Partner goes cold

[Anonymous957]

Just throwing this out there for some random opinions rather than talk to close friends. 
 

I have a female friend of 5 years, She used to have feelings towards me I wasn’t interested, She’s now happily living with her partner and have a great future ahead of them which I’ve told her!

My Partner took it upon herself to go through my phone and read our messages, I had vented in the past to this friend of mine and my partner completely went off on one. This all happened because I had vented my frustrations to my partner and it fell on deaf ears so turned to my friend. 
Now I accept this was a dick move! I’ve apologised and thought it was behind us. 
 

fast forward 14 months my friend rang me and my partner went off on one again, we broke our relationship off for 3 weeks! Tomorrow I was due to meet my friend to go for a walk (this was arranged while we split)  and I spoke to my partner to put her in the loop, being honest and said if it makes you uncomfortable I need to know, she said it did!

I’m now not meeting my friend, My partner  doesn’t want to come with me either so it’s a no win! 
I’m not sure what to do, I don’t want to fall out with my friend but need to somehow reassure my partner that it’s purely platonic both ways. 

[d0nnivain]

Some how you have to make it clearer to your partner that you chose her.  Logic says that if you wanted your friend you would have hooked up with her way back when she was interested in you.  You took a pass  because you weren't interested but your current partner still sees this friend as a threat because the other woman had feelings for you long ago.  If anybody should be upset it's that woman's BF because his GF is or at least was interested in another man, you.  But since he's cool. lets not open a can of worms.  

So now it boils down to what do you want & which relationship you value more.   While you may eventually be able to bring your GF around to being OK with your friendship, but that won't happen tomorrow.  If you hope to salvage the romance, you will have to not see your female friend tomorrow.  Do tell her that you are choosing to spend time with your GF.  Don't even imply that your GF is "making you" chose between them because while your friend may understand that will set off your GF again.  

In a few weeks calmly tell your GF you would like it if she could make peace with your friendship.  Ask your GF what it would take to ease her concerns & fears.  Perhaps arrange a double date with you & your GF & your friend & her BF.  Offer your GF more transparency in the form of reading messages between you & your friend.  Never use the friend to complain about your GF again, pick a buddy or better yet learn to keep your own counsel.  

 

 

[Wiseman2]

It's not about platonic it's that you're talking trash about your partner behind her back.

It passive aggressive at best. Do you live together? What prevents you from addressing things in a more productive way?

Even worse is you expect your partner to play along and be friends with someone you gossiped and talked trash to about her.

You may want to think about getting your act together. You're adding insults to injury by insinuating she's jealous, when in fact she should just kick you to the curb for the cowardly trash talk 

 

[Anonymous957]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

 What prevents you from addressing things in a more productive way? 

 

lack of communication, I have never been able to coax anything out of her despite her saying a few things need to be worked on. 
I’ve always asked what and it just got ignored, I asked again when we’d split and just got told she didn’t want to hurt my feelings.

I did manage to get out of her she was unsure if I’d slept with someone else, This upset me a lot as the thought has never crossed my mind and couldn’t believe she’d thought it so long and not said anything. We’re pretty much living at each others houses other than working or enjoying our hobbies etc.  

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Anonymous957 said:

lack of communication,

Ok. Why not just set yourselves free. You're not happy, she's not happy. You betrayed her trust. There's just no reason to bother with all this.

[Caauug]

10 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

If anybody should be upset it's that woman's BF because his GF is or at least was interested in another man, you.  But since he's cool.

I read this as it's: two same sex relationships.... As in no BF's, only GF's.... It still shouldn't make a difference. Most guys don't "vent" about their GF's to other female friends... 

[mark clemson]

Some people are a lot easier to have rational conversations about relationships with than others. If you're with a difficult one and you want to keep the relationship you need to (in the ST) find a way around this and (in the LT) bring this up as an issue so they recognize it and you can have the difficult conversations that LTRs will at least occasionally entail.

3 weeks of cold shoulder is a LOT for something that "had already been addressed". I think there's a good chance there is more going on here than meets the eye. Perhaps it's just that more "stuff" has built up? Is it conceivable that she is on the verge of breaking up or perhaps contemplating that but not sure? Some things for you to think about.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 5/22/2021 at 5:45 AM, Caauug said:

I read this as it's: two same sex relationships.... As in no BF's, only GF's.... It still shouldn't make a difference. Most guys don't "vent" about their GF's to other female friends... 

Respectfully, some do. Many of my male friends have asked for my female perspective over the years about their significant other. They seem to value getting another woman's perspective to ensure they are not misreading a situation and want information about actions that would please their significant. My brother also asked my input on a piece of jewelry for his then girlfriend, now wife.