Guy doesn't make concrete plans to meet!

[Emilyinroses]

14 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

No, I did that because as a Libra I am a hopeless romantic and truly beleived I could find love anywhere and maybe he was hiding in a man not acting like the mainstream. I was sincerely open to anything. 

I am a Libra too and just like you, I see romantic possibilities everywhere 😍

But a long time ago I decided to take off my rose tinted glasses and see things for what they are.

I am open to men who don’t act like the mainstream, but in a positive way. Not like the wishy washy guy of this thread.

 

[Emilyinroses]

2 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

 

from my personal experience sometimes seeing a woman is interested is very difficult so sometimes put up statements indirectly is a way to see interest.

 

I respect women. If I happen to meet her I don’t this to be a thing I’m hitting on her. Being direct might come off that way.

I’m sorry but in the case of this thread, I accepted to share my phone number with the guy, exchanged messages, engaged in conversations, talked on the phone and when he mentioned meeting, I clearly said I want to do that.

What else did he need to know I am interested? A giant neon sign in the sky saying ‘she is interested’? 😅

There was something off with that guy and that’s it.

[Alvi]

19 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

Agreed, they are probably just not "that" interested or it's not a priority for them. Who knows what the reason of why that is? Focus on yourself and it won't matter.

They can become less interested due to how your first handful of interactions went, be more intrigued by someone else, get busy with the rest of life, have other priorities, etc.

Not all the reasons are so devious.  

Maybe their intentions are not devious but their actions sure are. Why are those guys still talking to a woman that they are not interested in her? Why are they hinting or talking about meeting her, knowing full well that they are not that into her? Why are they leading her on, why are they offering her breadcrumbs, why do they leave her hanging? Would it not be a lot better if they just stopped communicating with a woman if they don't like her for whatever reason. Or they can let her know that they would not be a good match. Making false promises and leading someone on is sure devious enough in my book. I believe, they just want to keep her on the shelf ready or willing  just in case. 

[dramafreezone]

 

33 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

No, I did that because as a Libra I am a hopeless romantic and truly beleived I could find love anywhere and maybe he was hiding in a man not acting like the mainstream. I was sincerely open to anything. 

I'm not going to attack or disparage any type of divine intervention or belief system because that's disrespectful, but people discount how hard it is to find a good significant other.  It takes practical work and patience.

Not enough people think about the desires of the people that they want.  We discussed this previously if you remember, and you responded with "why does it matter what he wants?"  That's a big obstacle.  I think if more of us really took to heart what the people that we want, want, then made a calculation as to what extent we could provide that, we'd be a lot closer in getting what we want.

This is a marketplace overall though.  The marketplace doesn't tell any lies, it tells us all where we are in the scheme of things.  If we're not getting our desired results, there is necessarily a discrepancy between the value that we place on what we're offering and its value on the open market.  It may not even be that we don't have what is actually desired, in some cases it's what we choose to advertise and hone, which may be misguided.

Edited May 23, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

I am a Libra too and just like you, I see romantic possibilities everywhere 😍

That explains why I get you!

In my case I am happier with extrovert men, confident, men that go after what they want whether it's a woman, a new job, a certain dream. 

[Emilyinroses]

2 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

I think it's something she should consider every once in a while, dependent on the particular guy and situation.  So yes it was one of the THREE options I suggested. 

My main point is that if you have someone who has a tendency to be closed off and can use any slightest reason to dismiss a guy or go into negative, unproductive territory, the last thing they need is yet another reason--based on something general and arbitrary--to do that or worry about.  IMO, OP and people who think like her about dating need more reasons to stay open-minded than they need anything else. 

Lol, you know my general posting history, G😊In general, of course, I think things tend to go better if the guy is the one asking out (traditional dating model) and in general, I don't think a person should waste a ton of time sending messages on an app--in fact, I think meeting up asap is pretty much the best thing TO DO.  I also think if a girl is insisting on being the one asked out by the guy and he's not doing it, then no need to drop him necessarily just move him to the back burner--effectively you have no idea why he's not moving forward just yet.  Unless he's annoying or disrespectful to you or you simply lost interested in him altogether or gained a committed relationship of your own. I actually know LOTS of people whose relationship came to them but not in the direct fashion that some people expect.  Such as thinking, "oh we matched on May 23rd and if he doesn't ask me out by May 30th, i'm done with him and going to unmatch"  Sorry, life just doesn't always follow that script.  For example, a girl I know via work got married to a guy that she matched with online and then for whatever reason they did not go out but reconnected a year later and got married.  A guy I'm friends with who is a great guy, was dating two women from online, chose one of them and let the other girl go nicely and respectfully AND TRUTHFULLY telling her he was choosing the other girl, only to realize months later he made a huge mistake and got in touch with the one he let go and asked for & got another chance & they recently moved in together. They are very serious about each other and he's totally in love. Some my point is that it often doesn't come in the way we expect or the follows some rule.  The important thing is to stay open and listen to your own intuition and knowing that you can rely on yourself about emotions and if you are worthy, it will work out with the right person.

Taking that same logic BACK to the question of "would I initiate the first date"? Probably not my first preference or inclination but yes probably/possibly.  Also if something came up organically, I would definitely do that. Since I'm giving examples this am, I will throw in another...another girl friend via work was online dating and she is traditional and I would say kind of shy or introverted. She met a guy online and had just started messaging with him and it was going well..the following day she already had a little house party planned, so she invited him.  They've been together EVER since THAT DAY, completely inseparable. This guy who she ended up marrying is definitely not beta, timid or anything like that (in fact, as I said, she is far more the shy one of the two).  Additionally, he's quite a catch--great job, outgoing, personable, etc etc.  Exactly the sort of guy who would have no problem initiating.  Maybe he was impressed by her that she did/went outside a comfort zone or what is the norm.  There is a lot a woman would be demonstrating about HERSELF (in a good way) if and when she does initiate--it's definitely not all bad. Probably stepping away from all or nothing thinking would ALSO help the OP or others that fall into bad dating thinking patterns., which hard and fast rules definitely fall into that category. Lastly, I find it interesting that some women who are controlling and/or rigid in a lot of ways or dominating (which a lot of men like or chose) would try so hard to conceal that fact by NOT initiating when basically if the two end up in a relationship together, that totally is not how it's gonna go 🤪😭  lol, that may have more to do with social norms though. But yeah, every once in a while buck the trend.  Here's the thing, when people describe how they met the love of their life, it almost always has the quality of "i never did this before", ie there's an element of pushing their own boundaries usually in these stories, so when appropriate, I would encourage people to do that. Especially if their boundaries are actually the things confining them to being single because they are too arbitrary, nonsense, or too restrictive, too judgmental, too knee jerk, etc. 

I agree with you. 

I prefer that the guy initiates and find that super sexy, but I would be open to being the one initiating IF I am in a situation with him which is very positive and I have great vibes from him. For example inviting him to a party or some kind of group activity like hiking.

Most guys who do not ask for a date and just like to talk endlessly I do not have good vibes about them. 

I am really good at feeling people’s energy and can sense something is off.

So is not just that I have my guard up or use any reason to dismiss a guy, I can feel something is off.

What I need to do is just to move on quickly and don’t let it unsettle me. Maybe by doing that I’ll start attracting other type of men.

But just to say that yes life is not just black and white, there are many other colours and ways of acting. But one needs to feel it in order to do something different.

[Emilyinroses]

Just now, Gaeta said:

That explains why I get you!

In my case I am happier with extrovert men, confident, men that go after what they want whether it's a woman, a new job, a certain dream. 

Me too! They are sexy AF! 😋

[Ami1uwant]

26 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

I’m sorry but in the case of this thread, I accepted to share my phone number with the guy, exchanged messages, engaged in conversations, talked on the phone and when he mentioned meeting, I clearly said I want to do that.

What else did he need to know I am interested? A giant neon sign in the sky saying ‘she is interested’? 😅

There was something off with that guy and that’s it.

You missed what I was talking about. I’m not talking about talking on the phone but actually meeting face to face.

 

just from my personal experience it’s hard for me to tell is this just friends, will we get together again, or is there something more.  This also might come out in meeting someone at random like at the grocery store and you get to talking.

 

after you said yes on meeting, what did he say? I woukd have talked snd asked about when/ what day works.  This would be in normal times.  Covid complicates things with being vaxxed or not, places still clised, people scared of crowds, many anxious.

 

 

[dramafreezone]

21 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

That explains why I get you!

In my case I am happier with extrovert men, confident, men that go after what they want whether it's a woman, a new job, a certain dream. 

Most women like those type of men, that's nothing unique.😀

But in this marketplace, there's a limited number of them, not enough to meet demand.  Whenever there's a discrepancy between supply and demand, the supplier raises their price and they can afford to be extremely selective.   So that's why a man exercising his options isn't necessarily a "player" or him otherwise being a bad person.  He's evaluating amongst several options where none has distinguished themselves from the rest of the pack.  Once one does distinguish herself, that's when he settles down.

[Ami1uwant]

28 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

That explains why I get you!

In my case I am happier with extrovert men, confident, men that go after what they want whether it's a woman, a new job, a certain dream. 

Extrovert and introvert.  Many people have a bit of both.  Depends on their level of comfort.

 

some might be extrovert when it comes to their career and wanting a job , because they have full control on that. But they might not be in relationships because they don’t know what she does.  With some extrovert ness coukd be a sign of controlling.

[Gaeta]

12 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

 With some extrovert ness coukd be a sign of controlling.

When I say extrovert I don't mean alpha. I have  no care in the world for a man identifying himself as alpha. Just a man that grabs life and is not afraid of taking reasonnable risks like asking a woman out. 

Yes I agree that we all have a bit of extrovert and introvert. Depending who I am with I will adjust my level of introversy or extroversy. It's something that happens naturally. 

[Emilyinroses]

24 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Most women like those type of men, that's nothing unique.😀

But in this marketplace, there's a limited number of them, not enough to meet demand.  Whenever there's a discrepancy between supply and demand, the supplier raises their price and they can afford to be extremely selective.   So that's why a man exercising his options isn't necessarily a "player" or him otherwise being a bad person.  He's evaluating amongst several options where none has distinguished themselves from the rest of the pack.  Once one does distinguish herself, that's when he settles down.

I refuse to believe in dating and romance in these terms, like commerce and things, or buying a car. That’s just plain horrible.

I believe that the right man meets the right woman at the right time, and true love has no competition.

No one needs to ‘distinguish themselves from the pack’, because a true connection doesn’t need that. They just get each other.

Maybe I am too romantic, but I refuse to live my life in those vulgar terms.

Thinking about romance in terms of ‘marketplace’ is an insult to my soul.

Edited May 23, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

I believe that the right man meets the right woman at the right time, and true love has no competition.

I was outside gardening yesterday and my lady neighbor came to chat with me. At some point she said she was sorry that my ex had hurt me in that way, then she adds I always thought he was not good looking. I looked at her and said: He was good looking to ME !! 

There is not such a thing as a high market men & women. I am not the typical thin tall big lip woman. I am a short brunette covered in frackles and I get plenty of attention. 

[Emilyinroses]

7 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I was outside gardening yesterday and my lady neighbor came to chat with me. At some point she said she was sorry that my ex had hurt me in that way, then she adds I always thought he was not good looking. I looked at her and said: He was good looking to ME !! 

There is not such a thing as a high market men & women. I am not the typical thin tall big lip woman. I am a short brunette covered in frackles and I get plenty of attention. 

I am a short brunette covered in frackles too! 😂

I really do not give a shyt to being high market or stand out from the crowd or whatever. To me that is all ego talk.

And I believe the right man for me does not give a shyt either. He is just looking for someone he truly connects with at the soul level, just as me. And as I said, that has no competition.

[dramafreezone]

33 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

I refuse to believe in dating and romance in these terms, like commerce and things, or buying a car. That’s just plain horrible.

I believe that the right man meets the right woman at the right time, and true love has no competition.

No one needs to ‘distinguish themselves from the pack’, because a true connection doesn’t need that. They just get each other.

Maybe I am too romantic, but I refuse to live my life in those vulgar terms.

Thinking about romance in terms of ‘marketplace’ is an insult to my soul.

I mean it's certainly your choice to view it however you want, but you can't ignore the results or consequences of what your belief system gives you.  What benefit is it to you to continue to stick to a belief system that hasn't benefited you?

If you're looking for romance, then that's fine.  Romance isn't hard to find.  Romance is instinctual.  It's easy.

Finding someone that is suitable for lifelong companionship does not precisely correlate with romance though.  How much more evidence of that do you need before you realize it as an undeniable reality. 

Finding a long term companion is a practical endeavor.  It's not guided by feelings.  It's guided by decisions we make, behaviors that we learn, and finding compatible belief systems.  Do you think those that have had marriages for 20, 30 40 years all just got lucky and got there with romance?  They learned skills from observing their parents, and applied those skills in their mature relationships.  They were prepared for that.

Your reaction is not surprising or unusual though.  We've all been sold a dream from Disney and others that our prince or princess is out there and all we have to do is wander into it and everything just clicks, the romance, then the marriage.  Those movies don't ever show what happens after the dashing prince chooses Cinderella, how their marriage went, same with Beauty and the Beast, or Aladdin.

Can you have it all, sure you can.  But you have to work for that.  Everyone has to pay a price, so what price are you willing to pay?  If you find it offensive that you have to meet someone else's expectations when he has a lot of options, then you probably don't really want it as much as the person that ends up getting it. 

If you find the "marketplace" analogy offensive, fine, consider it the cosmic plan, or karma, whatever higher power you believe in.  In whichever paradigm you want believe in, it doesn't change your results or what you have to do to get what you want. Raise your desirability or lower your standards.  Those are the two choices.

Edited May 23, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Emilyinroses]

16 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

I mean it's certainly your choice to view it however you want, but you can't ignore the results or consequences of what your belief system gives you.  What benefit is it to you to continue to stick to a belief system that hasn't benefited you?

If you're looking for romance, then that's fine.  Romance isn't hard to find.  Romance is instinctual.  It's easy.

Finding someone that is suitable for lifelong companionship does not precisely correlate with romance though.  How much more evidence of that do you need before you realize it as an undeniable reality. 

Finding a long term companion is a practical endeavor.  It's not guided by feelings.  It's guided by decisions we make, behaviors that we learn, and finding compatible belief systems.  Do you think those that have had marriages for 20, 30 40 years all just got lucky and it's just blissful love?  They learned skills from observing their parents, and applied those skills in their mature relationships.  They were prepared for that.

Your reaction is not surprising or unusual though.  We've all been sold a dream from Disney and others that our prince or princess is out there and all we have to do is wander into it and everything just clicks, the romance, then the marriage.  Those movies don't ever show what happens after the dashing prince chooses Cinderella, how their marriage went, same with Beauty and the Beast, or Aladdin.

Can you have it all, sure you can.  But you have to work for that.  Everyone has to pay a price.  If you find it offensive that you have to meet someone else's expectations, then you probably don't reaelly want it as much as the person that ends up getting it.

Funny thing is, I agree with you in a certain way.

Because guess what, what is romantic to me is to choose each other every day, is to help each other grow into their best version, help them achieve their dreams and life purpose, solve problems together, choose each other and the relationship over winning an argument, being there for each other, being open and available, be a safe haven for the other as years go by. THAT is what I call romance. 

If you thought I was talking about dinner with flowers you were wrong.

And yes I want both, the feelings and the practical.

So almost all you say I agree, but that doesn’t mean I have to see things in terms of ‘marketplace’ and ‘demand and supply’ and etc. I’m sorry, but that’s not who I am neither I want a partner who thinks that way.

I don’t need to ‘raise my desirability’ or ‘lower my standards’, I just need to meet the right person at the right time.

 

Edited May 23, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Gaeta]

17 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Finding someone that is suitable for lifelong companionship does not precisely correlate with romance though. 

 

 

ow much more evidence of that do you need before you realize it as an undeniable reality. 

Your reaction is not surprising or unusual though.  We've all been sold a dream from Disney and others that our prince or princess 

You are 100 steps ahead of emilyinroses. She just wants a man who feels masculine enough to ask her out on their first date. 

And she was married before. I don't think we need to explain to her the work relationship and marriage demand.

[dramafreezone]

5 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

 

So all you say I agree, but that doesn’t mean I have to see things in terms of ‘marketplace’ and ‘demand and supply’ and etc. I’m sorry, but that’s not who I am neither I want a partner who thinks that way.

 

Well, whatever you believe, at some point, to reach truth, you have to reconcile your results with your belief system.  The results are the results, they are undeniable, so if the results don't align, only thing left is the realization that the belief system is what's faulty.

[Emilyinroses]

16 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

 

Well, whatever you believe, at some point, to reach truth, you have to reconcile your results with your belief system.  The results are the results, they are undeniable, so if the results don't align, only thing left is the realization that the belief system is what's faulty.

Ever since I got divorced I have been working on myself and growing within. I believe I will meet the right person at the right time and all of this (coming here on this thread, etc) is part of that journey and that growth.

If it’s mandatory in order to find a relationship that I get more desirable and think in terms of marketplace, then I rather be alone for the rest of my life.

There are things I change and evolve, seeing romance that way is not one of them.

Edited May 23, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[dramafreezone]

44 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You are 100 steps ahead of emilyinroses. She just wants a man who feels masculine enough to ask her out on their first date. 

 

Is that it?  Well that's not hard to find at all.  She could swipe right and find 10 of them today if she wanted.

28 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Ever since I got divorced I have been working on myself and growing within. I believe I will meet the right person at the right time and all of this (coming here on this thread, etc) is part of that journey and that growth.

If it’s mandatory in order to find a relationship that I het more desirable and think in terms of marketplace, then I rather be alone for the rest of my life.

There are things I change and evolve, seeing romance that way is not one of them.

That is good and I wish you well on your journey.

All I'm saying is that finding what we want takes deliberate, purposeful action.  I don't understand why people would rather leave something so important as a lifelong companion to fate or chance.  Those that get what they want don't, they make it happen and are aggressive in doing so, they outwork everyone else.   Rigidity and pride doesn't hurt anyone but you.

What I would do, is ensconce myself with the people that have what I want.  That's women that are in the type of marriages that I want to be in, not women in bad marriages, and also put myself in the circles of the men that I want to end up with.  If you were trying to be a lawyer, you'd clerk with lawyers and judges.  If you wanted to be a doctor, you'd shadow with doctors.  

Belief is fine.  Belief backed with a purpose and a plan most reliably results in success.  

Edited May 23, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Emilyinroses]

3 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Is that it?  Well that's not hard to find at all.  She could swipe right and find 10 of them today if she wanted.

That is good and I wish you well on your journey.

All I'm saying is that finding what we want takes deliberate, purposeful action.  I don't understand why people would rather leave something so important as a lifelong companion to fate or chance.  Those that get what they want don't, they make it happen and are aggressive in doing so, they outwork everyone else.   Rigidity and pride doesn't hurt anyone but you.

What I would do, is ensconce myself with the people that have what I want.  That's women that are in the type of marriages that I want to be in, not women in bad marriages, and also put myself in the circles of the men that I want to end up with.  If you were trying to be a lawyer, you'd clerk with lawyers and judges.  If you wanted to be a doctor, you'd shadow with doctors.  

Belief is fine.  Belief backed with a purpose and a plan most reliably results in success.  

I agree with that. Similar to entrepreneurs who surround themselves with people who have successful business and have done it. Like attracts like.

I have a friend who met her husband and she uses to say that it seems quite easy the way it happened, but prior to that she done inner work for months, so it wasn’t random that she met him.

So yes I get what you say about being deliberate and I am being that. But let’s just not take the feelings and romance out of the equation because that is beautiful too.

[Gaeta]

@Emilyinroses It could be you are too eager to meet someone. Myself after being online for 2-3 years I started lowering my expectations and lost valuable time waiting on men. I entertained men on chat up to 3 months and they never asked me out, or they'd ask me out but asked for a 2nd date 3 weeks later. I thought 'love' might be there so lets be patient and open to everything. It never brought anything positive. Each time I ended up in a relationship it was because he made it easy, he set a date, he called/text, he followed up. It was effortless. He liked me and he made it known. 

You are 40, men around your age know how to court a woman. If they don't it's because they don't want to. 

[Ami1uwant]

4 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

I refuse to believe in dating and romance in these terms, like commerce and things, or buying a car. That’s just plain horrible.

I believe that the right man meets the right woman at the right time, and true love has no competition.

No one needs to ‘distinguish themselves from the pack’, because a true connection doesn’t need that. They just get each other.

Maybe I am too romantic, but I refuse to live my life in those vulgar terms.

Thinking about romance in terms of ‘marketplace’ is an insult to my soul.

Isn’t this the fantasy vs reality?  The believe in the movie/ book ideal of instant lovers??

 

there has been many stories on behavior that you wonder if people are looking for that perfect match of 99% vs an 80% match. It’s the settling or maximizer vs satisfier in behavior.  On the surface,  you might see two peop,e dating. Had they met via more traditional ways like you met through face to face meeting somewhere like college or church or volunteer organizations or thry a blind date with a common friend.  Given the prospects they might have gotten beyond the first date and at least had a 6 month relationship.  Instead they met online, the problems with multitude of choice made them not pursue something after a first date even though they were a very good match.

 

 

 

 

[Ami1uwant]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

@Emilyinroses It could be you are too eager to meet someone. Myself after being online for 2-3 years I started lowering my expectations and lost valuable time waiting on men. I entertained men on chat up to 3 months and they never asked me out, or they'd ask me out but asked for a 2nd date 3 weeks later. I thought 'love' might be there so lets be patient and open to everything. It never brought anything positive. Each time I ended up in a relationship it was because he made it easy, he set a date, he called/text, he followed up. It was effortless. He liked me and he made it known. 

You are 40, men around your age know how to court a woman. If they don't it's because they don't want to. 

I agree I would never waste 3 months talking to someone and not meeting face to face if living in the same town.  I remember there was one person I talked to early on after my divorce. We lived about 15 min drive apart. We had really good connection, she wouldn’t meet because she felt she wanted to be absolutely sure this is the one. I told her that isn’t how it works. It doesn’t matter how good you communicate on the phone.  She told me there was another guy she also was talking to. I said forget it. I’m not investing anymore time after a few weeks.

Ialso had experience talking to people who this was the first time doing online after a divorce.  There is a level of uncertainty and unfamiliarity with OLD 15 years ago before it was socially acceptable.  I have sympathy to someone who might not remember how to ride a dating bike after a divorce that ended a 20+ yr relationship and they have no idea how to find a date after high school/collage as a real adult and the complexities that come from meeting people as adults that wasn’t the case in college.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Gaeta]

19 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Isn’t this the fantasy vs reality?  The believe in the movie/ book ideal of instant lovers??

there has been many stories on behavior that you wonder if people are looking for that perfect match of 99% vs an 80% match.

I don't know why some male posters here think it's about finding a fantasy man or fantasy relationship. She just wants to come across a man that she'd like to meet, and who would like to meet her and he'd act like a gentleman and ask her out on a first meeting. She is not asking for anything extraordinary here.