what you need from a relationship, then walk away from it.  You need to respect yourself.  What you don't seem to realise is that your absence sends a message to her that no amount of pestering would - that you do not have time for her if she messes you around.

Some men get more and more demanding and clingy if they feel they are not getting the attention they need or are losing their girlfriend.  This is because they are trying to control her.  The most powerful thing they can do in a situation where they feel insecure and uncared for is to walk away.  You are attached to this girl at the moment, but you can detach from her and gradually become ready to meet someone else instead.  While it might not feel like the best solution to the problem to you, in the long run it is.  

Walk and find someone better.

 

Edited May 20, 2021 by spiderowl

[Miss Peach]

13 hours ago, spiderowl said:

I agree with you, OP, that everyone is different when it comes to commitment.  For some 1-3 months would be way too soon; for others it would be a dealbreaker if they did not know where they stood within a month.

 

Different people mean different things by the word commitment. Some mean exclusivity and some mean marriage. But if they couldn't give me some assurance they were not interested in seeing other people and giving things a shot then IMO it's time to move on. You're not asking for much at that point. You can go slowly on other things like time spent together, sex, etc. but you should both be on the same page about liking each other by that point.

[SumGuy]

43 minutes ago, Miss Peach said:

Different people mean different things by the word commitment. Some mean exclusivity and some mean marriage. But if they couldn't give me some assurance they were not interested in seeing other people and giving things a shot then IMO it's time to move on. You're not asking for much at that point. You can go slowly on other things like time spent together, sex, etc. but you should both be on the same page about liking each other by that point.

Exactly, at least for me want to know very soon we are sleeping only with each other, she doesn't need to "love" me or call me anything in particular. 

 

@dontknowwhattofeelDon't really know what "official" means, I suspect it has to do with status on social media (a big bane and source of pain in my view for relationships)...she may not want to be gf but whatever status she has should convey not single.   You really are a FWB it seems and she wants to keep all her options open so sounds like she intentionally keeps your relationship hidden if she would normally post pics of you two together, etc. 

Though it sounds like you are in love, can you be cool with FWB?  And try to meet and see other women?  That is a win-win...as she may reevaluate your relationship when the chance of you finding someone else becomes real and even if she doesn't eventually you will find someone who wants to be official.  

Your behavior to date though is only making her more likely to keep with FWB or block you all together.  You can't pressure someone into being official.  Say your piece once, then maybe once every 6 months max, then learn to live with it.  Certainly blowing up their phone is never good.  

I wouldn't even suggest you dump her...what's to dump?  You have a FWB situation and she has repeatedly made clear she wants no strings attached...despite your unending offers/requests.  So go with that, give her space, start dating others, when or if she reaches out I'd personally apologize for the pressure and blowing up her phone and just say I really was in love with you and it drove me to want to know before accepting we are just FWB.  Accept you are FWB, put her on the back burner.  As said above, my belief is this is the best strategy overall even if what you want the most is for her to desire you like you her, but don't hold your breath.  Date, have fun, meet someone better.

[LoopyLoop99]

Anything longer than 6 months is a a bit weird

 

why casually date someone or not be "official" ?????????

 

just wasting each others times even if they tell you they are not seeing anyone else and are exclusive why can't they put a label on it? so they can have you for comfort until something better comes along?

disgrace

[LoopyLoop99]

These 'pseudo relationships'  are really bad, they never work out

usually someone likes someone more than the other 

it's a big red flag and i would't be comfortable with it. Either we are together and official or not. Not this 'casual, or exclusive but not official or you're my girl./my man but you're not my girlfriend/boyfriend etc etc

if there are these weird games going on its just silly. imo and alreayd shows that it's not genuine.