jjomomo Posted May 23, 2021 Share Posted May 23, 2021 Anyone out there that knows there's spouse has cheated and just pretends everything is normal? It has been nearly 3 years since the day of discovery and I have told absolutely no one. She called me herself (pretending to be the very best friend of her jilted fiancé.) But I could tell it was her. I'm sure her intention was for me to kick him to the curb. My reaction, I never said a word. I became everything he wanted me to be and have kept it up for the past three years. My decision is made and I have no intention of leaving, so not looking for advice. Just wondering if anyone out there is in a similar situation. Mainly I just want to say it out loud to another human being. I don't want my kids to know. I don't want to loose my home. And I want to make sure she is nothing to him but his dirty little secret. I'm not 100% sure that there was actual sex, but there was plenty of opportunity. He works in a remote location and is gone for 3 weeks at a time. This particular summer they had a special project that resulted in him being gone most of the summer. She was a security guard on the project. I did know that something didn't feel right. After the phone call I started checking his phone periodically. Usually he was very good at deleting text, but I figured out who she was by little comments she made on his facebook post. Sure enough he has her # programmed into his phone. Sometimes he did forget to delete. I saw text about how much they loved and missed each other, selfies of the two of them together, and how she knew they would be together in the end. I was able to put together that she did indeed have a fiancé. (Someone she had been messing around with when they were both married to other people). Now he didn't treat her right, was always looking at her phone and didn't trust her. (Imagine that) After that she quit her job and moved to another state, so I know she is no longer physically able to be with my husband, but I have no idea what happens over the phone. Get this, Her fiancé still lives in the original state while she has moved to another state so that she can see her kids more often. One day I did remove her from his facebook and blocked her # on his phone. It took about 6 months before he unblocked her #. Not sure what he thought when he found her blocked, not exactly like he can asked me if I blocked his girlfriend's #, so what did I have to loose. Now I have confirmation that he does at least on occasion keep contact with her. I haven't checked his facebook to see if he has refriended her. He has done away with his MarcoPolo and I can tell from my account that he has not used it in over a year, but that doesn't mean that he hasn't found another way to communicate with her. Anyway, Thank you for letting me get that off my chest. It does eat away at me and is always on my mind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NYAG Posted May 24, 2021 Share Posted May 24, 2021 11 hours ago, jjomomo said: Anyone out there that knows there's spouse has cheated and just pretends everything is normal? It has been nearly 3 years since the day of discovery and I have told absolutely no one. She called me herself (pretending to be the very best friend of her jilted fiancé.) But I could tell it was her. I'm sure her intention was for me to kick him to the curb. My reaction, I never said a word. I became everything he wanted me to be and have kept it up for the past three years. My decision is made and I have no intention of leaving, so not looking for advice. Just wondering if anyone out there is in a similar situation. Mainly I just want to say it out loud to another human being. I don't want my kids to know. I don't want to loose my home. And I want to make sure she is nothing to him but his dirty little secret. I'm not 100% sure that there was actual sex, but there was plenty of opportunity. He works in a remote location and is gone for 3 weeks at a time. This particular summer they had a special project that resulted in him being gone most of the summer. She was a security guard on the project. I did know that something didn't feel right. After the phone call I started checking his phone periodically. Usually he was very good at deleting text, but I figured out who she was by little comments she made on his facebook post. Sure enough he has her # programmed into his phone. Sometimes he did forget to delete. I saw text about how much they loved and missed each other, selfies of the two of them together, and how she knew they would be together in the end. I was able to put together that she did indeed have a fiancé. (Someone she had been messing around with when they were both married to other people). Now he didn't treat her right, was always looking at her phone and didn't trust her. (Imagine that) After that she quit her job and moved to another state, so I know she is no longer physically able to be with my husband, but I have no idea what happens over the phone. Get this, Her fiancé still lives in the original state while she has moved to another state so that she can see her kids more often. One day I did remove her from his facebook and blocked her # on his phone. It took about 6 months before he unblocked her #. Not sure what he thought when he found her blocked, not exactly like he can asked me if I blocked his girlfriend's #, so what did I have to loose. Now I have confirmation that he does at least on occasion keep contact with her. I haven't checked his facebook to see if he has refriended her. He has done away with his MarcoPolo and I can tell from my account that he has not used it in over a year, but that doesn't mean that he hasn't found another way to communicate with her. Anyway, Thank you for letting me get that off my chest. It does eat away at me and is always on my mind. I've done it several times. It never ends well because, well, 'you know' and you can't un-know that information about your partner and you never see them the same way again. I would let it for fester until the point I snapped and left but I could have wasted less time by just leaving from the outset. That said I never had the complications and responsibilities that many people here have. I was never tied to finances, married or had kids with these guys so the break was easier from a practical point of view if not from an emotional one. Honestly, I think I am still recovering and persist in bad relationships. It's become a default I can't seem to shake off. Staying is difficult. You have to make amends with the information you know, and find a way to move past it otherwise it just eats you up. How you do that when it's still ongoing I don't know. I don't envy your position at all. Let it out, at least, don't let it eat you from the inside. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 24, 2021 Share Posted May 24, 2021 My heart breaks for you that you continue to live this lie every day. Why don't you feel like you can leave? Why do you want to live like this? Link to post Share on other sites
Stupidkupid Posted May 24, 2021 Share Posted May 24, 2021 2 hours ago, d0nnivain said: My heart breaks for you that you continue to live this lie every day. Why don't you feel like you can leave? Why do you want to live like this? Same Link to post Share on other sites
Stupidkupid Posted May 24, 2021 Share Posted May 24, 2021 17 hours ago, jjomomo said: One day I did remove her from his facebook and blocked her # on his phone. It took about 6 months before he unblocked her #. Not sure what he thought when he found her blocked, not exactly like he can asked me if I blocked his girlfriend's #, so what did I have to loose. Now I have confirmation that he does at least on occasion keep contact with her. I haven't checked his facebook to see if he has refriended her. He has done away with his MarcoPolo and I can tell from my account that he has not used it in over a year, but that doesn't mean that he hasn't found another way to communicate with her. There is a post on here from a woman who has been monitoring her husbands communication with a woman for over a decade (it might be even longer) and has settled into the fact that he will have sex with any woman he likes but as long as he doesn't give himself over emotionally to another woman she is fine. It has become a disturbing obsession and her whole life revolves around ensuring he does not love this other woman. This will be you. I am sorry you have been through this. The I love yous and I miss yous must be hard for you to see, sex is almost easier to deal with. But I, like the above posters, am sad that you feel like you can't confront, that you must do this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted May 24, 2021 Share Posted May 24, 2021 Accept it completely that he has a mistress and ignore it. Many women are in your shoes or were, and are OK with the arrangement. In some cultures this is perfectly normal. Some marriages thrive...the wife gets what she wants...a stable home, financial support for her and the kids, and a doting father. Him, he gets some meaningless crumpet on the side. When the kids are all grownup, get a lawyer and take him to the cleaners. Link to post Share on other sites
NYAG Posted May 25, 2021 Share Posted May 25, 2021 16 hours ago, smackie9 said: Accept it completely that he has a mistress and ignore it. Many women are in your shoes or were, and are OK with the arrangement. In some cultures this is perfectly normal. Some marriages thrive...the wife gets what she wants...a stable home, financial support for her and the kids, and a doting father. Him, he gets some meaningless crumpet on the side. When the kids are all grownup, get a lawyer and take him to the cleaners. For some people it does work as an arrangement, but not if you're obsessing about the OW. That just makes your life miserable. If you can't set it aside and forget about it (or get your own AP) then it doesn't work. Open relationships like this work based on communication and openness not deceit. This is a terrible way to live a life and manage a relationship of any sort. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted May 25, 2021 Share Posted May 25, 2021 Turning a blind eye to cheating has been around for eternity. Usually because it's cheaper or more convenient than divorce or fixing the marriage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 25, 2021 Share Posted May 25, 2021 I think this can work well if there is no actual romantic "love" left and the marriage is more or less a practical arrangement.. Here you are snooping and surmising and obsessing over what is happening behind your back and that is NOT a mentally healthy place to be. This will take a toll on your life and your children's lives too. Kids know when parents are anxious, stressed and unhappy no matter how much you may think you hide it from them. In fact they may already know, something is seriously wrong... This may very much affect them in the future, despite your best efforts.. Time to take stock, can you really live like this forever? This woman may be out of the picture but guys who cheat just tend to get another one... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted May 29, 2021 Share Posted May 29, 2021 Do you like the person you have to become in order to keep quiet about the truth? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 29, 2021 Share Posted May 29, 2021 (edited) Well, your husband cheated and you decided not to give either one of them the satisfaction of knowing that they have caused you pain. Well done, I suppose. But, at what personal cost? Consider this though, by not having the discussion with your husband you may have kept your family together and your standard of living. But, what you’ve denied the two of you is the opportunity to reconcile, to heal this experience and build an authentic life together based on honesty, trust, and commitment. Edited May 29, 2021 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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