leafguy Posted May 23, 2021 Share Posted May 23, 2021 Afternoon everyone, Just looking for responses with regards to my current situation. My wife and I are officially separated, with the move out having happened last week. We share two dogs and everything has been very amicable to this point. I don't foresee any issues going forward with that. Where I am questioning is for someone to give me an unbiased opinion. We met in 2017, moved in together Nov 2018, married Nov 2019. About 6 months into the marriage, things hit a rut, pretty much where Covid hit. I lost my job, her family refused to see her and everything was just a total mess. We both hit rough patches with ourselves, her depression far deeper than mine, but both going through it. Our intimacy suffered, and she asked us to seek counselling. I kind of shrugged off the idea the first time and a couple months go by and she brings it up again. This time I agreed as she stressed that she wasn't happy with where we were at and that she needed to connect with me more on that level. I agreed and we ended up having 3 sessions before it introduced us to an exercise to explore each other's bodies. It was essentially a massage without touching the naughty bits, just designed to explore. Mine went by fine, but as soon as she was uncovered in front of me belly up, she got extremely uncomfortable. The only thing she could tell me is that she felt vulnerable and through no fault of my own, a switch flipped that she needed to stop the marriage counselling and work on this issues that was triggered. She had been abused in her prior relationship. Fast forward a week, and she brings up the I don't know if I'm going to be able to stay in the marriage and work on said trauma issues that arose. When asking her to talk to me about it, she outright refused and went extremely defensive saying I wouldn't understand unless I experienced it. After this, it was like a switch flipped in her and she started treating me a lot more cold / distant. It was like the entire universe was to revolve around her for the next 6 months up until present so she could focus on her and this is where it has lead. I know on my end, I neglected to listen to her for those couple months and her needs. This is something I am 100% sure of and admitted too. She also said I didn't empathize with her enough to her issues, which I didn't fully understand and was clear to her about, or support her enough and her decisions. Upon explaining to her that I didn't fully understand severe depression and that I couldn't completely understand what it felt like to not have the motivation to get out of bed and go to work, or want to do little things, passive-aggressiveness typically followed. Fast forward to a couple months ago and she gets close with her bosses other half, as they are both struggling in there relationships and they form a bond over that. She was honest about letting me know about them, but it ultimately ended up with her getting fired after said boss found incriminating texts between them on work time. I told her not to go down the rabbit hole, but she said it was nice to have someone know how she felt. Rather than tell me this, she can tell this guy. He was also under a different name in her phone (again she told me) but it was so her boss wouldn't know. She has been in therapy for 3ish months now and I have actually had a few of my own sessions with the same therapist who focuses with trauma based issues, but also deals with relationships to help me understand what it is she is going through. Everything was emotional, and no logical decisions were being made on her end, which kind of makes sense. I am all about self growth and trying to improve on things so I'm seeking a few more sessions to see if I can improve on a few of my own issues that I feel I have. It was determined that I lack empathy and I didn't support her enough (things she said to the therapist to relay to me) My main questions are - anyone who has been through this type of thing, why wouldn't she have felt comfortable sharing anything with me? Anyone out there have trauma issues and can expand a bit more on the mindset of it? Was there a case of GIGS here? Is there anything I could have done differently other than listen to her sooner with the details I have given? At this point I have no idea what I want going forward. Its alot of emotional right now with me still wanting to be with her, but also thinking I should move on. We still will end up seeing each other fairly frequently due to sharing dogs etc. Link to post Share on other sites
emprosnet7 Posted May 24, 2021 Share Posted May 24, 2021 How old are you and she? Does she have other issues that the abuse? Self harm? Roller coaster emotions ? Excessive spending? Link to post Share on other sites
Author leafguy Posted May 24, 2021 Author Share Posted May 24, 2021 Me 35, her 32. Roller coaster emotions yes. No self harm, and yes she has been known to spend a fair bit of money on retail therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
emprosnet7 Posted May 25, 2021 Share Posted May 25, 2021 10 hours ago, leafguy said: My main questions are - anyone who has been through this type of thing, why wouldn't she have felt comfortable sharing anything with me? Anyone out there have trauma issues and can expand a bit more on the mindset of it? Was there a case of GIGS here? Is there anything I could have done differently other than listen to her sooner with the details I have given? - Because it is not easy for them to share, so you must exibit empathy for her to open up to you. - Just google and you will find plenty of information - No - Yes, but to late now Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 25, 2021 Share Posted May 25, 2021 So was it her idea to separate? Link to post Share on other sites
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