Jump to content

My husband Cheated after 25 years of marriage I think I divorce


AngelaLucania

Recommended Posts

AngelaLucania

I'm considering divorce after 25 yrs of marriage.  I walked in in my husband having sex with my best friend.  Im so hurt, and confused.  I was completely blindsided. I never suspected any of this. My husband and I were always so close and I thought he loved and respected me. This is not him! He has always been a good man. We have two children together  and this would destroy them. I am also broken because my best friend. We have been friends since middle school.  We've been through every thing together.  Marriage, child birth our kids are best friends. She is calling and texting me constantly. Begging to talk. My husband is beside himself with guilt. It was only a one time thing. But I don't think I can get past this.  My best friend?! Of all women.  He claims he is physically attracted to her. She's Brazilian and beautiful, she's always catching a man's eye, but I never mistrusted her for a second with my husband. My husband is seeking help and asking me to join him.  I just feel so distant. I cannot collect my thoughts.  Is it shock? It's just surreal. I dont have my best friend or husband to turn to. They are the people who saw me through everything.  I'm 45 I don't want to start over. But I don't know what to do.  My husband is showering me with affection...He always has, but now he is pleading with me not to leave him. He says that he will do anything to make this right. My friends husband is filing for divorce. Cheating is his deal breaker said. He encouraged me to do the same, but he also made a sexual advance towards me today. I think of the kids. I feel that I am throwing my life away if I I divorce him.  But I cannot see myself intimate with him ever again.  I'm so hurt. I'm all alone, my two people betrayed me. Has anyone been through this, after so much investment.  I can't help but hurt for our kids. Any advice, insite. Fresh perspective. Please. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Right now you are in shock. You don’t need to do anything at this moment.

I would request space from him so you can think.

Sorry but this is part of who your husband is or he wouldn’t have been having sex with your friend would he? Also your friend is a snake and should be permanently banned from your life. If she’s married inform her husband immediately. Do not make the mistake of helping them hide their affair. Do not skip this step. It’s the best way to end their affair.

I would bet this has been going on longer than you think. Go online and take a good look at his cellphone bill. See how much calls/texts to her there are and you should be able to tell how long this has been going on.

Cheaters are notorious liars so you can’t believe anything he says. All cheaters lie hide and deny. 
 

The other thing you need to understand. You did not cause your husband to cheat on you.  This was 100% his fault. It didn’t just happen either. It was a choice/decision he made. 
 

Keep posting for more support. You’re going to need it.

Edited by Marc878
  • Like 2
  • Thanks 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Do not jump into marriage counseling upfront. Let him go to individual counseling first.  Your marriage isn’t broken he is.

You have to be so careful with marriage counselors. That field is full of morons that can cause more damage than help. They are not gods. If anyone tries to blame you for his affair walk away.
 

Do not offer reconciliation upfront either.

For that you’d need:

A remorseful husband not just sorry he got caught.

The full truth. Cheaters lie a lot. 

No contact with the affair partner. Permanently (if they have contact the affair will continue).

Transparency 

Reconciliation takes 2-5 years average with your husband pulling the heavier load.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Your husband and his affair partner will do everything they can to keep you from informing her husband, etc. 
 

Do not play their games. Inform her husband. You will need support so it would be a good idea to let your parents know or close friends as well.
 

Affairs thrive in secrecy and the dark. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, AngelaLucania said:

  I'm 45 I don't want to start over. But I don't know what to do. 

Sorry this happened. First place to start is with a physician for STD testing and a referral to a therapist to unpack and sort this out confidentiality. 

The next call to make is to an attorney to discuss your situation and options in the event of divorce.

Do not tell your husband. Do not threaten divorce.

You are already "starting over". He moved the goalposts, changed the marriage forever and brought into question if what you had was a lie.

Speak frankly with very trusted friends and family. Especially get legal advice and professional emotional support.

Keep your kids out of it. 

In the meantime ask him to move out (he doesn't have to, until you divorce), but ask.

Don't just forgive and forget pretending that will bring comfort. It won't. You'll be forever wondering if anything he says or does is true.

Find a place to reflect in peace. Start with professional advice.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
assertives

I'm sorry this happened to you. I cannot imagine the hurt, and disgust I would experience if I was in your shoes.

I would say to take some time, perhaps a week or several to collect your thoughts, emotions and energy to think this through before deciding what your next steps would be. Go stay with your parents or family for abit and put both your best friend and husband on mute in the meantime. Wrt your husband, I guess a good start would be to decide for yourself if cheating is a deal-breaker. Wrt your best friend, I personally would drop her.

  • Thanks 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
8 hours ago, AngelaLucania said:

. My husband is seeking help and asking me to join him. 

What exactly for? It is not rocket science. 
He found your best friend very attractive and decided to have sex with her.. What good will therapy do

Therapist: why did you do it?
Him: She was beautiful and hot.. and I thought we would never be found out
Therapist: Don't sleep with your wife's hot Brazilian best friend
Him:. oh OK, I'll try to remember that...

A bit of a coincidence that you just happened to find them at it, the very first time they did it...
Yeah sure...

Edited by elaine567
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
AngelaLucania
9 hours ago, Marc878 said:

Right now you are in shock. You don’t need to do anything at this moment.

I would request space from him so you can think.

Sorry but this is part of who your husband is or he wouldn’t have been having sex with your friend would he? Also your friend is a snake and should be permanently banned from your life. If she’s married inform her husband immediately. Do not make the mistake of helping them hide their affair. Do not skip this step. It’s the best way to end their affair.

I would bet this has been going on longer than you think. Go online and take a good look at his cellphone bill. See how much calls/texts to her there are and you should be able to tell how long this has been going on.

Cheaters are notorious liars so you can’t believe anything he says. All cheaters lie hide and deny. 
 

The other thing you need to understand. You did not cause your husband to cheat on you.  This was 100% his fault. It didn’t just happen either. It was a choice/decision he made. 
 

Keep posting for more support. You’re going to need it.

Thank You.  Her husband put her out and is filing for divorce. I know it may be in my best interests as well to get divorced. I will always be suspicious and not trusting. My friend is a snake. I just found out that she told my husband yesterday that I was pregnant. I somehow got pregnant???!!! He was always careful with me. I can't have a baby now. I told my friend I was pregnant and she saw me yesterday morning leaving a abortion clinic. I was looking at my options now that my husband cheated. But she TOLD HIM! Now he is frantically trying to contact me. I don't know what to do now.  

Link to post
Share on other sites

Wow. You need time to clear your head. Don’t make any decision for a couple of months or until you are able to think clearly. I always suggest that the marriage ended when the cheater started cheating. Divorce then go from there if the relationship can be salvaged afterwards with a new start. This gives you time to heal and decide if you can forgive your husband. 

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
AngelaLucania
2 hours ago, usa1ah said:

Wow. You need time to clear your head. Don’t make any decision for a couple of months or until you are able to think clearly. I always suggest that the marriage ended when the cheater started cheating. Divorce then go from there if the relationship can be salvaged afterwards with a new start. This gives you time to heal and decide if you can forgive your husband. 

I dont think it's fixable. I would allay have the image of my husband on top of her. In our bed. I will always question his whereabouts. I dont want to live in suspicion. I cany live that way! I think if the truth about this pregnancy comes out. I'm having an abortion.  I'm too old for a 3rd round! 45!?!! He will kill me if he finds out what I done.  I also think of the hurt and shame all of our kids are going to endure. 

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sorry you are going through this heartbreak. My husband cheated with my best friend when I was pregnant with our youngest child. I didn't catch him. My 5-yr-old daughter (at the time) saw them together. I stayed for 18 more years before divorcing him. I think things would have been better if I had left him when he cheated. At the time, even though I was the main breadwinner and could support myself and my kids, I just didn't want to do it alone and I didn't want to break up the family, so I stayed. We went to multiple marriage counselors. My marriage never recovered. I just buried my head in the sand and moved forward. The resentment never dissipated. Our daughters were treated to a dysfunctional, unhappy marriage, and they've had nothing but dysfunctional, unhappy relationships of their own, since then. Take some time to think about all of this. Talk to a therapist. 

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
AngelaLucania
12 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

I'm sorry you are going through this heartbreak. My husband cheated with my best friend when I was pregnant with our youngest child. I didn't catch him. My 5-yr-old daughter (at the time) saw them together. I stayed for 18 more years before divorcing him. I think things would have been better if I had left him when he cheated. At the time, even though I was the main breadwinner and could support myself and my kids, I just didn't want to do it alone and I didn't want to break up the family, so I stayed. We went to multiple marriage counselors. My marriage never recovered. I just buried my head in the sand and moved forward. The resentment never dissipated. Our daughters were treated to a dysfunctional, unhappy marriage, and they've had nothing but dysfunctional, unhappy relationships of their own, since then. Take some time to think about all of this. Talk to a therapist. 

My father did the same! I have a older half sister I just met in in 2019 thanks to his whorish ways. My Mom stayed.  And well I'm now a shining example of the cycle. Well. The cycle breaks today. I'm done!!!

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites

This is doubly heartbreaking because you lost both of the people you would normally rely on when you are in emotional pain & need to talk.  Consider getting a therapist before you do anything.  Right now all of this is too fresh, too painful & too shocking. 

Your BFF's STBXH only wants to sleep with you to get revenge on them.  You don't need that drama.  

 

  • Like 2
  • Thanks 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Doorstopper

Others here can give far better advice than me, but I have one specific bit of very important information:

It looks like you may have use your real name for your screen name. if so, you should change it. Its best to be anonymous here. You'll never know if have friends or relatives here as well, and you may release information that is probably best to not be attached directly to a known person.

You can click on account settings, from the down arrow menu by your name, in the upper right corner, to change it.

Good luck.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
AngelaLucania
50 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

This is doubly heartbreaking because you lost both of the people you would normally rely on when you are in emotional pain & need to talk.  Consider getting a therapist before you do anything.  Right now all of this is too fresh, too painful & too shocking. 

Your BFF's STBXH only wants to sleep with you to get revenge on them.  You don't need that drama.  

 

I'm trying not to just sign for a divorce. I have two kids to consider.  I also know his motives. He said it clearly.  We should f*** to make them mad. I'm not for that!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

The thing you need to realize is all cheaters lie a lot. I’d bet this has been going on awhile. You probably only know the tip of the iceberg. 
 

Stay out of marriage counseling. That field is full of morons. You would be lucky to find a decent one. Your marriage isn’t broken. Your husband is.

  • Thanks 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Your xfriend is a snake. I’d cut her out of my life permanently.

Edited by Marc878
  • Like 2
  • Thanks 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
AngelaLucania
43 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

Your xfriend is a snake. I’d cut her out of my life permanently.

That has already happened! She or it is done for. And she has lost many number of friends as well. Everyone sees her as a disgusting threat.  She's living in her car and her husband is keeping the kids and has filed for divorce. 

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
AngelaLucania
1 hour ago, Doorstopper said:

Others here can give far better advice than me, but I have one specific bit of very important information:

It looks like you may have use your real name for your screen name. if so, you should change it. Its best to be anonymous here. You'll never know if have friends or relatives here as well, and you may release information that is probably best to not be attached directly to a known person.

You can click on account settings, from the down arrow menu by your name, in the upper right corner, to change it.

Good luck.

Thank You.  But at this point I want my name out there so people will know the monsters I'm dealing with and beware.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, AngelaLucania said:

I'm trying not to just sign for a divorce. I have two kids to consider.  

The kids will survive a divorce  Kids are resilient.  Don't stay just for them.  Do take your time with this decision.  It's why I suggested a counselor.  You need somebody to talk to.  The rug has been pulled out from under you in a brutal way. 

Can you take some time apart from him, even a few days.  Banish him from the house or you go get pampered at a hotel to clear your head without him under foot? 

  • Like 2
  • Thanks 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Doorstopper
11 minutes ago, AngelaLucania said:

Thank You.  But at this point I want my name out there so people will know the monsters I'm dealing with and beware.

That's perfectly fine. Just making sure its wasn't an oversight. I admire your strength and courage. Wishing you the best.

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, AngelaLucania said:

I'm trying not to just sign for a divorce. I have two kids to consider.  I also know his motives. He said it clearly.  We should f*** to make them mad. I'm not for that!

He sounds like a real loser. Smart move on your part. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
AngelaLucania
16 hours ago, assertives said:

I'm sorry this happened to you. I cannot imagine the hurt, and disgust I would experience if I was in your shoes.

I would say to take some time, perhaps a week or several to collect your thoughts, emotions and energy to think this through before deciding what your next steps would be. Go stay with your parents or family for abit and put both your best friend and husband on mute in the meantime. Wrt your husband, I guess a good start would be to decide for yourself if cheating is a deal-breaker. Wrt your best friend, I personally would drop her.

Ex bestfriend is gone.  She's a snake 

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
AngelaLucania
3 hours ago, Marc878 said:

The thing you need to realize is all cheaters lie a lot. I’d bet this has been going on awhile. You probably only know the tip of the iceberg. 
 

Stay out of marriage counseling. That field is full of morons. You would be lucky to find a decent one. Your marriage isn’t broken. Your husband is.

Will never be able to trust him again. I'm done 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...