Author Minnie Moo Posted March 8, 2021 Author Share Posted March 8, 2021 6 hours ago, deepthinking said: I think you were lonely and then went dancing and then you met him. Play the field in future. Or just stick to a social life to stop the loneliness. It's just a phase. I was/am definitely lonely. I was playing the field a bit and having a great social life. I met him and he just swept me off my feet. But I’ve since discovered the phrase ‘love bombing’ and realised that’s what he did in the first few months of meeting me. Till I was totally hooked on the amount of time, attention and affection he gave me. when he started to withdraw that - after his wife fell pregnant. He made me out to be the unstable/clingy/needy one when I couldn’t work out what was going on and why he was withdrawing from me. just wish I’d been stronger and walked away from the start. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
deepthinking Posted March 8, 2021 Share Posted March 8, 2021 3 hours ago, Minnie Moo said: I was/am definitely lonely. I was playing the field a bit and having a great social life. I met him and he just swept me off my feet. But I’ve since discovered the phrase ‘love bombing’ and realised that’s what he did in the first few months of meeting me. Till I was totally hooked on the amount of time, attention and affection he gave me. when he started to withdraw that - after his wife fell pregnant. He made me out to be the unstable/clingy/needy one when I couldn’t work out what was going on and why he was withdrawing from me. just wish I’d been stronger anSTd walked away from the start. Easy to look back. If anything, be choosy in future. Weigh up any dates before you commit. Best wishes 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted March 8, 2021 Share Posted March 8, 2021 IMO, this guys seems precisely the type of person to prey on a grieving widow. You were in a vulnerable position and in walks Rico Sauve with his dance moves and song lyrics... Please do not at all beat yourself up for your harsh words. I know you would like it to be so, but I would put money he isnt hurting over them. He is upset he lost another play toy and now is focusing to find a replacement to fix that box in his harem of women. He deserved every bit of it and more. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 8, 2021 Share Posted March 8, 2021 (edited) 5 hours ago, Minnie Moo said: have self referred for counselling and hopefully that will start soon. I wish you all the best. I hope you find a lovely partner someday. You are worthy of finding a man to love, adore, and care for you. This man isn’t it. I wouldn’t feel badly for how it ended, he deserved every bit of it and more. Less focus on him, and more focus on you now. Take care. Edited March 8, 2021 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted March 8, 2021 Share Posted March 8, 2021 16 hours ago, Minnie Moo said: 4. I wasn’t being ‘mean’ and ‘horrribe’ to him by ending things over text and being so damned harsh about it. I feel awful for how it’s all ended , knowing I was practically the only person he spoke to other than his wife about his depression and anxiety. I think, as women, we are conditioned to always have to be polite and nice in order to be "good" or accepted. But the truth is there are situations where one does not have to be nice or polite and this is one of them. Do not feel bad about being harsh. On the airplane they tell you to put your own mask on first, and you need to take care of yourself first. Yes the NC is hard but you can take it one day, or even one hour at a time. Don't think of it as "forever"...think of it as today. You can do NC for one day, right? And those hours, and those days, will add up to become weeks and months. You are doing the right thing and in time you will heal and become even stronger. 2 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 8, 2021 Share Posted March 8, 2021 53 minutes ago, Bittersweetie said: I think, as women, we are conditioned to always have to be polite and nice in order to be "good" or accepted. But the truth is there are situations where one does not have to be nice or polite and this is one of them. Totally. And unfortunately, because your marriage was also emotionally abusive you have been conditioned to accept the blame, apologize, to restore peace and harmony in the relationship. I see that in the way he convinced you that you had no right to ask if he was having sex with another woman or if his wife was pregnant. Of course, these are important questions that you should have the right to know!! - as the woman who is in a relationship and having sex with this man. The fact that he told you otherwise and you continued to see this man, says a lot... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted March 8, 2021 Share Posted March 8, 2021 (edited) Oh his poor wife, pregnant by her serial cheat husband... yes you absolutely did the right thing cutting things off and who cares if he thinks you were "mean" - he hid his wife's pregnancy from you! By ignoring you he is trying to put you back your place. Don't fall for it, it is another abusive tactic to get a response from you. I'm sorry for all you are going through, first your H's death and now being entangled in an affair - at this point your brain is breaking your addiction to him and it takes time. His wife deserves to know she's pregnant by a guy who is sleeping around with other women - I know you don't feel it's your place to tell but holy crap, she's in a lot of danger from the one guy who should be protecting her at all costs. I'd also think twice going back to dance class. Unfortunately you've sullied those waters. Edited March 8, 2021 by Allupinnit 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 8, 2021 Share Posted March 8, 2021 (edited) 5 hours ago, Allupinnit said: His wife deserves to know she's pregnant by a guy who is sleeping around with other women - I know you don't feel it's your place to tell but holy crap, she's in a lot of danger from the one guy who should be protecting her at all costs. I'd also think twice going back to dance class. Unfortunately you've sullied those waters. So was the sex unprotected? Guess I missed that bit. That said, yes he certainly SHOULD be focused on his pregnant wife. 8 hours ago, Starswillshine said: IMO, this guys seems precisely the type of person to prey on a grieving widow. You were in a vulnerable position and in walks Rico Sauve with his dance moves and song lyrics... Hmm. Seems like this relationship was consensual and that BOTH of them got something out of it. It always seems like the MM, who's worthy of intimate relations despite being married during the affair, suddenly becomes a horrible person when he goes back to his wife. Such a familiar ring. (And a bit of a hollow ring too.) Seems more honest for OP (to herself) just concede that YES, YOU had an affair, YES he ended it and went back to his wife, YES he was to a certain extent "using you" to make himself happier, but that YOU got something out of the whole thing too, so in a very real way that was mutual or it wouldn't have happened at all, and that YES because he's gone now you are hurting emotionally. I may have many views that go against the grain (for some) around here, but I have never believed that APs who happen to be unmarried somehow get a pass or magically lose their agency just because an attractive married other is dangling themselves in front of them, chasing and the like. Ultimately you did this/went along in an attempt to make yourself happier, which appears to be pretty much what he was doing as well. Edited March 8, 2021 by mark clemson 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted March 8, 2021 Share Posted March 8, 2021 Mark, I have to say I agree a bit with you. She is definitely in charge of her own actions. And responsible for her part in the affair. There are types of people who can sense vulnerable women. Or maybe it is just vulnerable people are just drawn to this type. It is up to her to figure out where her weaknesses are so that next time she knows how to spot it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted March 8, 2021 Share Posted March 8, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, mark clemson said: So was the sex unprotected? Guess I missed that bit. Why chance it? An STD could do a lot of harm to an unborn baby. Sounds like he's making his rounds about town, not just with the OP, so I'mg going to take a stab in the dark and say he isn't the most responsible person I've heard about. Then to come home to your pregnant wife... just - Damn. Even you can admit that is some straight cold sh*t. Also, demonizing an ex after a breakup isn't exactly anything new. Most everyone does it upon being dumped - it helps ease the pain somewhat. That's not anything unique to affairs. Edited March 8, 2021 by Allupinnit 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 8, 2021 Share Posted March 8, 2021 The guy is totally a creep! He lies and lies - especially by leaving out important info! and of course he’s slept with others - the dance things provides him a steady stream of choices in women(yes, plural)! ho complete NO CONTACT! You slept with another woman’s husband while she was pregnant...after you knew he was married. how would you have liked someone doing this with YOUR husband when he was married to you? Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 8, 2021 Share Posted March 8, 2021 (edited) 15 hours ago, Minnie Moo said: I was/am definitely lonely. I was playing the field a bit and having a great social life. I met him and he just swept me off my feet. But I’ve since discovered the phrase ‘love bombing’ and realised that’s what he did in the first few months of meeting me. Till I was totally hooked on the amount of time, attention and affection he gave me. when he started to withdraw that - after his wife fell pregnant. He made me out to be the unstable/clingy/needy one when I couldn’t work out what was going on and why he was withdrawing from me. just wish I’d been stronger and walked away from the start. But you can NOW! the choice is yours! Edited March 8, 2021 by S2B Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 9, 2021 Share Posted March 9, 2021 2 hours ago, Allupinnit said: Why chance it? An STD could do a lot of harm to an unborn baby. I agree what he's doing is far from right WRT his pregnant wife. If he used protection, he used protection, so that's a reach unless OP chimes in to clarify. Link to post Share on other sites
Abetterme Posted March 9, 2021 Share Posted March 9, 2021 Hi Minnie Moo - I am sorry you are struggling. You are very early on in the days of NC, but this will pass if you keep on. If you do go back, you only set yourself back and open yourself up for more hurt. I am a MW who had an affair with a MM. We started an emotional affair shortly before he got married and things escalated a few months after his marriage and continued as a full-blown affair for several years. Like you, there were many breaks as we both knew what we were doing was horrible. I tried to pullback when I knew they were trying to conceive. Like your MM, mine made it almost impossible to extract myself and truly I was too dumb and weak to change my behavior. About a year and a half later they got pregnant and I can assure you it was the worst period of my life remaining in the A. I felt guilt, disgust with myself and admittedly grief in “losing” him. I promise you, you are in for so much more heartache if you continue to compromise yourself in this situation. I don’t comment here often either, but felt very compelled to do my best to prevent you from doubting your decision. You have 100% done the right thing walking away from him. I will never forgive myself for what I’ve done to my spouse and xMM’s wife. There are a myriad of reasons that I used to justify my horrible behavior, but that is really all it was. Horrible choices spent on another very broken individual. It has been a long healing process full of lots of therapy and introspection. You will get through this, you have been dealt much worse in the loss of your spouse. This man is not worthy. I hope cutting him out of your life will provide you the “open space” to meet someone who will be. Wishing you all the best. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Minnie Moo Posted March 9, 2021 Author Share Posted March 9, 2021 Morning everyone. Apologies for not replying. Thank you all for your comments and support. It is greatly appreciated. I can’t figure how to reply to everyone individually but some points from some questions raised. 1. I didn’t know he was married the night I met him. He didn’t wear a ring, omitted to say he had a wife and instead told me he had a kid. I stupidly assumed he was divorced or separated. He didn’t correct me. He swept me off my feet that night so when I found out the next day he was married my guard was already down and I naively thought ‘we can just be friends’. He love bombed me from then on and I was totally bowled over. I know it was a bad choice, I know I was weak, I know it was wrong but he phoned from morning to night, selfie’s after selfies, songs and music, jokes and compliments and totally took up every minute of my day/night with being there. Yes I adored the affection and the attention and I used that to justify away my behaviour and overriding my morals. 2. Yes we used protection. I wasn’t chancing getting pregnant let alone anything else. 3. the last time we actually had sex was February 2020. Last saw each other at a dance 14th March 2020. Then lockdown. By his wife’s due date they had sex October 2020. He shouted at me saying they’d only had sex x3 times and he definitely wasn’t having sex with her when he was having sex with me. He fails to understand why I find that impossible to believe. 4. I do believe his wife has a right know. He will have even more opportunity to deceive her once she is stuck at home with a baby and toddler and he is off dancing again. however I don’t think I’m the right person to contact her and I have no idea what to do about that side of things. He sure as hell won’t tell her. 5. I am not demonising him. I totally fell for him. But at no point did I ever ask him to leave his wife or expect him to put me above his family. What I eventually couldn’t cope with was the withdrawal of affection/attention and the mind games he played with me once I figured something had changed. He kept me dangling by lying by omission and eventually when I discovered the truth he was angry and upset at me for snooping on Facebook. But when I threatened to walk he changed tack and tried to say he was suicidal and depressed and really needed me as a friend. We would ‘be friends forever’ ‘I was one of his closest friends’ ‘he didn’t want to lose me’. all of this made me feel totally unreasonable and mean for suggesting we break so I stayed and tried to be ‘just friends’. just friends meant he basically stopped talking to me unless I spoke first. But when he needed the ego stroke he would be back with the in-jokes and compliments and flirting and I’d fall straight back into it. Then feel awful again for doing so. His wife was pregnant. She doesn’t know about me in any shape or form so even being just friends would be a secret. And I don’t want to be a secret in anyone’s life. I also don’t see how being just friends would work when we’ve had such an intense sexual history and huge emotional connection. After something clicking in my brain the other week. I was the one who unexpectedly called it off. He did not ‘dump’ me and return to his wife. My texts about blocking him and walking would have been a total shock to him. So he blocked me on everything before I’d had chance to do so my side. I know in my logical head it’s for the best. But I was so taken in and infatuated with him that the withdrawal process is breaking me and itS making me question if I’ve done the right thing. Been totally unreasonable and rude to him. Should have just accepted a secret ‘friends’ status and left things to fizzle out eventually. I have made it clear to him that he isn’t to return to the dance venue where we met. I don’t think he will. He has others to chose from. thank you all so much. I know I’m waffling but my head is currently absolutely full of conflict. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Minnie Moo Posted March 9, 2021 Author Share Posted March 9, 2021 Also to clarify. He lives an hour and a half away from me so after last seeing each other in March last year we haven’t been able to physically meet up since then due to covid. I suggested ending it at the beginning of lockdown. He protested and ramped up the level of phone calls and messages. He goes night fishing a lot so would on the phone from 10pm till the early hours or as he was still able to work he would ring me during the day when travelling to and from different jobs. He could have just agreed to end it when we knew we wouldn’t be able to see each other for a long time. He could’ve told me his wife was pregnant and I would have had the kick in the butt to walk there and then. He could’ve agreed we should end it when I did find out - instead he got angry, got depressed, told me he’d been ‘sat with a rope contemplating’ Early on in our affair he told me he’d nearly jumped off a bridge once. He even phoned me one night asking me to talk to him as he drove over it as it made him really upset. My late husband took his own life (and made sure I thought it was my fault) I couldn’t stand the thought of my MM being in the same turmoil and me not being able to talk to/help him. Now I’m questioning whether all that was just a ploy too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Minnie Moo Posted March 9, 2021 Author Share Posted March 9, 2021 When I found out about the baby and was trying to end things he also divulged he was now on antidepressants, sleeping tablets and having counselling for Sexual OCD and depression. But I wasn’t to worry about any of that and he’d ‘be fine’. So the thought of walking away and ending communication with him became too painful as I was far too concerned about how he was, whether he’d be ok, whether me staying or going would trigger him in any way. I tried to stay ‘friends’ from January onwards because of this but he blew even more hot and cold with me and would ‘disappear’ for days on end - and I’d panic about what had happened to him. Then he’d come back and be joking and flirting again as though all was ok. It was messing with my head way too much and affecting all other areas of my life as well as the stress, guilt and shame I was already feeling about having an affair and his wife now being pregnant. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Minnie Moo Posted March 9, 2021 Author Share Posted March 9, 2021 18 hours ago, BaileyB said: I wish you all the best. I hope you find a lovely partner someday. You are worthy of finding a man to love, adore, and care for you. This man isn’t it. I wouldn’t feel badly for how it ended, he deserved every bit of it and more. Less focus on him, and more focus on you now. Take care. Thank you for your straightforward and thoughtful replies. You’re very adept at clarifying the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Minnie Moo Posted March 9, 2021 Author Share Posted March 9, 2021 9 hours ago, Starswillshine said: Mark, I have to say I agree a bit with you. She is definitely in charge of her own actions. And responsible for her part in the affair. There are types of people who can sense vulnerable women. Or maybe it is just vulnerable people are just drawn to this type. It is up to her to figure out where her weaknesses are so that next time she knows how to spot it. @Starswillshine and Mark. I agree I was responsible for my part in all this and it has caused no end of upset in my head and heart but as you say, I got something out of all this at the time which was a major influx of attention, affection and someone spending lots of time getting to know me and involve themselves in my life. I haven’t had that since my husband died. It was unfortunately impossible to resist having someone ‘fill my cup up’ and make me laugh and smile so much it was like a light had be turned on in my life again. Even when the physical side of things stopped due to covid he would spend hours on the phone. Hours and hours. I just became complete unable to turn off the tap and now that I have I know why. Because it hurts like hell and the light has gone off. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Minnie Moo Posted March 9, 2021 Author Share Posted March 9, 2021 6 hours ago, Abetterme said: Hi Minnie Moo - I am sorry you are struggling. You are very early on in the days of NC, but this will pass if you keep on. If you do go back, you only set yourself back and open yourself up for more hurt. I am a MW who had an affair with a MM. We started an emotional affair shortly before he got married and things escalated a few months after his marriage and continued as a full-blown affair for several years. Like you, there were many breaks as we both knew what we were doing was horrible. I tried to pullback when I knew they were trying to conceive. Like your MM, mine made it almost impossible to extract myself and truly I was too dumb and weak to change my behavior. About a year and a half later they got pregnant and I can assure you it was the worst period of my life remaining in the A. I felt guilt, disgust with myself and admittedly grief in “losing” him. I promise you, you are in for so much more heartache if you continue to compromise yourself in this situation. I don’t comment here often either, but felt very compelled to do my best to prevent you from doubting your decision. You have 100% done the right thing walking away from him. I will never forgive myself for what I’ve done to my spouse and xMM’s wife. There are a myriad of reasons that I used to justify my horrible behavior, but that is really all it was. Horrible choices spent on another very broken individual. It has been a long healing process full of lots of therapy and introspection. You will get through this, you have been dealt much worse in the loss of your spouse. This man is not worthy. I hope cutting him out of your life will provide you the “open space” to meet someone who will be. Wishing you all the best. Thank you for taking the time to reply and share your story. I do hope you are now also in a better and stronger place emotionally and been able to recover from the damage and loss. Such terrible choices we sometimes make when we are unable to think straight and have a void in our lives that we might not have even been aware of at the time. Glad you were able to call a halt on things too. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 9, 2021 Share Posted March 9, 2021 (edited) On 3/8/2021 at 3:39 AM, Minnie Moo said: I was/am definitely lonely. Sorry this happened. This^^^ is what you need to address. Grief, adjusting to being widowed and alone. Have you seen a physician? If your grief is protracted you may benefit from an evaluation and referral to a therapist. Your sadness is not about the affair. That was just a bad band-aid over the real wound, which you now feel much more acutely. Basically you just put your grief on hold for a while. Edited March 9, 2021 by Wiseman2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted March 9, 2021 Share Posted March 9, 2021 2 hours ago, Minnie Moo said: When I found out about the baby and was trying to end things he also divulged he was now on antidepressants, sleeping tablets and having counselling for Sexual OCD and depression. But I wasn’t to worry about any of that and he’d ‘be fine’. 2 hours ago, Minnie Moo said: Early on in our affair he told me he’d nearly jumped off a bridge once. He even phoned me one night asking me to talk to him as he drove over it as it made him really upset. My late husband took his own life (and made sure I thought it was my fault) I couldn’t stand the thought of my MM being in the same turmoil and me not being able to talk to/help him. Now I’m questioning whether all that was just a ploy too. Did he know this about your husband? That he took his own life and blamed you? This all sounds like major manipulation. And if he knew about what happened with your husband, it is a new level of cruel manipulation. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Minnie Moo Posted March 9, 2021 Author Share Posted March 9, 2021 16 minutes ago, Starswillshine said: Did he know this about your husband? That he took his own life and blamed you? This all sounds like major manipulation. And if he knew about what happened with your husband, it is a new level of cruel manipulation. @Starswillshine Yes. He knew all about it. He knows so much about it and about my circumstances. We’ve talked for hours and hours and hours. There’s not much he doesn’t know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Minnie Moo Posted March 9, 2021 Author Share Posted March 9, 2021 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this happened. This^^^ is what you need to address. Grief, adjusting to being widowed and alone. Have you seen a physician? If your grief is protracted you may benefit from an evaluation and referral to a therapist. Your sadness is not about the affair. That was just a bad band-aid over the real wound, which you now feel much more acutely. Basically you just put your grief on hold for a while. You could well be right. I’ve got an assessment appointment next week for counselling. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 9, 2021 Share Posted March 9, 2021 2 minutes ago, Minnie Moo said: You could well be right. I’ve got an assessment appointment next week for counselling. Excellent. You've been through a lot. This guy was like heroin. Poisonous, but numbing. You'll be ok. Your physician and therapist can help you. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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