How do you feel months to years after the end of your affair?

[Arrangrl62]

Great advice from wise women ! 

[NYAG]

15 hours ago, RecentChange said:

You should always strive to be financially independent. And to be a strong individual, rather than codependent.

One of the best pieces of advice my dad ever gave me as a kid was "never expect a man to take care of you".

Because when you have your own money, when you are secure in yourself, you can be in a relationship because you WANT to, not because you have to.

Now, I haven't read your other threads, but from some comments here, it sounds like unfortunately your first taste of "love" was rather dysfunctional and not what a healthy relationship is about.

The first red flag is unrequited love. Love should be about the way someone treats you. How they make you feel good about yourself. How they make you a better person. Their dedicated to, and admiration of you. Love should never be a one way street. What you had with this man, while it may have been intense (affairs tend to make everything intense) was not what love should be.

So please, don't let this bad start ruin your ability to have a healthy relationship in the future. If you can get access, I would REALLY recommend some counseling so that got can better understand why you fell for someone who treated you soo poorly, and equip yourself with the skills to understand what healthy, and unhealthy emotional connections are.

As for cheating, being the other woman and whatnot. I have been with my husband for 20 years now. We have both cheated in the past.

I can't speak for him, but like your married man, I never allowed myself to get emotionally involved with my other man. It's not what it was about. It was about stroking my ego, about indulging myself, it was never about loving "him". I have a feeling your MM was the same with you. 

One of the lessons we all must learn is when to allow our hearts to race, and get lost in the dreams, and when we need to keep our eyes open and feet squarely planted on the ground. Getting involved with cheaters is a time to stick to reality, rather than giving in to those lovely hormones flooding our brains. 

I don't cry for, nor miss my OM. I never allowed myself to get emotionally involved. I miss the sex, but that's it.

And because I am financially secure, in a fiscal position that would allow me to leave at any moment - I would say my marriage is stronger for it. I stay because I WANT to, never because I have to. 

Time for some deep introspection, the deep down WHY you allowed yourself to go down this path. Without finding the real sources (likely prior trauma) you will be bound to repeat this unhealthy type of relationship. 

Forget him, he never cared about you. Time to care about yourself. Because when you really love yourself, know your worth, then you will be ready for a truly fulfilling relationship.

All this. Never ever be codependent. It leaves you vulnerable. Always be financially independent. It means there is always a physical way out. Never get emotionally involved with someone if there is any doubt (ie MMs).

[LAGirl65]

It took a long time of NC and refusal of all his attempts to talk or text.  Blocked on all media but he would change phone numbers etc 

Slowly over time broke contact with all people we had in common.  Went to serious psychotherapy to learn why i woudl allow myself to be treated this way. 

Now, totally doing great, have moved in with my current BF of 1.5 years and we are healthy in how we relate to each other.  

 

Take time to grieve. Get help if you can't do it alone.  You will heal.    

[SSE]

Hey @LAGirl65

thanks for answering my thread! It gives hope to know people can heal from this experience ❤️

I hope you don't mind me asking, but how does it feel with your current boyfriend? Does it feel different compared to how you felt during the affair?

I'm having a bad day today. I still feel so sad after everything that has happened. There was never a D-Day, but I feel like I was used as some kind of crutch to fill the voids his wife couldn't fill. It still hurts so so much. Did you also got rid of that pain? Even after almost 1 year, I still feel it. 

 

[Maria1956]

I’m 3 months out of mine and still struggling (3 year affair) His W found out, we continued seeing each other but he was treating me so appallingly that I ended things and deleted his number. I take each day as it comes, I’ve started a new hobby that forces me to leave the house and meet up with people. I’ve made some great friends and feel positive for the future. I still cry most days but I know the feelings of sadness will pass in time. The void that has been left is monumental, but I know that if I’d continued in the affair, it would have been devastating for my mental and physical health. I’m working through feelings of not being ‘good enough’, the trauma bond from my childhood and just trying to really hard to avoid triggers.

The first few weeks were impossible, everything reminded me of him and I truly believed I would never get over him. That feeling, although still present to some degree, is getting less. I have days where I want to reach out but I remind myself that towards end all I was getting were the crumbs of crumbs and I’m better than that. Good luck to you x 

[NYAG]

4 hours ago, Maria1956 said:

I’m 3 months out of mine and still struggling (3 year affair) His W found out, we continued seeing each other but he was treating me so appallingly that I ended things and deleted his number. I take each day as it comes, I’ve started a new hobby that forces me to leave the house and meet up with people. I’ve made some great friends and feel positive for the future. I still cry most days but I know the feelings of sadness will pass in time. The void that has been left is monumental, but I know that if I’d continued in the affair, it would have been devastating for my mental and physical health. I’m working through feelings of not being ‘good enough’, the trauma bond from my childhood and just trying to really hard to avoid triggers.

The first few weeks were impossible, everything reminded me of him and I truly believed I would never get over him. That feeling, although still present to some degree, is getting less. I have days where I want to reach out but I remind myself that towards end all I was getting were the crumbs of crumbs and I’m better than that. Good luck to you x 

It takes time. You are doing things the right way so you're allowed to be kind to yourself and know that you are heading in the right direction. If nothing else you will spot if this happens again. It's a good learning curve for anyone.

[SSE]

I don’t know what’s wrong with me 😢

I have a BF now. He treats me much better than MM ever did. However, my BF has a lower libido and when he doesn’t initiate sex I get annoyed. With MM I never had to initiate, with my BF I almost always have to initiate and it bothers me. It makes me feel less desirable. I communicate about the way I feel, but it doesn’t change much. And then I think of MM. That I wouldn’t have this situation with him. I begin to miss him and start to doubt my relationship.

What should I do? Search for a new BF with a higher libido? Will that make me feel better and stop comparing with MM? Or search for a man where I feel the same way as I did with MM? Can I find that? I know MM didn’t want me. Trust me, I tell myself all the time I was nothing more than a side piece. I know he doesn’t think of me and definitely is not missing me. I will not contact him again because I know a circle of pain will restart. I don’t want that anymore.  

But I did love him. Cannot explain it rationally, it’s a feeling I have towards him. Most of the time he wasn’t respectful towards me, but even now, I still don’t feel any anger towards him. Only pain and sadness. And also that feeling of love, even after 1 year. That feeling sabotages me so much and I want it gone. I don’t want to love him anymore. So is staying with my BF or even searching for a new lover a good idea while still having that feeling? IDK. Will/can that feeling ever go away? IDK. 

I also feel some urge to win from him (MM). You maybe will call me crazy now, but MM always bragged about his money and made hurtful jokes about the fact I remained single during the affair. I cannot win from him in the money category, but I always thought I could mean something in the relationship category as in also having a good, healthy relationship and family in the future. But I can’t, even though I have a normal relationship now, I still think of MM. It makes me think that he will always have a better life than me. My BF has no higher education, has a simple job, doesn’t earn that much and has dyslexia. If MM knew, I’m quite sure he would feel so much better because he has more money and has no problems with reading or writing. MM also made some hurtful comments about his wife’s ex-BF who also was some simple guy. I know it sounds crazy that I want to win from MM, but he made me feel worthless with his actions and comments and actually still does. And at the same time, I still feel some kind of love for that same person. How strange is that?

Maybe the best way to win from him, is to never have contact again, leave this experience behind me and live a good life. But I can’t seem to do that. I want to move forward, I really do. I want to have a good healthy relationship and hopefully a family of my own someday. I want to think and feel healthy. I really do. I want MM gone. He’s already gone from my phone, but now he also needs to be gone in my mind. But he isn’t and I don’t know how I can achieve that. Time alone doesn’t seem to help me. Therapy doesn't seem to work either. I feel very much stuck.

[stillafool]

Of course MM is going to initiate the sex.  That is what he's there for.  He isn't spending 24-48 hours and then going home.  He has a shorter window to get laid.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, SSE said:

What should I do? Search for a new BF with a higher libido?

If you are very dissatisfied, then yes. You may not be sexually compatible. But, before you do that do some serious self reflection. How often does he initiate sex? I ask because, there is a range of what is normal and acceptable for people. You have had a hyper sexualized relationship - so this is what you think is normal. It is not. What you have with your BF may well be normal, you just don’t realize it because you had a very atypical first sexual relationship.

The other things - be careful that you are not equating initiating sex/frequency of sex with your attractiveness to him which which = you own feelings or lack there of of self esteem/self worth. Just because he’s not sexualizing you the way your MM did (and let’s be honest - he sexualized you in a very inappropriate way that you got very wrongly mixed up with love and affection), does not mean that he does not have feelings for you or that you are not attractive, not loved, not worthy. 

2 hours ago, SSE said:

Will that make me feel better and stop comparing with MM?

Yes. No relationship is going to match the intensity of the feelings you experienced with MM for so many reasons - he was your first sexual experience, it was a hyper sexual relationship, and it was very dysfunctional. People who have unhealthy, dysfunctional relationships often have difficulty “settling” for a normal, healthy relationship because they are used to the extreme emotion and drama of their dysfunctional pal relationships. 

My advice to you - instead of focusing on the things you believe to be “missing,” appreciate the things that you have. Is he a good man and does he treat you well? Do you have fun with him and does being with him bring your joy? And, do you want to kiss him - if you answer yes to all those questions, keep dating the man! Be grateful that you have found someone who loves you and wants to be with you! 

You are not stuck!! You have made a lot of progress, I see that in your posts. But, you continue to romanticize this man and you need to stop doing that! Like anyone who has experienced a breakup, you need to accept that it was not going to work out (for obvious reasons), let it go and move on… Keep talking with your counsellor - let them guide you to understand what is normal and healthy in a (sexual) relationship. 

Edited June 30, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, SSE said:

I have a BF now. He treats me much better than MM ever did. However, my BF has a lower libido and when he doesn’t initiate sex I get annoyed. With MM I never had to initiate, with my BF I almost always have to initiate and it bothers me. It makes me feel less desirable. I communicate about the way I feel, but it doesn’t change much. And then I think of MM. That I wouldn’t have this situation with him. I begin to miss him and start to doubt my relationship.

When he doesn’t initiate sex, you feel less desirable, and this affects your opinion of yourself and your relationship. 

This is not an unreasonable thought, there are many people on this site who’s partners never initiate sex and they talk about how this affects their self esteem and their relationship. 

The difference here - you expect your boyfriend to intimate sex in the same way that your MM initiated sex - and that’s not realistic. Your MM’s sole purpose with you was to initiate sex - that was the foundation and the very reason for your relationship (from his perspective). Based on your previous posts, he viewed you/used you as a sex object. His purpose in seeing you, was to have sex. Your boyfriend obviously has a different purpose, he cares about you as a person. He wants to have companionship, he wants to share life with you, he wants to talk with you and laugh with you… sex is just one aspect of the relationship - it is not the most important thing, certainly not in the same way that it was for your MM. 

[NYAG]

3 hours ago, SSE said:

I don’t know what’s wrong with me 😢

I have a BF now. He treats me much better than MM ever did. However, my BF has a lower libido and when he doesn’t initiate sex I get annoyed. With MM I never had to initiate, with my BF I almost always have to initiate and it bothers me. It makes me feel less desirable. I communicate about the way I feel, but it doesn’t change much. And then I think of MM. That I wouldn’t have this situation with him. I begin to miss him and start to doubt my relationship.

What should I do? Search for a new BF with a higher libido? Will that make me feel better and stop comparing with MM? Or search for a man where I feel the same way as I did with MM? Can I find that? I know MM didn’t want me. Trust me, I tell myself all the time I was nothing more than a side piece. I know he doesn’t think of me and definitely is not missing me. I will not contact him again because I know a circle of pain will restart. I don’t want that anymore.  

But I did love him. Cannot explain it rationally, it’s a feeling I have towards him. Most of the time he wasn’t respectful towards me, but even now, I still don’t feel any anger towards him. Only pain and sadness. And also that feeling of love, even after 1 year. That feeling sabotages me so much and I want it gone. I don’t want to love him anymore. So is staying with my BF or even searching for a new lover a good idea while still having that feeling? IDK. Will/can that feeling ever go away? IDK. 

I also feel some urge to win from him (MM). You maybe will call me crazy now, but MM always bragged about his money and made hurtful jokes about the fact I remained single during the affair. I cannot win from him in the money category, but I always thought I could mean something in the relationship category as in also having a good, healthy relationship and family in the future. But I can’t, even though I have a normal relationship now, I still think of MM. It makes me think that he will always have a better life than me. My BF has no higher education, has a simple job, doesn’t earn that much and has dyslexia. If MM knew, I’m quite sure he would feel so much better because he has more money and has no problems with reading or writing. MM also made some hurtful comments about his wife’s ex-BF who also was some simple guy. I know it sounds crazy that I want to win from MM, but he made me feel worthless with his actions and comments and actually still does. And at the same time, I still feel some kind of love for that same person. How strange is that?

Maybe the best way to win from him, is to never have contact again, leave this experience behind me and live a good life. But I can’t seem to do that. I want to move forward, I really do. I want to have a good healthy relationship and hopefully a family of my own someday. I want to think and feel healthy. I really do. I want MM gone. He’s already gone from my phone, but now he also needs to be gone in my mind. But he isn’t and I don’t know how I can achieve that. Time alone doesn’t seem to help me. Therapy doesn't seem to work either. I feel very much stuck.

You need to be compatible in all ways. Hint: if you're not that's how affairs start. So if you don't have compatibility in this with your BF and it clearly is affecting your relationship then I would say move on. There are plenty of single men who won't need you to initiate sex.

[SSE]

My BF is a good person. I know he loves me and he is my support. I'm by nature an anxious person who worries quickly and a lot. My BF knows how to handle that, he shows me a kind of empathy MM never showed me. I don't know if many men can handle being with an anxious person. I's not that I'm freaking out all the time and I don't need to take medication, but I'm easily stressed and then I need someone who tells me everything will be fine and gives me a hug. I also feel (very) insecure because of all the things MM said and did which makes me question my BF. Sometimes I just cannot believe that my BF loves me. I was never good enough for my dad (a lot of comments), not for MM (he never picked me), so why would another man pick me? Some weird thinking, but it does slip my mind. 

But I do miss something. That kind of feeling I had when I was with MM. I don't always feel that much for my BF because of those lingering feelings for MM. They are really sabotaging me. They make me feel less for someone that does treat me right. I want those feelings gone, but don't know how. I tell myself often that I'm better off without MM, however those feelings are still there. If he showed up divorced, I would have a hard time saying no. I know that will never happen, but it shows I'm still invested in him. Will those feelings ever go away? Or maybe they can reach some kind of level where you don't pine for that person anymore and can love another? Do I need to search a new boyfriend hoping I will feel more for him than for my current BF? IDK. 

What do you mean with romanticizing MM? He didn't treat me well, but I do think he's a good father and I just cannot believe he treats his wife like he did me. He did cheat, but her feelings were protected, not mine. I'm sure he never made such hurtful jokes towards her. They seem happy on their FB pics. I think he can treat you right if he cares for you. Unfortunately, he didn't care for me. Is this what you mean? Is this thinking so wrong? 

I must say, sometimes I do feel some kind of anger in the form of wanting to win from him if that makes any sense. He often joked that I was still single. The worst joke was when he told me I'm such a desperate woman that I would get myself pregnant from a drunk stranger I met in a bar so at least I could have a child. MM will never know, but having a loving BF and hopefully a family would mean for me that I won in some way, you know? But I don't know if it matters, perhaps the best thing that can happen is getting indifferent. Even if I would not have that BF and/or family, that I just don't care that MM wins. I don't want to become a bitter lady. However, no idea how to get to the stage of indifference. 

[BaileyB]

What does your counsellor say about your lingering feelings for MM and your boyfriend? 

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, SSE said:

Will those feelings ever go away?

You can have feelings for someone and still make another decision. You can do exactly as you are doing, tell yourself that you are better without him and turn your attention to the future and what you have that is good in your life at this moment. 

Thoughts and feelings grow when we attend to them and give them value, they tend to disappear and become less important when we don’t.

5 hours ago, SSE said:

What do you mean with romanticizing MM? He didn't treat me well, but I do think he's a good father and I just cannot believe he treats his wife like he did me. He did cheat, but her feelings were protected, not mine. I'm sure he never made such hurtful jokes towards her. They seem happy on their FB pics. I think he can treat you right if he cares for you. Unfortunately, he didn't care for me. Is this what you mean? Is this thinking so wrong? 

Kindly, I’m not going to discuss your MM with you and give attention to your desire to believe he is a good and kind father/man. Frankly, we’ve had this discussion before and it does not help you to let him go… He treated you very badly, he is a terrible person for exactly that reason, and this was a very unhealthy/toxic relationship. 

If I was you, I would thank my lucky stars every night that your boyfriend has been delivered to your life. If you have found a good, kind man who loves you - you are a very lucky woman indeed. I would chose this every day over a MM who said and did such terrible things. I would be so very grateful, to have companionship after so much time spent longing, lonely, and crying… Is he “the one” - I don’t know, only you decide that. But, he is at the very least a very positive step along this journey and he is helping you to recover from the trauma of your emotionally abusive relationship and for that - I hope you are grateful. 

 

Edited July 1, 2021 by BaileyB

[pepperbird2]

On 5/16/2021 at 7:05 AM, Stupidkupid said:

For me, I started casually dating after 6 months but serious therapy in that period too. I felt honesty was best with my dates regarding the casual dating (going out, meeting, if it leads to something then okay but not what I was looking for). 

It took probably a year to be over the affair in so much as I rarely thought about MM. I didn't cry much after 6 months but thats just me.

Some of my dating after a year was more serious but I remained very cautious and I think you can expect that.

Don't expect the intensity. That is a product of the affair. If you expect and want that, each and every man will fall short.

Thank you for being honest with your dates about what you are looking for.

[pepperbird2]

op,

maybe it's just me, but you don't sound like a happy or secure person. It also sounds like you are looking for the missing pieces of yourself and keys to your happiness in a man. I know it's hard ( been there, done that in the past), but changing that will really pay off.

Do some work on yourself. Focus on your career, get involved in activities, go on a retreat- do something, anything that will be  centred on self discovery. Create a life where you are happy in your own skin and place so that you won't be dependent on others for you happiness. This goes beyond finances- make it so that you feel whole on your own and a man will just be the icing on the cake.

[Beentheretoooften]

On 6/30/2021 at 9:53 AM, SSE said:

If MM knew, I’m quite sure he would feel so much better because he has more money and has no problems with reading or writing.

Money is such a poor way to keep score. You can’t give any weight to this at all. I’ve told you this before.  It actually makes him look so pathetic and weak. You are and can do so much better than him. 

[basil67]

On 6/30/2021 at 11:53 PM, SSE said:

I know it sounds crazy that I want to win from MM, but he made me feel worthless with his actions and comments and actually still does. And at the same time, I still feel some kind of love for that same person. How strange is that?

Yes, it is strange that you love your MM when he sounds so horrible.   So perhaps it really isn't love you feel, but something else?  Lust? Infatuation? Desire for something you can't have?

Have you ever allowed yourself to question whether or not you do love him?  Write down each thing which you love about him.  I'm not kidding - give it a try.

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

Yes, it is strange that you love your MM when he sounds so horrible.   So perhaps it really isn't love you feel, but something else?  Lust? Infatuation? Desire for something you can't have?

Have you ever allowed yourself to question whether or not you do love him?  Write down each thing which you love about him.  I'm not kidding - give it a try.

No, this isn’t love. At this point, it seems to be an obsessive thought loop that she plays in her mind again, and again… 

Edited July 2, 2021 by BaileyB

[SSE]

Hey basil, 

you got me thinking... Here are some of the things I came up with.

Things I love about MM:

• He gave me the feeling I was pretty, that I was a sexually attractive woman for the first time in my life
• I found him attractive: handsome man, smart, could be very funny and a lot of confidence
• We had great sex

Things I don't like about MM: 

• I can summarize him with 2 words: sex and money. Those were the main things he talked about. Never really had some deeper conversations with him.
• He could be very funny, but alas, most of the time, his jokes were hurtful. He said I was being too sensitive, but I’m quite sure most people wouldn’t find his jokes funny. Most of his jokes made him look better than someone else or made the other look like a loser.
• Could complain a lot about his wife: she doesn’t do much in the household, she tricked me with another baby, she sleeps with the children instead of me, we don’t have much sex. Made himself look like a victim, also at work. 
• Never gave me the feeling he genuinely cared for me, except in the beginning of our affair. 
• Gets mad easily and doesn't like criticism 

He was like that during almost the entire time of our affair. Makes me think that this is his character. But at the same time, I assume he does have a loving and caring side. He has had multiple long-term relationships. He and his wife are together for more than a decade, they look after 2 little children, have pet names for eachother, happy family pics,... I assume he does have a nice side which sadly I never got to see (it's an assumption, don't know if it's true). And that makes me question my worth. In his eyes, I was nothing special. To me, he was special. I know that will never happen, but sometimes I wish he would say I was more than just some sex. That he misses me as well. That I was worth something, you know? 

I do get that confirmation from my BF, but it seems that I also need it from MM. Which will never come I know rationally. I also miss the great sex. I do not miss all the other stuff. I sometimes wonder how a real relationship with MM would look like. Would he still talk that much about money? Would he still make such hurtful comments? Would he care then? Or would I be treated just the same? I guess you can never know, I only got to see one side of him, who knows what he's like at home, at his job,... Maybe he's different there? IDK and probably never will. 

I think that's something that makes me feel stuck. Assuming he has a good side but that I wasn't good, interesting, whatever enough to get to see that side. I was very much in love with him, even before the affair started. He was nice and funny (not mean funny), but also made sexual comments, probably to test the waters. I fell for it and he did change after I was hooked. However, that feeling of love is still there, I cannot explain it basil. I don't know if it's something else. 

Oh God, I must sound like a crazy woman 🙈 I need to let go, but don't know how. 

[BaileyB]

25 minutes ago, SSE said:

Hey basil, 

you got me thinking... Here are some of the things I came up with.

Things I love about MM:

• He gave me the feeling I was pretty, that I was a sexually attractive woman for the first time in my life
• I found him attractive: handsome man, smart, could be very funny and a lot of confidence
• We had great sex

SSE - this isn’t love. 

He boosted your self esteem and gave you validation that you had never experienced in this way before. 
The things you “love” about the man are rather superficial qualities about the man that you found attractive in return.
And then, you had a sexual relationship. 

Love, is so much more than sex and finding each other physically attractive. Love is what you share with your boyfriend - a genuine feeling of care and concern for the other person. His feelings and opinions are important to you. His needs come before your needs. Spending time together, content to be in each other’s company even when you are doing nothing.

Love is so much bigger than “he is handsome and we have great sex - and the fact that we do makes me feel good about myself!” Truthfully, one could say the same about a friends with benefit - someone with whom they have casual sex. That’s not love. 

25 minutes ago, SSE said:

Assuming he has a good side but that I wasn't good, interesting, whatever enough to get to see that side.

That is an incorrect assumption, and this statement reflects your feelings about yourself, your self worth. This is not about him, it’s about you. 

25 minutes ago, SSE said:

was very much in love with him, even before the affair started.

You were attracted to him. You were infatuated with him.

This is more of a self esteem/self worth problem than anything else. You have equated this man and the attention that he showed you with love - only because his attention was very affirming for your self esteem. Feel better about yourself and these feelings of “love” will likely disappear… 

Edited July 2, 2021 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

On 7/1/2021 at 3:45 AM, SSE said:

But I do miss something. That kind of feeling I had when I was with MM. I don't always feel that much for my BF because of those lingering feelings for MM. They are really sabotaging me. They make me feel less for someone that does treat me right. I want those feelings gone, but don't know how

I think you need to break up with yor bf since you admit to having lingering feelings for MM that are sabotaging your relationship.  You aren't ready yet.  You need to get into counseling and work those feelings out with a professional.  Forum are great but constantly discussing MM without professional guidance is just keeping him in your head, heart and mind.  This guy you're with is just a place holder and doesn't stand a chance.  It's not fair to him.

[BaileyB]

16 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I think you need to break up with yor bf since you admit to having lingering feelings for MM that are sabotaging your relationship.  You aren't ready yet.  You need to get into counseling and work those feelings out with a professional.  Forum are great but constantly discussing MM without professional guidance is just keeping him in your head, heart and mind.  This guy you're with is just a place holder and doesn't stand a chance.  It's not fair to him.

It would be a shame, because it sounds like this has the potential to be a good relationship for you. But, you are sabotaging the relationship. And no, it does not help you to continue to post about this MM. You are making progress in that you are doing the “right” things but you are not there yet if you continue to focus on this very romanticized version of this MM. It’s not fair to your boyfriend to keep him around if you are not fully invested in the relationship. 

Edited July 2, 2021 by BaileyB

[SSE]

But isn't that how most relationships start? You find eachother funny and attractive? I know I wanted to put MM needs before my own, I even did for some time. Because I was so glad I finally found someone and I didn't want to lose him... Not healthy, I know and I stopped doing that when I realized I got so little in return. Didn't mean I stopped caring. I was genuinely concerned about him when covid hit us. I always knew I loved him more than he loved me. 

I'm sorry Bailey, but I still don't get what you mean with romanticizing him... I know he didn't treat me right. 

My BF knows. I've told him about my lingering feelings, yet he chooses to stay. He doesn't want to break up and leaves the decision in my hands. And I don't know what to do. It's not that I don't like my BF, but I can't give my everything (yet). 

I changed therapists recently because I could only go once every three to four weeks, which was not enough for me. I can see my new therapist weekly if I want, but she's now on vacation. I will see her again in August. 

[BaileyB]

25 minutes ago, SSE said:

I'm sorry Bailey, but I still don't get what you mean with romanticizing him...

You still have this belief that he was a good person, despite the fact that he didn’t treat you well. I see you trying to challenge these thoughts, which is why I say that you have made progress in your recovery from this relationship… But, you still have this belief that he is a good and kind man to his wife and children, a man worth having in your life. 

On 7/1/2021 at 2:45 AM, SSE said:

I do think he's a good father and I just cannot believe he treats his wife like he did me. He did cheat, but her feelings were protected, not mine. I'm sure he never made such hurtful jokes towards her. They seem happy on their FB pics. I think he can treat you right if he cares for you.

If a man is a surgeon who saves children’s lives, but he kicks puppies, knocks old ladies over as they cross the street with their walker, and he calls people racial slurs on the way to work would you say - sure, he’s mean to those people but he’s a good man because look at the work he does - he treats people well at the hospital because he cares for the sick children and values his professional reputation.

No - the fact that he is mean to people in any situation is a reflection of his character. And, the fact that he is kind to other people or posts happy pictures on Facebook does not change the fact that he can be very cruel and hurtful.

When you ignore the bad to focus only on the things you believe to be good about the man, you are romanticizing. 

2 hours ago, SSE said:

I sometimes wonder how a real relationship with MM would look like. Would he still talk that much about money? Would he still make such hurtful comments? Would he care then? Or would I be treated just the same?

Kindly, we have had this discussion before. He could treat you like a princess when you are together but it is little more than an illusion if he is having kinky sex and abusing a young, vulnerable girl behind your back. Do not make the assumption that he would not do this if he was in a relationship with you - I’m sure his wife is under the same understanding and look how wrong she has been!

On 7/1/2021 at 2:45 AM, SSE said:

If he showed up divorced, I would have a hard time saying no.

Yeah - because you still have the fantasy of this man and this relationship. If he showed up tomorrow, you would climb into the passenger seat and life would be amazing! The sex with be amazing, he would post pictures of you on Facebook, and all your self doubt and feelings of worthlessness would be gone… You know this not to be true, but you continue to perpetuate this little bit of hope… That is little more than a romantic fantasy.