First wife still bitter after almost 20 years not together

[Woggle]

We divorced in 2003 and it was a terrible marriage but since then she has had a vendetta against me. Supposedly she was a twitter account where she rants all the time about how I stole her life and it is not fair how I have so many good things while her life has gone wrong. She said if there were any justice in this world I would not have the life I had and it tears her up inside that I faced no consequences. Consequences for what I don't know but after all this time why doesn't she just move on and live her life? 

I don't get it. Everything I have in my life I went out and earned myself. Maybe if she did the same instead doing what she did she would be in a different position. 

[basil67]

Sounds like the difference between the two of you is that you were able to bounce back more easily.  If she's stuck in this cycle nearly 20 years later, it's likely she's got mental health issues or trauma which are preventing her from moving on.   And because those issues remain she CAN'T move on.  

Not that it's your problem - just ask your friends not to gossip about what she's posting on Twitter.  

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

She sounds like she has major issues, and you will never understand why she is still bitter and angry. It’s good you moved on and created a happy life.

If I were you I’d not give her or her Twitter rants a second thought. I do understand how frustrating it must be as I’ve known people who are similar — they are miserable and won’t take any step to improve their lot in life. I no longer beat my head against the wall trying to help them.
 

[Marc878]

Ignore 

[DKT3]

I couldn't remember the catalyst of your divorce,  and with over 30k posts I'm too lazy. I remember reading your threads when I first started lurking about 2007. You were pretty bitter.

I suspect your ex is struggling with your success because she knows she blew the opportunity to be a part of it. Maybe she thought she had found greener grass only to realize it was just a field of tumbleweeds and sticker patches.🤭

[Woggle]

1 minute ago, DKT3 said:

I couldn't remember the catalyst of your divorce,  and with over 30k posts I'm too lazy. I remember reading your threads when I first started lurking about 2007. You were pretty bitter.

I suspect your ex is struggling with your success because she knows she blew the opportunity to be a part of it. Maybe she thought she had found greener grass only to realize it was just a field of tumbleweeds and sticker patches.🤭

Short story

We met in 2000 and married in late 2001

Things turned pretty bad after we married because she developed a bad drug habit which made her paranoid and abusive

I finally left her when I came home and found her in bed with another man and we went through a bitter divorce which ended with me only giving her her half of the money in our account.

She went to prison for trying to shoot at my current wife and I when she found out we got engaged and since then it has been downward spiral of drugs and violence. She is supposedly clean right now but shouldn't part of recovery be taking responsibility for your past and moving on.

Back then I hated women and I had a lot of anger in me based on that experience and my abusive childhood. While I am still a work in progress I have tremendous strides in being a better man and not being angry at an entire gender because a have a wife now who is beautiful in every possible on the inside and out and I have met and befriended many great women. I truly do apologize for some of the venom I spewed in the past. I never want to be that man again.

I truly do wish her well in life but that chapter in our life is closed permanently for the both of us and the path her life has taken is not my fault. I did nothing to her. 

[DKT3]

I suspect she feels you were connected to every bad thing that's happened to her. In her mind it probably plays like this...

1) you weren't the husband she signed up for, so you forced her to turn to drugs and other men.

2) When she fell and needed you to pick her up you abandoned her. 

3) you then started cheating on her with your current wife with caused her to...

4) shoot at your current wife (wtf, btw)

In reality,  I believe deep down she knows its not your fault and she is really angry with herself. 

Have you ever apologized to her? I know none of those things are your fault,  yet a horrible marriage is never one person's fault,  solely.  You played a role. 

Edited May 21, 2021 by DKT3
Missing word

[Woggle]

I didn't cheat on her with my current wife. I was divorced for three years before I met my current wife. I was faithful until the end and didn't even look at another woman until she moved out. I

I know a bad marriage is not one person's fault but I won't apologize for what she did to herself. I have forgiven her and I wish her well but I will not blame myself for something I did not do. 

[emprosnet7]

Drugs, shooting, prison etc and you are concerned about twitter? 

[DKT3]

49 minutes ago, Woggle said:

I didn't cheat on her with my current wife. I was divorced for three years before I met my current wife. I was faithful until the end and didn't even look at another woman until she moved out. I

I know a bad marriage is not one person's fault but I won't apologize for what she did to herself. I have forgiven her and I wish her well but I will not blame myself for something I did not do. 

Oh no, I was saying its likely how she saw it.

The apology can simply be sorry it didn't work out. 

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, DKT3 said:

Have you ever apologized to her? I know none of those things are your fault,  yet a horrible marriage is never one person's fault,  solely.  You played a role. 

I agree that it's worth considering how she views things to make sense of her present actions.

But assuming things played out as OP says they did, the fact that she became abusive when she started using drugs and ultimately shot at his current wife (attempted murder?) makes her a dangerous woman. She seems to have had the "upper hand" where the use of violence was concerned. That makes OP a victim of abuse even though he doesn't actually use the term. I dont know if you're suggesting that he should apologise to her, but personally, I would advise against that. Apologising to abusive people simply reinforces their sense of entitlement and power over their victims. She is still obsessing over him and his wife. She's not well. Opening up communication between them would be a bad (potentially dangerous) idea.

@Woggle, I'd advise that you talk to someone (say, a mental health professional and/or someone in law enforcement) about whether her Twitter updates indicate that she poses an ongoing threat to you. If she does, ask what precautions you should take.

Edited May 21, 2021 by Acacia98

[DKT3]

6 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

I agree that it's worth considering how she views things to make sense of her present actions.

But assuming things played out as OP says they did, the fact that she became abusive when she started using drugs and ultimately shot at his current wife (attempted murder?) makes her a dangerous woman. She seems to have had the "upper hand" where the use of violence was concerned. That makes OP a victim of abuse even though he doesn't actually use the term. I dont know if you're suggesting that he should apologise to her, but personally, I would advise against that. Apologising to abusive people simply reinforces their sense of entitlement and power over their victims. She is still obsessing over him and his wife. She's not well. Opening up communication between them would be a bad (potentially dangerous) idea.

@Woggle, I'd advice that you talk to someone (say, a mental health professional and/or someone in law enforcement) about whether her Twitter updates indicate that she poses an ongoing threat to you. If she does, ask what precautions you should take.

She is already full of venom,  she is already a dangerous person,  she has already attempted violence,  not sure how a simple apology to acknowledge her pain ( albeit self inflicted) will make it worse.  Good chance it could push her forward towards being healthy. 

Edited May 21, 2021 by DKT3

[Acacia98]

Just now, DKT3 said:

She is already full of venom,  she is already a dangerous person,  she has already attempted violence,  not sure how a simple apology to acknowledge her pain ( albeit self inflicted). 

Well, I'll give you one example.

He reaches out to apologize. She thinks he's mocking her and flaunting his successes. She gets enraged and attempts to hurt him or his wife. Again.

I have a relative who is not very different from OP's ex-wife in some ways. A description of her: drug abuse early in marriage, paranoia, emotionally abusive, cheater, completely blames divorce on ex-hubby, feels wronged, is emotionally abusive towards their kid. Everyone is "against her." Even when her child or employees react to her abusive behavior and words, she believes they have been influenced to disrespect her. She also reinvents history, turning narratives in which her ex played a neutral role into stories in which he supposedly abused her. I know she's lying because I personally witnessed some of the events she has liberally reinvented.

So I have no difficulty imagining many ways in which OP's reaching out to his ex-wife can have disastrous consequences.

[elaine567]

I also think reaching out may be a mistake.
She sees herself as the victim. If she is still ranting she is an angry and aggrieved victim.
Playing Lord (and Lady) Bountiful and graciously offering an apology will I guess just poke the hornet's nest and will not be well received.

[Blind-Sided]

I agree with @elaine567.  She has real issues, and a real criminal record... and has tried to kill you and/or your wife.  Stay far away, and ignore any of her messages. 

[dangerous]

10 hours ago, Woggle said:

We divorced in 2003 and it was a terrible marriage but since then she has had a vendetta against me. Supposedly she was a twitter account where she rants all the time about how I stole her life and it is not fair how I have so many good things while her life has gone wrong. She said if there were any justice in this world I would not have the life I had and it tears her up inside that I faced no consequences. Consequences for what I don't know but after all this time why doesn't she just move on and live her life? 

I don't get it. Everything I have in my life I went out and earned myself. Maybe if she did the same instead doing what she did she would be in a different position. 

I have a similar situation with my ex-wife. I avoid her. Do not go on her social media: disconnect or block. No benefit to you. 

10 hours ago, basil67 said:

Sounds like the difference between the two of you is that you were able to bounce back more easily.  If she's stuck in this cycle nearly 20 years later, it's likely she's got mental health issues or trauma which are preventing her from moving on.   And because those issues remain she CAN'T move on.  

Not that it's your problem - just ask your friends not to gossip about what she's posting on Twitter.  

Exactly this. 

[ShyViolet]

This woman is mentally ill.... you DO NOT reach out to someone like this.  That is terrible advice.  You need to block her on all platforms, just absolutely block her and that's it.  Don't look at her twitter or whatever else she is spewing out there.

[Taramere]

8 hours ago, Woggle said:

Back then I hated women and I had a lot of anger in me based on that experience and my abusive childhood. While I am still a work in progress I have tremendous strides in being a better man and not being angry at an entire gender because a have a wife now who is beautiful in every possible on the inside and out and I have met and befriended many great women. I truly do apologize for some of the venom I spewed in the past. I never want to be that man again.

I truly do wish her well in life but that chapter in our life is closed permanently for the both of us and the path her life has taken is not my fault. I did nothing to her. 

I've probably been posting on here for about as long as you.  You were certainly very suspicious of women, firmly in victim mode and there were many anecdotes involving raging feminists spitting venom at you for holding doors open etc.  There were times when I thought you were exaggerating or outright fibbing about things.  There's been one constant, however.  I don't recall you ever coming across as a venomous character - which is probably why as annoying as you could be at times, a lot of people on here do have a soft spot for you.

It certainly sounds as though the ex you're talking about has mental health problems, but a person can have mental health problems without being a spiteful character - in the same way that a spiteful person might not actually have mental health problems.   Your ex sounds as if she has the dangerous combination of mental health problems together with a spiteful temperament...and no doubt a spell in prison added to existing problems considerably.   Potentially in a situation where somebody like that was saying all sorts of things about you, you could get a restraining order.  However, unless it became absolutely necessary (and an attorney advised it) the procedure involved in that would just result in her playing a role in your life again as an opponent in legal proceedings.  And ideally, you don't want her playing any sort of role.   Personally in a situation like this, I think I'd just take the view that any right-minded person will just avoid engaging with her - and the ones who do enable her ongoing vitriolic outbursts about you and your wife are unlikely to be people whose judgement you should care about.

Edited May 21, 2021 by Taramere

[Pumpernickel]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

This woman is mentally ill.... You need to block her on all platforms, just absolutely block her and that's it.  

I disagree. If she’s really mentally ill and suffers emotionally, then blocking her will only make it worse. It will make her even more angry, because if she really has a mental illness, she will always think that everything is about her and that the blocking is about her and that everything should revolve around her. I wouldn’t block – I would just ignore. Don’t look at her Twitter & don’t look at her Facebook, don’t look at her Instagram, don’t look at anything, don’t ask friends about her. Just. Ignore. Some find blocking offensive, and if she’s one of these people, then it will trigger her massively. Blocking is a reaction too, you now.....don’t give her that 

[notbroken]

Silence is golden.  Ignore her completely.  She's clearly not doing well but is no longer your responsibility.   If she goes any length of time without ranting about you on social media then block her then.   The posters are right, blocking during a rant could trigger a response you don't want.  

[ShyViolet]

51 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

I disagree. If she’s really mentally ill and suffers emotionally, then blocking her will only make it worse. It will make her even more angry, because if she really has a mental illness, she will always think that everything is about her and that the blocking is about her and that everything should revolve around her. I wouldn’t block – I would just ignore. Don’t look at her Twitter & don’t look at her Facebook, don’t look at her Instagram, don’t look at anything, don’t ask friends about her. Just. Ignore. Some find blocking offensive, and if she’s one of these people, then it will trigger her massively. Blocking is a reaction too, you now.....don’t give her that 

On most social media platforms now there is also an option to "unfollow" someone which does not give them any notification that they've been blocked or anything.  So perhaps that would work too.  Whatever would work to achieve the goal of him not engaging with her whatsoever.

[Snow_Queen]

She shares a lot of the same behaviors as my husband’s ex wife. She was also heavily into drugs and was physically/emotionally abusive towards him. She and her BF (the one she was cheating with at the time) had his murder plotted down to the day, time, place, and the weapon. Really, really crazy stuff going on in her head at any given time.

She couldn’t move on, either. It was all HIS fault for the way her life turned out. HE took her dreams of a happy family away. HE gave up on her. It’s been years and she still brings up the past like it’s his job to repair her broken heart. She assumed he would live a long, lonely, miserable life. When we got married and started a family, she absolutely couldn’t believe he would do that to her. The agony was so devastating, she had a mental breakdown. The nerve of him to move on and be the happiest he’s ever been.

My point is, I believe it’s a personality type that makes people like this not accept responsibility. They are narcissists with narrow vision. They can only see their pain and how much of a victim they are. She will probably always be bitter towards you but don’t give it another thought. She lacks empathy.

[notbroken]

She will blame you until the next victim comes along - and then blame you both.   She'll never blame the person in the mirror for her own failings.  It would be too painful for her to accept that she is responsible for herself.   

[Taramere]

51 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

On most social media platforms now there is also an option to "unfollow" someone which does not give them any notification that they've been blocked or anything.  So perhaps that would work too.  Whatever would work to achieve the goal of him not engaging with her whatsoever.

Yeah.  If you block somebody's WhatsApp messages and phone texts, I don't think they get any notification I think it's  justa bit like if you were to put somebody on ignore here.  They can still send stuff to you, but other than any record in their sent box the messages would just vanish into nothingness.  So they can send and send until they're blue in the face - but you're not actually seeing anything they're sending.  So other than any sense of catharsis they get from writing the message, it's a waste of their time.  Twitter...I don't know.  You could mute somebody, but whether that means you can't receive their DMs I don't know.  Probably for Woggle to instantly mute any conversation he sees that in any way involves his ex wife.  

[Woggle]

Believe me the things I say on here are not fibbing. Many of them were viewed through the eyes of somebody who was dealing with trauma and was suspicious all the time but I never outright lied.

We live on different coasts and even though she has a vague idea that I moved to California she doesn't know where and it is a big state so I don't worry about safety. I was thinking out loud about the fact that somebody still can't move on after all those years. Doing jail time sucks but then again when you shoot at somebody that is what happens. She was lucky she only did about a year and some change.

I will certainly not dwell on it but I think for the first time since the split I actually felt sorry for her.