Should I be concerned or is he just upset?

[Summerluvr2021]

 

Ok where to begin…. Me and my husband are separated but were in the process of trying to work things out. However one day at his store, I was responding to a text that my sister had sent me. He comes over and sees the text I received and sees that within the text, it has a heart and lipstick mouth emoji in the text. Since it was a private text, I didn’t want him to see it. He asked me who it was, I told him from my sister but he didn’t know the story behind it and it was a very private conversation that I did not want to mention to him. He asks to see my phone because he wanted to see for himself... I said no. He asks why, I tell him because I don’t ask to go through his phone( which I don’t) so he gets mad at me.
Next day he comes to the place, unannounced,that I’ve been staying at since we have been separated. Me andy son get out of the car and walk over there. He asks my son if he likes the new guy….my son has no idea what or who he is talking about. He sees that I don’t have my ring on my finger ( and it’s only because I had just finished putting on lotion) but he didn’t bother to stick around for an explanation. He leaves then calls me and accuses me of seeing someone else. He then lied and said he had a conversation with my sister about communicating the day before and says that she never had spoken with me.....thid conversation never happened. He proceeds to call me a wh0re, and a liar and wants the wedding ring back ...though I shouldn't have given it to him, I didn't want it. I was so upset that he would calle those names and accuse me of such things.
A few weeks later, he apparently goes to Puerto Rico with some chick. I asked him in text if he has filed for divorce because if not, I will. He tells me he’s too busy living life in Puerto Rico while I am too busy in my town f**king guys. So instead of answering my question, he tells me to die and that I am dead to him and then blocks me.
I know that I need to file for divorce which is what I did already but is he just upset or is he unhinged and may cause she physical harm to me? People are concerned that he may do something to me just based off of how angry he was and showing up to the place I was staying unannounced.

I know there may be holes but I was trying to not make it so long, which it still is

[d0nnivain]

If you are afraid invest in cameras, motion detectors etc.  Tell everyone you are afraid & learn about the reasons you can get a restraining order.  I'm not sure you have enough but I could be wrong.  If your fear is justified, do whatever you have to in order to protect yourself.  

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Summerluvr2021 said:

 

Ok where to begin…. Me and my husband are separated but were in the process of trying to work things out. However one day at his store, I was responding to a text that my sister had sent me. He comes over and sees the text I received and sees that within the text, it has a heart and lipstick mouth emoji in the text. Since it was a private text, I didn’t want him to see it. He asked me who it was, I told him from my sister but he didn’t know the story behind it and it was a very private conversation that I did not want to mention to him. He asks to see my phone because he wanted to see for himself... I said no. He asks why, I tell him because I don’t ask to go through his phone( which I don’t) so he gets mad at me.
Next day he comes to the place, unannounced,that I’ve been staying at since we have been separated. Me andy son get out of the car and walk over there. He asks my son if he likes the new guy….my son has no idea what or who he is talking about. He sees that I don’t have my ring on my finger ( and it’s only because I had just finished putting on lotion) but he didn’t bother to stick around for an explanation. He leaves then calls me and accuses me of seeing someone else. He then lied and said he had a conversation with my sister about communicating the day before and says that she never had spoken with me.....thid conversation never happened. He proceeds to call me a wh0re, and a liar and wants the wedding ring back ...though I shouldn't have given it to him, I didn't want it. I was so upset that he would calle those names and accuse me of such things.
A few weeks later, he apparently goes to Puerto Rico with some chick. I asked him in text if he has filed for divorce because if not, I will. He tells me he’s too busy living life in Puerto Rico while I am too busy in my town f**king guys. So instead of answering my question, he tells me to die and that I am dead to him and then blocks me.
I know that I need to file for divorce which is what I did already but is he just upset or is he unhinged and may cause she physical harm to me? People are concerned that he may do something to me just based off of how angry he was and showing up to the place I was staying unannounced.

I know there may be holes but I was trying to not make it so long, which it still is

Sorry this is happening. Why were you in his store? Do you work there?

Why are you separated? Why did you move out?

Is this generally an abusive marriage or is this controlling possessive behavior toward you new? Why is he abusing and badgering your son?

You need much better boundaries. Change all your passwords to all your accounts and devices.

You need to speak to an attorney about moving forward with the divorce.

Where are you staying? Get a restraining order. If he shows up unannounced and starts badgering your son with abusive accusations, call 911.

Do not reconcile. Instead get expert legal advice and individual therapy to help you navigate this.

Tell trusted friends and family about the abuse.

[Blind-Sided]

Seems like a lot of this could have been avoided by just showing him the message.  OK... I understand it's private... but if you are trying to rebuild a relationship... TRUST is a big part of that, and showing him could have deescalated the entire situation.  

Since we don't know the facts on what brought you to this point in your life... it's hard to give any real advice.  Lets face it... if you were cheating... then he has a reason to be suspicions of you hiding messages, and not wearing your ring. 

But regardless... it sounds like the relationship is broken... just go file.  

 

[Summerluvr2021]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Why were you in his store? Do you work there?

Why are you separated? Why did you move out?

Is this generally an abusive marriage or is this controlling possessive behavior toward you new? Why is he abusing and badgering your son?

You need much better boundaries. Change all your passwords to all your accounts and devices.

You need to speak to an attorney about moving forward with the divorce.

Where are you staying? Get a restraining order. If he shows up unannounced and starts badgering your son with abusive accusations, call 911.

Do not reconcile. Instead get expert legal advice and individual therapy to help you navigate this.

Tell trusted friends and family about the abuse.

Thank you for the response. That day I was in his store, he asked me if I could work the front while he worked on renovating the bathroom area since I know how to work the register. I moved out of his house due to him being verbally abusive and not knowing how to communicate with me. We did try counseling and only went to 2 sessions because he didn't want to go any longer. He feels the reason he didn't want to continue is because " I was arguing with him". so he felt the counseling wasn't helping me😏. He asked my son thinking since my son is a child he would probably " tell on me" and reveal this " other man" . 

Yes I have an apartment I am staying at that and he has come by unannounced but I was here when he came by. Thank you for your advice. I have told my sister and one other person about what's going on. I felt it was important to let someone else know.

[Summerluvr2021]

2 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

Seems like a lot of this could have been avoided by just showing him the message.  OK... I understand it's private... but if you are trying to rebuild a relationship... TRUST is a big part of that, and showing him could have deescalated the entire situation.  

Since we don't know the facts on what brought you to this point in your life... it's hard to give any real advice.  Lets face it... if you were cheating... then he has a reason to be suspicions of you hiding messages, and not wearing your ring. 

But regardless... it sounds like the relationship is broken... just go file.  

 

Appreciate your thoughts on this but I don't agree that this could have been avoided if I shown him my text. He's gone through my phone before and it didn't go well, he misread alot of messages and when there was some that he didn't like, I explained...this was all the while he was involved with someone else and I was a single woman. He called me names just as he did that time. Checking my text or not checking would have had the same response. Since I wouldn't let him, he didn't have control and not only that, he would have continued to go through my phone in the future when HE wanted to. And I NEVER go through his phone, though he's given me PLENTY of reasons to, I never have. It doesn't help with trust if you ask me. You either have it or you don't and neither one of us have that for each other. I am staying where I am due to my lack of trust that he won't be verbally abusive to me or respectful. And I agree, our relationship has always been broken. It's time to close the door and not look back.

 

 

[Alfano]

15 hours ago, Summerluvr2021 said:

He asks to see my phone because he wanted to see for himself... I said no. He asks why, I tell him because I don’t ask to go through his phone( which I don’t)

That is so not an answer. I don't blame him in the least for his angry response.

[Summerluvr2021]

4 minutes ago, Alfano said:

That is so not an answer. I don't blame him in the least for his angry response.

Well more was said but if you're ok with someone calling a woman outside of her name then we have nothing else to discuss and you don't know HIM. So thanks.

[Blind-Sided]

45 minutes ago, Summerluvr2021 said:

.... It doesn't help with trust if you ask me. You either have it or you don't and neither one of us have that for each other......

Well... regardless of what the bigger story is, of why the trust is broke... the above statement is the only answer you need.  Time to move on.

From your other post... if he is ACTUALLY abusive... then you need to NOT go to his store, or house... or anywhere else he normally goes.  Also... stop talking to him. (unless he is the father of your kid)   Just file, and be done.

 

******EDIT*****

Just to make a point... if my exW or my current GF wants to see my phone... I would give it to them without an issue.  Do you know why??????  Because I have nothing to hide, or to be worried about.  And, if that brings them peace... then I'm happy to do it.   It's the same thing I told my Lawyer (who works for the same abuse center that my exW went to) when she wanted to pull my criminal record. 

 

Edited May 21, 2021 by Blind-Sided

[Summerluvr2021]

23 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said:

Well... regardless of what the bigger story is, of why the trust is broke... the above statement is the only answer you need.  Time to move on.

From your other post... if he is ACTUALLY abusive... then you need to NOT go to his store, or house... or anywhere else he normally goes.  Also... stop talking to him. (unless he is the father of your kid)   Just file, and be done.

 

******EDIT*****

Just to make a point... if my exW or my current GF wants to see my phone... I would give it to them without an issue.  Do you know why??????  Because I have nothing to hide, or to be worried about.  And, if that brings them peace... then I'm happy to do it.   It's the same thing I told my Lawyer (who works for the same abuse center that my exW went to) when she wanted to pull my criminal record. 

 

Well I did have something to hide..my sisters privacy. If she wanted someone else to see our texting conversation, then he would have seen it but she didn't. and this conversation was about HER,not me or him. So if he wants to easily accuse me of cheating based off of that and nothing else, I'm happy to file, which I have already. And I don't go near anywhere he is. I have no reason to. And yes based off of past situations, I DID let him see my phone even times when I didn't know he was going through it, he went through my personal conversations and threw things back at me so I do NOT regret not showing him. I am happy to file because he's simply not a good man to ME. 

My only thing is, if he feels so strongly about my character...why didn't HE file BEFORE heading off to Puerto Rico?  Because I haven't called him outside of his name nor wanted to go through his phone although he's done very questionable things that is far worse than a text. 

Edited May 21, 2021 by Summerluvr2021

[Alfano]

44 minutes ago, Summerluvr2021 said:

Well more was said but if you're ok with someone calling a woman outside of her name then we have nothing else to discuss and you don't know HIM. So thanks.

You sound like a real gem. I totally get where he's coming from.

 

[Summerluvr2021]

1 minute ago, Alfano said:

You sound like a real gem. I totally get where he's coming from.

 

I'm sure you do

[emprosnet7]

2 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

Well... regardless of what the bigger story is, of why the trust is broke... the above statement is the only answer you need.  Time to move on.

From your other post... if he is ACTUALLY abusive... then you need to NOT go to his store, or house... or anywhere else he normally goes.  Also... stop talking to him. (unless he is the father of your kid)   Just file, and be done.

 

******EDIT*****

Just to make a point... if my exW or my current GF wants to see my phone... I would give it to them without an issue.  Do you know why??????  Because I have nothing to hide, or to be worried about.  And, if that brings them peace... then I'm happy to do it.   It's the same thing I told my Lawyer (who works for the same abuse center that my exW went to) when she wanted to pull my criminal record. 

 

I would have to disagree with you on this one... Privacy is not about hiding stuff from your partner. In a phone you may have work documents, sensitive information about others etc unless you have a nokia 3110. I don't want anyone to snoop on my phone. If you give-in to this demand there is no trust. My ex from the day we got married wanted to check my mobile. If I would have said yes, she would get the password and read my phone. Then I would have to constantly explain who is who, when I did what etc without end. She even said "I am not giving you my phone since you don't give me yours!"  (Well dear, I never asked you for your phone, I am not pathologically jealous like you). 

 

 

 

[Summerluvr2021]

32 minutes ago, emprosnet7 said:

I would have to disagree with you on this one... Privacy is not about hiding stuff from your partner. In a phone you may have work documents, sensitive information about others etc unless you have a nokia 3110. I don't want anyone to snoop on my phone. If you give-in to this demand there is no trust. My ex from the day we got married wanted to check my mobile. If I would have said yes, she would get the password and read my phone. Then I would have to constantly explain who is who, when I did what etc without end. She even said "I am not giving you my phone since you don't give me yours!"  (Well dear, I never asked you for your phone, I am not pathologically jealous like you). 

 

 

 

Exactly my point! Thank you.

 

ETA: like you, I've never asked to go through his phone, again like I mentioned, this does not build trust in my eyes.

Edited May 21, 2021 by Summerluvr2021

[d0nnivain]

Protecting your sister's privacy is admirable but to a limited extent I agree with the people who said showing him the one text just to prove you were talking to your sister & not some guy could have done a lot to deescalate.  By hiding it, you made him think you were doing something behind his back. 

That said, in 20/20 hindsight, no matter what you were doing or who you were talking to about what does not give him the right to physically assault you.  Infidelity does not justify violence.   If you are scared protect yourself.  

[Summerluvr2021]

12 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Protecting your sister's privacy is admirable but to a limited extent I agree with the people who said showing him the one text just to prove you were talking to your sister & not some guy could have done a lot to deescalate.  By hiding it, you made him think you were doing something behind his back. 

That said, in 20/20 hindsight, no matter what you were doing or who you were talking to about what does not give him the right to physically assault you.  Infidelity does not justify violence.   If you are scared protect yourself.  

Thank you very much for you're response. Honestly , if we didn't have the history we have, I would have no issues with showing him. But I don't believe it would help matters in the future. If I can explain his personality....the last time I ever showed him texts that were harmless, even saw the harmless text messages, he went to one of my friends and mentioned the texting conversation that to said friend as if he was throwing me under the bus. Never will I ever again show him my phone because he invaded privacy and it made ME, not him, look very untrustworthy. I wanted to prevent that. Telling him who it was should have been enough ( and I get why he would question, especially if I've shown signs prior, but I haven't). I am his wife and I am left with no choice in the matter but to feel like this is projection on his part or given the fact that he isn't to be trusted. 

 

I do understand him feeling some kind of way but not to the point where name-calling is appropriate nor wishing death on someone. Unfortunately I haven't revealed the highlights of his behavior but I only feel alarmed, not frightened just yet. I think what helps is that hes out of town with someone else so that helps lol, sadly.

Edited May 21, 2021 by Summerluvr2021

[d0nnivain]

I get it.  When you explained that you previously tried disclosure but he twisted it around  it makes more sense that you were unwilling this time.  

At this point just stay apart.  It's for the best

[Acacia98]

In this context (abusive relationship), I understand why you did what you did.

If you'd been in a healthier relationship and trying to build trust, it would have helped tremendously for you to show the text to the guy after asking your sister for permission. 

I'm glad you decided to end things with him. I was having a hard time understanding why you were trying to salvage this horrendous relationship.

[Summerluvr2021]

2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I get it.  When you explained that you previously tried disclosure but he twisted it around  it makes more sense that you were unwilling this time.  

At this point just stay apart.  It's for the best

Thank you ....I definitely plan on it. 

[Summerluvr2021]

9 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

In this context (abusive relationship), I understand why you did what you did.

If you'd been in a healthier relationship and trying to build trust, it would have helped tremendously for you to show the text to the guy after asking your sister for permission. 

I'm glad you decided to end things with him. I was having a hard time understanding why you were trying to salvage this horrendous relationship.

Lol, definitely don't want to salvage it lol.. I think we are both done at this point I'm just trying to legally get it handled loi have my moments to where I get upset at how things were handled, but then again, I just need to get things done and move on. 

I regret asking if he filed because of the horrible way he responded. I get it, he was on vacay with someone, so why not say " not yet" or " yes I have" or " I'm out of town, we'll discuss divorce when I get back" or something and then go on with said vacation lol. Makes no sense. 

Edited May 21, 2021 by Summerluvr2021

[usa1ah]

Your time line is hard to follow. 
 

The message he saw then you without your ring would make any husband think that his wife was cheating, especially while being separated. 
 

If you just got home with your son, where did you have your ring? You said you just put lotion on. 
 

Being angry and pissed doesn’t mean he is going to harm you. Quite a few betrayed spouses throw some pretty mean words at someone they think is cheating. 
 

As far as filing, do so. Get a lawyer and start the process. 

[usa1ah]

You said he was cheating on you before now?

[Summerluvr2021]

Timeline:

saturday evening4:30pmish at husband's store comes over to register counter where I was at and sees me responding to said text. No more is said until the next day

Sunday evening 5pmish- washed car, vaccines out car, took ring off, put in purse.

Sunday around 5:50pmish- left car wash, drove to Kroger, got groceries, drive back to apartment to put up said groceries, then got back in car, headed to the vitamin shoppe

Sunday evening 6:30ish- at stop light, putting on hand sanitizer, then lotion. Drive again light change.

Sunday evening around 7ish - on road with son, get a call from husband asking if I made it to apartment

Same Sunday evening few minutes later- drive in apartment parking lot, see husband in driveway

Sunday evening- few minutes later get a call being called wh0re and liar and said other various things while lying to me about reaching out to my sister. 

2 weeks later( this week) text estranged husband ito ask if he had filed for divorce, if not then I will. 

rest is history .... If not I'll answer. 

Divorce...filed Tuesday.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited May 21, 2021 by Summerluvr2021

[Summerluvr2021]

8 minutes ago, usa1ah said:

You said he was cheating on you before now?

In February of this year. He said he was in Texas with a girl named Gabby. But lies and says that he was just joking ...there was no Gabby...😏...lies because she actually exists. We put it past us to work more on our communication...we BOTH failed with the texting situation. So divorce it is.

[Summerluvr2021]

Timing of timeline may be off by some minutes...it's not perfect lol. So please have that expectation. I may have sneezed or turned the channel or something else, lol. So don't expect perfection lol.

Edited May 21, 2021 by Summerluvr2021