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What's your thoughts on a person that tells you they cheated on an ex?

Miss Spider

By Miss Spider,
in Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy

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Miss Spider

Miss Spider

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Posted (edited)

Curious if anyone has been here/has opinions on it? 
 

They told you they cheated on an ex on the past and they felt bad about it??
 

Edited by Cookiesandough
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Happy Lemming

Happy Lemming

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I keep my past in the past.  I don't talk about what I did (in the past) with the person I'm presently dating.

You are dating this new person, you are not their therapist.  If they have some unresolved issue/problem take it up with a medical professional or clergyman, not the new person they are dating.

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Miss Spider

Miss Spider

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4 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

I would try my best not to judge but they wouldn't be for me.

How come? 

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Alpacalia

Alpacalia

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Just now, Cookiesandough said:

How come? 

Dating is hard enough.

One less thing to worry about I suppose.

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hippychick3

hippychick3

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That would be a dealbreaker for me. I went on a few dates with men who admitted that they cheated and although they felt remorse, I knew I’d probably never trust that person in the future not to cheat on me if we were to fight or have any rough patches. I appreciated their honesty and although I’m sure there were men I dated who cheated but didn’t admit it, just having that knowledge of the men who did cheat was enough to not want to seriously date them. 
 

Loyalty and faithfulness are the most important character traits to me. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t always carry these traits in their relationships in both the good times and the bad. 

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Miss Spider

Miss Spider

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7 minutes ago, hippychick3 said:

That would be a dealbreaker for me. I went on a few dates with men who admitted that they cheated and although they felt remorse, I knew I’d probably never trust that person in the future not to cheat on me if we were to fight or have any rough patches. I appreciated their honesty and although I’m sure there were men I dated who cheated but didn’t admit it, just having that knowledge of the men who did cheat was enough to not want to seriously date them. 
 

Loyalty and faithfulness are the most important character traits to me. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t always carry these traits in their relationships in both the good times and the bad. 

I totally agree with you and alpaca... which is why I wonder why someone would admit this on a date 🤔

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Mrin

Mrin

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This has happened twice to me. The first woman had a same sex affair when she was in a deeply unsatisfying marriage to a man. So somewhat understandable. We didn't date for long.

The other time it happened was with a woman who had had a revenge affair after learning about her husband's multiple affairs. She didn't do it for revenge per se but definitely was something that but for his affairs would never have happened. To me, this felt more understandable and, I guess, excusable.

So I guess this is a short way of saying circumstances matter a lot. Oddly enough, an affair by a woman who was married is more excusable in my mind than a woman who wasn't married. Which is weird right because the level of commitment should be higher in marriage. But, so is the level of structural complications especially if kids are involved. Whereas someone who is not married should just simply break up rather than cheat. I mean at that point it's just really bad morality and decision making.

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elaine567

elaine567

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7 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

I totally agree with you and alpaca... which is why I wonder why someone would admit this on a date 🤔

I guess experience.
Probably have hid it in the past for it all to come out later and then it would be a lot harder to explain and it may involve a painful break up..
Cards on the table, so no worry about being found out and having to lie a lot to keep it a secret.
If the  woman wants.to make it a deal breaker then so be it, better early doors than 6 months down the line...

Edited by elaine567
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Blind-Sided

Blind-Sided

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To me it would be a HUGE deal breaker.  the reality is... IT'S NOT OK TO CHEAT BECASUE YOU ARE UNHAPPY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you are unhappy... break up, and move on.  When someone admits to it... they are saying that they feel it's ok to do.  And guess what... they will be OK with doing it again.

A break up is heard enough... but cheating is a breakup with the extra pain knowing the person you thought you could trust was a lying hunk of garbage. Sorry to be blunt... but it's the truth. 

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d0nnivain

d0nnivain

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Especially if this disclosure came relatively early on in the dating process, I'd wonder what was wrong with them that they felt the need to confess to me.  People need to learn to keep their own counsel & not blurt out super personal things early on to relative strangers. I'd feel this was about a lot of disclosures.  I have more respect for people who are more discrete. 

If I was dumb enough to ask the Q, I suppose I'd be grateful for the candor.  Then I'd have to ask a lot more Qs. 

Depending on the timing & the circumstances I might be willing to get over it.  The timing would have to be a long time ago & not on the immediate last SO & the circumstances must not have been carrying on a long term on-going second relationship.  I could & have  worked with a one off, especially if it happened when the person was relatively young, i.e. somebody older than mid 20s confessed that while in a relationship they kissed another person while drunk at a HS or college party.  Many years after the fact I'd be willing to give the benefit of the doubt that they learned from their mistake & grew up. 

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Blind-Sided

Blind-Sided

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6 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

...

Depending on the timing & the circumstances I might be willing to get over it.  The timing would have to be a long time ago & not on the immediate last SO & the circumstances must not have been carrying on a long term on-going second relationship.  I could & have  worked with a one off, especially if it happened when the person was relatively young, i.e. somebody older than mid 20s confessed that while in a relationship they kissed another person while drunk at a HS or college party.  Many years after the fact I'd be willing to give the benefit of the doubt that they learned from their mistake & grew up. 

I can see that point.  BUT... There have also been a bunch of posts where people use getting drunk as an accuse. But you are right... 20 years in the past, and it wasn't a full blown affair... ok... maybe. 

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d0nnivain

d0nnivain

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@Blind-Sided  Again I'm taking about something that happened once.   I'm not going to automatically condemn a 25 year old who confessed to "cheating" on their HS sweetheart back home  by making out with another person when they were 19 & drunk for the 1st time at a frat party.   I would be much more wary of somebody who did that last month  

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elaine567

elaine567

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There is a manipulative trick that involves being oh so honest but the honesty is a cover for deeper lies and issues..
 By showing such honesty, the assumption is then that the person is an honest person who owns up to their mistakes,  and can therefore be trusted. 
But that is a long way from the truth.

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d0nnivain

d0nnivain

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16 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

There is a manipulative trick that involves being oh so honest but the honesty is a cover for deeper lies and issues..
 By showing such honesty, the assumption is then that the person is an honest person who owns up to their mistakes,  and can therefore be trusted. 
But that is a long way from the truth.

Yeah my radar would be up on that score too as in if you are telling me this bad thing, how awful is what you are not telling me?  

Edited by d0nnivain
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ShyViolet

ShyViolet

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If it was a long time ago, then I think it's judgmental and small-minded to rule someone out because of this.  Lots of people have all kinds of things in their pasts.  Lots of people did stupid things when they were young.  People are allowed to learn from mistakes and change.

However, if this person is telling you this on a first date or within the first few dates, then that's kind of weird and dumb of them, and I'd see that as maybe a red flag.

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spiritedaway2003

spiritedaway2003

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3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

There is a manipulative trick that involves being oh so honest but the honesty is a cover for deeper lies and issues..
 By showing such honesty, the assumption is then that the person is an honest person who owns up to their mistakes,  and can therefore be trusted. 
But that is a long way from the truth.

What would you have them to do?

Damned if they do, damned if they don’t. 

Maybe don’t ask and don’t tell is simply better. 

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smackie9

smackie9

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12 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

I totally agree with you and alpaca... which is why I wonder why someone would admit this on a date 🤔

Because they want you to think they won't do it again, "show remorse" and the possibility of the ex contacting you to tell you or warn you. I feel they are protecting themselves. It's like them saying they are a "nice guy" when it's usually is the opposite.

But regardless whether they are being honest or not, this would turn me off.

Edited by smackie9
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seapebbles

seapebbles

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This is a big red flag for me. First, it tells me that the person might not be capable of an open, honest relationship and healthy enough to work out issues with their partner or end the relationship. Second, it tells me that this person is capable of lying and being deceptive to someone that they love, and I would wonder how far this behavior carries into other parts of their life.

Edited by seapebbles
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d0nnivain

d0nnivain

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3 hours ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

Maybe don’t ask and don’t tell is simply better. 

Exactly.  If cheating behavior is no longer an issue in their lives & they now have self control, there is no reason for the disclosure.  

If somebody asks about past cheating because they won't tolerate it in a relationship, they will dump even a reformed person who tells the truth.  

If the person knows they are not the faithful sort they may share this info to see how the new partner reacts in a manipulative effort to inoculate themselves against future transgressions. Expect to hear the excuse "you know how I am" 

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