I feel guilty over telling my boyfriend's family that he was trying to cheat on me. Should I reach out and apologize?

[howwouldiknownow22]

I need some advice after having a big fall out last night that was off the charts and I had my part in it.

I was in a 6 month long distance relationship with a man who told me he wanted to marry me,  took me on great trips, and even suggested he wanted to propose to me on month 2.  

On month 3, I realized that he wanted to act out his fantasies of having me have sex with another man and me giving BJs to both of them.  He also wanted to have public sex and tried dragging me into a men's bathroom.   When this stuff came up, I realized he was very drunk so I went to therapy and found the right words to tell him the next day that I could not do this with him in real life.  

He promised me that he didn't need this -- and that he wouldn't make me uncomfortable.  But, he did.  Within weeks he had invited a man to our hotel room while we were out of town and I panicked when he shocked me with it while we were in the middle of sex.  I should have left him then, but I believed him when he apologized and said he would never do it again.   I could have been raped.  My BF was so drunk he could barely get out of bed when I threw the guy out.  

Within a few weeks I found out that he had texted this man AGAIN and was trying to meet up with him when I was not in town...and he was talking about "adding a third person" ...in the texts they shared.  

I confronted him and he told me he was just going to meet up with him to "set him straight" and let him know that he's not gay.   Which of course was a lie.   So I broke things off -- and then he lured me back in.    He told me his whole family loves me, that he NEVER told any of his family that we had broken up and they all want us to get married etc.  

So, I booked another trip out there and the night before I discovered that his entire family had unfriended me on Facebook.   I called him and asked WTH and WHY?  He said that it must be a random FB glitch because the SWORE no one knew anything.  Which is NOT TRUE.  Obviously.

I said okay, well why don't we have dinner with your sister when I'm out there and I'd like to understand why she would do that since she and I were good -- and this really hurt me.

He had been drinking and he got angry and said he was just going to phone conference her in...which he did.  She was angry off the start and said she was working and didn't have time for this.  So he asked her to explain what happened.  She lied of course and said she never unfriended me -- and I said well, I just think it's really tough for me to believe that since you and 3 of your other family members did this to me....     I said it really doesn't matter in the big scheme of things, it's just FACEBOOK,  but it's clear my BF was lying and he was trashing me -- or they would never have done such a thing...and I just want honesty.   She said "well, I didn't do it..."

So, after she hung up, he screamed at me and said I was "grilling her" and she will never forgive me, that I'm paranoid and psychotic etc and he can't believe how I'm so insane.  I said look, I just want you to be HONEST and if we are trying to mend things, I need honesty and this is important to me to know that people aren't lying or trashing me.

Then SHE accidentally texted ME and the group chat instead of HIM and said "can I truly block her for real this time -- you have told me enough about her." 

I said "thanks.  Wow.  So you were lying?  Okay... got it.  You CLEARLY both lie." 

So she said texted back and said that she unfriended me because I've hurt her brother by not showing up for the family function (that was the night before I got that text from that man)

So, I had a few glasses of wine at this point and I texted her (copying him) and said ....NO...the reason I broke up with your brother is because I received these texts and I showed the screen shots...and said he also wanted to force me to have sex with other men.  So, I was DONE and it's clear I shouldn't have given him further chances because he is STILL lying and manipulating -- 

Well, he called me a LIAR and said I was a psycho bit*h and told his sister to block me. 

Then he texted me directly and said that he HATES ME, will SUE ME, that i'm a fuc*ing psycho -- and on and on -- that no one likes me and that I am a terrible mother (which I am NOT) and that no one really likes me -- and on and on and on "FUC* you!! 

I didn't reply.  I just sat and cried.  I've been a mess ever since.  I feel terrible that I resorted to telling her this -- but I"m SO HURT.   I just can't believe what happened and I am wondering if I should apologize for my actions?   I am sad that I did this -- but also I had to FINALLY tell someone the truth -- MY TRUTH.  

I should also say that this crazy man that he was trying to hook up with ALSO texted his ex wife and his last girlfriend.  His last girlfriend told me that he made her be a swinger and that she's proud of me for getting out so soon because she nearly caught diseases etc and that he's SICK.   But,  That's when I learned about all of this -- he showed these texts to them too! 

 

 

 

 

Edited May 21, 2021 by howwouldiknownow22

[d0nnivain]

This story with the addition of the family drama all sounds familiar.  Have you posted on LoveShack under another name?  

All of this was too much drama.  You should have stayed broken up with him.  You were foolish to let him "lure" you back in.  Once you realized his family had unfriended you on social media you should have simply accepted that & let it be.  There was no need to talk to them or confront them or whatever.  

He was nuts to conference his sister into your conversation with him about your relationship.  Once she was on the call you should have been backing out saying you are sorry he bothered her & doing your best to support her desire to get off the conversation.  You also should have recognized your BF's actions as a red flag.  Sane mature adults don't drag their siblings into their relationship.  You then poured gasoline on an incendiary situation by sending texts to his sister.  That was in bad taste & never had a chance of making you look good.  Rather you should have simply dumped him. by communicating that to his sister.  

Now that you two are broken up, save any messages you still have from him & then disconnect & block on all platforms.  Never interact with him or his family again. Anything you do at this point other than not engage will just add more problems.  So no do not reach out to apologize.  

Then do some soul searching to figure out why you lacked the self esteem necessary to walk away from him the first time & how you allowed yourself to be so gullible as to be lured back.  Then figure out what the heck you were thinking when you engaged with his sister.  Let your guilt guide you to never do something like this again.  Keep all third parties out of your romantic relationships  

[Pumpernickel]

1) Everybody seems to be drinking a little bit too much here. He has put you in dangerous situations while under the influence, so I’m wondering what you are seeing in him & what you like about him so much that you want to go back to a relationship of that type. Honest question bwt. I really want to know. 
 

2) I am sure he has told his family members things about you that you would not approve of and that might not be too flattering, hence the unfriending on Facebook. Obviously his sister doesn’t want to bother talking to you about it. And why should/would she? You’re already deleted, she is at work, she is his sister, and she believes her brother. You demanding that he call her or that there be a conversation between the three of you is absolutely ridiculous. You basically shot yourself in your own foot with that one. Even if you’re right and he’s an ass and a liar and an abuser, an alcoholic and a sex addict all wrapped into one lovely person – his sister will never admit that. Blood is thicker than water, and let’s be honest, you haven’t exactly been married to him for 30 years, so I’m pretty sure she doesn’t consider you a family member or even a distant friend. Or anything. I really don’t know what you wanted from her. To them it will only prove that you’re exactly the lunatic that he makes you out to be. You played into his hand. 
 

I mean - I’m assuming the R is over, like it should’ve been a while ago. What do you want to happen?

[howwouldiknownow22]

50 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

This story with the addition of the family drama all sounds familiar.  Have you posted on LoveShack under another name?  

All of this was too much drama.  You should have stayed broken up with him.  You were foolish to let him "lure" you back in.  Once you realized his family had unfriended you on social media you should have simply accepted that & let it be.  There was no need to talk to them or confront them or whatever.  

He was nuts to conference his sister into your conversation with him about your relationship.  Once she was on the call you should have been backing out saying you are sorry he bothered her & doing your best to support her desire to get off the conversation.  You also should have recognized your BF's actions as a red flag.  Sane mature adults don't drag their siblings into their relationship.  You then poured gasoline on an incendiary situation by sending texts to his sister.  That was in bad taste & never had a chance of making you look good.  Rather you should have simply dumped him. by communicating that to his sister.  

Now that you two are broken up, save any messages you still have from him & then disconnect & block on all platforms.  Never interact with him or his family again. Anything you do at this point other than not engage will just add more problems.  So no do not reach out to apologize.  

Then do some soul searching to figure out why you lacked the self esteem necessary to walk away from him the first time & how you allowed yourself to be so gullible as to be lured back.  Then figure out what the heck you were thinking when you engaged with his sister.  Let your guilt guide you to never do something like this again.  Keep all third parties out of your romantic relationships  

I am not disagreeing with you -- I clearly said I was wondering if I should apologize....but, I understand that engaging would also be dangerous, as well.  They are crazy....

But, yeah -- why DID I go back?  And WHY am I missing him so much today?  It's because he did a lot of great love bombing -- he acting like my hero -- until he didn't...

[howwouldiknownow22]

13 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

1) Everybody seems to be drinking a little bit too much here. He has put you in dangerous situations while under the influence, so I’m wondering what you are seeing in him & what you like about him so much that you want to go back to a relationship of that type. Honest question bwt. I really want to know. 

 

2) I am sure he has told his family members things about you that you would not approve of and that might not be too flattering, hence the unfriending on Facebook. Obviously his sister doesn’t want to bother talking to you about it. And why should/would she? You’re already deleted, she is at work, she is his sister, and she believes her brother. You demanding that he call her or that there be a conversation between the three of you is absolutely ridiculous. You basically shot yourself in your own foot with that one. Even if you’re right and he’s an ass and a liar and an abuser, an alcoholic and a sex addict all wrapped into one lovely person – his sister will never admit that. Blood is thicker than water, and let’s be honest, you haven’t exactly been married to him for 30 years, so I’m pretty sure she doesn’t consider you a family member or even a distant friend. Or anything. I really don’t know what you wanted from her. To them it will only prove that you’re exactly the lunatic that he makes you out to be. You played into his hand. 
 

I mean - I’m assuming the R is over, like it should’ve been a while ago. What do you want to happen?

Yeah -- he DID put me in several dangerous situations -- and I haven't even named them all.    And I was putting my hand on the stove so to speak - by buying another 750 dollar last minute fare to go visit him.  When I asked him (before this disaster w his sister on the phone) to reimburse me, he asked I was going to give the gifts he gave me back.  I thought that was pretty rude because I NEVER asked for them - and always spoiled him..   

[d0nnivain]

4 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

I clearly said I was wondering if I should apologize.

And I said no you should not apologize 

Take some time.  Learn to recognize love bombing.  Never fall for it again.  

Eat the $750 & don't bother about the gifts.  If he sends them back, sell them to recoup some of your losses. In your next relationship ease up on the gifts in the beginning.  

Edited May 21, 2021 by d0nnivain

[Pumpernickel]

Oh - no, you shouldn’t apologize. Move on and ignore. Why would he pay for your tickets? And yes, the love bombing is unhealthy too. Maybe somebody else can elaborate on this a bit more. Love bombers have issues. They need success quickly, for some reason, which means they’re processing something painful internally/emotionally. Also see excessive alcohol consumption - All of it is addictive behavior

 

[howwouldiknownow22]

1 hour ago, Pumpernickel said:

Oh - no, you shouldn’t apologize. Move on and ignore. Why would he pay for your tickets? And yes, the love bombing is unhealthy too. Maybe somebody else can elaborate on this a bit more. Love bombers have issues. They need success quickly, for some reason, which means they’re processing something painful internally/emotionally. Also see excessive alcohol consumption - All of it is addictive behavior

 

Honestly one of my first red flags was his drinking but often (since we are long distance) ...  I thought it was because we were on holiday...or he was at a party etc.  But even his most recent ex said he would be falling down drunk at least once a week while she lived w him.    So, last night I think he was drinking and angry that I was insinuating he was a liar (which he is) and then ..."I" had a few drinks...and lost my cool. Again, that's why I felt compelled to apologize.

I actually have his 600 dollar bday gift sitting here -- and I could return it -- or send it to him.    I am tempted to send it to him -- but for what?

[Pumpernickel]

Why do you buy him expensive gifts? 

[howwouldiknownow22]

10 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

Why do you buy him expensive gifts? 

I do well..  and he also sent me clients as referrals...so I felt indebted to him...   and yes, this will sting... we shared a couple of clients while we were together.  Every time I see their name...I think of him.  Sad 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

I actually have his 600 dollar bday gift sitting here -- and I could return it -- or send it to him.    I am tempted to send it to him -- but for what?

Good heavens, why?

You should not be engaging with this disturbed individual at all anymore. With respect, you desperately need better boundaries for yourself and a lot of work on your self-worth. It's worrying that you want this man to approve of you. 

 

[howwouldiknownow22]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Good heavens, why?

You should not be engaging with this disturbed individual at all anymore. With respect, you desperately need better boundaries for yourself and a lot of work on your self-worth. It's worrying that you want this man to approve of you. 

 

I don't disagree at all and I talk w my therapist now about this, as well.  In the big scheme of things...he is a very popular... charismatic ..successful guy.  You know the type...who believes he knows everything...and acts as if he does...  SOOOO.. yes,  I need to do some more work to get past this.   that's 100 percent true.

[d0nnivain]

Return the gift. Do not send it to him.  Think of your profits not him when you deal with the referred or mutual clients.  If you can't separate him from those clients, refer the clients to someone else.   You need to severe him on all levels.  

If you send the gift or think of him nostalgically you will cave & jump back into this mess.   The fact that you have spoke to his most recent EX about him tells me you like the drama.  

[Wiseman2]

There are so many red flags 🚩 here that after wasting 24 weeks on this weirdo, it would be best to simply cut your losses.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

[ShyViolet]

You need some very intense therapy and you need to not date for a while until you work on your issues.  Why on earth would you think it's a good idea to be involved with this dysfunctional person?  And to keep going back after the many, many red flags and chaotic, crazy behavior?  You should have left and not had anything to do with him again much, much earlier on.  This is not normal behavior.

[howwouldiknownow22]

10 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

You need some very intense therapy and you need to not date for a while until you work on your issues.  Why on earth would you think it's a good idea to be involved with this dysfunctional person?  And to keep going back after the many, many red flags and chaotic, crazy behavior?  You should have left and not had anything to do with him again much, much earlier on.  This is not normal behavior.

I don't disagree --and I KNEW I should have stopped going back in and out of this relationship when these first red flags began to show up.  But, I was so enamored by him and with his deep connection/friendship with me, that I tried very hard to believe his promises to be true.  

And -- clearly, yes, I have some work to do.

I think if I had left him earlier in this relationship, I would not have gotten so resentful and petty -- and lashed out and revealed this information to his sister.  I just got very angry...  and the way I saw it was he was LUCKY to have me even talking to him again -- and then to find out that he turned his family against me ....  pis*ed me off...

[stillafool]

Please leave this guy and his family alone.  You are right he did talk badly about you to his relatives and now they think you are somewhat crazy.  Don't apologize to them just disappear.  You think you have a deep friendship with this guy but if you did he wouldn't offer you up on a sliver platter to a strange man while you are having sex.  He basically has no respect for you.  For goodness sake get your money back for the gift you bought him.  It's like you would be paying him for treating you like dirt.  Maybe now that restrictions on covid are lifting you can find a decent guy who will treat you better.

[howwouldiknownow22]

18 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Please leave this guy and his family alone.  You are right he did talk badly about you to his relatives and now they think you are somewhat crazy.  Don't apologize to them just disappear.  You think you have a deep friendship with this guy but if you did he wouldn't offer you up on a sliver platter to a strange man while you are having sex.  He basically has no respect for you.  For goodness sake get your money back for the gift you bought him.  It's like you would be paying him for treating you like dirt.  Maybe now that restrictions on covid are lifting you can find a decent guy who will treat you better.

 

Yes, and of course during this time, I keep thinking and thinking about all the times in the past... when things seemed off with him.  I remember one time sitting next to him in a hotel bar and he was going through his recent photos to show me a picture he had just taken.  And there was a male model's face in a screen shot -- I think he was shirtless -  and I said what is that???  And he said oh that was just an accidental screen shot.   Now, that I think back,  I think that was a guy he wanted to hire to hook up with...    It's all just very disturbing... 

[Stromae]

Any further communication at this point and you are only digging yourself into a deeper hole. It’s not easy but you must learn to disconnect from situations and walk away, something which I myself still work on 

I wouldn’t apologize or on the other hand reply should anyone reach out to you. It’s over and done, time to move forward 

[Miss Spider]

😟<—— this is my face reading this story. Whyyyyyy are you feeling guilty for telling the TRUTH? The only thing you should maybe feel guilty about is putting any thought at all into this trashy guy and his family, instead of just peacing out way earlier on. This guy love bombed you, could of got you sexually assaulted/murdered,  is an aggressive drunk, trying to cheat, all kinds of things. You should have ran away as quickly as you could and never looked back. Do that now. Block them all if you need to.. You don’t need that toxicity in your life. You have nothing to justify to his family, who will probably always be on his side 

 

Also, I would speak with a professional about why you’re feeling this way, why you ignored so much and didn’t drop this guy like a hot potato way earlier. 

Edited May 22, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[howwouldiknownow22]

39 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

😟<—— this is my face reading this story. Whyyyyyy are you feeling guilty for telling the TRUTH? The only thing you should maybe feel guilty about is putting any thought at all into this trashy guy and his family, instead of just peacing out way earlier on. This guy love bombed you, could of got you sexually assaulted/murdered,  is an aggressive drunk, trying to cheat, all kinds of things. You should have ran away as quickly as you could and never looked back. Do that now. Block them all if you need to.. You don’t need that toxicity in your life. You have nothing to justify to his family, who will probably always be on his side 

 

Also, I would speak with a professional about why you’re feeling this way, why you ignored so much and didn’t drop this guy like a hot potato way earlier. 

 

Yes, I know -- and the fact that I couldn't walk away earlier is hard for me to swallow, as well.   It was crystal clear -- but I kept looking through rose colored glasses.  We had (have) so much in common...BUT the sexual stuff and the cheating/lies -- and his ANGER when I Called him out on lies -- it was all awful.   I just kept trying to believe his apologies and hoping for a better future.  But I can't meet the right guy -- when I am still w the wrong one. 

This one stings because even though we were long distance -- we talked and texted non stop every day ...and I have a big void to fill.  I'm working on it though....

[ExpatInItaly]

On 5/22/2021 at 9:05 PM, howwouldiknownow22 said:

This one stings because even though we were long distance -- we talked and texted non stop every day ...and I have a big void to fill.  I'm working on it though....

Yes, fill that void with something else.

This was all terribly unhealthy. It's so important to set boundaries with ourselves and not let loneliness drive our attachment to someone. The same goes for being attracted to someone who is popular and appears to be charismatic. We still need boundaries so we can accurately identify red flags when we see them, and not ignore them. 

Cut all contact with this person.