Am I a cheating scumbag that does not deserve my wife, or have I just experienced 'normal' amounts of close calls that are common when in a long-term relationship?

[connor_1991]

34 minutes ago, basil67 said:

What does your therapist recommend for leaving this in the past?

I have only had the first introductory session from my therapist since I knew I had OCD. The coming weeks will uncover more details and recommendations. I did have a light / more generic CBT back in October but this did not help.

[basil67]

That's a long wait for you.  What kind of compulsions are you getting?

[connor_1991]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

That's a long wait for you.  What kind of compulsions are you getting?

The waiting list in the UK is 6 months, as Covid has caused a severe spike in mental health issues, and the NHS is overwhelmed. I luckily have managed to be fast-tracked as I have baby boy who is dependent on me and my wife. 

My compulsions involve me thinking about my past over and over again and then reaching out to people to ask if my behaviour was ok and ask if I remember what happened correctly. It has led to me reaching out to all sorts of people that I have not spoken to in a long time (up to 15 years) and checking to try and re-assure myself. I also conduct research into famous people that have committed awful sexual acts in order to make me feel better about my behaviour (for example I must have read every article there is on Harvey Weinstein) and also try to correlate my behaviour to see if I am the same sort of person. I have looked through every photo I own and read over whatsapp chat I have in order to try better remember my past and map out what I was doing on each day in my past. I seek almost constant reassurance from friends and family as I doubt my morals all the time - I am a pretty exhausting and emotionally draining person to be around right now.

Basically whenever I read/see anything in the news (be it BLM, #MeToo, violence story, cheating stories, rape or other sexual offence stories) I am determined to spend my time thinking of an example in my life when I behaved in a way that could be considered racist, murderous, unfaithful, predatory etc. and then label myself as such. Even when I receive a positive response regarding a certain thing I may be worrying about from another individual, it will only provide me with temporary relief, as my brain will then look for the next issue that I need to obsess over. The cycle has continued every day since October to the point where I thought about handing myself in to the police as I believed so much that I had become all of the things I had listed above. I seem to want absolute punishment and have no real ability to defend myself when people such as those on Quora and Loveshack throw accusations at me (although I do my best in cases where I have hard evidence to prove otherwise - such as those you and I discussed earlier in the thread) - I think I was a fight or flight scenario for me, and I choose to fight back against what you were saying as I desperately did not want to lose everything in my life.

[NYAG]

18 hours ago, connor_1991 said:

Would you forgive your partner for these things?

It would depend enormously on the relationship and the person and where I was in my life. I have been cheated on several times and had my trust betrayed in others that were not sexual misdemeanours. I have always walked away. Now, I refuse to get into a committed relationship with anyone to protect myself from it, so it's done its damage. I would not have forgiven you, but then I am not you or your partner so I cannot make a comparison.

[Timshel]

On 5/25/2021 at 1:25 PM, connor_1991 said:

To clarify, I have never kissed or had sexual relations with another person but whilst drunk I have done some of the following across our 13 year relationship - started when I was 17, and she was 16:

· Let a female friend suck my finger playfully - which naturally turned me on and made me say an inappropriate comment about wanting to f*** her due to my arousal. I then walked away to find my fiancée who was stood at the bar. I felt awful for that moment. I once also touched this same friend on the leg for a brief moment whilst I sat next to her on a train on a night out, before again realising what I was doing and stopped.

· I did lots of grind dancing with a female friend my stag party, and whilst almost blackout drunk, I then said I wanted to f*** her (whilst I leaned on her shoulder as I could barely stand) before realising what I said and moved away. I also remember moving away due to starting to get a boner too

· On that same stag I grabbed my female friends bum as I hugged her goodbye

· I smacked or pinched a few bums of female friends whilst dancing or hanging out. I do this to my male friends too

· I once, whilst stood in a packed queue, got aroused as I was pressed up against my female friend. I proceeded to let my erection press against her for a moment (she knew and purposely pushed back on it too) which obvs felt good despite us wearing lots of thick layers in winter. I then regained control of my urges and moved moved sideways to avoid my pressing against her again

· I used to spend a lot of my week working late. Despite 95% of time being honest, Across a period o of many years I would on occasion lie about being at work to my partner, whilst I was actually going out drinking with friends. Across 5 years, I would guess it was 30 times in total - ranging from white lies, to going out and spending the whole evening drinking as a way to unwind and relax with friends

· I have been sexually excited when out alone with a female friend before even though I wouldn't go beyond dancing or flirting with them at worst. Its just due to finding them attractive when talking to them. Is this normal?

· I have danced with a random girl before telling her "that I would get with her but I was in a relationship so did not want to". She then just asked to hold me for a short period whilst we were on the dancefloor (which I thought was okay as it was a step back from the kiss she originally was after when she pulled me close). To be clear I just wanted to dance (maybe grind dance), nothing more.

· I flirted with female and male colleagues (I am heterosexual) and female friends and with random females whilst out (talking only and nothing graphic or insulating that I wanted to take things further)

 

This is quite a bit before marriage. Clearly you are having fun and not ready to settle down.

On 5/25/2021 at 2:58 PM, connor_1991 said:

Thanks for your reply - most of this happened whilst I was engaged but not married. Whilst married I have tried to dance with random girls, but nothing more. All the above incidents took place between the ages of 23-28

I know the lying is awful - I thought I was okay as I was not up to anything sinister (like meeting another woman) and put it down to my addiction of drinking and going to the pub/bar like a lot of people with partners would do. I seemed to be chasing the younger years that I missed out on by not going out whilst I was at college/university.

This seems a proper self assessment.

On 5/25/2021 at 3:21 PM, connor_1991 said:

We got married 1.5 years ago

Honestly the pain and guilt I feel inside is unbearable, but I know I deserve it for my behaviour, I am currently working on my OCD and anxiety that stems from this (via cognitive behaviour therapy) in order to heal and stop myself dragging my wife and son into this hole I find myself in.

 

On 5/26/2021 at 7:25 AM, connor_1991 said:

My wife, although upset when I revealed everything to her, said I was inappropriate but had not cheated. But I still feel in my heart, and as per the standards I hold myself to, that I have betrayed her and can't let go of that idea. It's making me feel as if she deserves better and I should let her go despite how much that would break my heart. I can confirm I have never loved anyone else, but obviously have found others attractive and perhaps had a small crush (that I have not followed-through on on tried to grow into something more).  To be clear, I am seeking treatment via CBT since October last year for my OCD - it is a slow process but I hope it helps. 

Yes, I think you should. As I said before, you want to have sex with other women and your stiff upper lip (amongst other things) is causing a constipation of marital bliss. The engagement should have been broken, but you wouldn't have the embarrassment.

Now you ponder endlessly whether or not she should have forgiven you...to the point of calling old flames who don't remember to be sure to make things as unpleasant as possible for your wife.

Still she stands by you. It is a predicament. If you had left prior to baby and marriage it would have been easier to manage; you'd have been a redeemable cad. If she won't leave you, you will need to figure out how to be honorable whilst longing for somethings else.

[Meg88]

I see cheating as anything that makes you feel guilty, in regards to a sexual manner. Once confessed to a partner, it depends how they see it as well. It is good that you were able to be honest with her and communicate what had happened, but I would continue to work through these feelings of OCD, as you describe it, and obvious lingering feelings of guilt. Also, looks like alcohol played a key role in these poor choices, careful mate, drink responsibly.

Cheers!