Coping with being single. from here on out.

[ItsTheDay]

So, not sure if anybody has read my story about my break up. Recently I've been doing a lot of soul searching. My parents are around about 3 hours away from me, and I have been visiting them as much as I can since my break up (almost 2 months ago) but other than that, I've been isolating myself. doing some deep thinking and reevaluating myself, and where I'm at in life. It's boiling down to I should just be single and accept it. My aunt, my grandmothers sister, was single all her life. I wish she was still around so I can talk to her, but she passed away 10 years ago. The hardest part is accepting it because it actually feels true. I'll be 40 soon, I'm physically fit, I get complements on my body/physique a lot. I'm being told I'm not that old and I still have a lot of life in front of me but my plan was to be engaged soon. I know I'm not ready to date again, and I actually don't want to. I've been on a few dates and I gave them each a warning that I am not emotionally available but they still agreed to meet up for some conversation. I was very surprised that a couple of them have been single over a year and one has been single for over 3 years. I'm sure the pandemic plays a part in that and I know I'm jumping in the dating game too soon, which is my I deactivated my accounts. I'm really convinced that I should just stay single from here on out, just having a hard to accepting that. Has anybody else there felt this way and accepting being single? If so, how?            

[d0nnivain]

You don't get into a relationship to fix what's lacking in your life.  You get a healthy relationship when you approach it from a position of your cup running over & wanting to share your abundance with others. 

I was 39 when I met the man who is now my husband.  Both of us had never been married no kids, but I was open to a guy with kids as long as there was only 1 baby mamma.  

When I was single I still had a full life -- good job, plenty of friends, clubs & activities.  I had enough guy buddies that I could scare up a date for a wedding or some other event if I needed one.  I actually took my cousin a lot because he was fun & there was no pressure.  I was his standard stand-in too.  Having that helped.  

Take some more time.  It's only been 2 months. Sort yourself & then figure out what you want. As the world re-opens there should be new opportunities to get out there. Meanwhile self soothe & have fun.  

Edited May 24, 2021 by d0nnivain

[JustSomeGuyHere]

Hey man - I just read through your other post about the breakup.  I'm sorry you're going through.  I'm 40 and going through a breakup now too and can relate to how you're feeling.  It's hard man.  F'n hard.

I downloaded the dating apps too.  Here's how my first couple days went:

• Found my ex's profile
• Wasn't getting any matches and then finally got a like on an app.  I couldn't see the person unless I paid.  I was desperate for a conversation with any girl so I said screw it and paid to reveal the like.  It was cross dressing transvestite.
• I got a match from a hot girl.  She wrote back it was an accident and deleted me

Argh.  It's gotten better and I've been talking with some girls but it's not the same and I miss my ex.  I'm doing what I can to take care of myself but overall I just feel horrible.  I'm doubting myself even though I know logically it's for the best.  I realized that I don't think I'm ready to date again yet.  I need to take time for myself.  In the past I always tried to replace the hole in my heart with someone new but not this time.

[Alpacalia]

You are in control of how your single-hood unfolds, not the other way around.

You'll get back out there when you're ready.

Oh, and it's totally normal when/if you do to be perplexed on how to even date in this weird a*s romanticized world.

Cheers 😊 

 

[mark clemson]

3 hours ago, ItsTheDay said:

I'm really convinced that I should just stay single from here on out, just having a hard to accepting that. Has anybody else there felt this way and accepting being single? If so, how?            

I'm not in your situation, but certainly there are plenty of people in the world who seem perfectly happy single. However, if you're having a hard time accepting it, then perhaps you should be questioning why you are "convinced" of it.

Bad experiences? But what is your sample size like? Something about you? Perhaps you can change (with some effort or e.g. therapy)? Better off that way? Why exactly?

Consider using the planned "downtime" to re-assess, rather than reaching a conclusion BEFORE actually DOING the reassessment.

I think those who are perfectly happy to remain single tend to know it, and it has to do with their "core sense of self" (for lack of a better term). Others, such as myself, are not as happy alone, tend to get lonely, etc. I THINK if you were truly cut out to be single, you'd probably know it (although that's just my guess).

There are also those who stay single, but date a lot and so are happy that way. So a possible approach to consider if you think it makes sense for you.

Edited May 24, 2021 by mark clemson

[ItsTheDay]

I'm having a hard time accepting because everything I wanted was with my ex. I had plans, hopes and dreams but all that came to an end and I'm also trying to accept that. I know it's pretty fresh, but I honestly wanted to continue my future with her and can't imagine anyone else. Her and I did have a plan, and we were sticking to it. It was my finances and I pretty much have nothing. Not her fault at all, that's all on me. Throughout our relationship, I wasn't building a savings. I do have a 401 and an annuity, pretty good amount of money but that's for the future. My credit score is perfect, I was just in a lot of debt when her and I met. She actually enjoyed helping me out budgeting my money, not sure if it was a control thing or not but it got me in the right path and I appreciate her for that. I actually reminder her a lot throughout our relationship how grateful I was. She would always tell me it's for a better future for us. Longer story short, I was about 20k in debt and right when she broke up with me, I only owed $500 on one credit card. She makes almost twice as much as me, and I make decent money but not not in the 6 figures. All throughout out relationship, she told me she didn't care because I made her happy. Her mother on the other hand wanted her to be with a guy that could support her financially, but she always told her mother that didn't matter to her. Well, that was one of her reasons for the break up, she didn't see us having a strong future financially. I'm not a college grad, I've been working since I was 15. My parents didn't hand me anything, I had to work for what I wanted. I was 16 and bought my own car while my friends were getting their first and second cars handed to them. I guess I was just venting there. Bottom line, I have nothing to offer another women. Emotionally or financially.    

[Alpacalia]

I'm not sure if it's because of the pandemic, but two family members and a best friend recently ended their marriages after years of marriage and must start all over again.

But, we all have to start somewhere, right?

Perhaps experiment with things that interest you. Or, make the choice to spend time with someone who enjoys spending time with you be it a friend or family member.

These are the kinds of things you really cannot give up on, even when you're in a relationship.

You know?

[ItsTheDay]

3 hours ago, Alpaca said:

I'm not sure if it's because of the pandemic, but two family members and a best friend recently ended their marriages after years of marriage and must start all over again.

But, we all have to start somewhere, right?

Perhaps experiment with things that interest you. Or, make the choice to spend time with someone who enjoys spending time with you be it a friend or family member.

These are the kinds of things you really cannot give up on, even when you're in a relationship.

You know?

Yes, and I agree. We never stopped spending time with family. We would always plan trips and vacations with my family, not so much her family because they weren't into that but we would plan a trip to stay with her parents at least once a year. My family is kind of big, and she was part of it. She would even spend time with my family without me. Her, my sister, my niece and mother were really close. Her parents and family are pretty much home bodies, and we all would get together just for dinners and birthday parties pretty much. 

But yes, I agree on spending time with people who want to spend time with you. Currently I've been traveling a lot to see my parents on the weekends.  

Edited May 25, 2021 by ItsTheDay

[d0nnivain]

10 hours ago, ItsTheDay said:

. Bottom line, I have nothing to offer another women. Emotionally or financially.    

You are catastrophizing, meaning that the hurt is so raw all you can see is pain.  

A hardworking guy who clawed his way out of debt & makes good money even if it's not 6 figures is a plenty good catch.  You know the value of things & aren't afraid of hard work.  Many women would rather have that then a guy who earns a lot but spends more than he earns.   

When I was single & making good money, I still sent it out to the universe that I wanted a guy with a good work ethic.  When I met my husband he was making squat & had a paper route to make ends meet.  He was also going to school on line.  He was working his tail off.  Many of my friends were dismissive of our relationship, asking me why I wasn't dating somebody making more money, at least something closer to what I was earning.  My industrious husband never gave up.  He graduated from college with honors & now does earn 6 figures.  I would have been foolish to give up on him early because he wasn't rich at the time.  

Right now in the immediate aftermath of the break up, you are right, you have nothing to give a woman emotionally because your tank is empty.  You need to take some time & recharge.  In time you will be back to your old self.  Take the summer off from dating.   Plan some fun things for yourself Hang out with friends. Take up a hobby.  Heck, set a PT job to sock a way a bit of cash & fill your time.  When you are stronger, your future will look brighter.  It's all just too raw right this moment. 

Hang in there.  Keep visiting your family & travel.  Find more time to spend with friends.  You will get back on track 

[ItsTheDay]

5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You are catastrophizing, meaning that the hurt is so raw all you can see is pain.  

A hardworking guy who clawed his way out of debt & makes good money even if it's not 6 figures is a plenty good catch.  You know the value of things & aren't afraid of hard work.  Many women would rather have that then a guy who earns a lot but spends more than he earns.   

When I was single & making good money, I still sent it out to the universe that I wanted a guy with a good work ethic.  When I met my husband he was making squat & had a paper route to make ends meet.  He was also going to school on line.  He was working his tail off.  Many of my friends were dismissive of our relationship, asking me why I wasn't dating somebody making more money, at least something closer to what I was earning.  My industrious husband never gave up.  He graduated from college with honors & now does earn 6 figures.  I would have been foolish to give up on him early because he wasn't rich at the time.  

Right now in the immediate aftermath of the break up, you are right, you have nothing to give a woman emotionally because your tank is empty.  You need to take some time & recharge.  In time you will be back to your old self.  Take the summer off from dating.   Plan some fun things for yourself Hang out with friends. Take up a hobby.  Heck, set a PT job to sock a way a bit of cash & fill your time.  When you are stronger, your future will look brighter.  It's all just too raw right this moment. 

Hang in there.  Keep visiting your family & travel.  Find more time to spend with friends.  You will get back on track 

Thank you for that. I am working on spending more time with my friends, but they all have families and some even have newborns. They're not down the street from me anymore, like how it was back in high school. I'm also pretty content during the weeks with work, gym and meal prepping. So it's just hard arranging time to see them, but I do talk to one daily over the phone. I have been thinking about a part time job, but I would hate to give up the gym for that and right now financially, I'm doing ok. 

[d0nnivain]

Do something to increase your friend circle.  Can you grab a beer with the guy from the gym who spots you?  Who is your neighbor now?  Is there somebody at work who is fun to hang out with?  Eat lunch with that guy & figure out if he is worth spending more time with.  Join something -- volunteer somewhere like the Elks, the Moose etc.  They are not just old men's drinking clubs.  They do a lot of good in the community & you can make friends.  

[ItsTheDay]

4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Do something to increase your friend circle.  Can you grab a beer with the guy from the gym who spots you?  Who is your neighbor now?  Is there somebody at work who is fun to hang out with?  Eat lunch with that guy & figure out if he is worth spending more time with.  Join something -- volunteer somewhere like the Elks, the Moose etc.  They are not just old men's drinking clubs.  They do a lot of good in the community & you can make friends.  

I have a good friend here at work, but he lives an hour away and he also has a family. We hang out every now then outside of work. He's actually planning a cook out soon and I'm going to that. As far as volunteering, I was actually looking into that on the weekends at a dog shelter, but recently my ex and I agreed I can have the dogs (one at a time) on the weekends when it works. Like I said, I'm pretty content during the week. I get up at 5am for work, and I don't get home from the gym until 6pm sometimes 7pm. That only leaves me with a couple of free hours.  

[d0nnivain]

You will make time for things that are important to you.  This shared custody of the dogs thing keeps you tied to your EX. Not a good plan. I wouldn't want to give up my dog but if seeing her is holding you back, you may have to make some hard choices.  

[ItsTheDay]

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

You will make time for things that are important to you.  This shared custody of the dogs thing keeps you tied to your EX. Not a good plan. I wouldn't want to give up my dog but if seeing her is holding you back, you may have to make some hard choices.  

I understand that, but I don't believe it's holding me back. When I go to pick him up I'm happy that I'm getting him, not happy to see her and not doing it to see her. Originally I suggested to leave him in the back yard and I'll just get it there, and she said that was fine but the first time I went to get him, she opened the front door and just said to come inside because they both know I'm there and were going crazy. Then the following week I was just standing outside and she told me just to come in again. Overall, it's a quick pickup. I would say 2 to 3 mins max. I'm not there talking to her or having conversation with her. It's literally "hey, "hey". "ok bye".  

[Allupinnit]

5 hours ago, ItsTheDay said:

I understand that, but I don't believe it's holding me back. When I go to pick him up I'm happy that I'm getting him, not happy to see her and not doing it to see her. Originally I suggested to leave him in the back yard and I'll just get it there, and she said that was fine but the first time I went to get him, she opened the front door and just said to come inside because they both know I'm there and were going crazy. Then the following week I was just standing outside and she told me just to come in again. Overall, it's a quick pickup. I would say 2 to 3 mins max. I'm not there talking to her or having conversation with her. It's literally "hey, "hey". "ok bye".  

I hate to say this because I adore dogs and have two of my own - but shared custody is not sustainable with pets.  How long is this going to go on for?  Years?  Are you going to be picking up the dog when she's living with a new guy, when she has a baby, they're all out grilling in the back yard?  No, because that's ridiculous.  You have to move on.  Seeing her is only prolonging your agony.  I'm sure the dogs are a comfort to you right now especially because you're hurting, but you have to start making those baby steps of moving forward.  The roommate situation will hopefully be temporary and you can start thinking about getting your own dog to love on again.  

[ItsTheDay]

19 hours ago, JustSomeGuyHere said:

Hey man - I just read through your other post about the breakup.  I'm sorry you're going through.  I'm 40 and going through a breakup now too and can relate to how you're feeling.  It's hard man.  F'n hard.

I downloaded the dating apps too.  Here's how my first couple days went:

• Found my ex's profile
• Wasn't getting any matches and then finally got a like on an app.  I couldn't see the person unless I paid.  I was desperate for a conversation with any girl so I said screw it and paid to reveal the like.  It was cross dressing transvestite.
• I got a match from a hot girl.  She wrote back it was an accident and deleted me

Argh.  It's gotten better and I've been talking with some girls but it's not the same and I miss my ex.  I'm doing what I can to take care of myself but overall I just feel horrible.  I'm doubting myself even though I know logically it's for the best.  I realized that I don't think I'm ready to date again yet.  I need to take time for myself.  In the past I always tried to replace the hole in my heart with someone new but not this time.

Same thing I did before I met my ex. I jumped from one girl to the other. 10 years ago it was easy to do so. I guess because I'm older now and a a bit more wiser now I don't want that life style again. 

[ItsTheDay]

4 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

I hate to say this because I adore dogs and have two of my own - but shared custody is not sustainable with pets.  How long is this going to go on for?  Years?  Are you going to be picking up the dog when she's living with a new guy, when she has a baby, they're all out grilling in the back yard?  No, because that's ridiculous.  You have to move on.  Seeing her is only prolonging your agony.  I'm sure the dogs are a comfort to you right now especially because you're hurting, but you have to start making those baby steps of moving forward.  The roommate situation will hopefully be temporary and you can start thinking about getting your own dog to love on again.  

I get what you're saying. I don't have an answer for how long this will last for, but I'm sure she will tell me when/if it has to stop but for now I'm going to continue spending time with him. She doesn't want kids, neither of us do.  

[Alpacalia]

10 hours ago, ItsTheDay said:

Currently I've been traveling a lot to see my parents on the weekends.  

That's good.

d0nnivain seems to have had some great suggestions too.

 

[d0nnivain]

On 5/25/2021 at 7:23 AM, ItsTheDay said:

 I get up at 5am for work, and I don't get home from the gym until 6pm sometimes 7pm. That only leaves me with a couple of free hours.  

If you have no time to enlarge your social circle, it may be time to re-organize.   If I remember your break up thread, everything snowballed after she got locked out while you were at the gym.  Is there any possibility that your gym obsession is taking over your life & isolating you? 

[ItsTheDay]

15 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

If you have no time to enlarge your social circle, it may be time to re-organize.   If I remember your break up thread, everything snowballed after she got locked out while you were at the gym.  Is there any possibility that your gym obsession is taking over your life & isolating you? 

No, I don't believe so.

That's correct, that is what started the break up. She locked herself out of the house when she was leaving for her crossfit class. I had no problem leaving the gym to let her in, but I Was questioning myself if she would of done the same for me. I did ask her that and her answer was it would depend if she was in the middle of a workout or not. She then later said that kind of question shouldn't of been on my mind. I reminded her what her answer was, and it wasn't a flat out "yes of course I would". I even told her this, before crossfit that question would of never came to my mind. That's when we started not really talking to each other for the next two days, so maybe she dug a little deeper in herself and found that I had a solid reason for questioning it. 

So last night, I actually met up with another women from a dating app. She's fit and works out, I explained to her my situation and she still agreed to met up and chat. So later on we ask each other what kind of workouts we do, turns out she's been doing crossfit for 10 years. She didn't hold back at all, she told me all the dirty about crossfit and she also agreed it is very cultish. She said crossfit has a funny way of changing a women's self esteem and she has seen plenty of relationships and marriages end because of crossfit, and it's usually when one joins and the other doesn't. Her herself went through a break up when she first joined crossfit. She tried to get her boyfriend to join but he wasn't interested. She said she loved him but she was getting the support she needed and that "I can't do no wrong here" at her box (they really call it a box, not a gym). She claims herself as a veteran and she has no issues admitting it's a cult, but said she's being doing it for so long and is advanced that she's out of that phase and is doing it to compete. She's that very rare single person at her box that doesn't do the group workouts. I remember my ex use to talk about that one girl at her box that was like that, so that makes sense. From what she told me, there's really only one or sometimes two people at a box that aren't in the "social" part of crossfit and who actually do it by themselves and for themselves. She said the rest are they mainly because of insecurities and low self esteem. I told her this break up had me read a lot about it and crossfit is similar to recreational sports. She said exactly, more like recreational softball where anybody can join and coach. You don't need to know anything about the human body, as long as you know the workouts, and have the favoritism, you can be a coach. I told her funny, she played softball throughout high school, college and joined a recreational team after college and played until we started dating. She said, "let me guess she's a very social person, right?" I just laughed, she then said "I'm sure she already met someone else", I laughed again and said yep, 2 weeks after our break up. She said sarcastically, "wow I'm shocked". I even told her the day she broke up with me, she still went to her class. She said of course she did, that's her family, support system and she can do no wrong there. 

We talked about it a lot more, and it was refreshing to hear everything she had to say and her experiences with crossfit. She also said to accept that crossfit was the problem and that every relationship is not perfect and takes work, but the corssfit community embeds in your head that you are perfect and all outsiders aren't and in this case, I was the outsider.     

                  

 

[d0nnivain]

I know nothing about cross fit but that sounds a little sick.  

If you are happy with your schedule & working out great.  I only asked so that you would step back, think it through & answer the Q.  Since the answer is that it's not a problem, it's all good.  Carry on.  

Glad you put yourself out there & found somebody to have a conversation with about a shared interest.