My fiancé and his ex

[Ashruiz]

3 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

See that is where you lose me.  He made a knowing decision to have sex with somebody who did not have the legal capacity to consent.  That is a problem.  It's not about trying to be a better man.  It's about judgment & good character.  He doesn't have them.  

My husband posits the following justification:  Say somebody in their early 20s makes the decision that to protect themselves that they  will only sleep with people they meet in bars that card at the door.  Unbeknownst to them, a 15 year old with a mature demeanor & a great fake ID gets in.  The person then has sex with the minor.   The law still says that is a sex crime because it's a strict liability offense.  Knowledge is not an element of the crime.  

That I could forgive / look past but to know & do it anyway . . . your FI isn't a guy who makes good decisions.  His lack of ethics & morals alone would send me running.  

Seriously his participation on social media is the least of your problems.  

He has treated me like a Queen since the day we have met and has been nothing but a gentlemen. People can’t change?

[d0nnivain]

6 minutes ago, Ashruiz said:

He has treated me like a Queen since the day we have met and has been nothing but a gentlemen. People can’t change?

I'm sure he treats you well & that is lovely but how well did he treat his victim?  You need to find a man who treats you well who doesn't have all this baggage.  You also have to figure out how to get out from under this loan you co-signed.  I could not trust his judgment & would be terrified that he's leave me holding the bag.  

[elaine567]

He knew this girl was underage yet he went ahead and had sex with her anyway...he is now viewed as a sex offender, and as such he knows he shouldn't be making FB accounts yet he does so anyway and it is the person who reported him's fault for upsetting him and spoiling his life...
What???
I guess it is all the court's fault for jailing him too

Seems he has a  big attitude problem.
Why are you defending him here?

[Ashruiz]

6 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

He knew this girl was underage yet he went ahead and had sex with her anyway...he is now viewed as a sex offender, and as such he knows he shouldn't be making FB accounts yet he does so anyway and it is the person who reported him's fault for upsetting him and spoiling his life...
What???
I guess it is all the court's fault for jailing him too

Seems he has a  big attitude problem.
Why are you defending him here?

Because he has treated me like a Queen and been very kind to me. Otherwise why I would get a house with this man?

[Ashruiz]

11 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I'm sure he treats you well & that is lovely but how well did he treat his victim?  You need to find a man who treats you well who doesn't have all this baggage.  You also have to figure out how to get out from under this loan you co-signed.  I could not trust his judgment & would be terrified that he's leave me holding the bag.  

So someone treating you well is not enough? Just out of curiosity, I shouldn’t get a home with a man that’s treats me like a Queen because of his past?
All of a sudden his ex’s mind games aren’t a problem. This man can’t stand the sight of her and I see why but not one person looks to her as being manipulative because of his past. It’s unfair 

[d0nnivain]

1 minute ago, Ashruiz said:

Because someone treating you well is not enough? Just out of curiosity, I shouldn’t get a home with a man that’s treats me like a Queen because of his past?

No, that isn't enough.  How do you reconcile his crime with how he treats you?  Don't you care about character or morals / ethics?  

When the bad thing is so bad, IMO you need a lot more than a kind soul to over come that.  Every man I have ever dated treated me like a Queen because I have self confidence, self esteem & don't tolerate being treated poorly by someone I have dated.  

Why did you rush so fast?  Given his past it would have been advisable to take more time to get to know him to make sure he really has changed. 

Rushing head long into danger & being more worried about his social media status than the long term impact of his conviction on your lives together shows a lack of critical thinking skills & poor decision making on your part.  He's going to have trouble finding a job.  There will always be social stigma surrounding his past.  Presumably all this business with the EX did not just pop up after your engagement.  It should have been resolved before you contemplated getting serious with him.   Yet you dived in I suspect out of loneliness & because you have a history of poor relationships in the past so this looks good by comparison when in reality is it is just less terrible then you other failed relationships in the past but that doesn't make it good.  

[Ashruiz]

7 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

No, that isn't enough.  How do you reconcile his crime with how he treats you?  Don't you care about character or morals / ethics?  

When the bad thing is so bad, IMO you need a lot more than a kind soul to over come that.  Every man I have ever dated treated me like a Queen because I have self confidence, self esteem & don't tolerate being treated poorly by someone I have dated.  

Why did you rush so fast?  Given his past it would have been advisable to take more time to get to know him to make sure he really has changed. 

Rushing head long into danger & being more worried about his social media status than the long term impact of his conviction on your lives together shows a lack of critical thinking skills & poor decision making on your part.  He's going to have trouble finding a job.  There will always be social stigma surrounding his past.  Presumably all this business with the EX did not just pop up after your engagement.  It should have been resolved before you contemplated getting serious with him.   Yet you dived in I suspect out of loneliness & because you have a history of poor relationships in the past so this looks good by comparison when in reality is it is just less terrible then you other failed relationships in the past but that doesn't make it good.  

I appreciate you explaining it and I see why you feel that way. And yes people have labeled him a “monster” but I just see a godly man. His mother and step father needed a place to live of course I was gonna help my man. As far as moral ethics I do think he realizes what he did what disgusting and wrong and he always makes it a point to let people know he has changed. 

The thing with his ex is that he offered to be her friend but she said no. And they have a horrible history anyway. I just feel like she dislikes him a lot and is jealous we are being married and will do anything to make him miserable. He was in prison. He got his punishment why can’t she just leave us alone? He absolutely hates her I know for a fact. So when the person that’s trying to ruin your life comes up on social media, you don’t immediately block their access?.

he does have a job, he works at as vender delivery job and he makes good money 

[d0nnivain]

Still if you see his EX as the biggest problem in your relationship, why did you accept his proposal before he straightened things out with her & permanently removed her from his life?  If she's still around then you have a problem.  (IMO she's the least of our problems) 

Love is also a poor reason to make financially risky decisions.  I have bailed guys out when I was younger. . . I made a few car payments for one because I loved him & thought a couple of bucks to get him back on his feet would be no big deal. He came to view me as an ATM.  It rarely works out well. 

Do you not understand he offered his mother & step father a place to live on your dime?  You are now supporting 3 people who are too lazy to support themselves.  

Please be careful.  I don't see this working out well for you.  

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, Ashruiz said:

She should stop reporting him. I mean idk I dont have proof but who else? I went to her page and there’s no sign of anything like no anger or anything she’s probably hiding it on purpose 

It's fine that you dislike it but there's really not much you can do.

Since your fiancé is a registered sex offender, he will face more difficulties in life than the average individual.

If you believe his ex is causing trouble, it's probably best if he separate himself from her and stay off of Facebook.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Ashruiz said:

She should stop reporting him.

Why? If anyone sees him on FB they should report it.

[Ashruiz]

6 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Still if you see his EX as the biggest problem in your relationship, why did you accept his proposal before he straightened things out with her & permanently removed her from his life?  If she's still around then you have a problem.  (IMO she's the least of our problems) 

Love is also a poor reason to make financially risky decisions.  I have bailed guys out when I was younger. . . I made a few car payments for one because I loved him & thought a couple of bucks to get him back on his feet would be no big deal. He came to view me as an ATM.  It rarely works out well. 

Do you not understand he offered his mother & step father a place to live on your dime?  You are now supporting 3 people who are too lazy to support themselves.  

Please be careful.  I don't see this working out well for you.  

 

1 minute ago, Alpaca said:

It's fine that you dislike it but there's really not much you can do.

Since your fiancé is a registered sex offender, he will face more difficulties in life than the average individual.

If you believe his ex is causing trouble, it's probably best if he separate himself from her and stay off of Facebook.

So just out of curiosity…. She doesn’t seem like a problem to you?

[d0nnivain]

7 minutes ago, Ashruiz said:

She doesn’t seem like a problem to you?

She's a minor annoyance. 

Your major problems are: 

1.  He's a sex offender who knowingly had sex with a 16 year old CHILD.  

2.  You are co-signing a loan for him

3.  He's using your financial support to pay for his mom & step father

4.  You think this makes him a generous & God fearing man when I all see is him playing you for a sucker. 

5.  He's a convicted felon

6. You rushed into this.  Together since April 2020 & engaged by February 2021.  April of 2020 was the beginning of the pandemic.  Few people had meaningful choices, meaning you have no idea who he is & how he will behave when the world is reopened. 

7.  You are enamored by how well his treats you which makes me wonder how badly you were treated in the past so that your judgment about what constitutes a "good relationship" is skewed.  Better than what you were dealing with does not equal good. 

8.  You are fixated on the wrong issues.  

9. While his vendor delivery job is good for now, what happens if he loses it?  Convicted felons have a hard time finding work. 

10.  You don't seem to grasp the significance of the stigma you will face.  

Edited May 23, 2021 by d0nnivain

[Ashruiz]

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

She's a minor annoyance. 

Your major problems are: 

1.  He's a sex offender who knowingly had sex with a 16 year old CHILD.  

2.  You are co-signing a loan for him

3.  He's using your financial support to pay for his mom & step father

4.  You think this makes him a generous & God fearing man when I all see is him playing you for a sucker. 

5.  He's a convicted felon

6. You rushed into this.  Together since April 2020 & engaged by February 2021.  April of 2020 was the beginning of the pandemic.  Few people had meaningful choices, meaning you have no idea who he is & how he will behave when the world is reopened. 

7.  You are enamored by how well his treats you which makes me wonder how badly you were treated in the past so that your judgment about what constitutes a "good relationship" is screwed.  Better than what you were dealing with does not equal good. 

8.  You are fixated on the wrong issues.  

9. While his vendor delivery job is good for now, what happens if he loses it?  Convicted felons have a hard time finding work. 

10.  You don't seem to grasp the significance of the stigma you will face.  

I do want to address how he treats me because you don’t seem to believe it. He buys me flowers before every single date. He’s never posted about a woman on social media before me. He tells me I’m beautiful and how lucky he is every single day. 

[Ashruiz]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why? If anyone sees him on FB they should report it.

Wow lol. Why would anyone who doesn’t hate him do that?

[d0nnivain]

1 minute ago, Ashruiz said:

I do want to address how he treats me because you don’t seem to believe it. He buys me flowers before every single date. He’s never posted about a woman on social media before me. He tells me I’m beautiful and how lucky he is every single day. 

I do not doubt that you think he treats you well.  All of those are nice things.  But they are not the stuff marriage is made of. Marriage is not a fairly tale. It's hard work.  It requires both people to exercise good judgment, rational thought & earnestness.  

Never previously posting about a woman is meaningless.  Besides how would you know?  His accounts keep getting deleted there is no post history.  

If you had to co-sign a loan for him he should not be buying you flowers, Every spare cent should be going to pay off the loan.  

Do your parents & friends know about this conviction?  What do they have to say?  

 

1 minute ago, Ashruiz said:

Wow lol. Why would anyone who doesn’t hate him do that?

Because if I was the parent of a teenager on social media I would not want my kid on there knowing there are people posting who like to take advantage of young naïve vulnerable girls.  It's every parents' nightmare.  

[Alpacalia]

3 minutes ago, Ashruiz said:

 

So just out of curiosity…. She doesn’t seem like a problem to you?

Sure, if you believe that she is actively doing it to prevent the two of you from moving forward.

Still, how much input and/or presence do you want this one thing to have on your relationship?

If anything, you should be limiting the frequency of your interaction.

Not trying to get back on Facebook only for it to be deleted again.

 

[lana-banana]

How old was he at the time? You say she was 16, but there is a very big difference between a 16 and 18-year-old and, say, a 30-year-old.

 

[Ashruiz]

1 minute ago, lana-banana said:

How old was he at the time? You say she was 16, but there is a very big difference between a 16 and 18-year-old and, say, a 30-year-old.

 

29

[lana-banana]

1 minute ago, Ashruiz said:

29

And he KNEW she was 16 at the time? He's a predator. What are you thinking?

[Ashruiz]

5 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

And he KNEW she was 16 at the time? He's a predator. What are you thinking?

Again, he can’t change?

[Wiseman2]

46 minutes ago, Ashruiz said:

Why would anyone who doesn’t hate him do that?

Because he's been in jail. Is a registered sex offender and as pointed out, it's against FB policy to have sex offenders on their site.

Doesn't matter if they "hate him", just the right thing to do.

Is he that unaware that FB has databases and bans registered offenders?

Is he that unaware that anyone can google his name/a map and see precisely what he has done, where he is registered, etc.? 

[d0nnivain]

13 minutes ago, Ashruiz said:

Again, he can’t change?

Maybe but you haven't known him long enough to make an accurate assessment.  

[lana-banana]

14 minutes ago, Ashruiz said:

Again, he can’t change?

People can change, but what you describe (knowingly taking advantage of a teenager to have sex) is a very, very egregious lapse in judgment, and would require many years of demonstrated good behavior and commitment to reform. What evidence do you have that he's changed? "He treats me well" is not evidence of anything. Was the minor engaged in sex work---which would itself be a separate and worrying issue---or was he pretending to be her boyfriend? How long ago did he do this?

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

 "He treats me well" is not evidence of anything. 

Agree. In fact he is adept at grooming people to use/abuse them, just like cosigning a mortgage.

[Ashruiz]

19 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

People can change, but what you describe (knowingly taking advantage of a teenager to have sex) is a very, very egregious lapse in judgment, and would require many years of demonstrated good behavior and commitment to reform. What evidence do you have that he's changed? "He treats me well" is not evidence of anything. Was the minor engaged in sex work---which would itself be a separate and worrying issue---or was he pretending to be her boyfriend? How long ago did he do this?

She was a student of his and this was 2016. Her mother found out and called the police 

Edited May 23, 2021 by Ashruiz