LostinMarriage2 Posted May 19, 2021 Share Posted May 19, 2021 When my husband and I first got together, he had a bad drinking problem, especially with liquor. He basically would become a different person and not remember what would happen or what what said. This was kind of one of those times. I was across the country packing and planning a move across country to be with him. He went out bar hopping got really drunk and this is what he remembers from that night. At one bar, he ended up running into a girl that he had hooked up with various times before me. She had this whole sob story about she had just gotten an abortion and needed to be around someone. My husband bought the story and brought her over to his place. He told her in his words, explicitly that he was not interested in anything sexual or flirtatious as he was very much in love with me and wouldn’t do anything to mess that up. She said that’s fine and that she understands and they fell asleep in the same bed. Mind you he is so drunk during this interaction, he blacks out and doesn’t remember anything else. That is until he “wakes up/sobers” from the orgasm that she forced on him. He doesn’t remember consenting or even the sex, only waking up from the orgasm with her mounting him. He yells at her calls her a rapist, she even almost has the cops called on her from the amount on yelling and drama she was causing. He promises that he never was in contact with her again really other than random messages she would send but he would not respond, he stayed friends with her on social media because he says he was afraid that she would go “apeshit crazy on his pregnant on his pregnant wife”. He never told me about this until 3 years later. I confronted her and asked if he was telling the truth. I didn’t really think that a rapist would actually admit to it but I wanted to hear what she would have to say. As soon as I contacted her she took a screen shot and sent it to my husband, then blocked me. She claims to him that she doesn’t remember that night at all. We have been having problems and he actually talked **** about me to her (mostly because he says he was angry that I insinuated that he lied) and even accepted sympathy from her for our marriage problems. He says he regrets this and apologized and sends her a message saying what she did was rape plain and simple and that he was blocking her. Honestly I don’t know how to feel about this. On one hand I’m angry at the woman because I want to believe him and she is a rapist. I do believe men can be raped and from what he describes it IS rape. The part that I’m having a problem with though is that he invited an ex over to comfort her, sleep in the same bed as her, but then claims he is “loyal as ****”, which the comfort part and sleeping in the same bed really isn’t being loyal. When he’s that drunk he doesn’t remember things, what if he DID consent? But if that’s the case then that isn’t consent really. I’m so confused. Link to post Share on other sites
Stupidkupid Posted May 19, 2021 Share Posted May 19, 2021 This sounds like a real mess 😔 Whatever happened, why was he taking another woman back to your home and allowing her to spend the night? Why isn't your relationship important enough to him for him to address his drinking problem? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted May 19, 2021 Share Posted May 19, 2021 (edited) 48 minutes ago, LostinMarriage2 said: I do believe men can be raped and from what he describes it IS rape. Get to a physician for STD testing. You don't know how often he has had consensual or nonconsensual sex, since he claims he can't recall the details. Ask for a referral to a therapist to help navigate this. Next contact an attorney and file for divorce. Then get support an info into your situation being with an alcoholic: https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/ Edited May 19, 2021 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostinMarriage2 Posted May 19, 2021 Author Share Posted May 19, 2021 28 minutes ago, Stupidkupid said: This sounds like a real mess 😔 Whatever happened, why was he taking another woman back to your home and allowing her to spend the night? Why isn't your relationship important enough to him for him to address his drinking problem? He said he let her come over because he thought he was being a good guy since his place was closer than hers. He’s addressed it somewhat, I’ve expressed many times throughout our marriage that his drinking is a problem, says he’ll quit but then that never happens. He did quit drinking as much liquor once our son was born and then quit completely. He says he doesn’t want to stop drinking mostly because well yes he’s an alcoholic and likes how beer makes him feel, but also that he doesn’t want to be that guy with a nonalcoholic beer that people judge. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostinMarriage2 Posted May 19, 2021 Author Share Posted May 19, 2021 25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Get to a physician for STD testing. You don't know how often he has had consensual or nonconsensual sex, since he claims he can't recall the details. Ask for a referral to a therapist to help navigate this. Next contact an attorney and file for divorce. Then get support an info into your situation being with an alcoholic: https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/ I did get an STD test, which came out clear thankfully. He refuses/doesn’t believe in therapy, he says he’d rather join a boxing gym. Link to post Share on other sites
Stupidkupid Posted May 19, 2021 Share Posted May 19, 2021 6 minutes ago, LostinMarriage2 said: He said he let her come over because he thought he was being a good guy since his place was closer than hers. He’s addressed it somewhat, I’ve expressed many times throughout our marriage that his drinking is a problem, says he’ll quit but then that never happens. He did quit drinking as much liquor once our son was born and then quit completely. He says he doesn’t want to stop drinking mostly because well yes he’s an alcoholic and likes how beer makes him feel, but also that he doesn’t want to be that guy with a nonalcoholic beer that people judge. I mean... he's an alcoholic so obviously none of his reasoning here makes sense. Adults don't tend to worry if other people judge them for not drinking. I drink very rarely and very little and I couldn't give a cr*p what people think. He needs help and until he sorts that out, you won't achieve other than feeling like you are in a constant whirlwind. FYI: I thought I was being a good guy by inviting a woman I slept with once before back to my place to sleep in my bed is absolutely horse s**t. He has no respect for you, or for himself. Whatever happened that night, you will never know the truth, but he needs professional help as this is not fair to you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 19, 2021 Share Posted May 19, 2021 Even if he's lying I would probably be able to get passed a drunken ONS but he stayed friends with this woman & has talked badly about you to her for 3 years. That I would not tolerate. An STD test is in order. Her deleting her out of his life everywhere would be a minimal requirement. You would also probably benefit from attending a few Al Anon meetings. That's a support group for people who love alcoholics. Is he still drinking? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostinMarriage2 Posted May 19, 2021 Author Share Posted May 19, 2021 13 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Even if he's lying I would probably be able to get passed a drunken ONS but he stayed friends with this woman & has talked badly about you to her for 3 years. That I would not tolerate. An STD test is in order. Her deleting her out of his life everywhere would be a minimal requirement. You would also probably benefit from attending a few Al Anon meetings. That's a support group for people who love alcoholics. Is he still drinking? It was only when I confronted her that he talked bad about me to her. Did take an STD test and thankfully came back negative for everything. Yes he’s still drinking, but cut down to a six pack a day. He doesn’t want to stop drinking. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 19, 2021 Share Posted May 19, 2021 Still the fact that she remains in his life -- the ongoing nature of that interaction I could not get passed. It also undermines the veracity of his claim of "rape." WTH would you want to be friends with your rapist? You really will benefit from Al Anon. It will help you see more clearly. Frankly, in your shoes that woman & the beer would have to go before I'd be willing to try again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 19, 2021 Share Posted May 19, 2021 There is no way that I would believe a word of his story. I’m sorry. The point where you went wrong here was the first sentence - I made the decision to move cross country to be in a relationship with a man who has a bad drinking problem... Poor decisions tend to have poor outcomes. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostinMarriage2 Posted May 19, 2021 Author Share Posted May 19, 2021 3 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Still the fact that she remains in his life -- the ongoing nature of that interaction I could not get passed. It also undermines the veracity of his claim of "rape." WTH would you want to be friends with your rapist? You really will benefit from Al Anon. It will help you see more clearly. Frankly, in your shoes that woman & the beer would have to go before I'd be willing to try again. He claimed to stay friends with her because he was afraid she would confront and go crazy on me. But no I agree I wouldn’t stay friends with someone who raped me and he talked s*** about me to her because he was angry? Undermines the whole rape thing. AA is definitely something I’ll be looking into. The more I think about it the more I think separation is the best idea. Hopefully he’ll take the chance and get sober. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 19, 2021 Share Posted May 19, 2021 2 minutes ago, LostinMarriage2 said: AA is definitely something I’ll be looking into. Point of clarification. AA = alcoholics anonymous & is for the drinker / addict Al-Anon is a separate organization & is for the family & friends of the alcoholic. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted May 19, 2021 Share Posted May 19, 2021 (edited) 19 minutes ago, LostinMarriage2 said: Yes he’s still drinking, but cut down to a six pack a day. He doesn’t want to stop drinking. It's amazing he can get it up. How old is he? His story is ridiculous, but you know this. Read up on 'Wernicke encephalopathy' and 'Korsakoff syndrome' if you wish to see how much difficulty the future holds. What about legal cost when he gets DUIs or kills someone? Do you have friends and family who can help you extricate yourself from this? Start with the link I provided above to Al-Anon. Edited May 19, 2021 by Wiseman2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted May 19, 2021 Share Posted May 19, 2021 That whole story is a crock of crap. I don't believe a word of it. Are you happy being married to a lying alcoholic? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostinMarriage2 Posted May 20, 2021 Author Share Posted May 20, 2021 8 hours ago, Crazelnut said: That whole story is a crock of crap. I don't believe a word of it. Are you happy being married to a lying alcoholic? No even before I found out he was a liar, I wasn’t happy because of his drinking. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 20, 2021 Share Posted May 20, 2021 I don't buy his version of events at all. He cheated on you and tried to blame it all on her, and it has probably happened more than once with her. He was afraid of her going nuts because he's likely been lying to her too (the usual lies marrried men tell- not intimate with the wife anymore, sleep in separate bedrooms, on the brink of separation, blah, blah, blah) I'm sorry OP, but I think you have known deep-down all along that his story is BS. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 20, 2021 Share Posted May 20, 2021 He was not technically raped. If any charge is to levelled he was sexually assaulted. Rape involves penetration , as he was not I assume penetrated, he was not raped. BUT I do not really buy his story. Alcoholics tend to be liars and it is too convenient for him to be assaulted as opposed to just sleeping with her. A women he has slept with before who he invited into his bed,,, As neither want to press charges or feel particularly violated then it is back to plain old infidelity... and alcoholism. Both of which can be deal breakers 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted May 20, 2021 Share Posted May 20, 2021 He's an alcoholic who doesn't want to stop drinking. Your future, if you stay with him, will be punctuated by endless problems and dramas resulting from that. He's subjected you to this sordid situation involving the ex girlfriend, he's blamed his part in it on alcohol and on the other woman...and on top of that, he's made it clear to you that he's not even going to try to stop drinking because a) he enjoys it and b) he thinks he'll be judged for not drinking (apparently not being concerned about people's judgements of him for continuing to drink). When you stay in a relationship with somebody who has an addiction problem they're making no effort to address, no matter how much you try to avoid enabling them, just by staying in the relationship you are enabling them. And you're going to end up with a whole lot of emotional problems and dysfunctional coping mechanisms of your own to deal with, the longer you remain in the situation. Who's going to help you when those problems start to bite in? Him? Doubtful. He's letting you know loud and clear, through his refusal to address his alcoholism, that it's not going to get better. Focusing on whether or not he cheated on you seems, under the circumstances, like a distraction from a problem that he has no intention of fixing. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 20, 2021 Share Posted May 20, 2021 A woman who just got an abortion wanting sex to the point of having to rape a man for it - is one for the books. I don't believe him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostinMarriage2 Posted May 20, 2021 Author Share Posted May 20, 2021 19 minutes ago, stillafool said: A woman who just got an abortion wanting sex to the point of having to rape a man for it - is one for the books. I don't believe him. I don’t either. I actually asked my best friend who had an abortion and about her state of mind afterwards. She said the day of was like having a miscarriage, there’d be no way sex would even be on the mind. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 20, 2021 Share Posted May 20, 2021 What are you going to do with your cheating husband who clearly has a problem with alcohol and apparently, a problem with honesty and accountability? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 20, 2021 Share Posted May 20, 2021 3 hours ago, LostinMarriage2 said: I don’t either. I actually asked my best friend who had an abortion and about her state of mind afterwards. She said the day of was like having a miscarriage, there’d be no way sex would even be on the mind. Absolutely. Plus she would still be bleeding profusely. Link to post Share on other sites
TotalTruthing Posted May 21, 2021 Share Posted May 21, 2021 You posted your situation in another forum three weeks ago. Are you expecting a different answer here? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostinMarriage2 Posted May 21, 2021 Author Share Posted May 21, 2021 10 minutes ago, TotalTruthing said: You posted your situation in another forum three weeks ago. Are you expecting a different answer here? Yes I posted on multiple forums, more to verify my own feelings and that I’m not crazy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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