mixedfeelings Posted May 17, 2021 Share Posted May 17, 2021 Hello everyone, This thread is more for me to write everything out, cause honestly, it feels like i am going crazy. If anyone is in the similar situation, please give me some advice So, it´s going to be a quite long story.... I got married last summer, been together with my husband for 20 years, we have a lovey daughter and everything was great. Sure, we´ve had our ups and downs, but that´s normal in any relationship, right? During our relationship, i have been thinking about breaking up several times over the years. Once we even broke up for months and then got back together again. But to be honest, i am not a fan of these games. When i got together with my hubby i was 17, so very young. He´s 10 years older than me. So, after we got married i met another guy in school (started masters degree). Totally unexpected. At first, nothing happened. But then, in the beginning of the year (six months in to my marriage) i helped him with school project and we started chatting every night. At first he made me think he was not in a relationship, but as the time passed he admitted that he actually has a wife and a baby (few months old). I was terrified - what a situation - i am newly married, he has a newborn at home. But, the chatting continued. For the first month we chatted, we never met. He was so kind and sweet - telling how he noticed me in the first time at the class, always complimenting me and then when it was time to got to school, we decided to sit together. And that is when the fire really hit up. I was in a very bad place with my marriage, rarely speaking to my husband and that is the reason why i let the new guy so close. He on the other hand, had a very bad situation at home - his wife (they are not married) was always tired and she had only eyes and energy for the newborn. Every night i waited for him to write. He said all the time how he misses me and wants to be with me. After we met at school he said, he wants to see me more often, so he started to pick me up after work. We started to figure out ways to see each other, even for just 5 minutes. He told me how he has never met anyone like me, i have opened his eyes, I will always be his number 1 etc etc etc. It is hard to write everything down. He made me feel special. He always said how we can´t run away from our destiny and the fact that we got together during COVID-19 lockdown is a miracle. I do think it was all true what he said. He looked me the way no-one has ever looked before. I could see it in his eyes that he really was in love with me. And he admitted it several times. Like a love story you can see in the movie, or read in the books. He was perfect in that sense. But then, after few months, i started to see little changes and suddenly it ended. He told me that it´s hard to live a double life (my own thoughts exactly) and so we ended it. He also said, that his wife started noticing changes and had brought up the issue at home. Last time we met, he was really nice, we slept together and then he left. I have never ever felt myself so cheap and used. I was mortified. I understand that ending it was the right decision - i wanted to do it by myself, but he was quicker But - now i can´t stop thinking about him. I miss him and i think about him all the time. And i am f***ing tired of this. I do not want to think about him. How can i get over it? Part of me is like - does he think about me too? It must be hard for him too, right? I have to admit - because of school, we still chat a bit. Even now, i have unread messages from him. It is so hard. Part of me wants to chat him so badly, but then again, other part wants to stay a hell away from him. I do realize, we do not have future together. First point - he has a baby at home and i don´t like kids and i do not want to ruin their family. In a sort, we are so different, but yet so similar. I think what upsets me the most, is the way it ended. I always told him, that i would understand if he changes his mind, it would be okei but please, let me know then and do not just disappear. He promised, that that would never happen, because he knows what he wants and once he promises something, he will hold on to it. But then, he suddenly disappeared, like i was nothing. And that makes me sad and angry at the same time. I have not seen him for over a month, but still can´t stop thinking about him. In a few weeks, we will have a little get-together with our class, will meet for drinks. Should i go? I am so in between, part of me wants to see him, but i know only one look and i will fall again. But - my husband you say? Well, we are still together, have been talking about getting divorce as things have been crazy lately. I have not told him that i cheated, but he tells me that he thinks i have and he do not believe me when i say i have not. Who could blame him. He does work away from home, so i do not see him very often. But, part of me loves him so much. But there just isn´t any spark between us Part of me is thinking - it is the perfect time to break up, as i have been thinking about a lot over the years. Part of me wants to stay with him, because 20 years is a long time. Part of me feels ashamed to get a divorce only after couple of months. I have so many mixed feelings and i do not know what to do. Thinking about him constantly is driving me crazy. How can i end it? Please. Has anyone been in that kind of situation, what did you do? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted May 17, 2021 Share Posted May 17, 2021 2 hours ago, mixedfeelings said: I was in a very bad place with my marriage, rarely speaking to my husband. He told me how he has never met anyone like me. He always said how we can´t run away from our destiny . we slept together and then he left. I have never ever felt myself so cheap and used. Sorry this happened. He's the typical creep who tells bunch of lies about his cold partner, how you're his soul mate and you'll run off in the sunset together. He was looking for sex because his partner just gave birth and may be busy with the newborn. It would be best to address your unhappiness at home so you don't fall prey to any n morsel of attention like this. Delete and block this creep from all your social media and messaging apps. Focus on your kids, friends, classes, fitness, building better self-esteem/self-respect. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mixedfeelings Posted May 17, 2021 Author Share Posted May 17, 2021 31 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this happened. He's the typical creep who tells bunch of lies about his cold partner, how you're his soul mate and you'll run off in the sunset together. He was looking for sex because his partner just gave birth and may be busy with the newborn. It would be best to address your unhappiness at home so you don't fall prey to any n morsel of attention like this. Delete and block this creep from all your social media and messaging apps. Focus on your kids, friends, classes, fitness, building better self-esteem/self-respect. OMG Thanks Wiseman2 - that actually helped me a lot In my memories, he is still remained the sweetest guy, but that helped me change my mind about him and it will make it easier to forget. Until now, i have still unread messages from him, i plan not to open it. Luckily he´s not in any of my social media accounts. Only way to communicate with him is through our school messaging app. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted May 17, 2021 Share Posted May 17, 2021 (edited) 7 hours ago, mixedfeelings said: But - my husband you say? Well, we are still together, have been talking about getting divorce as things have been crazy lately. I have not told him that i cheated, but he tells me that he thinks i have and he do not believe me when i say i have not. Who could blame him. He does work away from home, so i do not see him very often. But, part of me loves him so much. But there just isn´t any spark between us Part of me is thinking - it is the perfect time to break up, as i have been thinking about a lot over the years. Part of me wants to stay with him, because 20 years is a long time. Twenty years is a long time, but staying in an unhappy marriage takes its toll, too. Would you consider MC with your husband and revealing the truth to him? Do you think your marriage could overcome the affair? It's not unusual for the "spark" to dissipate after so many years. If you do decide you want to work on your marriage, your best bet is to try to rekindle that spark (which usually does disappear after some years - in every relationship - then what you're left with is mutual respect, love and admiration, if you're lucky.) Go to MC together and get back to doing things together that you used to enjoy doing. I was married for 32 years when I divorced my husband for cheating 18 years prior. It was a difficult 18 years. It's hard to rebuild that trust (and I never did.) One thing I do know, you definitely have no hope for your marriage if you're still thinking about and communicating with this OM. Edited May 17, 2021 by vla1120 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted May 17, 2021 Share Posted May 17, 2021 This guy was smart to break things off. You were both equally complicit in your affair. Hopefully, you take steps to either repair your marriages or divorce. Cheating is never the answer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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