Guy doesn't make concrete plans to meet!

[Ami1uwant]

6 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I don't know why some male posters here think it's about finding a fantasy man or fantasy relationship. She just wants to come across a man that she'd like to meet, and who would like to meet her and he'd act like a gentleman and ask her out on a first meeting. She is not asking for anything extraordinary here. 

 

talking about fate, or it will just happen is too idealistic and unlikely to happen.  It’s in that Cinderella stories girls were raised on thus wanting in meeting their knight...

 

love just doesn’t happen out of thin air. It’s something you need to want and put effort into.

[Alpacalia]

18 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

She just wants to come across a man that she'd like to meet, and who would like to meet her and he'd act like a gentleman and ask her out on a first meeting. She is not asking for anything extraordinary here. 

But he did.

He just didn't have actual plans in mind or propose plans after he mentioned they meet.

On 5/18/2021 at 2:35 PM, Emilyinroses said:

He mentioned twice for us to meet and twice I responded that  would like to do that, and nothing. No concrete plans to meet from him.

What if she had said, "sure, what did you have in mind?" Maybe they would have actually met up.

I think if she was really jazzed about him she might have offered something for them to do herself but maybe she just wasn't all that jazzed about him after all.

[Gaeta]

Ok, now some of you are putting doubts in my mind. 

@Emilyinroses How did he phrase this *mention of meeting* ? 

[Alpacalia]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Ok, now some of you are putting doubts in my mind. 

@Emilyinroses How did he phrase this *mention of meeting* ? 

I'm curious about that too.

[Gaeta]

17 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

talking about fate, or it will just happen is too idealistic and unlikely to happen.  It’s in that Cinderella stories girls were raised on thus wanting in meeting their knight...

love just doesn’t happen out of thin air. It’s something you need to want and put effort into.

She's a romantic that's why she talks the way she does. Underneeth her romantic layer you will find logic and emotional maturity. She knows relationships are work. But, I personally beleive that at the very beginning it should unfold without effort. At the beginning there is no relationship, just 2 people attracted to each other so there shouldn't be any block in the road. 

[salparadise]

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

Isn’t this the fantasy vs reality?  The believe in the movie/ book ideal of instant lovers??

many stories on behavior that you wonder if people are looking for that perfect match of 99% vs an 80% match. It’s the settling or maximizer vs satisfier in behavior.

Yup. Barry Schwartz figured it out and wrote the book. The Paradox of Choice. I bet most people (women in particular) never give that concept a second thought. They just want what they want... which is not just a good man, but the best man. Tall, trim, muscular, high status, wealthy and life-of-the-party extroversion. And they expect that such a man will take one look at her (or her photo) and be totally smitten such that he goes immediately into hot pursuit mode... wooing, cooing, fine dining, flowers. And if he's not all that and a bag of chips––he's just not the one you're "meant to be with", not your destiny. 

 

52 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I don't know why some male posters here think it's about finding a fantasy man or fantasy relationship.

There is a question on OKC that asks, "is a soulmate worth waiting for?" I'm not exaggerating, I don't think I've ever seen a woman answer no to that question. Maybe the ones who don't think in terms of soulmates pass on the question, I don't know. And there are other questions that test one's grasp on reality, and invariably the women choose answers based on fantasy. "Does everything happen for a reason?" They all say yes (99 percent). So if a bird flying overhead takes a crap and scores a bullseye on your forehead, there's some mystical meaning in there somewhere? They should be teaching them critical thinking instead of parking them in front of the TV to watch Disney movies their entire childhood. Cinderella is just the farthest thing from reality that one can imagine, but it sets the expectation and drives a lot of behavior.

I've had a few decent relationships in the past ten years, and every single one were satificers, at least in the short term. There is aversion to risk in dating, and so many people deal with that by setting the bar unattainably high. If the other person is not obviously out of their league, it's just not worth the effort or risk. I'm not saying this applies to everyone––obviously is does not. But I suspect that the women on the OLD sites have a lot more in common than just being on the site.

Edited May 24, 2021 by salparadise

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, salparadise said:

which is not just a good man, but the best man. Tall, trim, muscular, high status, wealthy and life-of-the-party extroversion. And they expect that such a man will take one look at her (or her photo) and be totally smitten such that he goes immediately into hot pursuit mode... wooing, cooing, fine dining, flowers. And if he's not all that and a bag of chips––he's just not the one you're "meant to be with", not your destiny. 

*rolling my eyes* pleeeeeease. OP is not 15, she's a 40 yo divorcée. 

[dramafreezone]

58 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I don't know why some male posters here think it's about finding a fantasy man or fantasy relationship. She just wants to come across a man that she'd like to meet, and who would like to meet her and he'd act like a gentleman and ask her out on a first meeting. She is not asking for anything extraordinary here. 

Well put like that it does sound very reasonable.   But this part:

Quote

She just wants to come across a man that she'd like to meet

well this is the rub isn't it?  I know she had a big issue with the idea of supply and demand, but the only conculsion that we can come to is that there's not a lot of men in her dating pool if she can't find many of them that she'd like to meet.  You make it sound so simple but why is it so difficult to find them, if low supply isn't really a thing?  She has to do some diagnosis here.

Edited May 24, 2021 by dramafreezone

[salparadise]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

*rolling my eyes* pleeeeeease. OP is not 15, she's a 40 yo divorcée. 

I don't think age has much to do with it. It's about beliefs, expectations, and creating something rather than believing it's always going to fall in your lap. Women have a lot of expectations when it comes to this stuff.

[Gaeta]

9 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

 there's not a lot of men in her dating pool if she can't find many of them that she'd like to meet.  You make it sound so simple but why is it so difficult to find them, if low supply isn't really a thing?  She has to do some diagnosis here.

I prob did not explain myself clearly. There are men in her dating pool, supply is not the problem. Her problem is often these men are passive. They talk and talk but don't make an invitation to meet.

[Gaeta]

13 minutes ago, salparadise said:

 believing it's always going to fall in your lap. 

Well, l would not call it *fall in my lap* but by experience, and only concerning those very first few dates that turned into more, for me yes those first dates were effortless as we both had an interest in each other. There was no wondering if he liked me or not. They were clear they liked me, l was clear l liked them. Date 1,2,3 happenned easily.

All the other meetings that started with doubts, frustration, uncertainty, did not amount to anything.

Again the subject here those very firts meeting, not the complexity and demands of relationships.

[dramafreezone]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

I prob did not explain myself clearly. There are men in her dating pool, supply is not the problem. Her problem is often these men are passive. They talk and talk but don't make an invitation to meet.

Well that is one possibility.  Another possibility is that they're losing attraction to her and declining to proceed forward.  She has to consider all possibilities, not just the ones that make her feel better about herself.

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, salparadise said:

Yup. Barry Schwartz figured it out and wrote the book. The Paradox of Choice. I bet most people (women in particular) never give that concept a second thought. They just want what they want... which is not just a good man, but the best man. Tall, trim, muscular, high status, wealthy and life-of-the-party extroversion. And they expect that such a man will take one look at her (or her photo) and be totally smitten such that he goes immediately into hot pursuit mode... wooing, cooing, fine dining, flowers. And if he's not all that and a bag of chips––he's just not the one you're "meant to be with", not your destiny. 

 

There is a question on OKC that asks, "is a soulmate worth waiting for?" I'm not exaggerating, I don't think I've ever seen a woman answer no to that question. Maybe the ones who don't think in terms of soulmates pass on the question, I don't know. And there are other questions that test one's grasp on reality, and invariably the women choose answers based on fantasy. "Does everything happen for a reason?" They all say yes (99 percent). So if a bird flying overhead takes a crap and scores a bullseye on your forehead, there's some mystical meaning in there somewhere? They should be teaching them critical thinking instead of parking them in front of the TV to watch Disney movies their entire childhood. Cinderella is just the farthest thing from reality that one can imagine, but it sets the expectation and drives a lot of behavior.

I've had a few decent relationships in the past ten years, and every single one were satificers, at least in the short term. There is aversion to risk in dating, and so many people deal with that by setting the bar unattainably high. If the other person is not obviously out of their league, it's just not worth the effort or risk. I'm not saying this applies to everyone––obviously is does not. But I suspect that the women on the OLD sites have a lot more in common than just being on the site.

 

Paradox of choice is one source but there are others that talk about human behavior in making decisions.  
 

for example ..in grocery stores you see people offering new samples.  If you have a few people decide, then buy, and buy again. If you have many choices they can’t decide, don’t ever buy.

 

the maximizer vs satisfyer behavior everyone can show when making a big decisions such as buying a house or if they need to buy a new appliance they might have never bought or not bought in years.  Someone who rented and never bought appliances aren’t familiar with all out there if they have to buy there own Then research what’s all out there.  Others are just replacing with a new one and just go with a similar model to what they have had like people replacing an old car with a new car of the same type.  

 

 

 

 

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Well, l would not call it *fall in my lap* but by experience, and only concerning those very first few dates that turned into more, for me yes those first dates were effortless as we both had an interest in each other. There was no wondering if he liked me or not. They were clear they liked me, l was clear l liked them. Date 1,2,3 happenned easily.

All the other meetings that started with doubts, frustration, uncertainty, did not amount to anything.

Again the subject here those very firts meeting, not the complexity and demands of relationships.

Sure...that’s great if it happens that way.  Many have had the experience where date 1 or 2 seemed to go effortless Then nothing more.  Some times people show one behavior but they really are different.

 

what I’m saying is effort is needed by both.  Some think they will just sit there and do nothing and it will come to them.

 

 

 

 

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

*rolling my eyes* pleeeeeease. OP is not 15, she's a 40 yo divorcée. 

Age doesn’t matter when it comes to adult dating.  Experience does.  I don’t know how long the OP dated peop,e before marriage as an adult. If her husband was someone she met at college, they were together for 3-5 yrs before marriage, got married, now divorced....she is no adult dating experience so her expectations or ideals might not match modern reality.

 

women want equality but when it comes to courting they want men to do the work in wooing her.  There is a problem here

[Emilyinroses]

6 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I don't know why some male posters here think it's about finding a fantasy man or fantasy relationship. She just wants to come across a man that she'd like to meet, and who would like to meet her and he'd act like a gentleman and ask her out on a first meeting. She is not asking for anything extraordinary here. 

Believe me, I have my eyes wide open and do not want any movie fantasy. I want a REAL relationship and am ready for that.

One of sharing, caring for each other, growing together.

Yes I just want a mature man who knows how to be a man. Not kids who are playing games. That’s it.

I am changing my approach, staying positive, moving on quickly if they are not a match and not waste emotions on them. Also, start with friendship without expectations and taking it from there.

Edited May 24, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[salparadise]

2 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

Also, start with friendship without expectations and taking it from there.

Oh please, please, please... leave that word out. This isn't about friendship in any way, shape, or form. Most men (the smart ones) will just say adios if you say that. Nobody dates friends. That's another fantasy notion.

Some will argue, of course. In this context, friendship is contained within, and is dependent upon, the romantic relationship. It basically means that you like them and enjoy their company in addition to the romance part. More often, in the context of initial phase dating, it means withholding sex for some indeterminate amount of time, with the expectation of one-way courtship and extended wooing. More fantasy.. 

[Wiseman2]

There's really only two types of guys.

Interested.

And not interested.

You could make a bunch of categories, such as "texts but..." etc, but that's the bottom line.

Edited May 24, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Emilyinroses]

1 hour ago, salparadise said:

Oh please, please, please... leave that word out. This isn't about friendship in any way, shape, or form. Most men (the smart ones) will just say adios if you say that. Nobody dates friends. That's another fantasy notion.

Some will argue, of course. In this context, friendship is contained within, and is dependent upon, the romantic relationship. It basically means that you like them and enjoy their company in addition to the romance part. More often, in the context of initial phase dating, it means withholding sex for some indeterminate amount of time, with the expectation of one-way courtship and extended wooing. More fantasy.. 

Actually that’s not what I meant at all. 

What I mean by friendship is basically getting to know each other without pressure. If we feel it, fine, if we don’t, fine.

And actually there a LOT of men on OLD who say that ‘friendship first’.

I actually like to be more fluid and more organic and go with the flow. 

Edited May 24, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Emilyinroses]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

There's really only two types of guys.

Interested.

And not interested.

You could make a bunch of categories, such as "texts but..." etc, but that's the bottom line.

Exactly. The ones that are interested, act on it. The ones that are not, are wishy washy, flaky, ghost and come back, etc. 

[Donnas]

Maybe he is not interested.

But just playing around.

When a guy see something he really wants he go for it. He don't wait this long and for ever.

[salparadise]

48 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

actually there a LOT of men on OLD who say that ‘friendship first’.

They’re either blowing smoke up your ass, or they’re intellectually challenged. 

[Emilyinroses]

4 hours ago, salparadise said:

They’re either blowing smoke up your ass, or they’re intellectually challenged. 

‘Intelectually challenged’??? Is that another way to say dumb? 😂

[d0nnivain]

10 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

‘Intelectually challenged’??? Is that another way to say dumb? 😂

yes

[Emilyinroses]

28 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

yes

Many guys who say that have their own reasons but being dumb I don’t think is one of them.