Issues with Mother in Law & baby

[Private1066]

Ive been googling toxic Grandparents and she ticks every box. Its only the last year I have been thinking about whether I should stay in my relationship. My partener already has a 3 year old from a previous relationship and im thinking about when we have our own.

*quick context, we are renting a room which is very small and we cant have his daughter visit us here because theres no space for anything. We go to his mums house when spending time with his daughter, who also insists on us going there and doesnt like it if we dont.

She has absolutely no respect for his ex, who is an amazing mother, but because she wasnt the best girlfriend, this to MIL makes her a bad mother. 

When the child leaves to go home, of course she doesnt want to leave, gets upset and cries, but MIL makes a massive fuss. Its like she feeds off her sadness for cuddles and love. Not for the child but for herself. This has made him worse leaving. She says to me that she must be upset because shes not a good mum, and wonders what she does to her, and says she would be better off living with her. NOT THE CHILDS OWN FATHER, BUT HER WITH HER. 

She has no respect for my Partener, and it really saddens me. If she doesnt like what hes saying, she will get upsrt and storm upstairs and speak very rudely about him to her husband. My Partener has depression, wishes he could see his daughter more, and works hard 6 days a week. He knows that if he doesnt get his mother under control then he will lose time with his daughter, eg have to take her home for lunch instead. 

When my partener tells her not to do something, she will try harder every time to hide it better. Im shocked at some of the things shes done. My partener and his ex agreed on something and even though they both told her not to do it, on few occasions after they found out she didnt listen, she then she gets the baby to lie. And has asked me to lie also. Their reason behind it was for the childs benefit so it made no sense why she would go against it. 

When she watches her while my partener makes her lunch, she offers her chocolates, and shes been told off so many times because his daughter wont eat evem half of her food. Ive watched her give her 2 cakes 10 minutes before her meal. Im not usually there until after lunch because i cant witness MIL throwing her up in the air while eating her dinner, its common sense why the hell would you do that??! We have to tell the childs mother what shes eaten etc and shes not happy about her not finishing her food, she gets very hyper or difficult which causes problems.

We dont want to cause problems!!!!! None of that is my parteners fault, I suggested that I come for lunch now so i can watch her and make sure shes not going against his rules. Baby is getting older to learn that daddy says no but wait until hes gone and gran will let her have it. If daddy tells her off she runs to MIL and is all loving and ignored my partener and the fact be just tried to discipline her - she doesnt care, if she can just run to granny for love and attention.  Last week my other half picked his daughter up to take her to the park. We only had 1 hour, but went to drop granny a present. We told her before we even arrived we dont have much time and what we are doing. She took forever doing everything!!! I think she did it on purpose. We couldnt go to the park and his daughter got so upset! MIL said its ok because she got to spend time with her. (Selfish) Anyway, partener cleared up before we left and he said shes going to bed in 1 hour please dont give her any of YOUR cake because shes had enough and will have a stomach ache and get hyper. Shes holding a blanket in her hand and she agrees with him saying of course i wont, and literally as soon as he turns around, she puts cake in daughters bowl behind the blanket so i couldnt see her do it (but i did im not stupid i was watching the whole time!!!!!) And she gave her 2 extra massive pieces that were larger than her original slice. When partener walks back in the room she asks if she can give baby her last bit of cake (im just sitting here in pure shock mentally nailing my lips shut) and she hands her the cake before he even responds but he was about to say no, but he agreed because it was actually a tiny bit and was already in her hand. When she got home, she was very fussy and had trouble getting to sleep. Just because MIL wanted to feed a exsessive amount of cake. 

She exessively tells her in front of everyone that granny is HER favourite person in the world and that she loves her more than anyone. She buys her a toy every time she comes over and baby now started asking what toys does she have for her today (my partener and his ex dont like that and asked her to stop but she keeps ignoring the request. 

When eating, she knows that its the only day my partener gets with her, but shes wants to get involved every second. She speaks for the poor child even though its not what she said or meant, and shes just started talking more clearly and trying to word things. But MIL literally speaks for her and the poor child can never speak for herself. It gives you such a headache. After lunch we take her to the park or on a walk so we get alone time. The atmosphere is different and baby is much easier to deal with. They actually get quality father daughter time. Before, MIL would subtly try to get baby to not want to go out and to stay at her house instead buy saying she wants to stay with Granny and watch her tv shows. Since it hasnt worked, she now wants to come on walks with us. We walk a couple of miles and she can not walk more than a few metres. Shes doing it do make a scene and bring us back to her house. She did it when we drove a few hours to the coast, spend all of what 15 minutes and then had to go home because she couldnt walk anymore. Im not trying ti be horrible but i know its what she will do and it upset his daughter when shes in pain infront of him. Does she not care about that? I suggested walking on the field near her house but it has to be far away somewhere. 

Theres a certain way i want to bring up my child and im worried if i have one with my current partener that there will be big problems. When anyone else her husband or my partener confronts her about her doing wrong, even in a nice way, all defences go up and she turns everything and starts being horrible because shes not in the wrong. My other half asked her not to throw her in the air just after she had a whole bottle of milk, so she got moody and stormed upstairs..... 

What would happen if i was to say it? What difference am I to her own Son or Husband? Surly she would go against me too? I agree with most of my partners ex ways of bringing up their daughter, MIL goes against every single thing, even worse when she knows shes mot supposed to. 

I understand its nice to be a gran and normal for them to give them sweets etc but exessively and at very inappropriate times and fully going against the actual parents rules multiple times is not right. 

I dont want to fall out with her and stop me coming round if i have a child because i dont trust her at all and she does it behind my partners back so he wouldnt even know. Their child their rules is it not? Because im a step parent i dont like to get involved in anything so i usually dont unless im asked. So ive made a suggestion and i dont know if its unreasonable but i think it may take some issues off the table. Instead of going out after lunch, we go out before lunch and then go to MIL after lunch. All the eating problems will be solved because shes not involved with it. Apart from the excessive desserts. 

I suggested counselling for my partener and MIL but he said she will just be insulted and get pissed off at the suggestion. There is clearly something wrong with their relationship. She has 0 respect for him and doesnt treat him too well. The only thing she did do was help him with money. But she never wants it back. He always feels in debt to her. Sometimes he needs to borrow money But he cam always pay it back she just wont accept it and gets offended. When he wasnt working, there was a good job but it was 12 hr shifts. She told him not to go for it because he will get too tired. Hes nearly 30!!!!! Why did she want him to stay jobless and keep borrowing money from her? 

When we were all out once, we stopped to get some food. I had my dog and i just gave her a drink but she kept telling me to give her a drink because shes thirsty.... then told me to walk her to stretch her legs but i didnt want to take her out the car in a fuel station so i said no to which she got offended again. Then she insisted she was paying for out food. Me being polite, say no of course not and id likw to pay for them this time. Her eyes started watering nearly crying, saying no im paying for you, made it awkward and then walked away. 

Another thing is she always makes comments about skinny i am and how she used to be as skinny as me (which is a lie) i dont know why she would lie about something so small but ok, and never when i look nice but when im very very run down, tired, black eyes spots and rough clothes, she will give me a compliment...(when i was a kid there was alot of people who bullied me and they used to lie to me and say i looked pretty or use words i didnt know that meant ugly but they said it meant i was pretty, this just feels exactly the same and not genuine) 

I told her my dog is unwell and cant eat any human food at all. She forces me into a shop and she wanted to hold the dog. I go in uncomfortably amd when i turn around shes crouching down with her back to me and i couldnt see the dog. I swear to god after a few weeks of healthy poos 2 hours later she was bursting to go to the toilet and it was disgusting. I know she gave her something she shouldnt of eaten because i have my eyes on her the whole time. Why would she purposely make my dog sick? Just because it tastes nice for the dog doesnt mean it wont kill her! Shes evem tried giving the dog chocolate, 'forgetting' dogs cant eat chocolate. This womans memory is a* when she wants it to be. 

I just dont know what to do with this woman. I feel like this could be a deal breaker. i wouldnt want to stop any children i have seeing their gran, i dont want to make my parteners life harder, but he wont get her any help and hes starting to give up arguing with her and just doing what she says to keep the peace even if he doesnt like it. Hes turning into a push over and evem though he wants change he doesnt know how to do it. She will just refuse help. Say we are the problem. Shes a hoarder and that cant be healthy either. Refusing to throw anything away even baby toys and clothes the ex wanted to use  for her new baby she got very angry and didnt want to give them up and that they belong to my parteners child, and tries to push that same need to his daughter saying this is all yours noone will take it keep it forever you noone will steal it dont have to share it we will never throw it away etc, shes teaching her to be anxious about her belongings and its beginning to show

i honestly dont know where to start and what to do. 

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, Private1066 said:

 i honestly dont know where to start and what to do. 

Stay away from your BFs mother's place. Let him deal with his child and co-parent with the child's mother.

Do not get involved. If you dislike his mother don't visit her. 

There's no need for you to be there when he has his daughter.

Rethink this relationship. You're not ready to have kids if you live in a one room flat. 

You'll never win with a hoarder. They are very attached to their mess and chaos and control everyone with it.

You're getting way too wrapped up in it as well. You're already catastrophizing about it and wasting your time and energy googling "toxic grandparents".

You should be researching new places to live and better jobs. You need to end the relationship.

Hoarding can run in families. Get out of the relationship while you still can.

Edited May 21, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Private1066]

17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Stay away from your BFs mother's place. Let him deal with his child and co-parent with the child's mother.

Do not get involved. If you dislike his mother don't visit her. 

There's no need for you to be there when he has his daughter.

Rethink this relationship. You're not ready to have kids if you live in a one room flat. 

You'll never win with a hoarder. They are very attached to their mess and chaos and control everyone with it.

You're getting way too wrapped up in it as well. You're already catastrophizing about it and wasting your time and energy googling "toxic grandparents".

You should be researching new places to live and better jobs. You need to end the relationship.

Hoarding can run in families. Get out of the relationship while you still can.

We are living here until we settle on a house to buy but I have stopped looking. We both have good jobs so there is no issue there. I dont want a child right now, im thinking for a few years ahead. 

He wants me to have a relationship with his daughter, and prefers when I go with him. I dont get involved Ive never said anything to his mum, i know my boundaries. My partner complains alot about the same issues and asks for my advice on what to do. 

Im researching toxic grandparents because i dont want it to be the same when I have children, because i do plan on starting a family with this person, and not seeing her will hurt my relationship with my partner or not be around to tell her not to do the things i see her do with his daughter. 

I didnt want to end my relationship just because of how his mother is, it didnt seem right. I thought there could be a way to get her to listen and respect my partener so when we have a child of our own its not exactly the same, but maybe some things cant be changed?

Im only wrapped up in it because its really affecting my partner and im anxious about my future and the complications i will have or the things i will have to just accept. I dont want to buy a house together and be stuck which is why ive been delaying it. 

I do understand where youre coming from, I am too wrapped up in it and I really dont want to be. 

[ShyViolet]

7 hours ago, Private1066 said:

I didnt want to end my relationship just because of how his mother is, it didnt seem right. I thought there could be a way to get her to listen and respect my partener so when we have a child of our own its not exactly the same, but maybe some things cant be changed?

No, you can't "get her to listen."  After all the toxic behavior you described, I'm really surprised that you still actually think you have the power to change this mother in law.  That's not going to happen.  If you bring a child into this world, it will be brought into this situation and the same toxic behaviors will continue.... unless you are able to keep your child away from your MIL.

8 hours ago, Private1066 said:

I told her my dog is unwell and cant eat any human food at all. She forces me into a shop and she wanted to hold the dog. I go in uncomfortably amd when i turn around shes crouching down with her back to me and i couldnt see the dog. I swear to god after a few weeks of healthy poos 2 hours later she was bursting to go to the toilet and it was disgusting. I know she gave her something she shouldnt of eaten because i have my eyes on her the whole time.

Why on earth would you let this woman watch your dog, after all the toxic and harmful behavior you have described previously?  YOU need to take responsibility for your choices also, and after all this toxic and dysfunctional behavior, if you still stay involved with her and do things like entrust her with your dog, then that says a lot about YOUR choices and judgment.  You are a huge part of this now.  The responsible thing to do would be to distance yourself from this woman.  THIS is how she is, and that's not going to change.  But instead you leave your dog with her, and you're even saying that you're planning on bringing a new baby into this situation.  That's poor judgment on your part.

[Acacia98]

Your partner and you actually have control over the situation. He doesn't have to see his daughter at his mother's place. He's choosing to. If his mother lived in another town, he would have had to make alternative arrangements to see his daughter. So he can make those alternative arrangements now and see his daughter under circumstances where he has control.

As I see it, the problem is not really the toxic grandma. The problem is that your partner has difficulty establishing and maintaining boundaries between him and his mother. And you and his ex seem to have gone along with this. Y'all are the emotionally healthier folks, but you're allowing the person who has serious issues to set the agenda.

[d0nnivain]

You are married to a mamma's boy .  He will always put his mom first.  You see the handwriting on the wall.  You will never be happy with him when he can't stand up to her & he won't stand up to her so don't bother trying. 

He's your BF, not your husband.  Do not have a kid with this man.  Do not marry him.  She will poison everything. 

[Sugarkane]

My advice is run. Or you’ll be fighting for custody of your own child, like me.

Edited May 27, 2021 by Sugarkane