How do you feel months to years after the end of your affair?

[SSE]

I was a single OW who had an on and off affair for several years with a MM. We’re in NC for several months (almost a year) now.

I know it was the right thing to do because the situation was killing me. I still experience moments of crying. Not a day goes by without thinking about the past. I still feel pain. My feelings for the MM were quite intense. He was my first experience with men and love. I try to fight my thoughts, however experience taught me it’s better to let those feelings be instead of suppressing them.

I'm curious: how do you feel months/years after your affair has ended? Do you (sometimes) still cry? Do you still feel such pain? Do you still think about it? My question is mainly for the OW/OM out here, but if a MW/MM wants to answer, please do! In my case, the MM didn’t genuinely love or even care about me and told me he doesn't mind never hearing me again when I wanted NC. So yes, he doesn’t feel any pain or misses me, buy maybe your experience is different? 

I also have a question in particular for the single OW/OM here who ended their affair and entered a new relationship. When did you decide to start dating again? I recently went on a couple of dates with a guy I met online. He seems a great guy and told me he likes me a lot. I like him as well and I like being with him. I do however still have those painful feelings about the past. I’m not fully healed, but on the other hand, I also don’t want to wait years to start dating again. What’s your experience?

And I also wonder what your feelings are towards your new partner? My feelings towards the MM were very intense. I actually liked him for months before we started the affair and those feelings became more intense during the affair. Personally I think these feelings I had towards him were beautiful, but also destructive because he didn’t feel the same way. However, I would like to experience those feelings again for someone new who does feel the same way, but I don’t know if that’s possible? I don’t know if it’s realistic to expect that? 

[NYAG]

1 hour ago, SSE said:

I was a single OW who had an on and off affair for several years with a MM. We’re in NC for several months (almost a year) now.

I know it was the right thing to do because the situation was killing me. I still experience moments of crying. Not a day goes by without thinking about the past. I still feel pain. My feelings for the MM were quite intense. He was my first experience with men and love. I try to fight my thoughts, however experience taught me it’s better to let those feelings be instead of suppressing them.

I'm curious: how do you feel months/years after your affair has ended? Do you (sometimes) still cry? Do you still feel such pain? Do you still think about it? My question is mainly for the OW/OM out here, but if a MW/MM wants to answer, please do! In my case, the MM didn’t genuinely love or even care about me and told me he doesn't mind never hearing me again when I wanted NC. So yes, he doesn’t feel any pain or misses me, buy maybe your experience is different? 

I also have a question in particular for the single OW/OM here who ended their affair and entered a new relationship. When did you decide to start dating again? I recently went on a couple of dates with a guy I met online. He seems a great guy and told me he likes me a lot. I like him as well and I like being with him. I do however still have those painful feelings about the past. I’m not fully healed, but on the other hand, I also don’t want to wait years to start dating again. What’s your experience?

And I also wonder what your feelings are towards your new partner? My feelings towards the MM were very intense. I actually liked him for months before we started the affair and those feelings became more intense during the affair. Personally I think these feelings I had towards him were beautiful, but also destructive because he didn’t feel the same way. However, I would like to experience those feelings again for someone new who does feel the same way, but I don’t know if that’s possible? I don’t know if it’s realistic to expect that? 

I have learned to not get emotionally involved with someone who is not available so when these relationships end for whatever reason (casual/FWB/affair), I move on. It's a skill that's hard to learn I guess and depends on your own temperament, but I would never get involved with someone I could lose my heart to because the end result of being in an affair with someone who is married or anyone who isn't truly available to you, is always the same. I have no feelings when I think back. And years of poor monogamous relationships with available people eroded my trust in and emotional connection to people. I'm still on stepping stones back to whether or not I can have a proper relationship with a single person. I'm not there yet but I like intimacy, connection and the physical aspects so I have found a 'happy' medium whilst I work things out. I refuse to be celibate until I decide I am ready to commit to one person.

[Stupidkupid]

For me, I started casually dating after 6 months but serious therapy in that period too. I felt honesty was best with my dates regarding the casual dating (going out, meeting, if it leads to something then okay but not what I was looking for). 

It took probably a year to be over the affair in so much as I rarely thought about MM. I didn't cry much after 6 months but thats just me.

Some of my dating after a year was more serious but I remained very cautious and I think you can expect that.

Don't expect the intensity. That is a product of the affair. If you expect and want that, each and every man will fall short.

[denwickdroylsden]

AP was also M, but on the way out.  I was M but deeply discontented.  Dday was triggered by W, at which point I ended things with AP and cut off contact.  My manner in doing this was abrupt and cruel and I came to regret it (not that I ended it but the way I went about it).  W and I are still together and I have not strayed, or come even close to straying, since then.  I have done a lot of work on myself to be a better person and it sickens me to remember how I was back then.

I reached out to AP 18 months after Dday to make amends.  This gave her a chance to fully vent her anger at me for how I treated her, which I had coming, and fully accept.  She was still a mess from it all.  It served as a reminder to me of how much damage can be done by selfish, duplicitous behavior, not just at the moment but for years later.

The thought of her cross my mind from time to time.  A person I used to know, with whom I was close.  If I let myself play "what might have been" my thoughts could go in all kinds of dangerous directions, so I don't do that.  I've done more than enough harm for one lifetime.

[Syd8]

8 hours ago, SSE said:

I was a single OW who had an on and off affair for several years with a MM. We’re in NC for several months (almost a year) now.

I know it was the right thing to do because the situation was killing me. I still experience moments of crying. Not a day goes by without thinking about the past. I still feel pain. My feelings for the MM were quite intense. He was my first experience with men and love. I try to fight my thoughts, however experience taught me it’s better to let those feelings be instead of suppressing them.

I'm curious: how do you feel months/years after your affair has ended? Do you (sometimes) still cry? Do you still feel such pain? Do you still think about it? My question is mainly for the OW/OM out here, but if a MW/MM wants to answer, please do! In my case, the MM didn’t genuinely love or even care about me and told me he doesn't mind never hearing me again when I wanted NC. So yes, he doesn’t feel any pain or misses me, buy maybe your experience is different? 

I also have a question in particular for the single OW/OM here who ended their affair and entered a new relationship. When did you decide to start dating again? I recently went on a couple of dates with a guy I met online. He seems a great guy and told me he likes me a lot. I like him as well and I like being with him. I do however still have those painful feelings about the past. I’m not fully healed, but on the other hand, I also don’t want to wait years to start dating again. What’s your experience?

And I also wonder what your feelings are towards your new partner? My feelings towards the MM were very intense. I actually liked him for months before we started the affair and those feelings became more intense during the affair. Personally I think these feelings I had towards him were beautiful, but also destructive because he didn’t feel the same way. However, I would like to experience those feelings again for someone new who does feel the same way, but I don’t know if that’s possible? I don’t know if it’s realistic to expect that? 

I still think of the MW I was involved with. I do miss her. I still struggle and it's been 17 years now since I've seen her and 4 years since we stopped talking. All I wanted was for us to be friends going forward. Didn't see the harm in that since she lives a few states away. I've tried to contact her since my girlfriend passed away 2 years ago but have had no luck. So yeah, I still struggle with it because the MW was my first love, first everything. It's rough. I just wish she would write or call me back once in awhile to just talk. Wishful and useless thinking I guess. 

[Stupidkupid]

4 hours ago, Syd8 said:

I still think of the MW I was involved with. I do miss her. I still struggle and it's been 17 years now since I've seen her and 4 years since we stopped talking. All I wanted was for us to be friends going forward. Didn't see the harm in that since she lives a few states away. I've tried to contact her since my girlfriend passed away 2 years ago but have had no luck. So yeah, I still struggle with it because the MW was my first love, first everything. It's rough. I just wish she would write or call me back once in awhile to just talk. Wishful and useless thinking I guess. 

This made me feel really sad.

I hope you have support around you for all you've been through.

[Syd8]

16 hours ago, Stupidkupid said:

This made me feel really sad.

I hope you have support around you for all you've been through.

Thanks. I don't have any support at all. Been going about it alone. 

[SSE]

Thanks for your replies.

I hope some other (single) OW/OM would want to share their experience of a (normal) relationship after their affair. Maybe I’s a good thing I don’t get many replies, meaning they don’t visit LS anymore and have moved on.

I must say this experience has changed my view on love. I don’t want to get married anymore. I want to be as independent as possible in my next relationship. I want to protect myself. I don’t think I can protect myself completely on an emotional level, but for example financially I can. So when he would cheat, I can kick him to the curb without losing my assets. But on the other hand, I wish I didn’t think that way. My trust in love and relationships are not like before the affair.

I don’t hate the MM and I’m sure your OW also doesn’t hate you. I don’t think he’s a bad person, but in my case, he never realized what the effect of his words and actions were. He was my first everything and made it seem like this experience wasn’t that bad at all for me. I even should be thankful because he taught me a hard life/love lesson. Besides, I’m still young and would have another man in no time. Like that was an excuse for treating me the way he did. I am not thankful for the way he treated me. And it’s not because I’m younger that I could be treated that way. I loved him genuinely so I do feel hurt. 

I cannot change the past and I have to accept what happened. But I hope so so so hard I can leave this experience behind me. I will never forget, but I hope the pain and sadness will lessen and maybe even go away. It was my first experience with love, you know. And it was such a bad one. I have no experience with normal break-ups, much less with these kind of break-ups. I hope it doesn’t take me years to reach that stadium of indifference. I hope I can reach that stadium. 

[SS2855]

I can relate @SSE. I’m closing in on almost 3 years with this AP. A lot has changed over the years in this relationship with him in that in large part due to quarantine 2020 we saw little of each other but still maintained contact. Fast forward and while things haven’t completely broken off yet, I think of wanting to often because the highs and lows continue to be too difficult for me. I know this shouldn’t matter to my decision but I too consistently look for stories of hope from women that have left and are now happy. Candidly the part that scares me the most is that I often hear a healthy relationship won’t feel as intoxicating as with the AP (and it makes sense since the illicitness of the affair is what makes it so intoxicating) and it’s not that I won’t settle for not having that feeling, but is the reality then that nothing could ever compare to THAT feeling? And if so, how do we ever move past? So much fear of somehow being incapable of moving on. I’d love to hear those success stories and I so hope they exist. Hugs to you. It’s a brutal ride both during and after I imagine.

[HappyAgain2014]

I’m several years out of an affair. I look back with shame and regret but pride that I ended it. I know it feels real when you’re in it. The feelings are real but the lies and deceit make affairs unsustainable. You get a version of your AP, not the entire person. The isolation that comes with affairs makes it feel intense and so different. It’s the high of doing something wrong and convincing yourself it’s for the right reasons. 
 

If you read some of my old posts, I addressed what made my relationship with my now husband so different. If you don’t accept upfront that you won’t have these wild swings of emotions, it won’t feel the same. That’s the point. Affairs mess with your head. 

 

 

[FMW]

On 5/16/2021 at 3:00 AM, SSE said:

He was my first experience with men and love.

That makes things even more difficult for you.  On top of the intensity that forbidden relationships bring, him being your first has its own heightened level of intensity.

I was involved with a MM for 3 years that began when my own marriage was ending, so the majority of those 3 years I was divorced.  After it ended it took me a few years to be ready for a real relationship, in the meantime I had flirtations and one FWB.  But that was probably in part due to my own failed marriage.

Even though I'm much older than you and had other relationships before, it was difficult to move on, and yes I did have episodes of crying for at least a year.

I'm involved with a great guy now.  No, I don't feel that same intensity, but I am very attached and connected to him in a healthy and happy way.  It's wonderful to never feel hidden, for everyone to know that we are together.  I have something with him that I could never have had with the MM. 

My former MM died recently and I cried and felt grief when I heard.  But he was already just a part of my past, I really have moved past it and I am very grateful.

Be patient with yourself, In time the pain does fade.  Enjoy meeting available men, just don't rush anything.  You'll know when you're ready for a real relationship.  

[Stupidkupid]

There is always plenty of hope out there and lots of OW/OM have moved on.

I dated loads and had a lot of fun, met wonderful men and had moments of intensity, but accepting that those relationships (the A and a normal R) are entirely different beasts. 

I saw @SS2855 note that that's frightening, that the intoxication won't come, and I can't say it absolutely won't but I will say it's unlikely. Because the affair is just not real life. The beauty of a healthy relationship is in the absence of wild intensity, which actually comes from the secrecy, the hiding, the massive high to low and back to high swings in your emotions, there is actual, honest to God affection, trust and love. I wouldn't swap those feelings for anything in the world.

The intensity is great while it's the good kind, but it's actually rarely the good kind in hindsight. It's usually the anxiety kind, the stress kind, the high blood pressure kind. The hormone driven kind. It's not physically or emotionally healthy.

Therapy is the best way to understand that.

What a normal relationship brings is security in the relationship, trust for one and another (a trust tat never genuinely exists in the affair as, well, everyone's lying). And after a while there is a beauty in some of the mundane stuff, the knowing that you partner is coming home to you and choosing you every day, it's lovely. It's better than the intensity because it is stable and real.

[Snakesalive]

I’m 5 months ish out of the affair , 2 months since my last conversation with him which was work related.  
I can honestly say the last 6 months if my life have been the hardest and most painful I’ve ever endured BUT .... I can say after intense therapy I have learnt so much about myself and the therapy has without doubt been my life saver.  I still think about him every day but now I see him In a totally different light . When we ended he did what many others in the situation have done -totally threw me under the bus in so many ways , attempting  to get me to sign a legal non disclosure document when I left the company among other things -I think it was then the realisation that everything that had gone before was simply not real -as I’ve said before the person he really was in the relationship was the one at the end . Some days I still feel angry but some i just put my memories where they belong -in the past . I almost feel sorry for him because I know he hasn’t taken the opportunity for self reflection and that’s a shame . 
So where am I now ? In a much much stronger position mentally;  I have a new career and am focusing on me and getting back to being the person I used to be so I can be the best version of myself and offer that version in my relationships going forward . 

[SSE]

@SS2855, I relate to every word you wrote! I had to do NC because the way he was acting towards me was very hurtful. And yes, I was so scared to do it! But I had to, I was (am) a mess… Even now, I still feel some kind of fear. Realizing he’s gone forever. Never seeing or hearing him again. I know that’s a good thing for me in general, but never is a pretty big and scary word. 

I know what you mean with that feeling. It’s a very intense and actually addictive feeling. The highs felt so good, but the lows, and there were so many lows, just didn’t. Like the posters here say, it’s apparently unlikely we will have that kind of feeling in a normal relationship. It’s good to know for someone like me with no experience with normal relationships. I don’t want to risk losing a great guy because of that feeling for the MM.

But I also hear you, how do you move past that feeling without feeling you're settling? That's the hardest part! I guess I have to keep in mind that I will gain more positives things from a normal relationship where I will be number one. No more extreme highs, but also no more extreme lows. No more hiding and lying. No more waiting when he’s going to call, if he even calls. No more getting pushed down the pavement because you walk too close. I don’t miss those things.

Several people here have said we only see a particular side of the AP. What do you mean with that? Is this their good side or bad side? I ask because I wasn’t treated respectfully, I was mainly good for sex and listing him complaining about the wife. I always suspected she got the good side of him. She never knew anything about what happened.

@Snakesalive, you talk about intense therapy. If I may ask, how many times a week or a month do you go? I go every 3 weeks, I have no option to go for example 1 time a week. Which kind of therapy do you follow?

Thanks for your replies everyone. Makes me feel there’s hope out there. Although it will take a while.

Edited May 20, 2021 by SSE

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, SSE said:

Several people here have said we only see a particular side of the AP. What do you mean with that? Is this their good side or bad side? I ask because I wasn’t treated respectfully, I was mainly good for sex and listing him complaining about the wife. I always suspected she got the good side of him.

Every person is a little different. IIRC your MM was quite disrespectful in many ways and would talk about "filling your holes" and the like. Many men are not like that (although certainly some are) in an affair context or generally. Hopefully in the future you'll see that that sort of behavior is a red flag in ANY partner, unless said completely as a joke.

[Snakesalive]

19 hours ago, SSE said:

@SS2855, I relate to every word you wrote! I had to do NC because the way he was acting towards me was very hurtful. And yes, I was so scared to do it! But I had to, I was (am) a mess… Even now, I still feel some kind of fear. Realizing he’s gone forever. Never seeing or hearing him again. I know that’s a good thing for me in general, but never is a pretty big and scary word. 

I know what you mean with that feeling. It’s a very intense and actually addictive feeling. The highs felt so good, but the lows, and there were so many lows, just didn’t. Like the posters here say, it’s apparently unlikely we will have that kind of feeling in a normal relationship. It’s good to know for someone like me with no experience with normal relationships. I don’t want to risk losing a great guy because of that feeling for the MM.

But I also hear you, how do you move past that feeling without feeling you're settling? That's the hardest part! I guess I have to keep in mind that I will gain more positives things from a normal relationship where I will be number one. No more extreme highs, but also no more extreme lows. No more hiding and lying. No more waiting when he’s going to call, if he even calls. No more getting pushed down the pavement because you walk too close. I don’t miss those things.

Several people here have said we only see a particular side of the AP. What do you mean with that? Is this their good side or bad side? I ask because I wasn’t treated respectfully, I was mainly good for sex and listing him complaining about the wife. I always suspected she got the good side of him. She never knew anything about what happened.

@Snakesalive, you talk about intense therapy. If I may ask, how many times a week or a month do you go? I go every 3 weeks, I have no option to go for example 1 time a week. Which kind of therapy do you follow?

Thanks for your replies everyone. Makes me feel there’s hope out there. Although it will take a while.

Twice weekly therapy with 2 different therapists and lots of reading -face the fear and do it anyway and the self forgiveness handbook he ave been really helpful 

[NYAG]

On 5/20/2021 at 11:44 PM, mark clemson said:

Every person is a little different. IIRC your MM was quite disrespectful in many ways and would talk about "filling your holes" and the like. Many men are not like that (although certainly some are) in an affair context or generally. Hopefully in the future you'll see that that sort of behavior is a red flag in ANY partner, unless said completely as a joke.

I agree. Contrary to popular belief some MMs are actually nice people and don't treat their AP like s***.

[Syre17]

On 5/17/2021 at 9:17 AM, SSE said:

Thanks for your replies.

I hope some other (single) OW/OM would want to share their experience of a (normal) relationship after their affair. Maybe I’s a good thing I don’t get many replies, meaning they don’t visit LS anymore and have moved on.

I must say this experience has changed my view on love. I don’t want to get married anymore. I want to be as independent as possible in my next relationship. I want to protect myself. I don’t think I can protect myself completely on an emotional level, but for example financially I can. So when he would cheat, I can kick him to the curb without losing my assets. But on the other hand, I wish I didn’t think that way. My trust in love and relationships are not like before the affair.

I don’t hate the MM and I’m sure your OW also doesn’t hate you. I don’t think he’s a bad person, but in my case, he never realized what the effect of his words and actions were. He was my first everything and made it seem like this experience wasn’t that bad at all for me. I even should be thankful because he taught me a hard life/love lesson. Besides, I’m still young and would have another man in no time. Like that was an excuse for treating me the way he did. I am not thankful for the way he treated me. And it’s not because I’m younger that I could be treated that way. I loved him genuinely so I do feel hurt. 

I cannot change the past and I have to accept what happened. But I hope so so so hard I can leave this experience behind me. I will never forget, but I hope the pain and sadness will lessen and maybe even go away. It was my first experience with love, you know. And it was such a bad one. I have no experience with normal break-ups, much less with these kind of break-ups. I hope it doesn’t take me years to reach that stadium of indifference. I hope I can reach that stadium. 

I suppose I can offer some insight as I was married, as was my AP, but then I became the single OM as I left my W for her, my AP. In the end, my AP didn’t end up leaving her H…well, she “left” him once while we were “together” and ended up going back to him, but I digress… 

Initially, as a then “single” OM, still seeing her, I felt very conflicted. Part of me wanted to hang in there for her (which was nonsense looking back) but part of me also began thinking and questioning why I was even with her. I began dating and for a while, and felt like I compared everyone to her, which was also nonsense, as our relationship was a house of cards. I think I also sabotaged some relationships because every time my “former” AP would reach out, I’d put whomever I was dating on the back burner. It was not at all a good cycle or way to go about things…obviously. 

Anyway, long story short, I’m not dating anyone and haven’t for a while. Yes, my former AP has reached out a few times over the past couple of years, but I don’t engage her. I don’t even miss her anymore and for some time now, I’ve thought if she showed up on my door today, saying she’d finally left her H, I’d tell her no thanks. It was a long, tough and difficult road and I’ve gotten to a place where I actually love my independence (with no co-dependence) and my life, just flying solo and enjoying my time with family, friends and my hobbies, 

[NYAG]

17 hours ago, Syre17 said:

I suppose I can offer some insight as I was married, as was my AP, but then I became the single OM as I left my W for her, my AP. In the end, my AP didn’t end up leaving her H…well, she “left” him once while we were “together” and ended up going back to him, but I digress… 

Initially, as a then “single” OM, still seeing her, I felt very conflicted. Part of me wanted to hang in there for her (which was nonsense looking back) but part of me also began thinking and questioning why I was even with her. I began dating and for a while, and felt like I compared everyone to her, which was also nonsense, as our relationship was a house of cards. I think I also sabotaged some relationships because every time my “former” AP would reach out, I’d put whomever I was dating on the back burner. It was not at all a good cycle or way to go about things…obviously. 

Anyway, long story short, I’m not dating anyone and haven’t for a while. Yes, my former AP has reached out a few times over the past couple of years, but I don’t engage her. I don’t even miss her anymore and for some time now, I’ve thought if she showed up on my door today, saying she’d finally left her H, I’d tell her no thanks. It was a long, tough and difficult road and I’ve gotten to a place where I actually love my independence (with no co-dependence) and my life, just flying solo and enjoying my time with family, friends and my hobbies, 

Losing interest in, or at least having control over your emotions for the person that once seemed to guide your every waking moment, is liberating. It enables you to see things objectively and not put them first in everything, especially important if you're the AP who isn't leading a double life. As someone who is also single and has been for a while now, if I get mixed up with someone who is in another relationship I have to remain objective and remember they are not the be all and end all of anything. If you're an AP you're always second best. MMs are stop gaps. I don't particularly want to be in a committed 121 relationship with someone at the moment. A lot of that is based on my past experiences and I'm working through things to decide what I ultimately want from a relationship in the future but I am open to different scenarios if they arise although I don't go looking for it.

[Crazelnut]

It's been 5 years for me. I do occasionally think of him/the affair, but never in a positive way. No fond reminiscing -- just deep remorse and disbelief that I was ever that pathetic and stupid.  It doesn't hurt at all anymore, and I've completely moved on.  

[Arrangrl62]

I can now look back and look on it as a very happy period of my life . It didn’t work out but sometimes things don’t . 

[Poppy47]

On 5/25/2021 at 2:52 AM, Crazelnut said:

It's been 5 years for me. I do occasionally think of him/the affair, but never in a positive way. No fond reminiscing -- just deep remorse and disbelief that I was ever that pathetic and stupid.  It doesn't hurt at all anymore, and I've completely moved on.  

I was the OW for  many years.  I look back now and only feel shame and humiliation for putting myself in such a place for so long. The longer it lasted the harder it was to break free. 

When I finally did, life became a whole lot better. I feel free and there is no pain or heartache anymore. 

I never found another relationship and not looking for one.  

[spiritedaway2003]

SSE, I remembered your thread.  Your pain really came through your words.  I remembered your MM was quite disrespectful in how he treated you. Not all MM are like that.  And certainly not all men.  I'm glad you are doing better.  You've come a long way and you should be proud of the progress you've made. 

I won't go into details as I dealt with most of it offline, but I was once in a short affair.  Long story short, I was single. He was a MM. Our paths crossed in a way that neither of us ever expected. After Dday, I left and we went NC. They separated.  There was a lot of emotional trauma, but time has the gift of tempering the more acute guilt and pain. Eventually, with time and distance, we decided to give us a shot.  Contrary to common beliefs, there are no trust issues between us.  In some ways, we've laid bare of who we are, flaws and all.  The connection we had never went away -- he is still the love of my life. Looking back, I deeply regret the hurt and devastation we caused others. This was true then as it is now.  At the same time, I also don't regret my feelings for him. These are not mutually exclusive. My feelings were what they were, and they were the purest forms of love I could have for someone else.  It doesn't change based on the outcome of the relationship.

OP, if you had the capacity to love someone that deeply, you can love again.  That doesn't go away when a relationship ends.  The balance is, and always will be, to not take past hurts and bad habits from one relationship into the next.  Date only when you feel ready to. My own experience had taught me that it would unrealistic to expect the same type of intensity in other relationships. That doesn't mean it can't be a different kind of love. For you, I hope you find one that is loving, open, healthy and reciprocal. 

Edited May 28, 2021 by spiritedaway2003

[RecentChange]

On 5/17/2021 at 9:17 AM, SSE said:

I must say this experience has changed my view on love. I don’t want to get married anymore. I want to be as independent as possible in my next relationship. I want to protect myself. I don’t think I can protect myself completely on an emotional level, but for example financially I can. So when he would cheat, I can kick him to the curb without losing my assets. But on the other hand, I wish I didn’t think that way. My trust in love and relationships are not like before the affair.

You should always strive to be financially independent. And to be a strong individual, rather than codependent.

One of the best pieces of advice my dad ever gave me as a kid was "never expect a man to take care of you".

Because when you have your own money, when you are secure in yourself, you can be in a relationship because you WANT to, not because you have to.

Now, I haven't read your other threads, but from some comments here, it sounds like unfortunately your first taste of "love" was rather dysfunctional and not what a healthy relationship is about.

The first red flag is unrequited love. Love should be about the way someone treats you. How they make you feel good about yourself. How they make you a better person. Their dedicated to, and admiration of you. Love should never be a one way street. What you had with this man, while it may have been intense (affairs tend to make everything intense) was not what love should be.

So please, don't let this bad start ruin your ability to have a healthy relationship in the future. If you can get access, I would REALLY recommend some counseling so that got can better understand why you fell for someone who treated you soo poorly, and equip yourself with the skills to understand what healthy, and unhealthy emotional connections are.

As for cheating, being the other woman and whatnot. I have been with my husband for 20 years now. We have both cheated in the past.

I can't speak for him, but like your married man, I never allowed myself to get emotionally involved with my other man. It's not what it was about. It was about stroking my ego, about indulging myself, it was never about loving "him". I have a feeling your MM was the same with you. 

One of the lessons we all must learn is when to allow our hearts to race, and get lost in the dreams, and when we need to keep our eyes open and feet squarely planted on the ground. Getting involved with cheaters is a time to stick to reality, rather than giving in to those lovely hormones flooding our brains. 

I don't cry for, nor miss my OM. I never allowed myself to get emotionally involved. I miss the sex, but that's it.

And because I am financially secure, in a fiscal position that would allow me to leave at any moment - I would say my marriage is stronger for it. I stay because I WANT to, never because I have to. 

Time for some deep introspection, the deep down WHY you allowed yourself to go down this path. Without finding the real sources (likely prior trauma) you will be bound to repeat this unhealthy type of relationship. 

Forget him, he never cared about you. Time to care about yourself. Because when you really love yourself, know your worth, then you will be ready for a truly fulfilling relationship.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, RecentChange said:

One of the best pieces of advice my dad ever gave me as a kid was "never expect a man to take care of you".

Because when you have your own money, when you are secure in yourself, you can be in a relationship because you WANT to, not because you have to.

Words to live by... My parents taught me the same and my mother’s father taught her the same at a time when it was NOT the prevailing advice to give a daughter. I thank them everyday for encouraging me, requiring me, to learn how to support myself. 

Edited May 28, 2021 by BaileyB