Have I made the right decision ending this friendship as it didn't start as 1?

[steve141082]

Have I made the right decision to end this friendship? So 10 years ago this girl came into my life, I was 27 and she was 18 and started working where I worked. Immediately we hit it off and got really close, the only problem was, I was engaged to be married and she was in a relationship also. We almost kissed but decided not to, and I moved jobs to get away from the situation.
10 years later and a failed marriage on my part and a few failed relationships on her end, we ended up matching on FB dating and hit it off immediately, messaging back and forth constantly, voice notes and phone calls for hours. We met in the 1st week, a few drinks at hers and a movie (I also met her 2 year old daughter after she wouldn’t settle for bed 😳)
After she drunk too much and some heavy petting she fell asleep but we shared a bed together. We spoke the day after and she liked me and visa Versa and we ended up meeting at hers again a week later. Her daughter was there again and we interacted really well, I actually got her daughter off to sleep that night. Me and the girl ended up sleeping together, it was a little awkward at 1st because she was really shy and I was nervous, but it was so wonderful and we cuddled after and felt so close to each other.
Now since that night she’s avoided meeting me again, making excuses etc, I’m now back at work after furlough again so I’ve been working a lot of hours and can only meet her on certain days, but an excuse always comes up on her end.
Last week we had a bit of a fall out and she’s saying she wants to take things slow as it’s only been a year after breaking up with her baby daddy and he was really abusive, both mentally and physically (she has a restraining order on him) after the fall out in the morning and not speaking all day, we both got in touch and said that we both had feeling for each other and really cared about each other, but she explained she’s so scared to fall in love with me, like she can imagine it in her head and it being beautiful and that I’m amazing and exactly her type, but she’s so scared after what he did to her. I accepted her reasonings and said I might be willing to wait until she’s ready.
Then this week she’s been blowing so hot and cold, up until late at night online but not messaging me, we aren’t interacting as much because I’m back at work and it’s almost turned into friendly chat, but she’s also been flirtatious some days.
After she made excuses not to meet me again this weekend I decided to tell her that it’s unfair for me to keep pushing her boundaries, and I also needed to gain some self respect etc and stop feeling so confused about the whole situation and the best way for me to do that would be to stop talking to her. She apologised and said that I’m amazing again and exactly her type but she doesn’t feel ready for anything right now with anyone, and she doesn’t know what’s wrong her and why she isn’t jumping at the opportunity. She wanted to remain friends, but I said no as I had feelings for her more than friends and that it wasn’t fair on either of us, she asked if we should delete numbers and unfriend on fb etc, and I said I would leave the ball in her court. 

Now this is my question, have I made the right decision? Should I have accepted the friendship, and continue as we were in the hope of maybe building something, or have I done the right thing in cutting her off and pursuing another love interest, but also having this girl that I was falling for also in the back of my mind and holding me back. I can’t cope with anymore mixed signals and that’s what I constantly felt I was getting. I’ve recently started to build myself back up, lost loads of weight, joining a gym next week and just generally improving my mental health after a really tough year. I’m also getting my dentistry sorted as I have a missing front tooth and doing everything I can to be the best version of me. Maybe I need to concentrate on myself rather than pursuing something that isn’t there.

[d0nnivain]

When you want romance with someone but they only offer friendship do not accept the friendship.  Of course be nice, polite & gracious but do not engage in an active friendship where you are in touch, chatting & hanging out but there is no physical kissing, hugging or sex.  

When she said she can envision a wonderful romance but is too scared because she's too damaged by her EX believe her.  She is not in the headspace to date.  She's no good to herself or anybody else in this condition.  You can't love her through it.  She has to fix it internally by herself.  Move on while she does that,  

She came back into your life once so she clearly knows how to reach you if she gets her act together but for now you'd be foolish to wait for her.  So yes, you did the right thing. You definitely need to concentrate on yourself rather than pursuing something that is not there. 

[ShyViolet]

You absolutely did the right thing in cutting this off.  No you cannot stay "friends" with a person with whom you've had a failed attempt at dating.  People often say they want to stay "friends" but it is almost never a good idea.  It just keeps the drama and unhealthy feelings going.  Move on and focus on more healthy and productive things.

[Wiseman2]

On 5/24/2021 at 8:34 AM, steve141082 said:

it’s only been a year after breaking up with her baby daddy and he was really abusive, both mentally and physically (she has a restraining order on him)

Unfortunately she has too much going on. Even with restraining orders it can take time before it's over. 

[BeanCounter]

I'm in a pretty similar situation, and you hit the nail on the head that it's unfair to her for you to keep pushing her boundaries, and you certainly will because that is what you desire - a relationship. At the same time it's unfair to you to keep getting your hopes up and having plans broken time and time again, it hurts. 

That doesn't work for either you or her. The friendship thing doesn't work when you know what you want, it'll only hurt you further. Both of you need to work on yourselves, and maybe once she has figured our what she wants it could work out in the future. I'd strongly encourage her to go to therapy if she's been abused. It can be a difficult thing to work through yourself.