Did I really duck my friend over on this?

[ThereSheGoes]

You can be honest.

 

I wanted to invite a group of friends out for a Sunday afternoon in the Japanese Gardens and maybe some pizza and pool afterwards. None of these people know each other, their only connection is through me. I invited 4 people:

 

C - I met him on Tinder. Never physically met up with him, but we're platonic, and we have been in contact for months, so I view him as a friend.

 

A - Known him for almost almost a year. He's one of my closest friends. I feel like I'm back in middle school when we hang out. We have a deep connection.

 

Z - Known him the longest. Our friendship is a unique one, but regardless of how much time spent apart, we still have love for each other.

 

CR - I talk to him every day, and I would say we're super close. Its just pulling teeth trying to get him to come out and hang. He's an introvert, and he doesn't like going anywhere unless he has to.

 

So I chose these specific people because they all had similar commonalities, C, A and Z are super social and like to be around new people to mingle and create new friends and I thought they would get along well.

 

So, CR and Z back out. So that just left me with C and A.
So Sunday comes.....it's a disaster. It's raining. So no Japanese Gardens. I then suggest Pizza that's in the center of town. They agree. So, it's raining cats and dogs, and the Lyft that A and me are in is late, but FINALLY we make it to the pizza place, and C is like.....I'm not there. You didn't tell me that I had to pay for parking. You guys eat, I'll catch up with you guys after, I don't even like pizza.

 

......Okay.

 

So me and A eat. I text up C. C comes and picks us up. Everything is fine, we decide to go play pool. We get there, I'm mostly playing pool with C, because A just did not want to play for some reason. He was just sitting there telling me how bad I was the whole time.

C was being very interactive, though. Showing me how to old the stick, laughing when I failed so bad. When I told him that even though I sucked, I was having fun, I noticed he seemed to be enthused about that. FINALLY towards the end, we got A to play, and we cheered him on when he knocked a ball into a pocket.

Afterwards, we went and got some hipster doughnuts, I asked A if he wanted some, he said no. Now up until this point: I'm paying for the rides into town and back home, A paid for the pizza and C paid for the pool game.

We then go to a record store. This is when A becomes a little kid in a candy store. He immediately ditches me and C. Me and C are mostly talking, laughing, whatever. At the end of the afternoon, I gave C a hug goodbye, and me and A left.

 

So, I'm on the phone with ANOTHER friend, J. I told J about the afternoon. And he goes: "......how can you be so self centered?"

Which, takes me off guard.

He explains that I totally ducked over A,  basically forcing him to third wheel a date. And that, it was hella weird of me to invite MY friends to an outing, when none of them knew one another. And that any time you meet up with someone from a dating app, it's a date.  He explained that for all appearances, I just look like a woman who wanted attention, and to say that I hung out with my friends. Two birds, one stone so to speak.

I then spoke to my friend A and he said said that he felt like he was chaperoning me on one of my dates, and that he didn't mind it, he does it all the time with his best friend. But......that wasn't the intent? I was seriously just trying to get us all out to hang and have fun, and meet new people.

 

Was I actually being a four letter word for a dog?

Because I don't think I was.

Thoughts?

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, ThereSheGoes said:

I then spoke to my friend A and he said said that he felt like he was chaperoning me on one of my dates, and that he didn't mind it, he does it all the time with his best friend. But......that wasn't the intent? I was seriously just trying to get us all out to hang and have fun, and meet new people.

Do you have any female friends that you can do these types of outings with in the future?

[Wiseman2]

Next time you have a gathering, party, invite people, etc. make sure you invite them with dates or even it out with some women friends.  Kind of weird to get a collection of guys together, no? 

Edited May 18, 2021 by Wiseman2

[d0nnivain]

As a woman with male friends, understand that they don't want to hang out with you & other guys.  When you organize time with them they expect one on one.  

You were clueless & insensitive.  You think these guys are your friends.  they are not . They want to date you & you are stringing them along.    

[ThereSheGoes]

@AlpacaOutside of work, I don't have any female friends.

 

@Wiseman2 I didn't think it was? Guys hang out together all the time, and I am used to being the only woman in the group.

@d0nnivain I'm pretty sure none of them are attracted to me, lol. Hence, why we're friends.

[Cookiesandough]

Yeah, girl you invite up 2 orbiters and a tinder date to all hang out... what could go wrong ? 
 

lol kidding (sort of) I think you put these friends in a kind of awkward position. First of all, you invited three guys who are complete strangers to each other to hang out out with you... wasn’t like you were all mutual friends, they were completely strangers that probably didn’t have a deep understanding of the relationship you had with each of them individually.  It probably felt really awkward to them.., esp if you weren’t doing a lot to facilitated interaction between all of them/you, some would start to feel like third wheel or like you just invited out 3 random guys to be on your jock and winner takes prize . I know that’s not what you meant, but that’s what it might look like from an friend’s perspective. 
 

Edited May 18, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, ThereSheGoes said:

 I don't have any female friends.

Ok, work on that. Make better friends.

But it sounds more like you set up a speed dating event with only one woman present.🤔

[Cookiesandough]

Sounds like an episode of Elimidate 

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, work on that. Make better friends.

But it sounds more like you set up a speed dating event with only one woman present.🤔

 

[Uruktopi]

Maybe a quite benign way to give another title to the same event would be:  "A failed Frienzoned Club members convention"

[Interstellar]

1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

Sounds like an episode of Elimidate 

 

Oh lord, is that show still on? I used to watch it all the time! also Blind Date w/ Roger Lodge, and the more innocent A Dating Story on tlc, haha.

Edited May 19, 2021 by Interstellar

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Sounds like an episode of Elimidate 

Isn't there a reality show where there's a bachelorette with a bunch of guys to pick from?

Sometimes wonder if life imitates art. Or something like that.

[Uruktopi]

Why not to to organize a new Rock & Roll band: "Queen Bee and the Orbiters"? 

[ShyViolet]

Your friend J was absolutely 100% right.  This outing sounds very weird and awkward.  You went out on a date with a good friend of yours, plus some guy that you met on tinder who you had never met in person before.  That is completely weird.  It's very "third wheel."  When you meet up with a guy you met on tinder, that's pretty much a date.  You don't platonically meet up with people from tinder.

[Cookiesandough]

1 hour ago, Uruktopi said:

Why not to to organize a new Rock & Roll band: "Queen Bee and the Orbiters"? 

Yea and maybe you can write a hit song that goes something like, “Thereshegoes.... Thereshegoes again... inviting 3 dudes on a date ... and they just can’t contain... the feeling that remaaaaains”

Edited May 19, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[d0nnivain]

15 hours ago, ThereSheGoes said:

 

@d0nnivain I'm pretty sure none of them are attracted to me, lol. Hence, why we're friends.

Then you are misreading the tea leaves & need to get better at understanding men & reading the signals.  

 

Think about it.  We all saw this the same way -- 180 degrees opposite -- from what you saw.  So it stands to reason that you didn't understand the situation  

At least promise to never do it again.  Good rule of thumb:  Anybody you meet on OLD or a dating app is NEVER interested in being your platonic friend.  

Edited May 19, 2021 by d0nnivain

[Uruktopi]

2 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Yea and maybe you can write a hit song that goes something like, “Thereshegoes.... Thereshegoes again... inviting 3 dudes on a date ... and they just can’t contain... the feeling that remaaaaains”

Oh Yeah!!!

[Stupidkupid]

Just to chime in. Its weird and it is selfish, J is correct.

I can't get my hesd around thinking this was a good idea.

I feel like its a little odd you don't have female friends and have to wonder whether subconsciously you are aware that this, with the men, is attention seeking behaviour (possibly not deliberately)

[Cookiesandough]

I’m curious how you proposed this invite to your “friends“. Were you like hey want to go to the Japanese gardens and then a pool party. Makes it sound like there might be some chicks (plural ) there. Or were you like hey Im throwing sausage fest with two other guys I’m friends with. would you want to come .. if you did the latter, they are a little to blame 

Edited May 22, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[ThereSheGoes]

Okay, so ya'll were right. Sigh. 🙄

 

I've been hanging out with C a lot lately (which ironically he has been calling dates) and I told him about the conversation me and J had. And he laughed, and said...yes, he thought I just brought A along because I didn't want to meet up with him alone, and that "a lot of girls do that, so that's what I thought you were doing."

How did I MISS this.

 

@CookiesandoughI told each of them that me and A were going to the Japanese Gardens, and asked if they wanted to go. I told them that others, and I mentioned their names, would possibly be in attendance too. So....they knew it was going to be me and other males there as well.