Best Friend Moved on

[BeanCounter]

The background: We had been very close friends since 8th grade. We lived together for 4 years during college. I'm currently 34, but the years after college we lived relatively close to each other, and would hang out at his and his wife's house, or my place 2-3 times a week, and would text most every day.

Then he picked up a new hobby he had always wanted to try: stand up comedy. At first, I was instantly supportive. I was at all the open mics he went to laughing my butt off. I was excited to meet all the new friends he made from the comedy world. I had branched out for some hobbies I picked up post-college, and had introduced him to all my new friends as well. But as time went on, it started to become more and more clear that he no longer had time for me. After one week of asking him 3 or 4 different times to hang out and him saying he was busy with comedy shows, I basically told myself to have some dignity and let him be and he'll reach out to me when he wanted to hang out. Except it never really happened. And that was over 2 years ago now.

At one point a mutual friend had a party, and I was considering now going because of the anxiety from seeing him, since I had a lot of unexpressed feelings. I went, and the worst part is it's like we never missed a beat. We were just dropped into being best friends again for 1 night. And then never really communicated after that again.

Is it even worth telling him how I feel? And how this is a worse feeling for me than any breakup with a woman I've gone through? It's been so long, but I still have disdain for just being forgotten and left behind after 15 years of friendship. A part of me feels like it would be very selfish of me to say something at this point, and the primary motivator somewhere deep down is probably to hurt him like I've been hurt, which seems unhealthy.

[d0nnivain]

I had college friends who drifted away for years.  I feel like I recently got them back now that their kids are grown  out of the house.  

I had another group of friends who we always felt like ships passing in the night.  Finally we bought a pack of season tickets to a regional theater by us.  It was like 6 plays per year, one every other month. So we had a guaranteed time & place to hang out.  We'd meet for dinner, watch the show,  then grab a drink afterwards.  We kept that up for 4-5 years.  But it changed when some people started having kids.  

I think the guy genuinely likes you given all the shared history but you aren't a priority.  That's nobody's fault.  It just happens.  You can tell him how you feel but there are only so many hours in a day.  Try to plan something that fits into his present life / schedule.  You can trying setting up something we're you already paid & are routinely committed to seeing each other. 

[BeanCounter]

Thanks for the thought Donnivain.

I've drifted away from many, basically all, college friends at this point. This one just seemed different. Distance was the normal motivator for drifting, which I totally understand and am guilty of too.

I do like your example of reconnecting with a friend through set theater tickets. There's also a part of me that is bitter though, and even asking if I could handle just going back to being friends, hence the consideration that maybe I'm just doing this subconsciously to let him know he hurt me so I feel better about it.

[ShyViolet]

Friends drift apart.  That is the normal course of life.  Just because you were best friends since 8th grade, that does not mean the friendship has the endurance to last forever or that it can't end.  You are not the same people that you were in college.  He clearly has different priorities now.  The fact that you saw him at that party and then never heard from him after that says a lot.  It doesn't sound like he's interested in a close friendship anymore.  I think you should leave it alone.  Make new friends.  Accept the fact that people change.

[flitzanu]

some might say this is irrelevant...however...is this a male/female friendship dynamic?  i get the hint that it is.

[BeanCounter]

8 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

some might say this is irrelevant...however...is this a male/female friendship dynamic?  i get the hint that it is.

Not at all. We are both straight males, he is married, and there was never any inclination whatsoever in terms of anything more than guy friends. But I can definitely see how it could come across that way lol

[Alpacalia]

On 5/25/2021 at 12:51 PM, Tim05 said:

Is it even worth telling him how I feel? And how this is a worse feeling for me than any breakup with a woman I've gone through? It's been so long, but I still have disdain for just being forgotten and left behind after 15 years of friendship. A part of me feels like it would be very selfish of me to say something at this point, and the primary motivator somewhere deep down is probably to hurt him like I've been hurt, which seems unhealthy.

I had a similar dilemma with one of my female best friends of 20 years and we had a falling out of sorts.

Thankfully, we were able to bridge the gap after a few years of not speaking.

The only thing I would caution is if you feel a sense of disdain, you'll have to do a bit of soul searching first, I suppose.

[Foxhall]

Yes its not an easy one this,

the reality is though you need to be met half way in any friendship and there is no point running after another person too much,

I would say my first post on this forum was vaguely similar,

you have to get to a point though where you work on being successful and content in your own right and crucially that you do not care what this guy thinks of you,

my old friend we still talk nowadays, but I eventually got to the point where I did not care what he thought about me and that took a while,

I guess if your kicked long enough you battle back.

[glows]

On 5/25/2021 at 12:51 PM, Tim05 said:

Is it even worth telling him how I feel? And how this is a worse feeling for me than any breakup with a woman I've gone through? It's been so long, but I still have disdain for just being forgotten and left behind after 15 years of friendship. A part of me feels like it would be very selfish of me to say something at this point, and the primary motivator somewhere deep down is probably to hurt him like I've been hurt, which seems unhealthy.

Probably not a good idea. It would be awkward and put a lot of pressure on the other person to either apologize or make up for it. That's no way to bring anyone closer (out of guilt). Ask him again if he wants to hang out. If he says no or he's too busy or some other excuse, you know you need to close the door on this.

Hang out with other friends. Don't carry this chip over your shoulder. We often outgrow different people in our lives. Some stay and those are the real gems. 

 

[d0nnivain]

You can say something but it must be carefully worded.  When I felt this way & wanted to recommit to a friendship it was more like this: 

Hey.  I miss you.  Life is crazy I know but can we really make the effort to get together.  I feel like we miss each other more than we connect any more & I don't want to lose our friendship. 

That usually worked but I am a woman.  Male communication & interaction is different.  

[Blind-Sided]

It's just how life is.  I don't have any of my fiends from grade school.  I had a few that I was close to while growing up, and we spent a lot of time together.  But 2 of them towards the ends of HS found serious GF's and abandoned their regular friends.  

In collage, I had several friends that we hung out all the time, even after we graduated.  One friend, we would hang, and play video games... but eventually kids came, and we just got too busy to spend a Saturday or Sunday playing games. So... being together physically went from once a week to MAYBE once a month.  He has moved for work... and now we haven't seen each other for well over a year. 

[BeanCounter]

Thanks for all of the advice all, I sincerely appreciate it. I do understand things change, I've lost a lot of close friends just due to time and distance, he was just the mainstay in my life for so long, and even after losing all the other high school/college friends, we would still hang out very frequently.

Like I said, I do have other friends that I see frequently, so I'm not like desperately lonely (over this at least lol) or something like that. It's also been like 2 and a half years or something of the sorts now, so would probably be odd to try to reconcile at this point.

 

[glows]

1 hour ago, Tim05 said:

Thanks for all of the advice all, I sincerely appreciate it. I do understand things change, I've lost a lot of close friends just due to time and distance, he was just the mainstay in my life for so long, and even after losing all the other high school/college friends, we would still hang out very frequently.

Like I said, I do have other friends that I see frequently, so I'm not like desperately lonely (over this at least lol) or something like that. It's also been like 2 and a half years or something of the sorts now, so would probably be odd to try to reconcile at this point.

It sounds like you aren't too interested in talking with this person again. You're just upset with the way he treated you after he found success in his career or other areas of life. This used to happen quite a lot when I was younger and upset with how others treated me or took me forgranted. I woke up one day and realized this type of thinking was too damaging to sustain. If it's not worth the energy fixing, walk away from it. And then start making improvements in my own life. As soon as I did that what others were doing mattered less and less.

You mentioned bitterness and some vengeful thoughts in the past posts. Shed the victim mentality that he left you behind or mistreated you and put all that thought/energy into your bettering your life. That's how you move on.

 

[BeanCounter]

47 minutes ago, glows said:

It sounds like you aren't too interested in talking with this person again. You're just upset with the way he treated you after he found success in his career or other areas of life. This used to happen quite a lot when I was younger and upset with how others treated me or took me forgranted. I woke up one day and realized this type of thinking was too damaging to sustain. If it's not worth the energy fixing, walk away from it. And then start making improvements in my own life. As soon as I did that what others were doing mattered less and less.

You mentioned bitterness and some vengeful thoughts in the past posts. Shed the victim mentality that he left you behind or mistreated you and put all that thought/energy into your bettering your life. That's how you move on.

 

Yes, there are undeniably some of those feelings from my side, which is probably not very healthy. It can be difficult though, because the actions basically just say he met people that were better than me. It sucks to not feel good enough. But, that was the reason I just stopped trying to make contact at some point, was to just move on with myself

[flitzanu]

23 hours ago, Tim05 said:

Not at all. We are both straight males, he is married, and there was never any inclination whatsoever in terms of anything more than guy friends. But I can definitely see how it could come across that way lol

ah.  sorry for the assumption. i wanted to make sure this wasn't a male/female unspoken crush situation before offering my opinion   i don't have any real advice, i've had some close male friends sort of fade out as well, and it's definitely weird.  i mean, if you were to reach out and have a conversation would anything be different?  like, is it just that you want him to reach out and show interest?  or have you actively tried and he basically ignores you?  

i have some friends i was very close with and we don't talk but like, maybe once a year / or more or less with some, but we pick up where we left off.  and then i have some that just literally ghosted, and seem to actively ignore any contact i make.

are you positive there's nothing that "happened" that he could hold blame to you for, even in the slightest?  that seems to be the only reason a dude ghosts another dude, if there's some type of notion that one wronged the other in some way.

[BeanCounter]

8 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

ah.  sorry for the assumption. i wanted to make sure this wasn't a male/female unspoken crush situation before offering my opinion   i don't have any real advice, i've had some close male friends sort of fade out as well, and it's definitely weird.  i mean, if you were to reach out and have a conversation would anything be different?  like, is it just that you want him to reach out and show interest?  or have you actively tried and he basically ignores you?  

i have some friends i was very close with and we don't talk but like, maybe once a year / or more or less with some, but we pick up where we left off.  and then i have some that just literally ghosted, and seem to actively ignore any contact i make.

are you positive there's nothing that "happened" that he could hold blame to you for, even in the slightest?  that seems to be the only reason a dude ghosts another dude, if there's some type of notion that one wronged the other in some way.

0 offense taken. The way I set this up, and with how hurt I am over it, I could certainly see why someone may think there romantic feelings involved even after knowing we are both straight males 😆   I think, if I reached out and wanted to hang out again, he would very likely be open to it. We've seen each other at a large party a mutual friend had, and we spent the entire night hanging out at that and it was like nothing had ever changed for that night.

I really don't think it was anything specific, or even that he is angry about something. I legit think he just got a new hobby - stand up comedy - and now he has no time for anything that is outside of that world. Which I guess as others have said, that's his choice and I probably just need to let it go, especially considering I'm not big enough to swallow my pride and just keep being the one that tries to arrange to hang out.

[glows]

6 hours ago, Tim05 said:

Yes, there are undeniably some of those feelings from my side, which is probably not very healthy. It can be difficult though, because the actions basically just say he met people that were better than me. It sucks to not feel good enough. But, that was the reason I just stopped trying to make contact at some point, was to just move on with myself

No.. it most likely means he met others he may be more similar to. You mentioned yourself that he found a new group of friends and another network of people. It doesn't make you less than or less better. You have to check that type of negative loop/cycle of thinking. How you think of yourself colours your perceptions of others and how you're treated. It can greatly affect your mood also. Wouldn't you be more interested in pursuing your interests and meeting more friends that way?

[BeanCounter]

1 hour ago, glows said:

No.. it most likely means he met others he may be more similar to. You mentioned yourself that he found a new group of friends and another network of people. It doesn't make you less than or less better. You have to check that type of negative loop/cycle of thinking. How you think of yourself colours your perceptions of others and how you're treated. It can greatly affect your mood also. Wouldn't you be more interested in pursuing your interests and meeting more friends that way?

Well I guess by "better" I meant "better for him." But when I made new friends post-college, I never just outright moved on past him. You can have more than 1 group of friends.

[josi334]

Hey BeanCounter ( funny nickname😄)

I am sorry this is happening to you too. I recently posted here about a longtime friend that is also distancing herself from me and stopped putting efforts in our friendship. I, too, am the one  always asking her to hang out and last week I made the last attempt and was once again encountered with the " I let you know" and of course I didn't hear from her. I asked here the same question if I should tell her how I felt. But after some thoughts I decided I will let it be and move on without telling her. You are entitled to feel hurt and sad but please do not think any less of you - think of the qualities you have to offer as a friend and that your friend is losing a good friend. Also, I would not ask him to hang out anymore - you said you asked 3-4 times and he said he was busy so now the ball is in his court  and he should reach out to make plans next time. As  the others  here said, use your energy to make new friends and not to hold grudges. When you need to chase someone you are sure better off alone!

 

[BeanCounter]

44 minutes ago, josi334 said:

Hey BeanCounter ( funny nickname😄)

I am sorry this is happening to you too. I recently posted here about a longtime friend that is also distancing herself from me and stopped putting efforts in our friendship. I, too, am the one  always asking her to hang out and last week I made the last attempt and was once again encountered with the " I let you know" and of course I didn't hear from her. I asked here the same question if I should tell her how I felt. But after some thoughts I decided I will let it be and move on without telling her. You are entitled to feel hurt and sad but please do not think any less of you - think of the qualities you have to offer as a friend and that your friend is losing a good friend. Also, I would not ask him to hang out anymore - you said you asked 3-4 times and he said he was busy so now the ball is in his court  and he should reach out to make plans next time. As  the others  here said, use your energy to make new friends and not to hold grudges. When you need to chase someone you are sure better off alone!

 

This was so genuinely very sweet. Thank you so much for the kind words

I'm sad you are going through it as well, but we can't control what others do. I think there are times that old friends also come back, so there can be some reconciliation on both our parts at some point. My sister had a best friend throughout middle school and high school, and somewhere in the middle of the college years they had a falling out. Then, they reconciled probably 5 or 6 years after that, and have been extremely close every since. You never know where life is going to put you in the future