Bantosm Posted May 22, 2021 Share Posted May 22, 2021 My brother has always been quick to lose his temper. However, he has made some good improvement with in the last couple years. Unfortunately, I noticed a new trait where my brother acts shy only to dominate moments later. A few days ago, I was with my brother when he had an appointment to get estimate for work on his car. Now to my brother's defense he was already irritated before we left for the shop. My brother's irritation was compounded when a service vechicle blocked his driveway plus there's was a detour that added time and distance to the shop so he was a bit late to his appointment. When when went into the shop my brother acted really shy and I could barely understand what he was saying even though I was nearby. In return, the shop owner was rude and tried to intimidate my brother. Then I heard my brother loud and clear and I knew he was ready to dominate. He let the manger write up the estimate and then my brother confronted the manager about adding parts to the estimate. The manager now seemed intimidated as my brother said he wasn't interested in doing any business there. Without his temper improvement, my brother could've easyily been tempted to get in altercation in that sutuation. On the other side, my brother could find himself in these situations if he acts like a pushover. Does anyone have experience with a person who goes from shy to dominating in an instant? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted May 22, 2021 Share Posted May 22, 2021 4 hours ago, Bantosm said: He let the manger write up the estimate and then my brother confronted the manager about adding parts to the estimate. It simply seems like an irritating situation. Speaking up to shifty sales people is assertive, not "shy" or "dominant". Why are you concerned about your brothers temperament? Do you live in the same household? Is he usually argumentative or moody? What seems to be the issue for you in this? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted May 22, 2021 Share Posted May 22, 2021 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: It simply seems like an irritating situation. Speaking up to shifty sales people is assertive, not "shy" or "dominant". I'd agree. The brother was confronted with a rude, hostile shop owner and he let the guy know he wasn't going to be pushed around. Seems fair to me. Quote Without his temper improvement, my brother could've easily been tempted to get in altercation in that situation. On the other side, my brother could find himself in these situations if he acts like a pushover. Does anyone have experience with a person who goes from shy to dominating in an instant? Great. He's managed to get control over his aggression so that he can employ a bit of it when needed without the aggression getting out of hand. There's nothing wrong with somebody's natural temperament tending towards shyness/being a bit reserved. These aren't character flaws. They're just personality type. People who reacts to that personality type with aggression or dominance tactics because they think of others in terms of "people I can push around and people who I really shouldn't try to push around" are the ones with the problem, who are likely to run into problems with others. From the sound of things, your brother is just being appropriately assertive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted May 22, 2021 Share Posted May 22, 2021 4 hours ago, Taramere said: These aren't character flaws. They're just personality type. People who reacts to that personality type with aggression or dominance tactics because they think of others in terms of "people I can push around and people who I really shouldn't try to push around" are the ones with the problem, who are likely to run into problems with others. From the sound of things, your brother is just being appropriately assertive. ^I agree in principle, although I obviously don't know much about your brother's temperament. I can also relate to the car repair circumstances as there are a lot of exploitative shops and people in that business, and I've had run-ins with several myself. Gosh, I have one that's really funny, but it's long and I don't want to jack your thread. I'll just say that being of reserved demeanor, and yet able to become assertive when needed is a very positive thing imho. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 22, 2021 Share Posted May 22, 2021 Is your brother a naturally shy guy or was the shyness an act to lull the car repair guy into a false sense of security to then be caught left footed when your brother changed the narrative... He may have changed in that he no longer loses his temper but now he is playing another game... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted May 22, 2021 Share Posted May 22, 2021 Maybe your brother is just really connected with his emotional side? Being shy means that you don't push yourself forward, but being assertive means you don’t suffer fool either. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bantosm Posted May 25, 2021 Author Share Posted May 25, 2021 On 5/22/2021 at 2:40 AM, Wiseman2 said: It simply seems like an irritating situation. Speaking up to shifty sales people is assertive, not "shy" or "dominant". Why are you concerned about your brothers temperament? Do you live in the same household? Is he usually argumentative or moody? What seems to be the issue for you in this? To suggest that one can only be concerned about a family member only if they live in the same household is nonsense. My brother has a history of escalating situations to violence that is a big problem. Sure, it was an irritating situation, but even with my brother's temper improvements it wouldn't have taken much for my brother to become violent. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bantosm Posted May 25, 2021 Author Share Posted May 25, 2021 On 5/22/2021 at 4:43 AM, Taramere said: Great. He's managed to get control over his aggression so that he can employ a bit of it when needed without the aggression getting out of hand. There's nothing wrong with somebody's natural temperament tending towards shyness/being a bit reserved. These aren't character flaws. They're just personality type. People who reacts to that personality type with aggression or dominance tactics because they think of others in terms of "people I can push around and people who I really shouldn't try to push around" are the ones with the problem, who are likely to run into problems with others. From the sound of things, your brother is just being appropriately assertive. My brother isn't shy. He only acts shy to help control his temper. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bantosm Posted May 25, 2021 Author Share Posted May 25, 2021 On 5/22/2021 at 10:13 AM, elaine567 said: Is your brother a naturally shy guy or was the shyness an act to lull the car repair guy into a false sense of security to then be caught left footed when your brother changed the narrative... He may have changed in that he no longer loses his temper but now he is playing another game... My brother is not shy he just uses that to slow his temper. The problem is my brother has came close to violence on two recent occasions, over nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted May 27, 2021 Share Posted May 27, 2021 Limit your time spent with him if he bothers you that much. He's your brother so either have his back or don't spend time with him. You seem fearful of a violent outcome or fearful in general. This is more about you managing your own anxiety and if that means not spending as much time with him, so be it. You have to start maintaining your own boundaries and set up better expectations of those around you. If he asks you why you aren't keen on spending time together or hanging out, keep it civil and plain. Do not go into the nitty gritty details or start recalling instances like this one at the shop. You're just escalating the situation. Chances are he would know very well why you no longer wish to spend time with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bantosm Posted May 27, 2021 Author Share Posted May 27, 2021 44 minutes ago, glows said: Limit your time spent with him if he bothers you that much. He's your brother so either have his back or don't spend time with him. You seem fearful of a violent outcome or fearful in general. This is more about you managing your own anxiety and if that means not spending as much time with him, so be it. You have to start maintaining your own boundaries and set up better expectations of those around you. If he asks you why you aren't keen on spending time together or hanging out, keep it civil and plain. Do not go into the nitty gritty details or start recalling instances like this one at the shop. You're just escalating the situation. Chances are he would know very well why you no longer wish to spend time with him. 45 minutes ago, glows said: Limit your time spent with him if he bothers you that much. He's your brother so either have his back or don't spend time with him. You seem fearful of a violent outcome or fearful in general. This is more about you managing your own anxiety and if that means not spending as much time with him, so be it. You have to start maintaining your own boundaries and set up better expectations of those around you. If he asks you why you aren't keen on spending time together or hanging out, keep it civil and plain. Do not go into the nitty gritty details or start recalling instances like this one at the shop. You're just escalating the situation. Chances are he would know very well why you no longer wish to spend time with him. My brother has came close to fighting on three recent occasions and somehow it's about me not managing my own anxiety-ridiculous. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted May 27, 2021 Share Posted May 27, 2021 Just now, Bantosm said: My brother has came close to fighting on three recent occasions and somehow it's about me not managing my own anxiety-ridiculous. No, what's questionable is why you keep hanging out with him when you fear his violent outbursts. What do you hope to achieve by continuing to spend time with someone you don't trust? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 27, 2021 Share Posted May 27, 2021 I don't know what had your brother irritated before he left the house that day but something as trivial as traffic or a car blocking the driveway should not cause rage. That is an extreme over reaction. It does sound like your brother is trying to learn to control his temper. He's new at it & hasn't mastered the skill, so he overcompensates & appears weak. This is bad too because unscrupulous people can take advantage of that, which then sets him off more. He needs more balance which should come in time, confident but polite. Violence is never the answer but better he should only "come close" but not act. I know I can be brusque. I never mastered the art of sweet but I try to be polite. I am however very precise which irritates some people. Also when I am nervous, I tend to get more clipped in my speech which rarely helps. I am not naturally easy going so I have a tendency to set others around me on edge. I try to overcome that but am not always successful. My husband claims I'm naturally intimidating which I don't see at all but we rarely have good perspective on ourselves. Some people also have a chip on their shoulder. A friend of mine turns every perceived slight into a Federal case. She accuses everybody all the time of trying to screw her over & she fights (verbally) at the slightest provocation. In modern parlance she's a real Karen. She doesn't seem to understand that you get more flies with honey. I've learned to distance myself from her tantrums. If I'm with her I can usually de-escalate the situation through diplomacy but that can be trying. It's lovely that you are concerned but you are not your brother's keeper. Maybe you two can take a workshop about mediation or deep breathing so he develops better skills to bring himself back under control. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bantosm Posted May 28, 2021 Author Share Posted May 28, 2021 23 hours ago, glows said: No, what's questionable is why you keep hanging out with him when you fear his violent outbursts. What do you hope to achieve by continuing to spend time with someone you don't trust? That's not true. I trust my brother and certainly don't fear his quick change in temperment because I never had any problems with my brother. My concern is my brother is once again going to end up in trouble for fighting. He's acknowledged after the fact about how he was ashamed to get so mad over inconsequential things. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted May 28, 2021 Share Posted May 28, 2021 5 hours ago, Bantosm said: . My concern is my brother is once again going to end up in trouble for fighting. Does he have mental health, drug or alcohol problems? Was he ever arrested for assault? Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted May 28, 2021 Share Posted May 28, 2021 On 5/26/2021 at 9:48 PM, Bantosm said: My brother has came close to fighting on three recent occasions Close only counts in horseshoes. Good for him on standing up to that bully. Link to post Share on other sites
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