Have I been a fool?

[BGH1983]

Hi all, I never thought I'd find myself here but here goes! There's a lot to get through.

There's a girl, we were born on the same day in the same hospital, it's possible we were lying next to each other (freaky). Fast forward 18 years, we start at the same company on the same day and did our induction together as we joined slightly later than all the other starters due to having to give notice on other jobs. There were feelings there and we talked about going on a date but we were both in relationships. She ended hers but my relationship continued, so she started seeing someone else in the same office and they got married.

Fast forward another 10 years and we started going out socially, her and her husband and me and my girlfriend, and the girl and I grew closer and closer. I'd say we've been emotionally in love for 6 years, and then 2.5 years ago I kissed her and we started an affair. Not long after it started words like 'I love you' followed.

She expressed around 2 years ago that she would be willing to leave her husband for me, but I was scared to make the change and end my relationship, But then 18 months ago my relationship did end (not because of her) and the first thing she said to me was 'we can be together now'.......Then Covid struck and we were all locked down!.

Just as my ex was moving out, we were put into lockdown and we discussed when she would leave her partner and agreed that due to Covid, finances, her children etc she would need 18 months to sort everything out. I agreed and ever since then we've been in a social circle every Friday and stealing moments together every chance we got. During this time she's said things like 'I'm not in a relationship with him, I'm with you', 'I want to get married', 'I want to have a baby', and I've reciprocated. 

Her husband has been suspicious for a while and recently has been trying to look at her messages, well last weekend he was able to find something and it has all come out. In the 6 days since, he has had a full on breakdown, threatened to kill himself and been diagnosed with depression. He's begged her to give the marriage a chance and she feels like she owes it to him, although they have agreed they won't stay together for the children. 

So I'm now in limbo even more than ever, she still says she loves me and wants to be with me but can't leave him whilst he's in this state as she would never forgive herself if he killed himself.....What do I do? Currently, I'm reassuring her, telling her that I'm 100% committed, I meant everything I said and asking her to be strong and remember what she promised me, but am I doing the right thing?

I can't bare the thought of just walking away and looking back in 20 years thinking I didn't give it every chance. If I walk away I'm effectively pushing her back to him and I'd always wonder 'what if'. So I'm currently of the mindset that I'll walk away when she tells me she's staying with her husband as if that happens what we had was never real for her, it was just words. But how long do I do that for? If they've taken the children our of the decision then she has two things to do; 1) get him stable and back on his feet, and 2) decide who she wants to be with. Part of me thinks is she has to think about it she's already made her choice, but then I think about how she must be being pulled in a thousand different directions right now, I'm lost.

I would appreciate peoples thoughts.

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, BGH1983 said:

 1.she still says she loves me and wants to be with me

 2.but can't leave him 

She is not going to leave him. You're on the rebound from ending your relationship. 

You want to believe  statement#1, but the truth is statement #2. Except "won't leave him" is more accurate.

Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Get on some quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting Single, decent women. 

[NYAG]

51 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

She is not going to leave him. You're on the rebound from ending your relationship. 

You want to believe  statement#1, but the truth is statement #2. Except "won't leave him" is more accurate.

Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Get on some quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting Single, decent women. 

Quality dating apps? I wasn't aware such a thing existed. Please forward your list.

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, NYAG said:

Quality dating apps? I wasn't aware such a thing existed. .

For some people it doesn't. They tend to have bad luck wherever they go.

[NYAG]

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

For some people it doesn't. They tend to have bad luck wherever they go.

All dating apps have their fair share of liars, predators, time wasters and married people. I don't think it's bad luck, these people are experts at what they do and they are everywhere. Hiding behind a dating app profile is easy especially when you have genuine, honest and largely naive innocent people who just want to meet someone and fall for these scammers hook, line and sinker.

[Cookiesandough]

59 minutes ago, NYAG said:

Quality dating apps? I wasn't aware such a thing existed. Please forward your list.

Means you have $19.99 a month and a valid credit card. Irl that’s a low bar but in the online dating world that’s called quality 

Edited May 22, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Syre17]

I know in my case, it was always “something” in the way of her, my AP  leaving, despite saying many of the exact same words as yours. Parents health…the age of her kid…husbands health…on and on…this went on for years my friend, until I finally said “enough.” Who knows if he’s even truly in the state that she claims…possibly, but possibly not; people will do and say a lot of things when faced with this situation. If you read through this board, for every one situation where both AP’s made the split and ended up together, there are countless numbers where one of the AP ended up either staying or even going back to their spouse. First red flag, “18 months to sort things out,” second red flag, her H’s mental state. How many more red flags do you need?

[torn_heart]

6 hours ago, BGH1983 said:

Hi all, I never thought I'd find myself here but here goes! There's a lot to get through.

There's a girl, we were born on the same day in the same hospital, it's possible we were lying next to each other (freaky). Fast forward 18 years, we start at the same company on the same day and did our induction together as we joined slightly later than all the other starters due to having to give notice on other jobs. There were feelings there and we talked about going on a date but we were both in relationships. She ended hers but my relationship continued, so she started seeing someone else in the same office and they got married.

Fast forward another 10 years and we started going out socially, her and her husband and me and my girlfriend, and the girl and I grew closer and closer. I'd say we've been emotionally in love for 6 years, and then 2.5 years ago I kissed her and we started an affair. Not long after it started words like 'I love you' followed.

She expressed around 2 years ago that she would be willing to leave her husband for me, but I was scared to make the change and end my relationship, But then 18 months ago my relationship did end (not because of her) and the first thing she said to me was 'we can be together now'.......Then Covid struck and we were all locked down!.

Just as my ex was moving out, we were put into lockdown and we discussed when she would leave her partner and agreed that due to Covid, finances, her children etc she would need 18 months to sort everything out. I agreed and ever since then we've been in a social circle every Friday and stealing moments together every chance we got. During this time she's said things like 'I'm not in a relationship with him, I'm with you', 'I want to get married', 'I want to have a baby', and I've reciprocated. 

Her husband has been suspicious for a while and recently has been trying to look at her messages, well last weekend he was able to find something and it has all come out. In the 6 days since, he has had a full on breakdown, threatened to kill himself and been diagnosed with depression. He's begged her to give the marriage a chance and she feels like she owes it to him, although they have agreed they won't stay together for the children. 

So I'm now in limbo even more than ever, she still says she loves me and wants to be with me but can't leave him whilst he's in this state as she would never forgive herself if he killed himself.....What do I do? Currently, I'm reassuring her, telling her that I'm 100% committed, I meant everything I said and asking her to be strong and remember what she promised me, but am I doing the right thing?

I can't bare the thought of just walking away and looking back in 20 years thinking I didn't give it every chance. If I walk away I'm effectively pushing her back to him and I'd always wonder 'what if'. So I'm currently of the mindset that I'll walk away when she tells me she's staying with her husband as if that happens what we had was never real for her, it was just words. But how long do I do that for? If they've taken the children our of the decision then she has two things to do; 1) get him stable and back on his feet, and 2) decide who she wants to be with. Part of me thinks is she has to think about it she's already made her choice, but then I think about how she must be being pulled in a thousand different directions right now, I'm lost.

I would appreciate peoples thoughts.

Ok, so I'm going to say this with my little experience and as an advice for both, if you want to get her and a way of moving on:

Step out, tell her that you'll walk out until she is ok, walk out and distance yourself, not to the point of block her, but distance yourself emotionally. The issue here is that, if she really loves you, right now she is stressed out beyond belief and if you press her the easiest thing for her, for her mental health, would be to walk out on you instead of her family.

What you say about "if I walk away I'm pushing her back to her husband" is false.

Edited May 22, 2021 by torn_heart

[elaine567]

7 hours ago, BGH1983 said:

they have agreed they won't stay together for the children. 

How many children and how old?

[BaileyB]

12 hours ago, BGH1983 said:

I can't bare the thought of just walking away and looking back in 20 years thinking I didn't give it every chance.

There is a certain element of “this is fated in the stars” in your writing... all the way back to the fact that you were born on the same day, in the same hospital. And yet, you have never chosen to actually be together. You have chosen other partners and other relationships... and now, you have an absolute mess with children involved and apparently a suicidal husband. 

The simple truth is this isn’t fated in the stars - if it was, you would have chosen to be together long before today. You’ve had ten years to make the decision to be together and you haven’t. At one point, she was SINGLE and you still chose not to be with her. 

So NOW, you fear that you will regret walking away without giving it a chance? 

You can chose to hang around and wait for this woman if you want but I feel like it will just be more of the same... She has chosen to stay with her husband and keep her children’s family together. I think you should respect that and walk away.  (It’s not her responsibility to get him stable and back on his feet by the way. And if he really is depressed and suicidal, it’s not going to be resolved anytime soon).

[Syre17]

10 hours ago, BaileyB said:

It’s not her responsibility to get him stable and back on his feet by the way

Totally agree with this and thought the same exact thing…. 

[spiritedaway2003]

Most of the advice had been spot on. 

And the mindset of "what we had was never real for her, it was just words", that goes both ways.  You had a chance to be with her when she was SINGLE, but for whatever reasons, you chose not to.  Was it also just words to her then?  It's just a little more convenient for you now since your last relationship ended (rebounding, possibly?)

Her spouse just experienced a DDay.  There is a lot of trauma there, and they are more than beyond stressed than you can imagine.  Your best best is not to pressure her and walk away from this situation.

What is meant to be, will be.

[NYAG]

22 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Means you have $19.99 a month and a valid credit card. Irl that’s a low bar but in the online dating world that’s called quality 

I've not heard great things about the pay ones. The clientele is just as dubious. I wouldn't waste my money.

[elaine567]

On 5/22/2021 at 9:55 AM, BGH1983 said:

d when she would leave her partner and agreed that due to Covid, finances, her children etc she would need 18 months to sort everything out

This is unfortunately pretty common married person in an affair type behaviour..
"I WILL leave only not just yet..."
Dates far in advance, kicking the can down the road.
Now she has a valid excuse as in the suicidal husband... 
Then it will be the struggling  kids, the ailing parents, the sick dog, the holidays, the job change, then another kid problem,... etc. etc....
Married people have a lot of ties that bind, leaving is so complicated and hard to do.
As many in affairs are conflict avoidant, then they often choose to stay, as that is usually the easiest path to take.
She may leave him if he chucks her out or he files for divorce, but that isn't really the same as leaving of her own volition.

[Syre17]

5 hours ago, elaine567 said:

This is unfortunately pretty common married person in an affair type behaviour..
"I WILL leave only not just yet..."
Dates far in advance, kicking the can down the road.
Now she has a valid excuse as in the suicidal husband... 
Then it will be the struggling  kids, the ailing parents, the sick dog, the holidays, the job change, then another kid problem,... etc. etc....
Married people have a lot of ties that bind, leaving is so complicated and hard to do.
As many in affairs are conflict avoidant, then they often choose to stay, as that is usually the easiest path to take.
She may leave him if he chucks her out or he files for divorce, but that isn't really the same as leaving of her own volition.

Yep…this ⬆️

[Snakesalive]

On 5/22/2021 at 9:55 AM, BGH1983 said:

She expressed around 2 years ago that she would be willing to leave her husband for me, but I was scared to make the change and end my relationship

Sorry but this has all the hallmarks  of an affair that probably won’t stand the transition into something permanent. IMO you’d both be embarking on a relationship that will put you under a pressure that you won’t believe . Do you really want that? Right now there is too much hurt too much emotion for any rational thinking . Personally I would  go NC  -anything else is just a pretence . 

If you really care for her walk away and give her space . I get that you think this might mean “losing “ her but she’s not a prize to win in some crazy competition. If -and it’s a big if , her marriage is over let it end without you being in the picture . 

Edited May 23, 2021 by Snakesalive

[torn_heart]

23 hours ago, BaileyB said:

It’s not her responsibility to get him stable and back on his feet by the way. And if he really is depressed and suicidal, it’s not going to be resolved anytime soon

Ok, so here is what I think:

It's not her risponsibility, but the guilt she feels (because of the affair) makes it feel as it is. 

That's why I say that going NC is the best option, right now she is way too stressed and if he pressures her the easiest is to stay where she is. 

[ExpatInItaly]

She is unlikely to ever leave her husband, OP. 

It's time you walked away, yes. You are wasting your time and emotional energy on someone who is not doing the same for you, and not available to do so anyway.