Struggling with end of affair

[Buttercupp]

@NYAGthank you. I am going to do my best to walk away and get over this as I'm tired of feeling this way and its not healthy at all x

[Minnie Moo]

16 minutes ago, Buttercupp said:

@NYAGthank you. I am going to do my best to walk away and get over this as I'm tired of feeling this way and its not healthy at all x

Really hope you find the strength within yourself to do so.  Good luck. Let us know how you get on.  
 

[Buttercupp]

1 hour ago, Minnie Moo said:

Really hope you find the strength within yourself to do so.  Good luck. Let us know how you get on.  
 

@Minnie Moothank you. I feel alot better today as I had a reality check because we know all the same people... so if anything was to every come out it wouldn't just ruin his relationships with his family and wife. It would also ruin mine as in his close circle of friends are people I also know really well, some of the women in this group i grew up with but over the years we all went separate ways but they are now friends with his wife. We all went to the same school too so we are all linked one way or another so if it was ever to get out my whole reputation and relationship with people ive know since I was 5 years old would also be ruined. Also all the ties he has with family, her family and his little kids all not worth it and I'd rather not be known as the home wrecker who steals womens men. As much as I like him im trying ti focus more on the reality and practicalities of it all.

It just wouldn't work and not only my life would be ruined so would alot of others. I feel even more ashamed now that I know there's women who know me well and his wife really well that I feel really ashamed and dirty known I did this to her... I dont know the wife personally but I think I knew of her back in our school days but still, I feel terrible that I've been part of this and how this must make her feel if she was ever to find out.

Part of me is starting to resent him a little as he would have known all this too because of where we live and our school days etc so even when he pursued me he should have known too many people would he involved. If he was wanting to cheat he should have picked someone who wasn't linked to so many people to his and her friends and family. But I guess also got myself to blame for that too as I was totally blind due to the attention and attraction I developed for him.

Such a mess but I will keep you updated on my progress.

How have you got on today? Feeling any better or any set backs?

[Minnie Moo]

38 minutes ago, Buttercupp said:

@Minnie Moothank you. I feel alot better today as I had a reality check because we know all the same people... so if anything was to every come out it wouldn't just ruin his relationships with his family and wife. It would also ruin mine as in his close circle of friends are people I also know really well, some of the women in this group i grew up with but over the years we all went separate ways but they are now friends with his wife. We all went to the same school too so we are all linked one way or another so if it was ever to get out my whole reputation and relationship with people ive know since I was 5 years old would also be ruined. Also all the ties he has with family, her family and his little kids all not worth it and I'd rather not be known as the home wrecker who steals womens men. As much as I like him im trying ti focus more on the reality and practicalities of it all.

It just wouldn't work and not only my life would be ruined so would alot of others. I feel even more ashamed now that I know there's women who know me well and his wife really well that I feel really ashamed and dirty known I did this to her... I dont know the wife personally but I think I knew of her back in our school days but still, I feel terrible that I've been part of this and how this must make her feel if she was ever to find out.

Part of me is starting to resent him a little as he would have known all this too because of where we live and our school days etc so even when he pursued me he should have known too many people would he involved. If he was wanting to cheat he should have picked someone who wasn't linked to so many people to his and her friends and family. But I guess also got myself to blame for that too as I was totally blind due to the attention and attraction I developed for him.

Such a mess but I will keep you updated on my progress.

How have you got on today? Feeling any better or any set backs?

@Buttercupp

If you had asked me this morning how I was I would have said ‘still broken’ I actually spent most of the morning crying over it all as my head and heart are still very much at war with each other since I ended things. BUT

i have just had a most interesting conversation with a male dance friend where I ended up telling him about my affair with the MM from dance. 
Not only did he know who he was. 
He also knew there have been x2 other prior incidents at dance venues near where he lives where he has targeted ladies.  
On slapped him and he got asked to leave the venue.  Another lady reported him to a venue manager as stalking and harassing her and the manager had words with him.  His reputation apparently does totally preceded him.  And then he ended up at my venue and I fell for it all.  
So I now feel so much better than I have in a long time.  
I now know he is exactly who he is when his true colours are exposed.  
I know he gaslighted me everytime I questioned him or challenged him about anything. 
And I know without doubt in my head or heart now that his wife really should be told. In 5 years of marriage that is now x5 different women he’s been linked to.  
We haven’t worked out quite how to tell her but  if he’s stalked/harassed women before and moves to new dance venues once things get a bit difficult at others then he’s clearly not going to stop doing that once the new baby is born and he’s got even less attention from his wife.  
I am such a MUG for falling for it. But at least now I am clear who he is, what my role was, where all the lies and deception was applied and what I now want to take forward as a lesson learnt from it all.  One phone call to the right person and my heart and head are back together.  
 

I think for all the reasons you’ve described above and for the sheer audacity of this bloke to keep perusing you even though he’s married.  You need to take @NYAG’S advice and delete/block and walk away. It will be soooo tough to do but ultimately the very best thing you can do for yourself.  

[Buttercupp]

@Minnie Moo first of all after reading all that I want to say I am really sorry you've went through all that and finding out hes done this before must be hard to digest but at the same time must give you some clarity on who this man really is..... and that is..  not a very nice person. Everything he has done is abusive.. the fact you said he was gaslighting you is signs of emotional abuse...also the fact there are a number of women hes been linked to also makes me wonder, does his wife know and just ignores it as there is no way a woman can ignore signs, behaviours etc but then again we can be blind to a man's actions. As we have been... in my eyes these men are dangerous because look what its doing to us who are not even married to them? So imagine how their wives feel of this ever came out...... I really hope you can move on from this man. He is toxic they all are x

[Minnie Moo]

7 hours ago, Buttercupp said:

@Minnie Moo first of all after reading all that I want to say I am really sorry you've went through all that and finding out hes done this before must be hard to digest but at the same time must give you some clarity on who this man really is..... and that is..  not a very nice person. Everything he has done is abusive.. the fact you said he was gaslighting you is signs of emotional abuse...also the fact there are a number of women hes been linked to also makes me wonder, does his wife know and just ignores it as there is no way a woman can ignore signs, behaviours etc but then again we can be blind to a man's actions. As we have been... in my eyes these men are dangerous because look what its doing to us who are not even married to them? So imagine how their wives feel of this ever came out...... I really hope you can move on from this man. He is toxic they all are x

Hi @Buttercupp

The more I find out about his past and current behaviour the more I realise how gullible I was and how I totally ignored any and all red flags that appeared. I was so bowled over by his attention and affection.  

I can’t imagine his wife doesn’t have her suspicions but he’s so conflict avoidant. Such a well practised liar and so good at leaving out crucial information that she’s probably thinking it’s harmless flirting, or that the women are all coming on to him and he’s the one trying to fend them off. We’re all crazy and he doesn’t know why we won’t leave him alone...he is married afterall.  
I also think maybe she’s as co dependent in the relationship as I was in the affair and chooses to take his version of events and ignore her own red flags as that would mean seeing him for who he is. 
As soon as my friend said the words stalking and harassment yesterday the blinkers fell from my eyes and my heart suddenly rejected every lie I’d told myself about him.  I actually think he is a predator and knows exactly what he’s doing but I’m maybe the only one he’s managed to get to properly.  The other women either slapped him, reported him and/or blocked him. I’m still convinced he has had sex  with his dance partner though.  
 

I do think she needs to have the information about what he is doing behind her back but I have no idea how to get that too her or how to put it to her either. Plus he lied about her due date so instead of it being June. It’s actually end of April which means now really isn’t a good time to be telling her. 
 

🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️ 
 

The tangled webs we weave really are so difficult to untangle.  
I will never ever go near a married man again. And I will make sure I do as thorough investigation as possible into who someone is before I believe a word they tell me.  

Edited March 13, 2021 by Minnie Moo

[Buttercupp]

@Minnie Moo I am so glad you are seeing him now for who he truly is.

That your heart now is taking over and rejecting his lies etc which will help you freely move on. These men are disgusting and yes we played our parts but we were sucked in by their lies and charm. For me loneliness played a massive part in me falling for him. But I do feel ashamed.

I woke up today not as hurt by it all, I haven't blocked him yet but I'm slowly easing myself away from checking if he sent me a private message on Instagram etc im slowly no longer caring how he is or how he's feeling as he's not really cared about how I've felt.

And yeah probably not the best time to tell the wife now if she's due in April but again when is there ever going to be a good time.

I feel she does have a right to know because if she isnt suspecting anything and going about her days thinking her husband is loyal and loving only to her then she does deserve to know but at the same time I would be scared about her reaction towards you. Do you want her to know he had an affair with you?

Thats what I would be worried about is everyone's reaction towards the other woman but at the same time he doesn't deserve to just get away with this and hurting all these people.

I've decided in my situation im not going to tell his wife. I was tempted when I was really angry but due to our very small circle of people who know each other, im staying quiet on my part and just going to try move on. 

If he's cheated before or does it again then his wife will find out one day but im hoping by then ivr moved on and im over this whole horrid affair.

Like you im never going near a married man again. I know many married men who have always flirted or acted badly behind their wives backs and I really don't understand why they are married in the first place. If any married man comes near me, flirts with me or private messages me I will be blocking them as I am not falling for anything like this again its toxic and hurtful.

Hopefully we can move on and find nice single men with no ties attached to them:)

[HadMeOverABarrel]

2 hours ago, Buttercupp said:

she does have a right to know because if she isnt suspecting anything and going about her days thinking her husband is loyal and loving only to her then she does deserve to know but at the same time I would be scared about her reaction towards you. Do you want her to know he had an affair with you?

^^^^^^^^Many other women arrive at this place along their journey in distancing themselves from MM. Perhaps it's in a quest to regain a sense of propriety within the OW.

The problem I see with this is it is based on a bunch of assumptions. How do we know what a betrayed spouse is thinking? Isn't awfully ostentatious of us to make such assumptions? Do we really know the state of her marriage, or do we just know what the lying, cheating spouse has said (not a credible source of info) or our own projections/beliefs rather than actual facts?

I say tread lightly. Who are we as OW to march in with an air of righteousness (pretending to now save betrayed spouse from their philandering partner)? Is that really our place?  Would that not be incredibly insulting to a betrayed spouse to be rescued by one of her perpetrators who claims to know more about her own marriage than she does?

You cannot possibly know what she knows or doesn't know about her philandering husband, nor is it proper for you to make decisions for her about what is right for her or her marriage.

I say focus on tending your own garden and leave betrayed spouse alone. Put your energy into how YOU got into this mess rather than focusing on betrayed spouse. 

[Buttercupp]

23 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

^^^^^^^^Many other women arrive at this place along their journey in distancing themselves from MM. Perhaps it's in a quest to regain a sense of propriety within the OW.

The problem I see with this is it is based on a bunch of assumptions. How do we know what a betrayed spouse is thinking? Isn't awfully ostentatious of us to make such assumptions? Do we really know the state of her marriage, or do we just know what the lying, cheating spouse has said (not a credible source of info) or our own projections/beliefs rather than actual facts?

I say tread lightly. Who are we as OW to march in with an air of righteousness (pretending to now save betrayed spouse from their philandering partner)? Is that really our place?  Would that not be incredibly insulting to a betrayed spouse to be rescued by one of her perpetrators who claims to know more about her own marriage than she does?

You cannot possibly know what she knows or doesn't know about her philandering husband, nor is it proper for you to make decisions for her about what is right for her or her marriage.

I say focus on tending your own garden and leave betrayed spouse alone. Put your energy into how YOU got into this mess rather than focusing on betrayed spouse. 

@HadMeOverABarrelI totally agree. In reality I would never tell the spouse as it isnt my place at all. 

All im doing now is trying to move on and put this behind me as a mistake and learn from it.

We all deserve better and the spouse does too. Regardless of what is going on in their marriages it isnt our place to tell them.. as you said we already did our part by getting involved with their men. Which is horrendous to even admit.

The MM I was involved with never spoke about his wife to me and I never asked anything except I asked if he was truly happy and he couldn't answer me.

He spoke about his little kids more and would say it was the guilt when he saw their faces that took over and what made him want to stop all this which I completely understand as the kids are young and will see him as their hero and heres me getting involved and hoping he would come and be with me when in reality he already has a life, family, kids etc and I for one do not want to be the woman that ruins those kids image of their dad, I also don't want to hurt or ruin another women's view of her husband or relationships in general. So thats why I'm stepping away as much as I'm hurt, I will heal and its better to walk away now. I think I am hurting more now as I'm more ashamed of what I done and ashamed of my own behaviour, so I'm beating myself up for being the OW but time is a great healer as they say.

Hes back at home concentrating on his wife and kids and thats the way it should be and im at my home concentrating on my own life which doesn't and won't involve him.

[Buttercupp]

Hi @Minnie Moo how have you been the past few days?

Ive had a few down moments but ive not made any contact with my ex MM and still haven't blocked him ive just refused to make contact because what I realised is he used to only contacted me when it was convenient for him and when it was on his terms. Now because its not convenient for him I thought no, im not doing this, I'm not gonna chase or put myself out to someone who started all this, then ended it but wants to remain friends yet does nothing to show when it comes to an actual friendship. So its kept me angry and that anger is keeping me from contacting him.

It still hurts but its my motivation to stay away as its clear I was being used. 

So was just checking in and Wondering how you've been getting on?

[Minnie Moo]

23 minutes ago, Buttercupp said:

Hi @Minnie Moo how have you been the past few days?

Ive had a few down moments but ive not made any contact with my ex MM and still haven't blocked him ive just refused to make contact because what I realised is he used to only contacted me when it was convenient for him and when it was on his terms. Now because its not convenient for him I thought no, im not doing this, I'm not gonna chase or put myself out to someone who started all this, then ended it but wants to remain friends yet does nothing to show when it comes to an actual friendship. So its kept me angry and that anger is keeping me from contacting him.

It still hurts but its my motivation to stay away as its clear I was being used. 

So was just checking in and Wondering how you've been getting on?

Hi @Buttercupp

Glad to hear you’re ok and doing well with the no contact.  Keep going.  You’re doing so well. Have you thought about what you’re going to do if he does contact you again as you haven’t blocked him? I’m hoping he doesn’t but if he does it’s worth having a strategy in place to deal with that. ie: don’t read and just delete it or read and then delete and block???  
It’s the leaving the door open that worries me. I’ve totally slammed all mine shut as I know I would still fall straight back into it if he managed to charm me again and make me doubt my fears over him.  
 

I’m ok today thank you.  Mainly cos I’ve kept myself busy.  It’s the quiet moments especially in the evening/night when he would have rung that I’m still struggling with the loneliness and worry over whether I’ll ever find someone again who I adore as much as I adored him.  
Currently my thoughts on that are No I won’t.  
 

I have my counselling assessment session on Weds so I’m hoping that will help me start to unpick my brain and why it let me get involved in such a toxic, unhealthy situation.  
 

I think best we can do is distract ourselves any which way we can, keep talking to people who will listen and help you talk it through, and in time hopefully the memory of them will fade and not bring our emotions to the fore when we think of them.  I still cry every day but it’s getting less and less 🤞 

Good luck and keep on keeping on x 

[Buttercupp]

@Minnie Moo

Glad to hear your doing good as well and please let me know how your counselling goes as I have now reached out to one and arranging a session as I feel I need that help to change my mind set... that is when I think ill know what to do if and when he reaches out to me which I think he will because he hasnt blocked me completely. At this moment in time if he was to message me right now... I'd ignore it because I am angry and have nothing to say to him. Because if I do say anything that isnt on his terms then he would ignore it so I would just ignore if he did. 

However my issue is...when I start to feel better and this is when I feel men their radars out and go "oh shes happy again... let's worm away back in" thats what worries me because if ive worked hard to get over him and then let him slide into my private messages and I give in then im back at square one BUT at the same time if I stay angry which I think I will.... I won't respond. That I know for a fact.

Im having the same thoughts as youn the thoughts are will I ever meet a man like him again , wil someone be as attracted to me as much as he was and right now im feeling so bad about myself that I feel that I won't have that again.  Even though I dont want a married man lol I want him... or is it the idea of him I want?? Thats what I need to figure out.

I had a feeling another reason why he has blocked me just on Facebook is because I now have a gut feeling his wife might be pregnant and he blocked me so I dont see the announcement. He doesn't post much on his Instagram and hasn't posted anything about his wife on there in over a year so he wouldn't post about the pregnancy on there but would of Facebook sooo my gut is telling me that's why he did that to me and denied it when I asked about blocking me as he's the type of guy who wouldn't want to admit he was doing the dirty behind his pregnant wives back... I could be wrong but my gut is telling me that there's more to the whole out of the blue blocking scenario..... but it is what it is if that is the case. Nothing I can do but I think if he cant be man enough to tell me that then he isnt the man I ever thought he was.

Sometimes these men get themselves into situations they think they can handle. With my xMM I believe he didn't really think any of this through... I dont believe he intended to hurt anyone but has and this is his way of dealing with it. I dont know but im staying angry as it helps me.

I feel this forum helps as when I have movements of weakness I come here and send a message or read people's replies and it saves me from doing something stupid. So this definitely helps.

Please keep me updated on how you get on and also with your counselling xx

[Minnie Moo]

11 hours ago, Buttercupp said:

@Minnie Moo

Glad to hear your doing good as well and please let me know how your counselling goes as I have now reached out to one and arranging a session as I feel I need that help to change my mind set... that is when I think ill know what to do if and when he reaches out to me which I think he will because he hasnt blocked me completely. At this moment in time if he was to message me right now... I'd ignore it because I am angry and have nothing to say to him. Because if I do say anything that isnt on his terms then he would ignore it so I would just ignore if he did. 

However my issue is...when I start to feel better and this is when I feel men their radars out and go "oh shes happy again... let's worm away back in" thats what worries me because if ive worked hard to get over him and then let him slide into my private messages and I give in then im back at square one BUT at the same time if I stay angry which I think I will.... I won't respond. That I know for a fact.

Im having the same thoughts as youn the thoughts are will I ever meet a man like him again , wil someone be as attracted to me as much as he was and right now im feeling so bad about myself that I feel that I won't have that again.  Even though I dont want a married man lol I want him... or is it the idea of him I want?? Thats what I need to figure out.

I had a feeling another reason why he has blocked me just on Facebook is because I now have a gut feeling his wife might be pregnant and he blocked me so I dont see the announcement. He doesn't post much on his Instagram and hasn't posted anything about his wife on there in over a year so he wouldn't post about the pregnancy on there but would of Facebook sooo my gut is telling me that's why he did that to me and denied it when I asked about blocking me as he's the type of guy who wouldn't want to admit he was doing the dirty behind his pregnant wives back... I could be wrong but my gut is telling me that there's more to the whole out of the blue blocking scenario..... but it is what it is if that is the case. Nothing I can do but I think if he cant be man enough to tell me that then he isnt the man I ever thought he was.

Sometimes these men get themselves into situations they think they can handle. With my xMM I believe he didn't really think any of this through... I dont believe he intended to hurt anyone but has and this is his way of dealing with it. I dont know but im staying angry as it helps me.

I feel this forum helps as when I have movements of weakness I come here and send a message or read people's replies and it saves me from doing something stupid. So this definitely helps.

Please keep me updated on how you get on and also with your counselling xx

@Buttercupp If you have an inkling his wife might be pregnant then you are probably right. I found that out the hard way.  He deflected my query and left me in the dark for months.  
Is there any way of finding out discreetly through your circle of female friends? If she is then you can strengthen your resolve even more to stay away from him.  
I still think you blocking him would be a good idea as then you won’t have the nagging ‘what if’ thought or the faint ‘hope’ that he’ll reach out.  You can be free of those.  It’s not a pleasant feeling to block someone. I’m hating the fact me and exMM have both blocked each other BUT I knew it would be the only way things would end.  
when I managed x5 days of NC over Xmas and thought I could quietly walk, he noticed and messaged.  So yes you may well get to feeling good again and then he’ll be back ‘to check in’ Don’t risk it. 
 

Ive been doing a lot of asking around about my exMM something I didn’t dare do when I was involved with him.  And I’m finding more and more evidence that he has ‘form’. Someone who knew him through dance years ago said he seems to

‘attach himself to one girl for a while, get real close and then f*ck it up somehow and they end up not talking’  
so pretty much what happened with me.  
another friend has asked his female friends and they came back saying they heard he was ‘a player’ 

I just wish to goodness I’d done all this checking out of who he was in the very beginning and had enough presence of mind to walk away as soon as I found out he was married. I hadn’t been dancing long and didn’t know my friends in the community as well as I do now to have asked them. Would’ve saved myself a year and a half of hassle if I had.  
 

i don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for overriding the bit of my brain that was shouting ‘don’t do it’ when we first got together. And if I do meet anyone new I’ll be sure to ask around about them first before getting involved.  
 

ive done a lot of reading and this forum has been an amazing help too. I kinda know the insecurities and fears, wants and needs that let me override my morals/principles and accept the affair situation.  I need to find ways to process and resolve those so I don’t let them win out ever again.  And every time I’m sad or down about it - or feeling sorry for him (which I did last night as he’s clearly unhappy in his life) I need to distract myself and focus on something/someone good in my life.  
 

Pleased you have sought counselling also. 

[Minnie Moo]

11 hours ago, Buttercupp said:

Sometimes these men get themselves into situations they think they can handle. With my xMM I believe he didn't really think any of this through... I dont believe he intended to hurt anyone but has and this is his way of dealing with it. I dont know but im staying angry as it helps me.

Being angry is good. Use the anger to make positive changes to try resolve the situation. Do other things that distract you too. I find a good music blast, singing at the top of my voice whilst angry cleaning the house really helps or angry cutting down shrubs in the garden. Anything that gets the energy up to push them out of your head.  

I think the stage we’re trying to get to though is acceptance of what’s happened and our role in it and then indifference to the exMM and his life. We stop caring, worrying, thinking about them and even if they do pop into our heads we have enough other stuff going on to just ignore the thought.  
 

I have a good friend I was talking to last night. She’s same age as me (45) and had been in an on/off affair with a MM for over 5 years!!!!! She was married when she met him but her husband was severely ill and sadly died. He was married with youngish kids.  She was in love with him.  He told her he loved her but he would never leave his wife and kids.  
when she did ask him what he would do if he ever got divorced he said he would move to London. My friend didn’t figure in his plans at all, anywhere.  Last November he text her something to do with meeting up to have sex and she had a lightbulb moment and told him never to contact her again.  He’s tried reaching out several times since and she just ignores him and doesn’t reply.  He hasn’t tried since early Feb.  
she says she now doesn’t miss him, rarely thinks about him, realises how much he used her and haD his cake and ate it and how much she let him get away with in his treatment of her.  So 5 months down the line she is in a far better place than she was.  
we have to realise we are only a few weeks in to NC so it is going to take a bit more time to feel stronger about it all.  
 

We’ll get there.  

[Negotaurus]

On 3/13/2021 at 3:32 PM, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Who are we as OW to march in with an air of righteousness (pretending to now save betrayed spouse from their philandering partner)? Is that really our place?  Would that not be incredibly insulting to a betrayed spouse to be rescued by one of her perpetrators who claims to know more about her own marriage than she does?

You cannot possibly know what she knows or doesn't know about her philandering husband, nor is it proper for you to make decisions for her about what is right for her or her marriage.

I say focus on tending your own garden and leave betrayed spouse alone. Put your energy into how YOU got into this mess rather than focusing on betrayed spouse. 

It isn't about "being a savior". It's about finally being selfless and taking accountability for knowingly enabling somebody to cause pain to a, most likely, clueless yet suspecting spouse. When it comes to OW/OM relationships, a lot of it has to do with selfishness. Why keep insisting these people to stay selfish, instead of helping them become better. I always see OW and OM saying "don't tell" but it's seriously ironic to me. Telling them should never be about YOU. It's about THEM, for once. 

And if you know that somebody is being stabbed in the back. Yes, it is your place to tell. Don't worry about insulting them if you're the OW/OM, you've already done that. Make it better now. Let them know what is being done to them and leave them to pick up the pieces so they can heal. 

I don't intend to come off as mean or condescending. I do hope you see my point. 

Edited March 16, 2021 by Negotaurus

[Minnie Moo]

47 minutes ago, Negotaurus said:

It isn't about "being a savior". It's about finally being selfless and taking accountability for knowingly enabling somebody to cause pain to a, most likely, clueless yet suspecting spouse. When it comes to OW/OM relationships, a lot of it has to do with selfishness. Why keep insisting these people to stay selfish, instead of helping them become better. I always see OW and OM saying "don't tell" but it's seriously ironic to me. Telling them should never be about YOU. It's about THEM, for once. 

And if you know that somebody is being stabbed in the back. Yes, it is your place to tell. Don't worry about insulting them if you're the OW/OM, you've already done that. Make it better now. Let them know what is being done to them and leave them to pick up the pieces so they can heal. 

I don't intend to come off as mean or condescending. I do hope you see my point. 

So well put.  
I’m still in a quandary.  The souse of my exMM is heavily pregnant.  I don’t think her knowing at this point in time is fair or safe - especially coming directly from me.  
 

One day I think her knowing is the ‘fairest’ thing to do and the next day I think ‘ignorance is bliss’ 

He won’t ever tell her as he will be back out doing the same thing with someone else once we’re allowed back to dancing.  

But surely it’s not my place to interfere any further. I’ve already caused enough ‘unknown’ damage. 

[Minnie Moo]

51 minutes ago, Negotaurus said:

It isn't about "being a savior". It's about finally being selfless and taking accountability for knowingly enabling somebody to cause pain to a, most likely, clueless yet suspecting spouse. When it comes to OW/OM relationships, a lot of it has to do with selfishness. Why keep insisting these people to stay selfish, instead of helping them become better. I always see OW and OM saying "don't tell" but it's seriously ironic to me. Telling them should never be about YOU. It's about THEM, for once. 

And if you know that somebody is being stabbed in the back. Yes, it is your place to tell. Don't worry about insulting them if you're the OW/OM, you've already done that. Make it better now. Let them know what is being done to them and leave them to pick up the pieces so they can heal. 

I don't intend to come off as mean or condescending. I do hope you see my point. 

@Negotaurus you don’t come across as mean or condescending at all.  It’s a very valid point but one that I can’t make a decision on either way and your input is very enlightening 

[Negotaurus]

4 hours ago, Minnie Moo said:

So well put.  
I’m still in a quandary.  The souse of my exMM is heavily pregnant.  I don’t think her knowing at this point in time is fair or safe - especially coming directly from me.  
 

One day I think her knowing is the ‘fairest’ thing to do and the next day I think ‘ignorance is bliss’ 

He won’t ever tell her as he will be back out doing the same thing with someone else once we’re allowed back to dancing.  

But surely it’s not my place to interfere any further. I’ve already caused enough ‘unknown’ damage. 

I’m so glad you accepted my thoughts on this! I do struggle with getting my point across sometimes since English isn’t my first or even second language, so again, if I came across like a bum I apologise >.<. 
 

Whatever you do, it’s 100% your choice. The world will keep spinning with you on top of it no matter what and you’ll be just fine. You’re still healing and picking up the pieces, I am sorry you are hurting, I hope you get some clarity soon enough and that you will find the right path for yourself. 
 

Take some time, be patient with yourself, you’ll know what to do when it’s time. 

[Minnie Moo]

41 minutes ago, Negotaurus said:

I’m so glad you accepted my thoughts on this! I do struggle with getting my point across sometimes since English isn’t my first or even second language, so again, if I came across like a bum I apologise >.<. 
 

Whatever you do, it’s 100% your choice. The world will keep spinning with you on top of it no matter what and you’ll be just fine. You’re still healing and picking up the pieces, I am sorry you are hurting, I hope you get some clarity soon enough and that you will find the right path for yourself. 
 

Take some time, be patient with yourself, you’ll know what to do when it’s time. 

You don’t come across as a bum at all. 

There are people who say the spouse should be told and others who say they shouldn’t.  I personally believe they have a right to know but ideally that information should come from their spouse who is doing the cheating. 
 

I can’t decide one way or the other as I know he will not have told her and if she has any suspicions about any of his behaviour he would have directly lied/lied by omission/totally gaslighted her on them as thats how he behaved with me. 
He is also incredibly conflict avoidant so if she’s ever challenged him upfront about any inklings he would totally shut down and not respond.  

I don’t want to approach her directly as she’s heavily pregnant and I wouldn’t want to put that stress/upset onto a pregnant lady. Which is also another excuse he’ll have given himself for not telling her.  But I do think she needs to know before he’s back out there doing it all over again. 

so very conflicted and confused over it all.  Wishing I’d never ever met him! 

[Buttercupp]

12 hours ago, Minnie Moo said:

@Buttercupp If you have an inkling his wife might be pregnant then you are probably right. I found that out the hard way.  He deflected my query and left me in the dark for months.  
Is there any way of finding out discreetly through your circle of female friends? If she is then you can strengthen your resolve even more to stay away from him.  
I still think you blocking him would be a good idea as then you won’t have the nagging ‘what if’ thought or the faint ‘hope’ that he’ll reach out.  You can be free of those.  It’s not a pleasant feeling to block someone. I’m hating the fact me and exMM have both blocked each other BUT I knew it would be the only way things would end.  
when I managed x5 days of NC over Xmas and thought I could quietly walk, he noticed and messaged.  So yes you may well get to feeling good again and then he’ll be back ‘to check in’ Don’t risk it. 
 

Ive been doing a lot of asking around about my exMM something I didn’t dare do when I was involved with him.  And I’m finding more and more evidence that he has ‘form’. Someone who knew him through dance years ago said he seems to

‘attach himself to one girl for a while, get real close and then f*ck it up somehow and they end up not talking’  
so pretty much what happened with me.  
another friend has asked his female friends and they came back saying they heard he was ‘a player’ 

I just wish to goodness I’d done all this checking out of who he was in the very beginning and had enough presence of mind to walk away as soon as I found out he was married. I hadn’t been dancing long and didn’t know my friends in the community as well as I do now to have asked them. Would’ve saved myself a year and a half of hassle if I had.  
 

i don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for overriding the bit of my brain that was shouting ‘don’t do it’ when we first got together. And if I do meet anyone new I’ll be sure to ask around about them first before getting involved.  
 

ive done a lot of reading and this forum has been an amazing help too. I kinda know the insecurities and fears, wants and needs that let me override my morals/principles and accept the affair situation.  I need to find ways to process and resolve those so I don’t let them win out ever again.  And every time I’m sad or down about it - or feeling sorry for him (which I did last night as he’s clearly unhappy in his life) I need to distract myself and focus on something/someone good in my life.  
 

Pleased you have sought counselling also. 

Hi @Minnie Moo

Yeah my gut is telling me that is the main reason I got blocked before I dont believe it was just because it was their wedding anniversary so I feel there was more too it and the fact he was so adamant he didn't block me and that he had simply just deleted his page (which he hasn't as my friend searched for him and found his page but its all private so no public posts) and said that ive over reacted over fb made me think he's doing his best to avoid any conflict or admission of more guilt by saying "well I blocked you because of X Y & Z" so yes maybe it was a act of kindness in his head. But it still bothers me as I feel its something he could of spoken to me about and I would have understood and accepted but again men think and act differently to us. Im still on his other social media sooo... thats the biggest issue because like you said you had 5 days of NC at Xmas and you felt you could slip away quietly but he came back. Same thing happed to me last month I didnt contact him at all for a week and then I got the wee notification that I had a message and it was him "heyy, how have you been?" And I remember staring going... do I just ignore this... but nope I responded and then before we know it back ar square one. He did admit the last time we sort of argued, he said he felt to blame because he reached out and felt maybe I was ok to be friends but by reaching out it messed me up again so my argument to that was "well if thats the case why do you want to remain friends when you feel your to blame when you reach out and then setting me back everytime?"... but he would only say "I don't know,  but I want us to remain friends" so that confused me. He told me constantly how much he was attracted to me and would think about me all the time but his guilt just takes over too much. He says I'm a good person and dont deserve this.

But that was 4 days before he then blocked me so I think I took it hard that he said that yet still blocked me so the inkling ive got is.. shes pregnant.

Ive thought about trying to find out via the mutual connections but I think it would suspicious if I suddenly starting asking questions... so I dont think ill find out until there is maybe a baby shower or when baby is born as some of the ladies I know will be invited to those events (obviously if lockdowns eases and those events are allowed) but ill see via my connections Facebook or Instagram if they post pics with her... if that makes sense.

I think he will tell me though maybe not at this moment in time but I think in a few months when the storm has settled, I have a feeling ill get an apology message and a confession message. He seems like that type of person because last year when he randomly messaged me telling me how much he liked me and pretty much hinting about meeting up. I ignored his messages then and a few days later he messaged again saying sorry for the straight to the point and inappropriate message and if I would forgive him. At that point thatd when I said yes I forgive you but didn't respond because arnt you a married man and that is when he said "I was married" so last tense.... thats when I started to acknowledge more and more....

 

Anyhow I digress but im like you, I'm struggling to forgive myself that I ignored my morals and my voice telling me to stay away. But maybe the counselling will help us both to forgive ourselves because we made a mistake and now we are learning from it.

These forums are definitely helping me so thank you to you also for your input and advice xx

[Buttercupp]

12 hours ago, Minnie Moo said:

Being angry is good. Use the anger to make positive changes to try resolve the situation. Do other things that distract you too. I find a good music blast, singing at the top of my voice whilst angry cleaning the house really helps or angry cutting down shrubs in the garden. Anything that gets the energy up to push them out of your head.  

I think the stage we’re trying to get to though is acceptance of what’s happened and our role in it and then indifference to the exMM and his life. We stop caring, worrying, thinking about them and even if they do pop into our heads we have enough other stuff going on to just ignore the thought.  
 

I have a good friend I was talking to last night. She’s same age as me (45) and had been in an on/off affair with a MM for over 5 years!!!!! She was married when she met him but her husband was severely ill and sadly died. He was married with youngish kids.  She was in love with him.  He told her he loved her but he would never leave his wife and kids.  
when she did ask him what he would do if he ever got divorced he said he would move to London. My friend didn’t figure in his plans at all, anywhere.  Last November he text her something to do with meeting up to have sex and she had a lightbulb moment and told him never to contact her again.  He’s tried reaching out several times since and she just ignores him and doesn’t reply.  He hasn’t tried since early Feb.  
she says she now doesn’t miss him, rarely thinks about him, realises how much he used her and haD his cake and ate it and how much she let him get away with in his treatment of her.  So 5 months down the line she is in a far better place than she was.  
we have to realise we are only a few weeks in to NC so it is going to take a bit more time to feel stronger about it all.  
 

We’ll get there.  

Yes I agree its the indifference I want to get to the no longer caring, wondering, crying.. I want all that to stop. 

And I cant believe your friend could do that for 5 years and such a shame that he said to her that if he divorced he would move to London and that she wasn't even considered in his plan... that must of hurt big time. So glad she is doing better and had that light bulb moment and gained the strength to walk away and ignore so yeah for us it's only a few weeks so we will get there. Come 5 months down the line we will be completely different people and hopefully moved on from this pain we are feeling xx

[Minnie Moo]

1 hour ago, Buttercupp said:

Hi @Minnie Moo

Yeah my gut is telling me that is the main reason I got blocked before I dont believe it was just because it was their wedding anniversary so I feel there was more too it and the fact he was so adamant he didn't block me and that he had simply just deleted his page (which he hasn't as my friend searched for him and found his page but its all private so no public posts) and said that ive over reacted over fb made me think he's doing his best to avoid any conflict or admission of more guilt by saying "well I blocked you because of X Y & Z" so yes maybe it was a act of kindness in his head. But it still bothers me as I feel its something he could of spoken to me about and I would have understood and accepted but again men think and act differently to us. Im still on his other social media sooo... thats the biggest issue because like you said you had 5 days of NC at Xmas and you felt you could slip away quietly but he came back. Same thing happed to me last month I didnt contact him at all for a week and then I got the wee notification that I had a message and it was him "heyy, how have you been?" And I remember staring going... do I just ignore this... but nope I responded and then before we know it back ar square one. He did admit the last time we sort of argued, he said he felt to blame because he reached out and felt maybe I was ok to be friends but by reaching out it messed me up again so my argument to that was "well if thats the case why do you want to remain friends when you feel your to blame when you reach out and then setting me back everytime?"... but he would only say "I don't know,  but I want us to remain friends" so that confused me. He told me constantly how much he was attracted to me and would think about me all the time but his guilt just takes over too much. He says I'm a good person and dont deserve this.

But that was 4 days before he then blocked me so I think I took it hard that he said that yet still blocked me so the inkling ive got is.. shes pregnant.

Ive thought about trying to find out via the mutual connections but I think it would suspicious if I suddenly starting asking questions... so I dont think ill find out until there is maybe a baby shower or when baby is born as some of the ladies I know will be invited to those events (obviously if lockdowns eases and those events are allowed) but ill see via my connections Facebook or Instagram if they post pics with her... if that makes sense.

I think he will tell me though maybe not at this moment in time but I think in a few months when the storm has settled, I have a feeling ill get an apology message and a confession message. He seems like that type of person because last year when he randomly messaged me telling me how much he liked me and pretty much hinting about meeting up. I ignored his messages then and a few days later he messaged again saying sorry for the straight to the point and inappropriate message and if I would forgive him. At that point thatd when I said yes I forgive you but didn't respond because arnt you a married man and that is when he said "I was married" so last tense.... thats when I started to acknowledge more and more....

 

Anyhow I digress but im like you, I'm struggling to forgive myself that I ignored my morals and my voice telling me to stay away. But maybe the counselling will help us both to forgive ourselves because we made a mistake and now we are learning from it.

These forums are definitely helping me so thank you to you also for your input and advice xx

He is giving you the ‘tortured soul’ lines. He wants to be with you but he can’t. He needs to see you but he mustn’t.  So let’s just be friends but ie: he’ll keep you close enough so when he isn’t feeling so guilty and torn he can quickly pull you back in again.  
She is likely pregnant. Even if she isn’t something has happened. You’re right. Don’t go prying if it will raise suspicion. Just block him and walk away.  PLEASE! 

I’ve been told by someone else today that my ex MM was definitely sleeping with his dance partner (but maybe stopped whilst he was seeing me) and was also involved with his dance friend who is in her late 60’s.  At one point he had all 3 of us sat with him at the same event.  I was clueless as to the other two at the time.  He must have felt like he was god’s bloody gift.  

Him keeping you as a friend is an ego stroke to him. He can sooth himself knowing you’re still there waiting.  Don’t Be.  Keep angry and block him. Take the counselling and work out how to be happy in yourself and then find someone worthy of that happiness and love.  Not a MM who wants a bit on the side.  

You can do it! 

 

[Minnie Moo]

1 hour ago, Buttercupp said:

the fact he was so adamant he didn't block me and that he had simply just deleted his page (which he hasn't as my friend searched for him and found his page but its all private so no public posts) and said that ive over reacted over fb made me think he's doing his best to avoid any conflict or admission of more guilt by saying "well I blocked you because of X Y & Z" so yes maybe it was a act of kindness in

And this just proves that he LIES to you. Or he can’t even remember what he has and hasn’t said to you.  Either way. He’s denying things you know are true. Don’t let him do this as you’ll then question yourself on everything.  
please please just block him totally.  It sends him a clear ‘don’t mess with me’ message and you’ll feel rubbish for a little while but then it will start getting easier.  Promise.  
 

[Minnie Moo]

2 hours ago, Buttercupp said:

thats the biggest issue because like you said you had 5 days of NC at Xmas and you felt you could slip away quietly but he came back. Same thing happed to me last month I didnt contact him at all for a week and then I got the wee notification that I had a message and it was him "heyy, how have you been?" And I remember staring going... do I just ignore this... but nope I responded and then before we know it back ar square one. He did admit the last time we sort of argued, he said he felt to blame because he reached out and felt maybe I was ok to be friends but by reaching out it messed me up again so my argument to that was "well if thats the case why do you want to remain friends when you feel your to blame when you reach out and then setting me back everytime?"... but he would only say "I don't know,  but I want us to remain friends" so that confused me. He told me constantly how much he was attracted to me and would think about me all the time but his guilt just takes over too much. He says I'm a good person and dont deserve this.

Please please just block him. 
he is tying you up in knots in your head and you’re letting him.  
It doesn’t (at the end of the day) matter what he has and hasn’t done, has and hasn’t told you.  He is married and he’s messing with your head, playing with your emotions and likely to break your heart if you keep letting him slip back into messaging you (as a friend at first...) So do the best thing you can do for yourself and block and walk away.  Do it for you and don’t look back.  
 

i read a great quote the other week. 
it was 

‘she broke her own heart holding onto him’ 

 

Edited March 16, 2021 by Minnie Moo

[Buttercupp]

2 hours ago, Minnie Moo said:

He is giving you the ‘tortured soul’ lines. He wants to be with you but he can’t. He needs to see you but he mustn’t.  So let’s just be friends but ie: he’ll keep you close enough so when he isn’t feeling so guilty and torn he can quickly pull you back in again.  
She is likely pregnant. Even if she isn’t something has happened. You’re right. Don’t go prying if it will raise suspicion. Just block him and walk away.  PLEASE! 

I’ve been told by someone else today that my ex MM was definitely sleeping with his dance partner (but maybe stopped whilst he was seeing me) and was also involved with his dance friend who is in her late 60’s.  At one point he had all 3 of us sat with him at the same event.  I was clueless as to the other two at the time.  He must have felt like he was god’s bloody gift.  

Him keeping you as a friend is an ego stroke to him. He can sooth himself knowing you’re still there waiting.  Don’t Be.  Keep angry and block him. Take the counselling and work out how to be happy in yourself and then find someone worthy of that happiness and love.  Not a MM who wants a bit on the side.  

You can do it! 

 

Yeah I totally agree and tonight I had a call with a close friend who's known me all my life and he also knows this MM but I didn't ask him anything about the MM as he was calling me about a family member of mine and we were just catching up as we haven't seen each other in years (and part of me was like omg is this my opportunity to now to try snoop and find out if my xMM wife is pregnant but I decided no, this call isn't even about him, its about me and my life so I didnt even mention his name) anyway on the call we just got chatting about the issues etc and he was saying to me he actually admires me because how I've done everything on my own, im so independent etc and that im such a good person, he then said "when you meet someone when your finally ready then that man will be the luckiest man to be with someone like you"

And my friend wasn't saying all this because I opened up about anything or told him anything we were just chatting about a family issue he was aware of and checking in and then just said all that and more about me and how I am as a person and it was something I needed to hear. As it brought me back to reality that he has known me since I was a little girl and has seen me grow up, go through all sorts of challenges and come out the other end. And to hear that he admires me for it was lovely to hear.

He is also friends with the XMM this particular friend was at the MM wedding so I was tempted to ask about him but I didn't. Even though he said all that nice stuff I then felt guilty because he has no idea that I'm just out an affair with his friend, well I say friend, but he is best pals with my xMM big brother... but still close enough to go to his wedding. 

But tonight helped me see that other people see me differently to how I see myself. My xMM probably sees me the way this friend does but its jaded now because we had this stupid affair. But it was nice to hear tonight and it was also good because I know if this friend of mine ever mentions me just in passing or to discuss me and the xMM is around he will feel so bad because these other people do like me and respect me. And hes almost ruined that by bringing me down and making me hate myself.

So my anger towards him is staying because of that. 

Omg I cant believe you've found all that out? How are you feeling and can't believe 3of you were in the same dance event and you had no idea. I really hope that also gives you some closure that blocking him is the right thing. 

I really hope thats helped you get stronger and see who this man really is. Seems like a serial cheater and I am sorry it happened to you.

You are so much better than that and you know you are so hopefully hearing all that new news on your xMM gives you the strength to no longer be upset or sad. But be angry now be angry at him and what he's done to you.

Your so much better than that. You can do it also