Guy doesn't make concrete plans to meet!

[Gaeta]

I was reading something last night and was reminded of you. It's also something l need to remember in my new dating journey.

They said a man interested in you will set a date pretty fast. The men that go into long chatting are preparing you to let them access easy sex. They know more time they spend talking to you online is less time they'll have to invest in you face to face to bed you. Chatting long before meeting is an easy and cheap way to create familiarity with you. And he does that with 1 to 6 women at the same time.

When l read that a light bulb lite bright in my mind!

@Emilyinrosesl am guarded too. I'm barely 6 months out of a 5 yr relationship.  I suggest you view it as being *cautious*. We are the stories we tell ourselves. If you keep thinking you're guarded, you're afraid to get hurt, you're setting the table for that to happen again. Change your story for : this time around you are cautious, you will detach from the outcome for the 3 first dates, the goal is to enjoy yourself and most importantly to meet a great guy you have to beleive in your heart they do exist and when you meet one it will unfold with no effort.

[Alpacalia]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

The men that go into long chatting are preparing you to let them access easy sex.

Or, they're just not interested.

[Emilyinroses]

8 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I was reading something last night and was reminded of you. It's also something l need to remember in my new dating journey.

They said a man interested in you will set a date pretty fast. The men that go into long chatting are preparing you to let them access easy sex. They know more time they spend talking to you online is less time they'll have to invest in you face to face to bed you. Chatting long before meeting is an easy and cheap way to create familiarity with you. And he does that with 1 to 6 women at the same time.

When l read that a light bulb lite bright in my mind!

@Emilyinrosesl am guarded too. I'm barely 6 months out of a 5 yr relationship.  I suggest you view it as being *cautious*. We are the stories we tell ourselves. If you keep thinking you're guarded, you're afraid to get hurt, you're setting the table for that to happen again. Change your story for : this time around you are cautious, you will detach from the outcome for the 3 first dates, the goal is to enjoy yourself and most importantly to meet a great guy you have to beleive in your heart they do exist and when you meet one it will unfold with no effort.

There are also men who set up a date pretty fast because they are not interested in who you are and just want sex. Also there are other ones who chat long because they have no intentions of meeting (just want attention and validation).

So there are all sorts of scenarios. But I am tired of focusing on that and why they do this or do that. From now on my focus will be on having fun, enjoying the chat, the dates, etc. Joy is my new word.

If I don’t feel it with someone, I just move on quickly with ease and grace. 

Actually I’m curious to change my energy and how I come across into more positive and light and see how the dating experience also changes.

Edited May 22, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Gaeta]

Just now, Alpaca said:

Or, they're just not interested.

I think a man that is not interested will text but will be inconsistant. The guy from this story was consistant, initiating text and calls, throwing the word meeting in the air. Feeding her hopes

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, Emilyinroses said:

There are also men who set up a date pretty fast because they are not interested in who you are and just want sex. 

I would still take my chance with a man that wants to meet fast and judge him during our meeting. 

[Alpacalia]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

I think a man that is not interested will text but will be inconsistant. The guy from this story was consistant, initiating text and calls, throwing the word meeting in the air. Feeding her hopes

Yes, I see your point too.

I'm glad Emilyinroses seems to be in a much better state of mind.

Which is good.

 

[Emilyinroses]

13 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I would still take my chance with a man that wants to meet fast and judge him during our meeting. 

Agree. It takes more courage to ask on a date and meet face to face than to keep texting endlessly and never ask to meet.

[Emilyinroses]

18 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I think a man that is not interested will text but will be inconsistant. The guy from this story was consistant, initiating text and calls, throwing the word meeting in the air. Feeding her hopes

What I meant was maybe he was just interested in that, consistent chatting and attention, not interested in meeting and anything real.

[Gaeta]

11 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

What I meant was maybe he was just interested in that, consistent chatting and attention, not interested in meeting and anything real.

Men always have sex in mind. Always. 

[Emilyinroses]

21 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Men always have sex in mind. Always. 

Well sex is great, who can blame them!? 🤷‍♀️

[Versacehottie]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

@Emilyinrosesl am guarded too. I'm barely 6 months out of a 5 yr relationship.  I suggest you view it as being *cautious*. We are the stories we tell ourselves. If you keep thinking you're guarded, you're afraid to get hurt, you're setting the table for that to happen again. Change your story for : this time around you are cautious, you will detach from the outcome for the 3 first dates, the goal is to enjoy yourself and most importantly to meet a great guy you have to beleive in your heart they do exist and when you meet one it will unfold with no effort.

I agree with a lot of what you said above Gaeta...all the bolded!!

About this below:

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

They said a man interested in you will set a date pretty fast. The men that go into long chatting are preparing you to let them access easy sex. They know more time they spend talking to you online is less time they'll have to invest in you face to face to bed you. Chatting long before meeting is an easy and cheap way to create familiarity with you. And he does that with 1 to 6 women at the same time.

I think I'd be cautious of setting hard and fast rules or parameters that might not apply though, especially if a person tends to be too cautious or have a wall up---the goal is to stay open and manage your emotions regardless and to see the other person as a person rather than someone who fits into a predetermined set of rules, which is almost just permission to put up another blockage or close down your heart and panic about one aspect of their behavior in a bubble IMO.  I'm sure cautious people can give a million scenarios of why they will be hurt or in some danger of some sort if they chat with a guy or go on a date. To me, the goal has to be, getting them to open up and know they will be ok no matter what vs giving them additional things to worry about, overthink and get angry about. Hopefully if a guy takes too long to ask the OP or you or any girl out, she will have the sense about herself to know on an individual basis if she should cut him loose altogether (NO), ask him out herself (YES), or put him on the back burner until he gets his asking out act together (MAYBE).  I personally think the level of investment until a guy asks you out and until you go, should be he's a MAYBE. You don't overinvest cause how in the world would you know at this point anyway--you'd need so much more time and a face to face or 10 of them to have a much better idea.  Also no guy can prepare you to let them access easy sex if you do not allow it.

[Versacehottie]

2 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Or, they're just not interested.

Agreed, they are probably just not "that" interested or it's not a priority for them. Who knows what the reason of why that is? Focus on yourself and it won't matter.

They can become less interested due to how your first handful of interactions went, be more intrigued by someone else, get busy with the rest of life, have other priorities, etc.

Not all the reasons are so devious.  

[Gaeta]

22 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

if a guy takes too long to ask the OP or you or any girl out, she will have the sense about herself to know on an individual basis if she should cut him loose altogether (NO), ask him out herself (YES), or put him on the back burner until he gets his asking out act together (MAYBE).  

So if you were OP you would initiate the first date? 

OP won't, if it happenned to me l would not. And it"s ok for women to not want to deal with men sitting on their hands. Doesn't make us shallow or bitter, we just don't wsnt to fill that role. Chances are with that man we would always have to fill that role, just better to not get into it at all.

[Ami1uwant]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I was reading something last night and was reminded of you. It's also something l need to remember in my new dating journey.

They said a man interested in you will set a date pretty fast. The men that go into long chatting are preparing you to let them access easy sex. They know more time they spend talking to you online is less time they'll have to invest in you face to face to bed you. Chatting long before meeting is an easy and cheap way to create familiarity with you. And he does that with 1 to 6 women at the same time.

When l read that a light bulb lite bright in my mind!

@Emilyinrosesl am guarded too. I'm barely 6 months out of a 5 yr relationship.  I suggest you view it as being *cautious*. We are the stories we tell ourselves. If you keep thinking you're guarded, you're afraid to get hurt, you're setting the table for that to happen again. Change your story for : this time around you are cautious, you will detach from the outcome for the 3 first dates, the goal is to enjoy yourself and most importantly to meet a great guy you have to beleive in your heart they do exist and when you meet one it will unfold with no effort.

It depends on who it is.  Newbies to online dating unsure how it works will take longer. People more experience will be quick to meet because rbey know face to face time is what matters no matter how well it goes on the phone.

 

other factors in planning to meet face to face are other factors like how far apart you two live. You might live in the same metro area and don’t work that far from each other, but your residences are 1 hr+ in drive time with traffic.  This matters much more than if you lived in the same town 10 min drive time from each other.  It’s even more so if you live 2 hrs apart or more

[Ami1uwant]

33 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

So if you were OP you would initiate the first date? 

OP won't, if it happenned to me l would not. And it"s ok for women to not want to deal with men sitting on their hands. Doesn't make us shallow or bitter, we just don't wsnt to fill that role. Chances are with that man we would always have to fill that role, just better to not get into it at all.

Im not offended if she brought it up.  I’m the type if we talk on the phone and the conversation lasts 30+ min I will ask her out by the rnd of the phone call. If it’s a shorter 10 min call I’d wait till the next time we talk.

[Ami1uwant]

5 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

That’s exactly what I have been doing, ‘I’ll put forth my best effort when the guy is worth it’, but then if I attract a guy who feels the same, I’ll never go anywhere with anyone.

Yes agree, casual with a relationship developing organically. That’s what happened many years ago with my now exhusband.

And take one date at a time, each conversation at a time, see how I feel, etc. Yes play the long game.

 

 

if you are going on dates with sometimes using your best effort while other times going through the motions.....the other person sees that.

 

you should always be yourself but go into the date looking to enjoy your time and not expect this person to be your next SO., nor judge them against that measuring stick.

 

if you have enjoyed your time and their weren’t any major flags raised, you should get together with them again and see how it goes, still without such a high bar.

 

 

[Miss Spider]

Some people like to talk a long time and build a relationship before they meet. Some like to talk for months and years(srs)People have fallen “in love” via Internet before meeting the person 

 

I am not like that. You got to decide what you want and set a time accordingly. I lost interest if there wasn’t movement to meet within 2 or 3  exchanges. Id just go talk to someone else. MANY times the person would hit me up a few days later asking flat out want to meet. I guess they got the hint or smthing. But yea. If yoo cute, I cute, you cool, I cool... Let’s see if we hit it off in person because I’m not on there for chit chat 

Edited May 23, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Emilyinroses]

6 hours ago, Gaeta said:

So if you were OP you would initiate the first date? 

OP won't, if it happenned to me l would not. And it"s ok for women to not want to deal with men sitting on their hands. Doesn't make us shallow or bitter, we just don't wsnt to fill that role. Chances are with that man we would always have to fill that role, just better to not get into it at all.

I do not initiate the date either and that has nothing to do with being bitter or afraid of getting hurt but is just my preference.

I don’t like guys who ‘hint’ but don’t make a move themselves. That’s not my thing.

I like men who are upfront, open and direct and  are not wishy washy giving hints expecting me to ask them.

They just ask. Directly. Simple. That’s my kind of guy. To me that’s sexy AF. 

So to me when I see a guy like the one in this thread I just move along. 

And to be honest I am pretty good in reading people even online and get a feeling for whom they are. The only thing I need to change is moving along quicker and stay positive.

Edited May 23, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Ami1uwant]

10 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

I do not initiate the date either and that has nothing to do with being bitter or afraid of getting hurt but is just my preference.

I don’t like guys who ‘hint’ but don’t make a move themselves. That’s not my thing.

I like men who are upfront, open and direct and  are not wishy washy giving hints expecting me to ask them.

They just ask. Directly. Simple. That’s my kind of guy. To me that’s sexy AF. 

So to me when I see a guy like the one in this thread I just move along. 

And to be honest I am pretty good in reading people even online and get a feeling for whom they are. The only thing I need to change is moving along quicker and stay positive.

 

from my personal experience sometimes seeing a woman is interested is very difficult so sometimes put up statements indirectly is a way to see interest.

 

I respect women. If I happen to meet her I don’t this to be a thing I’m hitting on her. Being direct might come off that way.

[Versacehottie]

16 hours ago, Gaeta said:

So if you were OP you would initiate the first date? 

OP won't, if it happenned to me l would not. And it"s ok for women to not want to deal with men sitting on their hands. Doesn't make us shallow or bitter, we just don't wsnt to fill that role. Chances are with that man we would always have to fill that role, just better to not get into it at all.

I think it's something she should consider every once in a while, dependent on the particular guy and situation.  So yes it was one of the THREE options I suggested. 

My main point is that if you have someone who has a tendency to be closed off and can use any slightest reason to dismiss a guy or go into negative, unproductive territory, the last thing they need is yet another reason--based on something general and arbitrary--to do that or worry about.  IMO, OP and people who think like her about dating need more reasons to stay open-minded than they need anything else. 

Lol, you know my general posting history, G😊In general, of course, I think things tend to go better if the guy is the one asking out (traditional dating model) and in general, I don't think a person should waste a ton of time sending messages on an app--in fact, I think meeting up asap is pretty much the best thing TO DO.  I also think if a girl is insisting on being the one asked out by the guy and he's not doing it, then no need to drop him necessarily just move him to the back burner--effectively you have no idea why he's not moving forward just yet.  Unless he's annoying or disrespectful to you or you simply lost interested in him altogether or gained a committed relationship of your own. I actually know LOTS of people whose relationship came to them but not in the direct fashion that some people expect.  Such as thinking, "oh we matched on May 23rd and if he doesn't ask me out by May 30th, i'm done with him and going to unmatch"  Sorry, life just doesn't always follow that script.  For example, a girl I know via work got married to a guy that she matched with online and then for whatever reason they did not go out but reconnected a year later and got married.  A guy I'm friends with who is a great guy, was dating two women from online, chose one of them and let the other girl go nicely and respectfully AND TRUTHFULLY telling her he was choosing the other girl, only to realize months later he made a huge mistake and got in touch with the one he let go and asked for & got another chance & they recently moved in together. They are very serious about each other and he's totally in love. Some my point is that it often doesn't come in the way we expect or the follows some rule.  The important thing is to stay open and listen to your own intuition and knowing that you can rely on yourself about emotions and if you are worthy, it will work out with the right person.

Taking that same logic BACK to the question of "would I initiate the first date"? Probably not my first preference or inclination but yes probably/possibly.  Also if something came up organically, I would definitely do that. Since I'm giving examples this am, I will throw in another...another girl friend via work was online dating and she is traditional and I would say kind of shy or introverted. She met a guy online and had just started messaging with him and it was going well..the following day she already had a little house party planned, so she invited him.  They've been together EVER since THAT DAY, completely inseparable. This guy who she ended up marrying is definitely not beta, timid or anything like that (in fact, as I said, she is far more the shy one of the two).  Additionally, he's quite a catch--great job, outgoing, personable, etc etc.  Exactly the sort of guy who would have no problem initiating.  Maybe he was impressed by her that she did/went outside a comfort zone or what is the norm.  There is a lot a woman would be demonstrating about HERSELF (in a good way) if and when she does initiate--it's definitely not all bad. Probably stepping away from all or nothing thinking would ALSO help the OP or others that fall into bad dating thinking patterns., which hard and fast rules definitely fall into that category. Lastly, I find it interesting that some women who are controlling and/or rigid in a lot of ways or dominating (which a lot of men like or chose) would try so hard to conceal that fact by NOT initiating when basically if the two end up in a relationship together, that totally is not how it's gonna go 🤪😭  lol, that may have more to do with social norms though. But yeah, every once in a while buck the trend.  Here's the thing, when people describe how they met the love of their life, it almost always has the quality of "i never did this before", ie there's an element of pushing their own boundaries usually in these stories, so when appropriate, I would encourage people to do that. Especially if their boundaries are actually the things confining them to being single because they are too arbitrary, nonsense, or too restrictive, too judgmental, too knee jerk, etc. 

Edited May 23, 2021 by Versacehottie

[dramafreezone]

54 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

I think it's something she should consider every once in a while, dependent on the particular guy and situation.  So yes it was one of the THREE options I suggested. 

My main point is that if you have someone who has a tendency to be closed off and can use any slightest reason to dismiss a guy or go into negative, unproductive territory, the last thing they need is yet another reason--based on something general and arbitrary--to do that or worry about.  IMO, OP and people who think like her about dating need more reasons to stay open-minded than they need anything else. 

 

Too many of us have made up our doctrines and our strict framework, when we forget that people are different and you can't put everyone into broad categories for sake of convenience.  Actually looking for good guys(and women) is hard work that takes patience and comittment.  You can't shortcut it by putting together some rules that will spit out your ideal guy.

The very best IT systems/programs have flaws that have to be revised, patched.  But we can't do this for ourselves often enough.

Edited May 23, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Gaeta]

17 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Chances are with that man we would always have to fill that role, just better to not get into it at all.

There is a new thread *shy or unintetested* from this morning that supports my point. She initiated their 5 first dates now she's stuck the role she didn't want in the first place.

Sorry l don't know how to link from my phone.

Also finding a partner is a long journey, if we lose time with people that are out of norm that journey will last a life time.  I've done it. I spoke with many men that acted out of norm and l gave them chances because maybe he would end up being this diamond in the rock. That lead me to 3,5 years online. None of them were that diamond in the rock as l hoped. They just end up being several detours, l should l stayed on the main road with behaviors l know mean interest.

[dramafreezone]

8 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

There is a new thread *shy or unintetested* from this morning that supports my point. She initiated their 5 first dates now she's stuck the role she didn't want in the first place.

Sorry l don't know how to link from my phone.

Also finding a partner is a long journey, if we lose time with people that are out of norm that journey will last a life time.  I've done it. I spoke with many men that acted out of norm and l gave them chances because maybe he would end up being this diamond in the rock. That lead me to 3,5 years online. None of them were that diamond in the rock as l hoped. They just end up being several detours, l should l stayed on the main road with behaviors l know mean interest.

But you had your belief before you starting looking for those guys.  You approached it as an experiement rather than accepting a new belief system, which is fine, except that 3-5 years when we already have had so many entrenched beliefs is not enough time.  At that point it's an uphill battle because at least on a subconscious level you're looking to confirm your biases that have been present for so long.  It's more comforting to confirm our biases than to accept that some of our core tenets may be rooted in falsehood, or not applied accurately in every situation.

[Versacehottie]

10 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

There is a new thread *shy or unintetested* from this morning that supports my point. She initiated their 5 first dates now she's stuck the role she didn't want in the first place.

Sorry l don't know how to link from my phone.

Also finding a partner is a long journey, if we lose time with people that are out of norm that journey will last a life time.  I've done it. I spoke with many men that acted out of norm and l gave them chances because maybe he would end up being this diamond in the rock. That lead me to 3,5 years online. None of them were that diamond in the rock as l hoped. They just end up being several detours, l should l stayed on the main road with behaviors l know mean interest.

I haven't seen that thread yet but just on the basics that that girl initiated 5 dates from the first one on, is different than what I'm suggesting for sure. That's chasing and it's not balanced. That's SURELY the reason she is in that situation, NOT because she initiated the first date, but because she initiated the second and third and fourth and fifth.. 

I see no harm in getting something started or making it easy to get started by giving the other person the benefit of the doubt in some cases about some things but then same as always you have to let your intuition guide you and just what is fair and balanced---and she looks like she ignored that part.   So "rules" only help you so much they are not a substitute for good common sense and using this as an example of a rule working is kind of exactly the problem because I would say it's an example of a misinterpreting of the rule.  Asking out once or first is different than asking out every subsequent date and doing all the work and chasing the guy.

[Gaeta]

10 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

But you had your belief before you starting looking for those guys.  You approached it as an experiement rather than accepting a new belief system

No, I did that because as a Libra I am a hopeless romantic and truly beleived I could find love anywhere and maybe he was hiding in a man not acting like the mainstream. I was sincerely open to anything.