Am I a cheating scumbag that does not deserve my wife, or have I just experienced 'normal' amounts of close calls that are common when in a long-term relationship?

[connor_1991]

To clarify, I have never kissed or had sexual relations with another person but whilst drunk I have done some of the following across our 13 year relationship - started when I was 17, and she was 16:

· Let a female friend suck my finger playfully - which naturally turned me on and made me say an inappropriate comment about wanting to f*** her due to my arousal. I then walked away to find my fiancée who was stood at the bar. I felt awful for that moment. I once also touched this same friend on the leg for a brief moment whilst I sat next to her on a train on a night out, before again realising what I was doing and stopped.

· I did lots of grind dancing with a female friend my stag party, and whilst almost blackout drunk, I then said I wanted to f*** her (whilst I leaned on her shoulder as I could barely stand) before realising what I said and moved away. I also remember moving away due to starting to get a boner too

· On that same stag I grabbed my female friends bum as I hugged her goodbye

· I smacked or pinched a few bums of female friends whilst dancing or hanging out. I do this to my male friends too

· I once, whilst stood in a packed queue, got aroused as I was pressed up against my female friend. I proceeded to let my erection press against her for a moment (she knew and purposely pushed back on it too) which obvs felt good despite us wearing lots of thick layers in winter. I then regained control of my urges and moved moved sideways to avoid my pressing against her again

· I used to spend a lot of my week working late. Despite 95% of time being honest, Across a period o of many years I would on occasion lie about being at work to my partner, whilst I was actually going out drinking with friends. Across 5 years, I would guess it was 30 times in total - ranging from white lies, to going out and spending the whole evening drinking as a way to unwind and relax with friends

· I have been sexually excited when out alone with a female friend before even though I wouldn't go beyond dancing or flirting with them at worst. Its just due to finding them attractive when talking to them. Is this normal?

· I have danced with a random girl before telling her "that I would get with her but I was in a relationship so did not want to". She then just asked to hold me for a short period whilst we were on the dancefloor (which I thought was okay as it was a step back from the kiss she originally was after when she pulled me close). To be clear I just wanted to dance (maybe grind dance), nothing more.

· I flirted with female and male colleagues (I am heterosexual) and female friends and with random females whilst out (talking only and nothing graphic or insulating that I wanted to take things further)

Although I know all of the above was not pre-meditated with the intention for them to happen on those occasions, they kind of just started happening before I realised what I was doing and stopped. But before doing that, did I cross any fatal lines that would now be grounds for separation (all incidents happened whilst we were engaged)? For all the above incidents, I have spoke about most of it with my partner (now my wife) - I truly do love her but I wondered if people thought my behaviour meant I was a cheater? I have told most of this to my partner, and whilst it upset her, she seems to think I haven't cheated, but acknowledges I have come close. Its been 6 months since we spoke about it but I still feel depressed as I am suffering from huge guilt. I used to look at these incidents a bit more positively by telling myself I did well not take things further and felt confident in my ability to not take things further, or that I hadn't crossed a line, but since becoming a dad, getting married and trying to cut down my drinking, I have been left with a horrible feeling towards my past actions that I don't think I can forgive myself for, and it makes me think I don't deserve the great family and life I have. The lying part felt like I was protecting her feelings as I just wanted to find time to unwind with friends as I never really to got to experience the drinking/social lifestyle while I was a teen/young man as I was with her, but I now see that behaviour as horribly deceitful, as she would be sat at home alone waiting for me to come back, and none-the-wiser.

My wife and my friends (including some of the females part of the incidents above) do not seem think I am a cheater, but I thought I would ask on here for an unbias perspective, as I have now developed OCD in trying to attribute meaning to my behaviour and just can't get on with my life (it is all I think about). Despite thinking my behaviour was just silly things that were part of a normal young relationship, in my heart now I feel like I have cheated - this is despite all my best efforts to turn away from opportunities I have had to cheat and take things further.

[d0nnivain]

You were inappropriate.  All of that shows little regard or respect for your wife  but none of it is cheating.  

Especially if all of that happened while you were engaged, presumably young & dumb (weren't we all at some point), if you have otherwise be a faithful upstanding husband, chalk it up to alcohol & count those as your wild oats.   

Of everything you described I'm most appalled by you lying to her when you were out drinking.  A young guy getting aroused is nature.  Since you didn't act on it, you need to forgive yourself & get your OCD under control. 

If you remain obsessed about this she will start to think it's a trickle truth situation & she's only being told about the tip of the iceberg.  

If everything else you described happened after you were married, I would be more harsh with you, but still not think it's cheating.  

[connor_1991]

46 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You were inappropriate.  All of that shows little regard or respect for your wife  but none of it is cheating.  

Especially if all of that happened while you were engaged, presumably young & dumb (weren't we all at some point), if you have otherwise be a faithful upstanding husband, chalk it up to alcohol & count those as your wild oats.   

Of everything you described I'm most appalled by you lying to her when you were out drinking.  A young guy getting aroused is nature.  Since you didn't act on it, you need to forgive yourself & get your OCD under control. 

If you remain obsessed about this she will start to think it's a trickle truth situation & she's only being told about the tip of the iceberg.  

If everything else you described happened after you were married, I would be more harsh with you, but still not think it's cheating.  

Thanks for your reply - most of this happened whilst I was engaged but not married. Whilst married I have tried to dance with random girls, but nothing more. All the above incidents took place between the ages of 23-28

I know the lying is awful - I thought I was okay as I was not up to anything sinister (like meeting another woman) and put it down to my addiction of drinking and going to the pub/bar like a lot of people with partners would do. I seemed to be chasing the younger years that I missed out on by not going out whilst I was at college/university.

[FMW]

Forgive yourself for the past inappropriate behavior but be vigilant about avoiding temptation in the future.  You didn't "cheat" but you were risking that possibility.

Definitely do not lie to your wife about going out.  As long as it's  only on occasion, she will probably understand you wanting to have a few drinks with friends.

Being depressed about it now might mean you are afraid you can't control yourself.  If that's  the case, seek help from a counselor.

My guess is that the inappropriate interactions with women happened in part because you feel like you missed out on other women because you have been with the same one since you were teenagers.  Same with just wanting to hang out with friends. 

Edited May 25, 2021 by FMW
I see you came to the same conclusion, I didn't see your last post before submitting mine.

[d0nnivain]

2 minutes ago, connor_1991 said:

 All the above incidents took place between the ages of 23-28

If my math is correct you are 30 now & have been with your wife for almost 1/2 your life.  You don't know any other relationship besides her. I agree with @FMW that your actions stem from only dating your wife & having a sense of FOMO.  

I take it you are also only recently married if as you claim the behavior stopped when you were 28 & did not continue after you were married.  It would have been better had you addressed this in pre-martial counseling but it really is just water under the bridge at this point & not something to divorce over.  Now if you cross these lines again while married, that is a different story.  

What outcome do you want here?  

[connor_1991]

2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

If my math is correct you are 30 now & have been with your wife for almost 1/2 your life.  You don't know any other relationship besides her. I agree with @FMW that your actions stem from only dating your wife & having a sense of FOMO.  

I take it you are also only recently married if as you claim the behavior stopped when you were 28 & did not continue after you were married.  It would have been better had you addressed this in pre-martial counseling but it really is just water under the bridge at this point & not something to divorce over.  Now if you cross these lines again while married, that is a different story.  

What outcome do you want here?  

Yes that is correct - I have only ever been intimate with one person in my life. We got married 1.5 years ago and my behaviour did change somewhat (I moved job to get away from that culture), but I still did behave silly when drunk (i.e. trying to dance with random women in clubs thinking that it was harmless). However, Covid happening and becoming a dad recently has stopped all the going out and gave me time to reflect on my behaviour - this is both the most painful thing and yet brilliant thing that could of happened, as without these things I fear I would have carried on behaving this way. The worst of the incidents happened between the ages of 27-29 (when my stress at work and drinking was at its worst, and my bachelor/stag party took place).

My biggest fear would be to cross these lines, and so I am putting in steps to avoid that (not drinking, reducing seeing friends, and not heading in to my work office in London as much going forwards).

The outcome I want it to be with my wife and son for the rest of my life - they are so important to me, and everything else in my place matters very little. I love them both very much despite the above moments making me look like I am some kind of womanizer. I can tell you with all the temptation over the years, it has not been easy to resist cheating and I really did try my best to respect my relationship with my partner and never cross a fatal line of no return.

Honestly the pain and guilt I feel inside is unbearable, but I know I deserve it for my behaviour, I am currently working on my OCD and anxiety that stems from this (via cognitive behaviour therapy) in order to heal and stop myself dragging my wife and son into this hole I find myself in.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, connor_1991 said:

trying to cut down my drinking

Getting sober would help you feel a lot better. 

See if this fits the bill:

https://www.aa.org/pages/en_us/is-aa-for-you-twelve-questions-only-you-can-answer

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, connor_1991 said:

I wondered if people thought my behaviour meant I was a cheater? I

I wouldn’t say that you are a cheater. But, it would be wise to change your behavior lest you find yourself charged with sexual harassment/assault. 

Edited May 25, 2021 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

9 hours ago, connor_1991 said:

I have told most of this to my partner, and whilst it upset her, she seems to think I haven't cheated, but acknowledges I have come close.

Lots of good advice above. WRT these borderline situations, what the partner thinks is probably most important. There are all sorts of permutations that are "forgivable". For example, apparently many women value the emotional component more, so some will even forgive a ONS, but will take feelings of "genuine love" as a betrayal even if there was zero touching involved. Not ALL women, be warned, but SOME would see it this way.

9 hours ago, connor_1991 said:

I am suffering from huge guilt. ... I don't think I can forgive myself for, and it makes me think I don't deserve the great family and life I have.

That's too bad. The world is not fair AND many people have things they don't "deserve" while others are born into grinding poverty from which they never escape. Not sure if that's helpful to you, but certainly there are much worse situations in the world. At any rate, your child does NOT "deserve" a Dad who's preoccupied and down on himself over past events which apparently do not even matter that much to his wife, so there is that to consider.

9 hours ago, connor_1991 said:

but I thought I would ask on here for an unbias[ed] perspective

What makes you think you will receive that here, or anywhere else? Infidelity is a highly charged topic. There are, however, a lot of people with "experience" (much of it negative) as well as many well-thought-out and internally coherent views.

9 hours ago, connor_1991 said:

I have now developed OCD in trying to attribute meaning to my behaviour and just can't get on with my life (it is all I think about).

Strongly suggest you seek treatment for this. Possibly you simply have developed OCD and obsessing over these incidences is the form it has taken. People have died from OCD, it can intensify and is not something to be taken lightly.

Edited May 26, 2021 by mark clemson

[connor_1991]

1 hour ago, FMW said:

Forgive yourself for the past inappropriate behavior but be vigilant about avoiding temptation in the future.  You didn't "cheat" but you were risking that possibility.

Definitely do not lie to your wife about going out.  As long as it's  only on occasion, she will probably understand you wanting to have a few drinks with friends.

Being depressed about it now might mean you are afraid you can't control yourself.  If that's  the case, seek help from a counselor.

My guess is that the inappropriate interactions with women happened in part because you feel like you missed out on other women because you have been with the same one since you were teenagers.  Same with just wanting to hang out with friends. 

Thanks for your reply. I reckon my lies were frequent - maybe once or twice a month for 3 years I went out whilst she thought I was working (hard to quantify it though). My OCD is linked to my guilt over thinking that I am unworthy of her and that if she could see the incidents she would be less forgiving of them. I also harbour some guilt as it feels like if I had mentioned these at the time, she would of been more mad and with each passing incident, probably would have been less forgiving. I do feel I can control myself in future. 

I think your final point is correct. I almost wanted to know I was appealing to women and experience the flirty buzzy you get from flirting with women but without losing my partner who I love

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Strongly suggest you seek treatment for this. 

Agree, however heavy problem drinking needs to be addressed first otherwise any medical or therapy treatment is useless.

People die from alcoholism, car wrecks related to alcohol, etc. much more than  real OCD, no less self diagnosed and casual use of the term "OCD".

[ExpatInItaly]

Sincere question - why did you marry your wife?

[connor_1991]

8 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Lots of good advice above. WRT these borderline situations, what the partner thinks is probably most important. There are all sorts of permutations that are "forgivable". For example, apparently many women value the emotional component more, so some will even forgive a ONS, but will take feelings of "genuine love" as a betrayal even if there was zero touching involved. Not ALL women, be warned, but SOME would see it this way.

That's too bad. The world is not fair AND many people have things they don't "deserve" while others are born into grinding poverty from which they never escape. Not sure if that's helpful to you, but certainly there are much worse situations in the world. At any rate, your child does NOT "deserve" a Dad who's preoccupied and down on himself over past events which apparently do not even matter that much to his wife, so there is that to consider.

What makes you think you will receive that here, or anywhere else? Infidelity is a highly charged topic. There are, however, a lot of people with "experience" (much of it negative) as well as many well-thought-out and internally coherent views.

Strongly suggest you seek treatment for this. Possibly you simply have developed OCD and obsessing over these incidences is the form it has taken. People have died from OCD, it can intensify and is not something to be taken lightly.

My wife, although upset when I revealed everything to her, said I was inappropriate but had not cheated. But I still feel in my heart, and as per the standards I hold myself to, that I have betrayed her and can't let go of that idea. It's making me feel as if she deserves better and I should let her go despite how much that would break my heart. I can confirm I have never loved anyone else, but obviously have found others attractive and perhaps had a small crush (that I have not followed-through on on tried to grow into something more).  To be clear, I am seeking treatment via CBT since October last year for my OCD - it is a slow process but I hope it helps. 

[connor_1991]

12 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I wouldn’t say that you are a cheater. But, it would be wise to change your behavior lest you find yourself charged with sexual harassment/assault. 

This was also a concern of mine - again I began to obsess for weeks on end whether not only was I a cheating scumbag, but was I also some kind of sexual predator or slazebag. I have been lucky in that for almost all these incidents, I have been able to reach out to the women involved (and my friends who were also there at the time) and check if my behaviour was of an assaulting/harassing nature or without consent, and to my relief all have said It was normal and nothing of concern (i.e. I did not make anyone feel uncomfortable with my actions)

[connor_1991]

13 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Getting sober would help you feel a lot better. 

See if this fits the bill:

https://www.aa.org/pages/en_us/is-aa-for-you-twelve-questions-only-you-can-answer

Thanks - despite the sound of my article, I am actually not or have never been addicted to alcohol really. I just loved to drink but could easily go weeks without having any. It was when I went out for an evening I seemed to just binge heavily (something that is very common in London among the younger crowd)

[connor_1991]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree, however heavy problem drinking needs to be addressed first otherwise any medical or therapy treatment is useless.

People die from alcoholism, car wrecks related to alcohol, etc. much more than  real OCD, no less self diagnosed and casual use of the term "OCD".

Although I actually classed the amount I drink to be pretty normal for someone of my age and working in London, I have now scaled it back a lot. I am not addicted to it so found it quite easy to change that part, and I just used alcohol previously as a means of fun. I can confirm my OCD is not self-diagnosed - after 6 months of support, my therapist and I managed to pinpoint that I have OCD (linked to intrusive thoughts I suffer from)

[connor_1991]

23 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Sincere question - why did you marry your wife?

I married her as I thought I loved her, despite my actions described above showing otherwise. I really did love spending the weekends with her and holidays away with her, but I also did not want to miss out on the social life that other people around me got to experience (lads trip away, work social events, festivals, parties etc..). I know that is incredibly selfish of me, but I just got addicted to going out with friends and having a laugh (she was there for these evenings maybe 50% of the time).

I married her because she one of the strongest, most caring people I have ever met. She never judges anyone and has the kindest heart that thinks of others before herself. Looking back I know I did not treat her right by my actions, but I certainly did not want to lose her despite us often not seeing each other, and at times, living quite different lives (I was heavily career and friend focused whereas she was working set hours and was less keen on socialising with others beyond me).

Now that Covid has hit and I have spent so much time working from home and not seeing others, I see how I missed out on appreciating my wife and how amazing she is as I was preoccupied with my career and my maintaining friendships instead. I think this is why I feel a lot of pain - because I see what I missed out on for many years whilst I did not dedicate enough time to her. I can honestly say I have never loved anybody else but her and the beautiful son she has given us. 

I do think that there was a period of time where I loved her less and this coincided with behaviour above - I think I was just less caring of the relationship for a while as we were stuck in sad rutt due to unfortunate family events (loss of her father to cancer, her brother almost dying from an accident, my sister going to prison, and her mother contracting cancer) and rarely did anything fun or different to the previous day - it makes me feel so sad to say it now given my feelings towards her, but for a period of time I would think that we should split up (even if I could not of initiated that myself given all the troubles going on in her life). I also think I deemed this sort of behaviour and spending time apart to be acceptable as my parents often spent time apart doing their own thing (they have been faithful to each other) and said it helped make their marriage stronger. 

[BaileyB]

35 minutes ago, connor_1991 said:

This was also a concern of mine - again I began to obsess for weeks on end whether not only was I a cheating scumbag, but was I also some kind of sexual predator or slazebag. I have been lucky in that for almost all these incidents, I have been able to reach out to the women involved (and my friends who were also there at the time) and check if my behaviour was of an assaulting/harassing nature or without consent, and to my relief all have said It was normal and nothing of concern (i.e. I did not make anyone feel uncomfortable with my actions)

The next woman you press your erection against in the elevator or slap her ass may not feel the same. You are treading on thin ice here, be careful.

[basil67]

26 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

The next woman you press your erection against in the elevator or slap her ass may not feel the same. You are treading on thin ice here, be careful.

Indeed.  To this day, I regret not loudly making a fuss the last time a man rubbed himself on my rear end.  

[d0nnivain]

4 hours ago, connor_1991 said:

My OCD is linked to my guilt over thinking that I am unworthy of her and that if she could see the incidents she would be less forgiving of them.

 

1 hour ago, connor_1991 said:

My wife, although upset when I revealed everything to her, said I was inappropriate but had not cheated. But I still feel in my heart, and as per the standards I hold myself to, that I have betrayed her and can't let go of that idea. 

 

You really should seek professional help.  Your mind is playing tricks on you & your self esteem is shot.  You are worthy of your wife, at least she thinks so.  Her opinion is valid.  She told you that while your behavior was inappropriate (it was) it wasn't cheating.  She has put it behind you.  She likes the man who stays home & attends to his family.  Covid may have been a blessing for you because it showed you what an amazing woman you have & it also showed you how to be a better husband & father.  Take those lessons to heart & live them.  

You can't change the past so stop dwelling on it.  

[connor_1991]

15 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Indeed.  To this day, I regret not loudly making a fuss the last time a man rubbed himself on my rear end.  

Men (including myself) can be disgusting creatures - I look back and cringe at my behaviour. The #metoo movement has been a real trigger for me (as it has been for many men) lately:

https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/metoo-latest-ocd-trigger

[mark clemson]

4 hours ago, connor_1991 said:

It's making me feel as if she deserves better and I should let her go despite how much that would break my heart.

Given that you've disclosed all this, seems like it would make more sense to let HER decide whether she wants you to stick around.

[connor_1991]

On 5/25/2021 at 6:25 PM, connor_1991 said:

To clarify, I have never kissed or had sexual relations with another person but whilst drunk I have done some of the following across our 13 year relationship - started when I was 17, and she was 16:

· Let a female friend suck my finger playfully - which naturally turned me on and made me say an inappropriate comment about wanting to f*** her due to my arousal. I then walked away to find my fiancée who was stood at the bar. I felt awful for that moment. I once also touched this same friend on the leg for a brief moment whilst I sat next to her on a train on a night out, before again realising what I was doing and stopped.

· I did lots of grind dancing with a female friend my stag party, and whilst almost blackout drunk, I then said I wanted to f*** her (whilst I leaned on her shoulder as I could barely stand) before realising what I said and moved away. I also remember moving away from her at this point due to starting to get a boner too

· On that same stag I grabbed my female friends bum as I hugged her goodbye

· I smacked or pinched a few bums of female friends whilst dancing or hanging out. I do this to my male friends too

· I once, whilst stood in a packed queue, got aroused as I was pressed up against my female friend. I proceeded to let my erection press against her for a moment (she knew and purposely pushed back on it too) which obvs felt good despite us wearing lots of thick layers in winter. I then regained control of my urges and  moved sideways to avoid myself pressing against her again

· I used to spend a lot of my week working late. Despite 95% of time being honest, Across a period o of many years I would on occasion lie about being at work to my partner, whilst I was actually going out drinking with friends. Across 5 years, I would guess it was 30 times in total - ranging from white lies, to going out and spending the whole evening drinking as a way to unwind and relax with friends

· I have been sexually excited when out alone with a female friend before even though I wouldn't go beyond dancing or flirting with them at worst. Its just due to finding them attractive when talking to them. Is this normal?

· I have danced with a random girl before telling her "that I would get with her but I was in a relationship so did not want to". She then just asked to hold me for a short period whilst we were on the dancefloor (which I thought was okay as it was a step back from the kiss she originally was after when she pulled me close). To be clear I just wanted to dance (maybe grind dance), nothing more. EDIT - Then when we were stood outside the bar waiting to go home, I for some reason thought it would be a good idea to invite the girl and her friend back to our place so that my friends could get with them - whilst we were walking back I remember purposely hanging back so that I signalled I had no intentions to take things further with either girl, but I remember feeling like an idiot for compromising some of my friends too with this stupid move (some of whom also had partners) as they could have made a mistake in their drunken state of sleeping with one of them. In the end one of my single friends slept with one of them and the other shared a bed (nothing more) with the other. Again this sort of stupid peacocking, arrogant behaviour I did I find repulsive and leaves me with a real sick guilt feeling as it makes me feel like sleazebag again for instigating hook-ups for others - some would call this 'wing manning' but I see it as low grade behaviour

· I flirted with female and male colleagues (I am heterosexual) and female friends and with random females whilst out (talking only and nothing graphic or insulating that I wanted to take things further)

Although I know all of the above was not pre-meditated with the intention for them to happen on those occasions, they kind of just started happening before I realised what I was doing and stopped. But before doing that, did I cross any fatal lines that would now be grounds for separation (all incidents happened whilst we were engaged)? For all the above incidents, I have spoke about most of it with my partner (now my wife) - I truly do love her but I wondered if people thought my behaviour meant I was a cheater? I have told most of this to my partner, and whilst it upset her, she seems to think I haven't cheated, but acknowledges I have come close. Its been 6 months since we spoke about it but I still feel depressed as I am suffering from huge guilt. I used to look at these incidents a bit more positively by telling myself I did well not take things further and felt confident in my ability to not take things further, or that I hadn't crossed a line, but since becoming a dad, getting married and trying to cut down my drinking, I have been left with a horrible feeling towards my past actions that I don't think I can forgive myself for, and it makes me think I don't deserve the great family and life I have. The lying part felt like I was protecting her feelings as I just wanted to find time to unwind with friends as I never really to got to experience the drinking/social lifestyle while I was a teen/young man as I was with her, but I now see that behaviour as horribly deceitful, as she would be sat at home alone waiting for me to come back, and none-the-wiser.

My wife and my friends (including some of the females part of the incidents above) do not seem think I am a cheater, but I thought I would ask on here for an unbias perspective, as I have now developed OCD in trying to attribute meaning to my behaviour and just can't get on with my life (it is all I think about). Despite thinking my behaviour was just silly things that were part of a normal young relationship, in my heart now I feel like I have cheated - this is despite all my best efforts to turn away from opportunities I have had to cheat and take things further.

 

Edited May 26, 2021 by connor_1991

[d0nnivain]

31 minutes ago, connor_1991 said:

Again this sort of stupid peacocking, arrogant behaviour I did I find repulsive and leaves me with a real sick guilt feeling as it makes me feel like sleazebag again for instigating hook-ups for others - some would call this 'wing manning' but I see it as low grade behaviour

But you have now stopped.  You are reformed.  We are all agreeing with you that the behavior in the past was not the best but you didn't cheat.  You just were . . I'll use your word -- behaving like a sleazebag.  Still you didn't cheat.  

Forgive yourself for being a stupid, horny, immature guy & love your wife going forward.  There is no other option.  You are killing your own psyche & probably destroying your marriage ruminating about it.  You can't change it.  Own it.  Never do it again. & move on.  

[Timshel]

Yeah, you are a cheater in my book. There isn't any way that a person I am in a committed relationship with; a fiance or a husband would be rubbing/grinding getting a woody and telling that person he is down to f*ck would be okey dokey with me. Not my standards. It seems that it isn't yours either, though that is what you did.

All of that was a passive aggressive way to not get married. You are married now and the reason you are bringing it up is because you still want out?