I'm very confused.

[NPC86]

I'm 34 (M) and she 27 (F).

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I've found myself in this strange predicament. I met Alex (fake name) at work 2 years ago. Over time we developed a close friendship. My previous GF of 6 years had just dumped me, so I wasn't in a great state of mind. Early on, I had no intentions of anything more than friendship with Alex. We would go on daily walks during lunch time at work, and would occasionally hang out at a local bar after hours. A month or so into our friendship (late 2019) we decided to catch a movie then head to a bar afterwards. After a few drinks, we started making out. It got pretty hot and heavy, but didn't go past making out that night. Over the course of the next couple months, this happened a couple more times (never escalating beyond kissing), until one night when I mentioned that I think I'm interested in something more. She told me that she obviously liked me but feared a relationship with a co-worker could get complicated and she didn't want to go down that route. I respected it. A couple of weeks later, the pandemic happens and she leaves her apartment to quarantine with her parents (about 150mi away). We both lose our jobs because of the pandemic. We still kept in touch, texting nearly everyday. 

Fast forward to August 2020. She tells me she's coming back for a week to pack up her stuff and move out of her apartment. She is planning on returning early next year but since her lease was up, she felt it was wasteful keeping the apartment. Anyways, we plan on meeting up. Once she comes back, we hang out every night she is here. Nothing physical happens until night 3 when we finally slept together. I spent the next 2 nights there with her. It was enjoyable, and I felt we might be building something. She returns home to her parents place, and we continue to text daily. She invited me down to spend a week there at the end of September. It was a good time. We didn't sleep together as she was apprehensive about her parents being there. The relationship was still physical though, even if somewhat undefined.

Months go by, still texting quite often. I spend the winter months in Florida, so we didn't see eachother again until 2 weeks ago when she returns. She invites me over once she moves back. I'm not sure what to expect since it had been 7 months since we'd seen eachother and we really didn't discuss what had happened the previous summer/fall. It wasn't quite taboo but it just wasn't something we talked about. Anyways, I visit her and we spend a fun night having drinks and catching up, but nothing physical happens. I got the sense there was still something there. Even tho there were no romantic moves made, there was still a lot of consensual touching, hand on the back, touching of the shoulders, going both ways. Also, before I visited she, somewhat strangely, asks me not to tell her mother I'd be visiting. Now I occasionally texted with her mother, and by occasionally, I mean once every few months. It's usually just a check-in to see how she's doing as she was quite nervous about Covid. I asked Alex why it was important that I not mention my visit to her mom (not that I had any intention of doing so). She responds by saying "I dunno, it's just something I don't want to have to talk to my mom about. It's not something you talk to your mother about." I took that to mean that something would happen that night. It didn't. After leaving I was upset with myself for not making a move. 

On to the inflection point. I visit her yesterday. We plan to spend the day together, explore her new neighborhood, get some dinner, etc. As the day progresses, nothing has happened. Towards the end of the night, she tells me she's getting quite tired and is ready to call it a night. It's at this point (perhaps buoyed by some liquid courage) that I decide to broach the elephant in the room. I use that precise language. I tell her that I wanted to address what had happened last summer, and wonder if that's something that was just a one off thing. She says back to me, with a frustrated tone, that it was and that she told me that (she didn't). Then she proceeds to insinuate that the only reason I wanted to hang out with her was to have sex. It definitely wasn't, and I tell her that it's because I genuinely like her. She gets more impatient and says "well, I don't like you." She then tells me to leave. I leave.

I've texted her a couple times and called a couple times since. I told her, via text, that it wasn't my intention to make her uncomfortable in her own home. I just wanted to get it out there how I felt. I reiterated that I have actual feelings for and it wasn't just about sex for me. She has not reached out to me, and I'm not sure if she plans to. 

I'd really appreciate your feedback/advice. I'm just genuinely perplexed by the whole situation. She absolutely knew I had feelings for her. I never hid that from her and yet I was met with such a hostile reaction. I can handle rejection, but I don't think I've ever misread a situation to this extent. Or did I?

Thanks

[d0nnivain]

Not being able to see any of the body language involved or hear her tone I have no idea if you mis-read the situation.  Based on what you wrote, which is all your perspective, nothing was off but that doesn't mean you didn't miss something

Give her a day or two & then go back to your normal communications patters acting as though you never brought it up & that you didn't have sex.  You might be able to salvage the friendship but to what end?  She has made it plain she doesn't want to date you.  If either of you actually get new SO's those people will not tolerate the other's presence because of the shared sexual history.  

[AthaGreat]

Hey, I think the major problem here is that you guys did not discuss and manage expectations. I think she told tou not to tell her mom about the visit because she doesn't see this as a long term thing. I say give her a few days then try contacting her again, if you are unsuccessful then it is best for you to move on. All the best. Hope you find a happy and healthy relationship soon.

[dramafreezone]

I think this biggest issue is you met this woman at such a vulnerable moment, so maybe there's some sort of anchor to that role she played in your life after your breakup from your ex.

I would just try to forget about it.  It looks like she never wanted anything serious and she felt you catching feelings.  If you'd just gone with the flow and played it cool you would probably still be hooking up, and what's wrong with that?  Of course if you want more than you were right to bring it up so you know where you stand now.

[Wiseman2]

It's odd indeed. Sort of friendzone with a one night stand mixed in that she'd rather forget about.