Struggling with end of affair

[NYAG]

14 hours ago, Minnie Moo said:

He hasn’t directly threatened suicide just made sure I know (when he’s been off radar for a few days after a disagreement) that he was sat with a rope contemplating. 

when we had a row over the (surprise) baby announcement on FB. He said he couldn’t deal and had nearly told his wife everything but didn’t and that if I did I basically ‘had his life in my hands’. 
 

so even though I know his wife should really be told (somehow?) I don’t want his mental health to be on my conscience nor do I want to cause pain and upset to a pregnant lady.  
 

my heart and head are torn over the whole thing. I wish to goodness I’d just seen that he was married and walked away but I can’t  my actions now 😞 

Well, this is what he's TOLD you. This man is a manipulator, an actor. He's playing you. I've been the victim of more than one of these and this is an act to keep you where he wants you until he decides what he's going to do.

[Minnie Moo]

32 minutes ago, NYAG said:

Well, this is what he's TOLD you. This man is a manipulator, an actor. He's playing you. I've been the victim of more than one of these and this is an act to keep you where he wants you until he decides what he's going to do.

His reactions to things and how he ‘punished’ me when I’ve confronted him or suggested ending things etc are all very similar to how my late husband behaved too.  
this is the main reason I’m so torn on whether to somehow tell his wife about him.  He put on one of their Fb posts a while ago that ‘he treats her like a queen’ I nearly messaged her right there and then. 
If she wasn’t pregnant I would have done.  
That statement just filled me with dread that he actually treats her like that so she doesn’t suspect what he’s doing behind her back. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 3/7/2021 at 5:08 PM, Minnie Moo said:

I’m really worried about his mental health as I was so abrupt and harsh and it was so unexpected of me to have sent him those messages.

Don't worry about his mental health. He is not worrying about yours.

This man is a practiced serial cheater. I can see it in what you've described. He's a smooth operator who knows exactly the right buttons to push at the right time to keep you, and the others in his harem, off balance so he stays in control.

What you miss is really just a fantasy, not him. It may take you a long time to see that...long after the dopamine and other "love hormones" wear off.

No contact is the only thing that will help you get your balance back. It's not no contact when you're checking for him. Realize that this suave man knows you're checking for him, and he's using his detachment to punish you and get you back in line...so that next time you will think twice about challenging his (subversive) control with your voice by speaking up. He's quietly sending you a message that it will be his way only.

He has learned your triggers and now he's using them against you to further his power over you. He knows you fear abandonment. He even is using your emotions about your late husband's passing to keep you roped in by suggesting he too will kill himself if you end things (trust me, he won't! but he will replace you). He's trying to trigger that pain and get you to associate it with not being enmeshed with him to make it harder for you to go. He wants control. This man is using some very nasty manipulative tactics on you to keep you under his thumb. 

Be ever mindful that what you said to him is your own self's attempt at self-preservation, asserting your own boundaries, identity, and what's right for you. He wants none of that. What he wants is for you to quietly accept everything on his terms without questioning him on anything. That is not loving, not to you anyway, and only 'loving' to himself. This man is extremely selfish and deceptive.

You got swept away in fantasy. Any attempts to deny the reality of what's happening here are just a defense mechanism to reduce your pain. The truth is you are not caught up in a whirlwind romance. You are caught up in a fantasy with a man who enjoys toying with you and the control he has over you (and others). Time to get off the carnival ride. Time to ground yourself back into reality.

Edited March 10, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel
Added his

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 3/9/2021 at 6:36 AM, Wiseman2 said:

This guy was like heroin. Poisonous, but numbing.

Excellent analogy!

[Minnie Moo]

55 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Don't worry about his mental health. He is not worrying about yours.

This man is a practiced serial cheater. I can see it in what you've described. He's a smooth operator who knows exactly the right buttons to push at the right time to keep you, and the others in his harem, off balance so he stays in control.

What you miss is really just a fantasy, not him. It may take you a long time to see that...long after the dopamine and other "love hormones" wear off.

No contact is the only thing that will help you get your balance back. It's not no contact when you're checking for him. Realize that this suave man knows you're checking for him, and he's using his detachment to punish you and get you back in line...so that next time you will think twice about challenging his (subversive) control with your voice by speaking up. He's quietly sending you a message that it will be his way only.

He has learned your triggers and now he's using them against you to further his power over you. He knows you fear abandonment. He even is using your emotions about your late husband's passing to keep you roped in by suggesting he too will kill himself if you end things (trust me, he won't! but he will replace you). He's trying to trigger that pain and get you to associate it with not being enmeshed with him to make it harder for you to go. He wants control. This man is using some very nasty manipulative tactics on you to keep you under his thumb. 

Be ever mindful that what you said to him is your own self's attempt at self-preservation, asserting your own boundaries, identity, and what's right for you. He wants none of that. What he wants is for you to quietly accept everything on his terms without questioning him on anything. That is not loving, not to you anyway, and only 'loving' to himself. This man is extremely selfish and deceptive.

You got swept away in fantasy. Any attempts to deny the reality of what's happening here are just a defense mechanism to reduce your pain. The truth is you are not caught up in a whirlwind romance. You are caught up in a fantasy with a man who enjoys toying with you and the control he has over you (and others). Time to get off the carnival ride. Time to ground yourself back into reality.

Thanks for this.  Yes he is very selfish and manipulative when I look at it from this view but at the time it didn’t seem that way.  If I challenged him on anything and he got cross he would just say ‘I’m not having this conversation as it’s affecting my mental health’ or ‘just end it then if you don’t want me anymore’ - knowing full well I couldn’t just walk away and not worry about him.  
I’ve got some many example of this in out message history where he’s either just ignored me completely, told me to end it or told me he won’t ring me anymore if that’s what I want and then the ‘my depression is too high to be having this convo’ line too and then he’d justify ignoring me.  

BUT then I’ve got lots of messages where he’s lovely and tells me he’s sorry for being a grumpy arse or sorry for upsetting me or he’s missing my voice and missing talking to me, or that I always make him laugh and cheer him up and he ‘just wants me to be me, the pain in the ass that always makes him smile’.  
There are the lines that I used to cling to as hope that he cared and did want to see me again.  Every time I tried walking he’d be back with the compliments.  
Every time I stand up for myself I’d get ‘you know it’s only about sex’ ‘you knew I was married when you first slept with me’ ‘you flirted with me first’ etc etc and I’d come away from those convos totally confused as it’s him who’s always ringing me and wanting to talk constantly 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️ 

I guess I’ll never fully understand but for now just have to try again with the NC and not falter on it.  

He won’t dare contact me again surely? I said I never wanted to see him again and that I’d tell his wife if he got back in contact. That should be enough of a stand shouldn’t it? 

[elaine567]

18 minutes ago, Minnie Moo said:

He won’t dare contact me again surely? I said I never wanted to see him again and that I’d tell his wife if he got back in contact. That should be enough of a stand shouldn’t it? 

Not necessarily.
It depends on whether he thinks you are serious about the threat, or how confident he feels about being able to avoid the consequences even if you do contact the wife.
If he thinks you are so "in love" you would never tell his wife, or he thinks you have no incriminating evidence or he knows his wife is going nowhere even if she does find out, then he may decide to chance it...

[BaileyB]

Your recent attempt to contact him may embolden him. He may feel a little more safe, knowing that you still want him. ^^

Or, he may decide you are too much of a risk and find himself someone else to cheat with... 

You need to get secure in your decision. When you are, what he does won’t matter to you.

 

[Minnie Moo]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Not necessarily.
It depends on whether he thinks you are serious about the threat, or how confident he feels about being able to avoid the consequences even if you do contact the wife.
If he thinks you are so "in love" you would never tell his wife, or he thinks you have no incriminating evidence or he knows his wife is going nowhere even if she does find out, then he may decide to chance it...

doubt he will....

I basically said.. 

im Blocking you 
I don’t want to see you again. 
don’t come back to my dance venue 

If you contact me again, turn up again or I hear of your name linked with anyone else other than your wife I will tell your wife 

I also have quite a lot of our messages saved so don’t think I can’t prove it about us either.  
 

He then blocked me as I was about to block him and didn’t even reply to any of it.  

he always said he only blocks people if they really upset him  I guess I upset him   

his wife can’t go anywhere with a 3 year old and a baby on the way   

Anyhow.  He’d be pretty stupid to ‘test’ me surely.  

[Minnie Moo]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

Your recent attempt to contact him may embolden him. He may feel a little more safe, knowing that you still want him. ^^

Or, he may decide you are too much of a risk and find himself someone else to cheat with... 

You need to get secure in your decision. When you are, what he does won’t matter to you.

 

I think he’s definitely decided I’m too much of a risk.  
I would admit I am too. Ive come very close to sending his wife a message quite a bit since I found out about the pregnancy in Dec. I think that’s why he said the line ‘his life is in my hands’ if she were to find out.  

[Minnie Moo]

Had a eureka moment today and realised what likely subconsciously and out of the blue prompted my ‘break up texts’ to MM on the 16th Feb.  

on the 15th Feb I’d received a really lovely compliment from a friend of mine via FB. A lady I haven’t known long. A lady I really respect. And a lady who’s been through a lot in her life and knows some of my story too. 
I also received a surprise box of cookies from  another friend. Again a strong, inspiring lady who I have only known for a couple of years but we share similar views on people and life.  

I realised I had been lying to these friends too  these friends who had complimented me and sent me cookies didn’t know the shame and guilt I’d been carrying around since the start of the Affair. Both of them know of man and have met him but would never have guessed what was going on behind everyone’s backs.  
I felt so humbled at their lovely gestures, especially as they were ones I was never ever going to get from MM that I must have decided to start choosing my friends again over him and his lack of respect for me   

I also went to see my Mum the same day.  
My Dad when I was little had affair after affair. I didn’t quite know what they were at the time but I (and my siblings knew) that there was something off kilter whenever he was straying and I’m pretty sure my Mum suspected or even knew what was happening too but kept taking him back. 
Eventually when I was 10 an affair stuck.  It had been going on quite a while I think and I’m not even sure to this day how my Mum knew or found out as I’ve blocked a lot of what happened out. But this time around my Dad was kicked out/left for good and disappeared off with his Mistress. 
That Mistress was married and called Hilary.  She had a husband and teenage son.  They ran my Sunday youth group club.  My Dad helped out and helped fix her car (a lot) 

They left x2 totally broken families behind.  My Mum was left as a single mum to a 10yr, 8yr, 3yr and 18month old kids with the slam of a door being the last we saw of my Dad.  I still to this day bear a massive grudge to Hilary.  
 

When I went to see my Mum today I think it suddenly clicked that on Monday 15th my head was screaming at me that I was in real danger of becoming a Hilary but I just hadn’t processed it properly and when I sent those texts it’s was basically me rejecting the idea that I could ever do the same as what Hilary and my Dad had done to my family all that time ago.  
My conscience finally found a way to override my hearts desire and slap me right In the face.  It worked. I just now have to ride out the withdrawal emotions.

 I don’t think I’ll ever be able to tell my Mum what I’ve done/nearly done 😔 

[FMW]

You don't have to tell anyone you don't want to tell.  You have a right to keep things private.  The important thing is to end it for good and move forward, learning the lessons this experience taught you.  

The lessons are the key - if they don't stick, you're in danger of going back and repeating the same behavior. 

It's really great that you are taking the time to look at yourself and your motivations.  You'll come away with a different  - better - relationship with yourself, and in turn learn to make decisions based on what's truly best for you moving forward.  Understanding and accepting yourself is an interesting journey, so embrace it!  

[Minnie Moo]

1 hour ago, FMW said:

You don't have to tell anyone you don't want to tell.  You have a right to keep things private.  The important thing is to end it for good and move forward, learning the lessons this experience taught you.  

The lessons are the key - if they don't stick, you're in danger of going back and repeating the same behavior. 

It's really great that you are taking the time to look at yourself and your motivations.  You'll come away with a different  - better - relationship with yourself, and in turn learn to make decisions based on what's truly best for you moving forward.  Understanding and accepting yourself is an interesting journey, so embrace it!  

lesson well and truly learnt.  
there was a film I watched as a teenager I think with Daryl Hannah in.  A line from it always stuck in my head.  
‘Hearts desire, hearts desire. Never ever play with fire’ 

need to keep repeating that to myself.  

Well if nothing else lockdown is providing plenty of time and opportunity to think and reflect.  Just need to get stronger and more able to deal with it all before I do inevitably bump into him at a dance venue one day.  Hopefully by then I’ll be happily single or happily taken. Either way I won’t be falling into his arms again. Saying that makes me as sad as it makes me happy. Weird mix. I do/did adore him. I’m still not sure where to park that emotion.  

Edited March 10, 2021 by Minnie Moo

[Minnie Moo]

Hi Buttercup 

Sorry to hear you’ve had similar happen and are feeling low and upset too.  It’s horrible when any kind of relationship comes to an end. Especially if you weren’t expecting it and didn’t initiate it. 🤗 

If he’s blocked you on FB then there’s not much you can do about that.  Maybe he’s doing it so you won’t obsess over it and keep looking at his profile and see things that will upset you further.  A case of being cruel to be kind in a way.  If you still are able to see him on other social media platforms though then I’m not too sure why he’d block only on FB.  
 

im starting to figure there’s several reasons why they could potentially want to be ‘just friends’ 

1. They don’t want to end it all at once/hurt your feelings by going NC so they go to friends only and then gradually ween you off them with less and less contact.  
2. They want to keep the option open for reigniting the affair once they’ve gone through their guilty phase and/or the risk of being found out has passed. 
3. They are just paying lip service to the phrase and will actually just ghost you from then on 

4. They genuinely want to be ‘just friends’ Personally I don’t see how this could ever work 🤷🏼‍♀️ Especially in the early stages of an affair ending as emotions are just too raw and feelings too high.  

I honestly think if you stay friends the temptation to relapse is just too strong.  

If you both do decide to go down the ‘friends’ route then there’s going to have to be a proper discussion about boundaries and what is and isn’t appropriate and acceptable in terms or contact and it’s content otherwise lines get blurred and it’s easy to fall back into the affair again   

how long did your affair continue for? I’m guessing you’re single and he’s a married? 
 

if you read back through this post and also another one about Reasons to Keep motivated on No Contact there is lots of fantastic advise, support and insight into how to deal with the end of an affair and how to think about what caused it in the first place and why when it ends it can be so traumatic.  
 

big hugs.  It really is rubbish and after a positive day yesterday I’m struggling again today.  

Edited May 25, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Buttercupp]

Hi Minnie Moo

Thank you for replying as it was also good just to unload this to people who have experienced the same.

To be honest our affair if that's even what I'd call it was brief but the flirting and build up was over 3 years. And yes im single and have a really bad history with relationships, I'm very unlucky so in a way I sworn myself off men but there was something about this one who would message me and especially during lockdown as we did talk about normal day to day things so I felt a bond was developing then eventually just in January thats when I was like hmm maybe I should just give a little back. I called him out a few months ago asking if he was still married because he hadn't posted anything about her or with her for months and he said he was married but not now but my gut was like hmmm I dont believe him but then I was thinking but what if he is single.... so I gave in. We met up and then thats when I knew as his guilt kicked in after our first few meetings so I asked him outright if he was still married and he said he was, he was all apologitec etc and we agreed to stop. Remain friends but it didn't happen we continued to message and meet up.

Then his guilt got worse and worse and my emotions and guilt on my side took over so I started to struggle with the whole situation.

I wanted to end it but didn't want to not see him. I fell for him as he was everything I look for in a man (minus being married) but I also believed thats all a deserved was to be a man's side bit. I started to put myself in using wives shoes and I just couldn't cope with the feelings. So we called it quits. He promised he wouldn't remove me from  social media.

But only this week thatd when I noticed I was blocked fb and I think it is because it was his wedding anniversary this week, I am sure I seen a post or picture previously so I sorta knew it was around now. So he probably did block me to save me from seeing any lovey Dovey posts about their marriage. But I knew I would see that. Hes been on my Facebook for years and I've seen all his posts about his wife in the past. But I get why it would be different now as ive not developed feelings but it still hurt me cause he denied it. He said he deleted fb but I know he hasn't. 

We had a bit of an argument this week as ive just felt really rubbish. Im struggling to just walk away and believe this isn't my issue or that its anything to do with me. But the abandonment issues take over. He was reaching out to me during the lockdowns before and we developed a nice bond now I feel its gone.

My self esteem is so low that im believing it was something I did. Forgetting hes married with young kids... my guilt is different to his. But I know I don't want to ruin a marriage or those little kids vision of their dad.

But I cannot shift this horrible feeling of missing him and the attention.  I know that sounds really selfish.

I also agree with all your points on the "remain friends" thing... I just dont know what point he is trying though. But I know I should just remove him and do full NC but find it too hard to do that.

 

I hope you are feeling ok  you will get through it, how have you been today? 

[NYAG]

@minniemoo Staying friends, given the way these men have behaved, is just a way of keeping you on the back burner (in my personal opinion). If it's over, it's over. You need to cut the cord, block them on everything and find someone better or at least have time to recover yourselves from it before moving on. If they just want to be friends, why would you want that reminder of them all the time, popping up in your feeds or on your phone? It's called submarining. They lurk around for ages not saying anything and then suddenly pop up for a look around, maybe drop you a message to see if you're still talking to them and then disappear again. That doesn't help you move on, it helps them to continue to call the shots and it's vile behaviour on their part.

Edited May 25, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Buttercupp]

@NYAG thank you for your response and I completely agree. The more sane and logical part of my brain is saying exactly that. Hes kept me a a "friend" so when it's all calm again he can pop up again just like what he did all those years of trying to get my attention which in the end worked. I think I am also more angry at myself for giving in to the sweet talk, compliments etc but I think with the pandemic and being lonely and stuck in the house daily didnt help my willpower. Not going to lie this has really messed my head up, its really trivial things that are now upsetting me. 

I want to just walk away but finding it so hard. This forum is helping though as I dont feel completely alone now xx

[Minnie Moo]

13 minutes ago, NYAG said:

@minniemoo @buttercupp Staying friends, given the way these men have behaved, is just a way of keeping you on the back burner (in my personal opinion). If it's over, it's over. You need to cut the cord, block them on everything and find someone better or at least have time to recover yourselves from it before moving on. If they just want to be friends, why would you want that reminder of them all the time, popping up in your feeds or on your phone? It's called submarining. They lurk around for ages not saying anything and then suddenly pop up for a look around, maybe drop you a message to see if you're still talking to them and then disappear again. That doesn't help you move on, it helps them to continue to call the shots and it's vile behaviour on their part.

@NYAG Not heard the term submarining before.  How apt! And yes I’m starting to come to terms with the fact that me and ex MM cannot be friends. It would just be a way of him keeping me dangling and it would just be a reminder to me that I can ‘see’ him but I can’t have him.  

 @Buttercupp I agree with NYAG. 
This man has led you on and made you believe he was available.  He then had to admit he wasn’t. But you were already emotionally involved.  That was like what he wanted to achieve.  If he’d just told you outright that he was married you likely wouldn’t have let down your guard.  He lied to you. He is therefore already untrustworthy.  
It will be hard to walk away. Very hard.  I’m struggling big time with it.  I caved the other day and tried phoning my exMM. Sometimes it just hurts too much not to have that daily contact anymore.  BUT from what I’ve read on here and the great support all these guys give. It is possible and you will be able to do it.  
You have to make the decision yourself though.  
 

On another thread we were listing songs that can help motivate/empower us OW not to go there or how to get over someone.  
 

we had 

Zara Larson - Look what you’ve done

Dua Lipa - we’re good

Rebecca Ferguson - Mistress

Ava Max - all out of salt

and 

Jess Glynne - Rollin.  
 

Your self esteem and self worth don’t come from having a man and being with a MM will only grind those further into the ground with the shame, guilt, lies and deceit an affair entails.  
You build yourself up by taking care of you and then you find a man who’s deserving and worthy of you. 👑  

[Minnie Moo]

10 minutes ago, Buttercupp said:

Hi Minnie Moo

Thank you for replying as it was also good just to unload this to people who have experienced the same.

To be honest our affair if that's even what I'd call it was brief but the flirting and build up was over 3 years. And yes im single and have a really bad history with relationships, I'm very unlucky so in a way I sworn myself off men but there was something about this one who would message me and especially during lockdown as we did talk about normal day to day things so I felt a bond was developing then eventually just in January thats when I was like hmm maybe I should just give a little back. I called him out a few months ago asking if he was still married because he hadn't posted anything about her or with her for months and he said he was married but not now but my gut was like hmmm I dont believe him but then I was thinking but what if he is single.... so I gave in. We met up and then thats when I knew as his guilt kicked in after our first few meetings so I asked him outright if he was still married and he said he was, he was all apologitec etc and we agreed to stop. Remain friends but it didn't happen we continued to message and meet up.

Then his guilt got worse and worse and my emotions and guilt on my side took over so I started to struggle with the whole situation.

I wanted to end it but didn't want to not see him. I fell for him as he was everything I look for in a man (minus being married) but I also believed thats all a deserved was to be a man's side bit. I started to put myself in using wives shoes and I just couldn't cope with the feelings. So we called it quits. He promised he wouldn't remove me from  social media.

But only this week thatd when I noticed I was blocked fb and I think it is because it was his wedding anniversary this week, I am sure I seen a post or picture previously so I sorta knew it was around now. So he probably did block me to save me from seeing any lovey Dovey posts about their marriage. But I knew I would see that. Hes been on my Facebook for years and I've seen all his posts about his wife in the past. But I get why it would be different now as ive not developed feelings but it still hurt me cause he denied it. He said he deleted fb but I know he hasn't. 

We had a bit of an argument this week as ive just felt really rubbish. Im struggling to just walk away and believe this isn't my issue or that its anything to do with me. But the abandonment issues take over. He was reaching out to me during the lockdowns before and we developed a nice bond now I feel its gone.

My self esteem is so low that im believing it was something I did. Forgetting hes married with young kids... my guilt is different to his. But I know I don't want to ruin a marriage or those little kids vision of their dad.

But I cannot shift this horrible feeling of missing him and the attention.  I know that sounds really selfish.

I also agree with all your points on the "remain friends" thing... I just dont know what point he is trying though. But I know I should just remove him and do full NC but find it too hard to do that.

 

I hope you are feeling ok  you will get through it, how have you been today? 

Ps. You are not selfish. You are allowed to have emotions and feelings.  
The action of having an affair whilst knowing he is married with kids is a selfish act. Been there done that but it does not mean that you in your entirety are a selfish person.  

ive got a counselling assessment booked in for next Weds as I know I need to look at the issues that made me override my morals and allow myself to engage in an affair.  Maybe you could look into getting some counselling too or talking to someone trusted who will be able to help you see that you have lots going for you separate from having to be attached to a MM. 

[Buttercupp]

@Minnie Moo

Thank you. It is tough and I think that is what I couldn't get my head round was the fact he did lie from the start and your right I let my guard down as part of me believed he was single. I asked him what was he expecting if I was never to find out he was in fact married and he could never answer me.

Each time we met up he seemed fine then after would say he was overcome with guilt yet wanted to still meet up.

Now there is nothing, he actually makes me feel like I'm the one in the wrong, because he's acting so different. I just wish this never happened. I wish I never gave in but I cant change the past. I just feel like I'm now chasing him for an answer or validation.

Do you feel that way when you try reach out? Do you feel its like you need him to make you feel better or that you are worthy? Because for some reason I feel I need this mans approval and validation thats what is eating me up.

I think I will look into counselling to help me as I dont think I can do this on my own or try help myself without making myself look like a crazy person:(

 

 

[Minnie Moo]

I’ve kept all the messages me and the MM sent each other from 5th Dec last year.  I started that date because he actually messaged me after a few days of me being short with him to apologise for him being grumpy and he was missing me.  
I’ve since read through all the messages several times over and yes there is a lot of push/pull and me seeking validation and reassurance from him, checking in that he was still talking to me, double checking that he still wanted to be in contact and on the days where I stood up for myself there would be nothing from him at all. I would then send apologies and explanations and he would suddenly start talking to me again. 
even after I found out about his wife being pregnant he still somehow managed to play the victim and make it all about ‘oh ok I’ll F off then if you don’t want me’ or ‘I’ll phone tomorrow if you want me to’ ‘hate me if it helps then’ and lots of other statements like that where I then end up reassuring him that I don’t hate him, yes I want him to call and no please don’t F off. 
I can’t believe how much I let him turn it around onto me. I ended up forgiving him everything and now that I’ve stood up for myself properly he’s not ever going to talk to me again.  
it hurts like heck. It really does.  I won’t lie to you about that.  BUT for sanity’s sake it really is best to walk away, focus on yourself and being happy on your own and hopefully at some point the right person does appear in your life. 

Edited May 25, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Buttercupp]

@Minnie Moo honestly reading all that was like a mirror image almost as I read back all my messages even from when the flirting began but the last week its me pretty much throwing all sorts of emotions at him from upset, to anger to resentment to then me apologising for my behaviour.. apologising because I'm upset. 

That is when he responds saying "its ok" yet tonight and I know I shouldn't have done it but I message asking him if he does still find me attractive as my self esteem is so low I just needed to hear something nice and hes ignored it.

Yet before it was fine for him to text me calling me beautiful etc where as I just want to hear it one time and he won't.

One of the times he was at mine, we tried to talk about our situation and I just broke down in tears and couldn't control it. I said I felt used, lied to and cheap and he would say then that I wasn't cheap and I am so much better than all this and I deserve to be happy. So why isn't he saying anything like that now?

I feel like its all been turned on me like im the crazy mess whos chasing him and trying to ruin his marriage when im not. I just need closure or even him to acknowledge that he hurt me, as much as I'm to blame for that too he always said he didn't want to hurt anyone... yet I'm the one hurting and he ignores me.  Yet won't delete me or block me from these other social media platforms. I really don't know what he wants from me. 

Has your ex MM blocked you then? Or is he just doing the fun ignoring thing they seem to do.

It is crazy how this situation can really make us feel this way when deep deep down we know its not healthy, its not good for us and we know we are better than this but I cant help but this man has used me and ran away because he's realised yes he is guilty but also realised I was vulnerable and lonely due to the pandemic and that this has really set me back and thats what I struggle with.

He says he wants to be my friend but a friend would try help me and at least be there. Not ignore me block me and make me feel even worse.

Im usually a really stubborn person and when someone hurts me or distrspects me I would cut them off. I miss that person I used to be as i was so strong where as this has broken me. Im strong and confident in every other aspect of my life but this situation is something thats so out of control its driving me mad.

I don't know about you but even though i want to walk away, and even though I'm looking like a crazy, clingy person but part of me is messaging him more and more as a said for the validation but also to prove to him I am worthy but its actually making me look more and more pathetic. So its like part of me believes hes gonns be single soon and he wouldn't be interested in me now because I look crazy. So I feel like I'm clutching at straws to show him my worth.. but in reality he won't be single ever and im actually making myself look crazy

 

This is so hard but I do thank you for your input and advice its honestly helping me and making me feel better xx

[Minnie Moo]

10 minutes ago, Buttercupp said:

@Minnie Moo honestly reading all that was like a mirror image almost as I read back all my messages even from when the flirting began but the last week its me pretty much throwing all sorts of emotions at him from upset, to anger to resentment to then me apologising for my behaviour.. apologising because I'm upset. 

That is when he responds saying "its ok" yet tonight and I know I shouldn't have done it but I message asking him if he does still find me attractive as my self esteem is so low I just needed to hear something nice and hes ignored it.

Yet before it was fine for him to text me calling me beautiful etc where as I just want to hear it one time and he won't.

One of the times he was at mine, we tried to talk about our situation and I just broke down in tears and couldn't control it. I said I felt used, lied to and cheap and he would say then that I wasn't cheap and I am so much better than all this and I deserve to be happy. So why isn't he saying anything like that now?

I feel like its all been turned on me like im the crazy mess whos chasing him and trying to ruin his marriage when im not. I just need closure or even him to acknowledge that he hurt me, as much as I'm to blame for that too he always said he didn't want to hurt anyone... yet I'm the one hurting and he ignores me.  Yet won't delete me or block me from these other social media platforms. I really don't know what he wants from me. 

Has your ex MM blocked you then? Or is he just doing the fun ignoring thing they seem to do.

It is crazy how this situation can really make us feel this way when deep deep down we know its not healthy, its not good for us and we know we are better than this but I cant help but this man has used me and ran away because he's realised yes he is guilty but also realised I was vulnerable and lonely due to the pandemic and that this has really set me back and thats what I struggle with.

He says he wants to be my friend but a friend would try help me and at least be there. Not ignore me block me and make me feel even worse.

Im usually a really stubborn person and when someone hurts me or distrspects me I would cut them off. I miss that person I used to be as i was so strong where as this has broken me. Im strong and confident in every other aspect of my life but this situation is something thats so out of control its driving me mad.

I don't know about you but even though i want to walk away, and even though I'm looking like a crazy, clingy person but part of me is messaging him more and more as a said for the validation but also to prove to him I am worthy but its actually making me look more and more pathetic. So its like part of me believes hes gonns be single soon and he wouldn't be interested in me now because I look crazy. So I feel like I'm clutching at straws to show him my worth.. but in reality he won't be single ever and im actually making myself look crazy

 

This is so hard but I do thank you for your input and advice its honestly helping me and making me feel better xx

@Buttercupp

I could have written all you’ve just said practically word for word.  
my exMM has now blocked me on EVERYTHING. Because I told him to leave me alone or I’d tell his wife.  
this is the man who love bombed me for months when we first met (he didn’t have a ring on the night I fell for him) Phoned me constantly. Messaged constantly and must have sent upwards of 10 selfies a day at one point - as though I’d forget what he looked like.  He basically got me addicted to him.  Even during lockdown I tried to end it. He ramped up the love bombing.  The end started when I asked if his wife was pregnant (apparently they didn’t have sex anymore) He wouldn’t answer the question and made me oht to be crazy for asking.  
I only found out I was right x3 months later when she updated her Fb profile pic and she had a baby bump.  
He ended up crying on the phone to me saying he could never forgive himself for hurting me, he was so sorry and he didn’t want to lose me etc etc etc and could we be friends.  
friendship was proving too impossible I was jealous, angry, hurting like heck, questioning everything he said, worrying over everything I said, the shame and guilt were overwhelming and he was starting to pull away and contact me less as though trying to ween me off him. Which then started me getting clingy, upset, crazy, paranoid, stressed, not sleeping, not eating properly, snapping at my kids and friends etc etc etc.  
So one day I woke up and just ended it.  Sent him several awful texts and ended it.  
4 weeks on I still don’t know how I feel and I’m still not coping very well and I still miss him like hell too and the need to reach out and make everything better again is soooooo strong too.  I can’t stand the thought of him hating me or replacing me or simply just forgetting about me.  He said we would be ‘friends forever’ Sadly just another line I could never figure out if it was true or not   
 

if your MM cares for you in any way he wouldn’t have put you in the position of having an affair in the first place   
He lied to you from the beginning and that’s what you need to hold on to.  You asked him and he lied.  
You played your part in all this but you don’t need to let it define who you are and how you view people (advice I need to take myself) 

Please if you can just block him on everything that you can too and make your own decision to leave him behind and start working on and looking after yourself as a priority.  

[Minnie Moo]

1 minute ago, Minnie Moo said:

@Buttercupp

I could have written all you’ve just said practically word for word.  
my exMM has now blocked me on EVERYTHING. Because I told him to leave me alone or I’d tell his wife.  
this is the man who love bombed me for months when we first met (he didn’t have a ring on the night I fell for him) Phoned me constantly. Messaged constantly and must have sent upwards of 10 selfies a day at one point - as though I’d forget what he looked like.  He basically got me addicted to him.  Even during lockdown I tried to end it. He ramped up the love bombing.  The end started when I asked if his wife was pregnant (apparently they didn’t have sex anymore) He wouldn’t answer the question and made me oht to be crazy for asking.  
I only found out I was right x3 months later when she updated her Fb profile pic and she had a baby bump.  
He ended up crying on the phone to me saying he could never forgive himself for hurting me, he was so sorry and he didn’t want to lose me etc etc etc and could we be friends.  
friendship was proving too impossible I was jealous, angry, hurting like heck, questioning everything he said, worrying over everything I said, the shame and guilt were overwhelming and he was starting to pull away and contact me less as though trying to ween me off him. Which then started me getting clingy, upset, crazy, paranoid, stressed, not sleeping, not eating properly, snapping at my kids and friends etc etc etc.  
So one day I woke up and just ended it.  Sent him several awful texts and ended it.  
4 weeks on I still don’t know how I feel and I’m still not coping very well and I still miss him like hell too and the need to reach out and make everything better again is soooooo strong too.  I can’t stand the thought of him hating me or replacing me or simply just forgetting about me.  He said we would be ‘friends forever’ Sadly just another line I could never figure out if it was true or not   
 

if your MM cares for you in any way he wouldn’t have put you in the position of having an affair in the first place   
He lied to you from the beginning and that’s what you need to hold on to.  You asked him and he lied.  
You played your part in all this but you don’t need to let it define who you are and how you view people (advice I need to take myself) 

Please if you can just block him on everything that you can too and make your own decision to leave him behind and start working on and looking after yourself as a priority.  

I wish to goodness I’d kept ALL of mine and MM messages from the very start as then I’d be able to see the pattern of him being the initiator, the constant and the persistent one. The one complimenting me, worrying over me, phoning me every bloody minute of the day.  
Singing me songs on messenger voicemail. Sending me music he wanted to dance with me to. Sending pages and pages of 😘 emojis and 😍 emojis. 
 

At one point early on I even told him I was blocking him for 24 hours as I really needed a break and to get on with some stuff at home/in life. 
When I unblocked him he sent a message straight back saying it was the longest 24 hours of his life.  
Now he has no qualms about making me put to be the obsessive, crazy, stalker, needy, attached one and he only apparently wanted me for sex and wasnt attached and he clearly isn’t bothered about blocking me now. 😞 

Ive no idea what the answer to feeling better is or how to stop the sadness but I do know I won’t ever trust anyone on face value again.  

[Buttercupp]

@Minnie Moo

Honestly what is with the love bombing because he did the same. Would send me messages saying "what id do to be able to spend the day with you instead of being at work",

sending me selfies and cute little messages, constantly checking in and commenting on my latest pics on Instagram. Sending me flirty messages and now nothing.... I called him out on the fb thing about being blocked and now I'm being made to be this crazy, unstable female.

He was at mine last week... the last time we met up. Everything was fine yes we agreed to end it but we had a nice chat, laughed and joked and agreed nothing would change in terms of this "friendship"  I didnt contact him for a full week until I noticed I was blocked so all hell has broke loose now and now I just look like the crazy person.

I really really want to block him but part of me doesn't because I'm hating the fact we have ruined this. 

This is probably one of the worst feelings in the world. Normal relationships ending dont hurt this much but I think it is also because its secret ive told one friend. And thats it. Its bottling up. Im ashamed that i did this and im hiding it. Im ashamed I was involved with someone else's man.

I think part of me is trying to p*ss him off so it is easier to walk away and just hate each other. But same time I dont want that. Im stuck with this nagging feeling of regret of ever getting involved and this other feeling of not handling this better and just walking away with dignity and respect for myself instead I look like a unstable, emotional crazy person that he is probably thinking "wow lucky escape" while he goes about his days lying to his wife  and making her feel special known hes done some terrible things to her too.

I want to delete all my messages from him as they are now a painful reminder but haven't brought myself to do it yet

[NYAG]

18 hours ago, Buttercupp said:

@NYAG thank you for your response and I completely agree. The more sane and logical part of my brain is saying exactly that. Hes kept me a a "friend" so when it's all calm again he can pop up again just like what he did all those years of trying to get my attention which in the end worked. I think I am also more angry at myself for giving in to the sweet talk, compliments etc but I think with the pandemic and being lonely and stuck in the house daily didnt help my willpower. Not going to lie this has really messed my head up, its really trivial things that are now upsetting me. 

I want to just walk away but finding it so hard. This forum is helping though as I dont feel completely alone now xx

You walking away and blocking him gives you the power. It means you have won and he has lost and that is a good feeling. Leaving things potentially open for him, means you are always expecting to put his head back around the door. Get rid of him and you will never have to look over your shoulder again and you can recuperate and then find someone better if you so choose to.