Boyfriend has broken up with me because he is not in love with me.

[BlueRose92]

Hi All, 

This is the first time iv been in this position, my last relationship lasted 10 years and we broke up because it was toxic. 

After 5 years living the single life and being happy on my own I decided to start dating and finding someone I could have a serious relationship with. 

I met an amazing guy which was independent, had good job, polite and overall a good guy. From our first date it was clear that he were very compatible and soon after he asked me to be his girlfriend.

About 4 months in I told him how I felt but it was clear that he wasn’t on the same page. We decided to break up, I went on holiday had two months getting back to normal. Throughout this time we stayed in touch as friends, didn’t meet but just messaged here and there. He then askes to meet up and tells me that he made a huge mistake, his head wasn’t in the right place due to his mum being extremely ill, but he wanted to explore where things could go. I decided to give things another go because I thought he was worth it.

His mum became very ill again and he went back to his home country, unfortunately due to the lock down he got stuck there for 4 months. Regardless we spoke every day and decided that when he was back we would make the most of our time together, even talked about moving in together.

He has been back 3 months now and we have been together 14 months, I told him I love him but yet again he could say it back. I asked him to think long and hard about our relationship and we both deserved to be in love. Last week he broke up with me breaking my heart. I can’t seem to let go, he believes that after all this time if he hasn’t fallen in love it isn’t likely to happen. We have decided to remain friends but I know this will mean we will end up always sleeping together because that physical attraction is there! However I still love me and I will take that physical contact as more then it actually is for him.

My question is… Based on the fact he is 30 do men need longer than a year to develop feeling compared to girls. Should I walk away or am I being stupid thinking that one day he could love me.

[Blind-Sided]

22 minutes ago, BlueRose92 said:

My question is… Based on the fact he is 30 do men need longer than a year to develop feeling compared to girls. Should I walk away or am I being stupid thinking that one day he could love me.

Nope... age has nothing to do with it.  If you have been together as intimate partners for 14 months... and he can't say he loves you... then he sees you as a companion and nothing more. Unfortunately, it's time to move on. 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, BlueRose92 said:

We have decided to remain friends but I know this will mean we will end up always sleeping together because that physical attraction is there! 

You're probably right.

And, while your resurrected infatuation will provide you with temporary amnesia, your problems remain:

You and your ex want different things.

If at some point you do get back together, you can have all the sex you want.

 

[d0nnivain]

Men fall in love at the same pace as women.  Individuals may vary but it's not true that men take longer.  

After 14 months, a break up, separation due to Covid & his mother's illness if he's not in love by now it will not happen.  Do not waste more of your time or energy.  Let him go.  Grieve your loss.  Lick your wounds.  Heel & move on.  

[ShyViolet]

2 hours ago, BlueRose92 said:

or am I being stupid thinking that one day he could love me.

I'm sorry but yes, this. 

You're fooling yourself and wasting your time if you're still holding out hope that one day he'll love you.  You've had two failed attempts now at a relationship with this guy.  Face reality and put an end to it.  Don't ever put yourself in a position where you're begging someone to be with you who doesn't have the same feelings that you do.

[elaine567]

DO NOT agree to a FWB situation in order to keep him around.
HE broke up with YOU as he doesn't love you. Take that on board.
Men will keep exes around for regular sex, so do not read anything into it.
IT is NOT a way to get him back, in fact he may lose respect for you as you are giving sex away to a guy who does not love you....
OR he will think you are fine with NSA sex, so he will demote you to "not relationship material"...
When guys reject you, it is best to go dark, never stick around and never beg.
Make a dignified exit, go NC and move on.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, BlueRose92 said:

I can’t seem to let go, he believes that after all this time if he hasn’t fallen in love it isn’t likely to happen. We have decided to remain friends but I know this will mean we will end up always sleeping together because that physical attraction is there

Sorry to hear this. Did he meet someone while in his home country? It seems he has demoted you to FWB, are you ok with that?

While wasting time on someone like this, you could instead cut your losses and meet decent men who love you.

[hippychick3]

Yes, you need to walk away and cut ties completely. No friendship. No sex. Nothing. It is the only way you can truly heal and move on. Age has nothing to do with falling in love. For whatever reason, he’s just not feeling it and if he doesn’t by now, he won’t later. You deserve to have a man who is head over heels in love with you. 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 5/19/2021 at 12:59 PM, BlueRose92 said:

Based on the fact he is 30 do men need longer than a year to develop feeling compared to girls.

Nope, not in my experience (40, female here)

He doesn't feel the way you do, so he's done the right thing ending it. It hurts but he doesn't love you. Not the way you love him. 

And for your own well-being, don't stay friends. It will only hurt you more and keep you stuck. And how will you feel being his friend when he meets a woman he does want to date seriously? It will crush you. Don't do that to yourself.