Glx Posted May 17, 2021 Posted May 17, 2021 My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for almost a year. He broke up with me in December and we were apart for two months. We got back together, and the first time we talked again, he mentioned that he applied for an exchange semester, but that he wanted our relationship to last by all means. (Later he also mentioned that he applied for it also because he wanted to forget me and move away from this city.) Three months had passed. He knew I didn't want a long-distance relationship, so he told me not long ago that he had decided not to go anywhere even if he will be accepted, and that our relationship was more important to him. A few days ago he received an acceptance letter... Exchange semester will last 4 months, from September to December. He said that he had given it a lot of thought and that he wants to take this opportunity, because it will be really good for his career... On the one hand, I feel extremely betrayed because he promised something and does something completely different. I cannot believe his words anymore. On the other hand, I have an enormous, huge fear that our relationship won't survive this, that on a distance his feelings will disappear and he will fall in love with another girl who will be closer to him at that point, or that he will change a lot and become a different person. He has tried to "make things better" by asking me to go abroad together with him for the first month and live there together. He also cancelled all his plans for summer with friends in order to for us to travel and spend time together. But I still feel betrayed and that his love is gone, apparently, since he changed his mind. What should I do and how should I behave? I'm thinking that maybe I should have left as soon as he told me he was accepted and that he decided to go after all, after promising something completely opposite.
Wiseman2 Posted May 17, 2021 Posted May 17, 2021 14 minutes ago, Glx said: He broke up with me in December and we were apart for two months. A few days ago he received an acceptance letter... Exchange semester will last 4 months, from September to December. He said that he had given it a lot of thought and that he wants to take this opportunity, because it will be really good for his career... He also cancelled all his plans for summer with friends in order to for us to travel and spend time together. Sorry this is happening. Consider if you want to engage in on/off drama and insincerity. Don't worry about what he wants, he's doing precisely what he wants. Unfortunately he seems to use a lot of techniques to keep you in a holding pattern. LDRs are difficult. Don't be in limbo for that. At the end of summer free yourself to find a happier situation. Is this the same man?:
d0nnivain Posted May 17, 2021 Posted May 17, 2021 He didn't betray you. He was simply true to himself. You should behave maturely & graciously. If you love him, it would be wrong of you to deprive him of this amazing educational opportunity. Young love -- which I think you have based upon the fact that at least he's in school -- is not always lasting love. Frankly, he'd be a fool to give up this chance for you. At your age, SOs are easy to come by; travel & education not so much. He needs a good career more than he needs a SO. If your relationship isn't strong enough to survive 120 days, what the heck are you hanging on to ? Insecurity is not a good look. Personally, I'd give him his freedom & both of you go do whatever while he's away. Then see where you are when he gets back. I'd rather give him that kind of hall pass then curtail my own freedom for a semester or risk having him hide things. Hope this all works out in a way that makes you happy & at peace. Understand if you try to make him stay, he will resent you & you will lose him in the long run. What's that cliché: If you love somebody let them go. If they come back to, they are yours. If they do not return, they never were yours. Take the above to heart. Who knows, maybe you can even go visit him on a school break. 6
Sun Seeker Posted May 17, 2021 Posted May 17, 2021 It's only 4 months, let's be realistic here, not 4 years. He even suggested for you to join him, whats stopping you? If your own fears and insecurities about him meeting someone else mean your relationship can't handle this then it's better you break up as it shows your relationship is not that strong. 4
Author Glx Posted May 17, 2021 Author Posted May 17, 2021 (edited) 8 minutes ago, Punterxx said: It's only 4 months, let's be realistic here, not 4 years. He even suggested for you to join him, whats stopping you? If your own fears and insecurities about him meeting someone else mean your relationship can't handle this then it's better you break up as it shows your relationship is not that strong. I just think that the fact that he changed his decision showed his lack of love towards me. He even told me that at that point he really believed that he doesn't want to go abroad anymore. But now he changed his opinion. And I am starting to think that maybe he just wants to have his freedom or stay away from me. Edited May 17, 2021 by Glx
Author Glx Posted May 17, 2021 Author Posted May 17, 2021 50 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this is happening. Consider if you want to engage in on/off drama and insincerity. Don't worry about what he wants, he's doing precisely what he wants. Unfortunately he seems to use a lot of techniques to keep you in a holding pattern. LDRs are difficult. Don't be in limbo for that. At the end of summer free yourself to find a happier situation. Is this the same man?: yes, it is him.
Gaeta Posted May 17, 2021 Posted May 17, 2021 When I met my ex-husband I was very young like you. The same month I met him he was deployed oversea for 7 months. It went by fast and we ended up marrying. At your age your study is more important than your relationship. You do not hold a bf/gf down to better their study so they'll have a better future. Loving someone also means letting them go to become the best they can be. 4 months is a drop in the ocean. 6
Wiseman2 Posted May 17, 2021 Posted May 17, 2021 (edited) 12 minutes ago, Glx said: yes, it is him. Ok. Rethink if you want all this on/off drama. He's going to go off and have fun while away. Why wring your hands over and over for this on/off guy? You need your own direction in life, your own friends, family, career, classes, courses, sports, clubs, groups, etc. Why orbit a guy who is "meh" about you except when it's convenient for him? Don't be a doormat and keep waiting around for him. Have fun if he really means making some time for you over the summer (although his track record of saying what he means is rather poor). Then dump him and free yourself for a guy who is not this indifferent. Do not visit him there. Why waste your time and money on that? Be busy dating other guys. Edited May 17, 2021 by Wiseman2 1
Gaeta Posted May 17, 2021 Posted May 17, 2021 5 minutes ago, Glx said: I just think that the fact that he changed his decision showed his lack of love towards me. He even told me that at that point he really believed that he doesn't want to go abroad anymore. But now he changed his opinion. And I am starting to think that maybe he just wants to have his freedom or stay away from me. When we think the way you do it means we're not emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship. You make this all about you, loving someone is not about you. Being in a relationship is not about making ourselves happy. It's about wanting our partner to be the best they can be and if that means letting them go study somewhere for 4 months we let them. If they don't come back, if they meet someone else then we accept it's life, he was not the right partner, and we go on with our life and meet someone else. 7
Author Glx Posted May 17, 2021 Author Posted May 17, 2021 17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Ok. Rethink if you want all this on/off drama. He's going to go off and have fun while away. Why wring your hands over and over for this on/off guy? You need your own direction in life, your own friends, family, career, classes, courses, sports, clubs, groups, etc. Why orbit a guy who is "meh" about you except when it's convenient for him? Don't be a doormat and keep waiting around for him. Have fun if he really means making some time for you over the summer (although his track record of saying what he means is rather poor). Then dump him and free yourself for a guy who is not this indifferent. Do not visit him there. Why waste your time and money on that? Be busy dating other guys. He doesn't want to break up and wants us "to come out stronger" after this. He says that almost all his male friends have studied abroad while being in a relationship, and none of them cheated, and everything was good in the end and they are still together; and asks me why I don't believe that we have a chance...
introverted1 Posted May 17, 2021 Posted May 17, 2021 This guy gave you a second chance after your breakup in December which, IIRC, was due to you constantly picking fights with him. Now he has an opportunity to do something that will enhance his career and you are unwilling to support him? This is not how love looks or acts, OP. If you love him, you will trust him and support him in this opportunity. I don't see why you don't take him up on his offer for you to join him for the first month or so (unless you have a job that would prevent this). This could be an amazing experience for you both. If you can only see this through the prism of your wants, then it might be a good idea to cut this guy loose. 3
smackie9 Posted May 17, 2021 Posted May 17, 2021 I would go with him for the month, and enjoy the experience. You say you can't handle the distance...how would you even know? You haven't tried yet. Sounds like he's doing everything to make it right. Personally I have never have heard of any guy make such effort. I tell you this....if you love someone, you take the hit to make it work. He's doing something good with his life, you should be supportive. He chose this for himself, not to torture or wrong you. As we get older, we realize it's not always about us, but the sacrifices we make for them. 2
d0nnivain Posted May 18, 2021 Posted May 18, 2021 2 hours ago, Glx said: He * * * asks me why I don't believe that we have a chance... It's a good Q. What is your answer? It seems all you have is fear & insecurity. You need trust. You also need enough self confidence to realize that you are worth being faithful to & coming home to. So what's the problem? 1
hippychick3 Posted May 18, 2021 Posted May 18, 2021 As a mother to 2 college graduates who each spent a semester studying abroad, I’m very glad he made the decision to go. I’d be very upset if they had a girlfriend who would have discouraged them. If you truly love someone, you let them grow and have these kind of experiences. Holding him back no matter what the outcome of your relationship will be is going to be detrimental to his future and your relationship. He would resent you later, and that would be understandable. 4 months is not that long. Stop making him feel badly about his decision. It’s the best one for him. 5
Ami1uwant Posted May 18, 2021 Posted May 18, 2021 4 hours ago, Glx said: I just think that the fact that he changed his decision showed his lack of love towards me. He even told me that at that point he really believed that he doesn't want to go abroad anymore. But now he changed his opinion. And I am starting to think that maybe he just wants to have his freedom or stay away from me. being gone for4 months is not a lack of love...that's delusional. this is a great opportunity for him that he will regret if he doesn’t do it. this is something that happens in life for work where peop,e coukd travel somewhere for 6 months.. 1
ShyViolet Posted May 18, 2021 Posted May 18, 2021 You are very immature and inexperienced in life if you think that doing a semester abroad for 4 months means that he doesn't love you or has to mean the end of the relationship. Four months is not that long. If this is a good professional growth opportunity for him, you should support him in it and understand that it's really not that long, that a relationship should be able to survive this and deal with it. You're being a bit overdramatic about this. It sounds like this relationship is not on solid ground to begin with, given the fact that he has already broken up with you once. 1
Wiseman2 Posted May 18, 2021 Posted May 18, 2021 8 hours ago, Glx said: asks me why I don't believe that we have a chance... Ok, so relax and let him do whatever he needs to. You need to do the same. Just be forthcoming that LDRs suck and it's best for both of you to be free. No one "comes out stronger", that's just a trite cliche people use. If you are the type who wants a local regular BF, then do that. 1
basil67 Posted May 18, 2021 Posted May 18, 2021 (edited) 9 hours ago, Glx said: He doesn't want to break up and wants us "to come out stronger" after this. He says that almost all his male friends have studied abroad while being in a relationship, and none of them cheated, and everything was good in the end and they are still together; and asks me why I don't believe that we have a chance... Almost all of his mates went abroad/none of them cheated? I don't believe that for a minute. And either your boyfriend is gullible or lying to you. New college...new girls...lots of young hormones...nobody to snitch on you.. of course there will be a bit of hanky panky going on. (and I'd say the same if genders were reversed). My daughter's BF went to study abroad for 5 months. She couldn't deal with the distance and ended the relationship. The very next day, he was FB official with someone else. None of us were mad at him, he was a good guy. But in a situation like this, it's always a risk. If he wants to go, then it's wrong to hold him back. But don't go waiting around for him. Edited May 18, 2021 by basil67
ExpatInItaly Posted May 18, 2021 Posted May 18, 2021 9 hours ago, Glx said: I just think that the fact that he changed his decision showed his lack of love towards me. This is quite self-centred and immature on your part. You're making this all about you, which is not fair. If your relationship is in a good place, it will survive 4 months. It's not that long. If, however, your relationship is on such thin ice that it couldn't withstand 4 months of separation, well, it was already in trouble to begin with. You could try being the bigger person here, and give it a chance. If you can't handle that and instead wish to make this a barometer of his love for you, then it's time to break up as you won't be able to manage your emotions well enough for a proper long-distance situation. 3
Author Glx Posted May 18, 2021 Author Posted May 18, 2021 9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: This is quite self-centred and immature on your part. You're making this all about you, which is not fair. If your relationship is in a good place, it will survive 4 months. It's not that long. If, however, your relationship is on such thin ice that it couldn't withstand 4 months of separation, well, it was already in trouble to begin with. You could try being the bigger person here, and give it a chance. If you can't handle that and instead wish to make this a barometer of his love for you, then it's time to break up as you won't be able to manage your emotions well enough for a proper long-distance situation. I understand that everything depends on how warm and trusting the relationship is - the very basis of the relationship is very important for long distance. Unfortunately, I can't say that everything with us was smooth. And also I am very jealous and insecure, so I don't know what to do, because there are only 3 months left. I also read a lot of articles and forums today on this topic. Unfortunately, the statistics and experiences are quite negative - most couples break up during or after the distance. And also the partner who left develops an interest in another person or starts a new relationship altogether. So this all seems kind of awful to me, although I am trying my best to keep calm. The first two days after these news I couldn't stop crying and we were even talking about breaking up.
Wiseman2 Posted May 18, 2021 Posted May 18, 2021 4 minutes ago, Glx said: I can't say that everything with us was smooth. - most couples break up during or after the distance. Yes, your relationship with him is awful. Just as awful are LDRs, add to that awful on/off relationship and distance, and...what is the point? Use his study abroad as your exit .
ShyViolet Posted May 18, 2021 Posted May 18, 2021 42 minutes ago, Glx said: Unfortunately, I can't say that everything with us was smooth. And also I am very jealous and insecure, so I don't know what to do, because there are only 3 months left. Your relationship does not exactly inspire a feeling of security. He has already dumped you once before. That alone is a huge sign that this relationship is very unlikely to last. 1
Gaeta Posted May 18, 2021 Posted May 18, 2021 1 hour ago, Glx said: Unfortunately, the statistics and experiences are quite negative Those statistics are about Long distance relationships, which is not your relationship. An absence of 4 months does not make a relationship long distance, it's just an absence. A lot of couples have to deal with regular absences for business trips, training, military being deployed, etc. They are not considered long distance relationship because of that. 1 1
Gaeta Posted May 18, 2021 Posted May 18, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Glx said: most couples break up during or after the distance. So? You survived the first time the relationship broke up right? You'll survive the second time. You are in your young 20s, this relationship is not going to make you or break you. Edited May 18, 2021 by Gaeta
kendahke Posted May 18, 2021 Posted May 18, 2021 (edited) 21 hours ago, Glx said: My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for almost a year. He broke up with me in December and we were apart for two months. We got back together, and the first time we talked again, he mentioned that he applied for an exchange semester, He's checked out. He let you know that he put things in train to effect a different outcome. He may have applied in haste, but his key unlocked that door. He most likely didn't think he'd be accepted, but he has been and he's going to follow through. This is one reason why some people procrastinate and don't make decisions. Change comes quick. It's the time spent making up your mind about what you want to do which makes things tedious. Don't give him a perch to sit on while he moves house to another area all together, crying about how he never wanted this to break up <-- that's called using you to help him get over dropping you off. If him not really wanting a permanent break up was the case, you and he wouldn't have been broken up Dec - Feb. Moving to a completely different city is telling you that he wants space. From your other posts, it's clear that this involvement of yours has run its course and that it's time to cut the line and let him drift in his direction. This mess is broken. Let him go and move on. Block him from contacting you and just get over him. Don't let him throw away your dignity. Edited May 18, 2021 by kendahke 1
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