Struggling with end of affair

[torn_heart]

2 hours ago, NYAG said:

To a certain extent he was always using you. That's what they do, that's the situation. You are the OW. The MM that I am mixed up with at the moment told me that in his previous affair he had to end it because his AP wanted more with him and he couldn't offer it. That's the line. He will never leave his wife. He's way too terrified of the outcome. He is resigned to their disjointed relationship until the day he dies. Fine by me. That was a conversation we had before we got started. I would never date an MM I risked falling for. They are non-accessible. It's a stop gap. I think if you're going to get into a situation like this, knowing the limits from the off is so important. Communication is essential. Leave no grey areas and address any that come up. That works for the married partner as well as the AP. @torn_heart I agree you need to go NC. You can't get your head clear when you have influence from either side. Do you fear losing one, or the other, or is it being alone that worries you?

Im afraid of losing either of them. Right now I fear more losing OW than my gf but for reasons I already mentioned. 

The main issue I have is that I feel my relationship with OW is that it's like there are no lies between us. The lies are to the outside world. Kinda weird, I know.

With my gf (it's something I've been looking at with my therapist) there have always been secrets or lies, like, I don't know anything about her past relationships, she didn't want to talk about them when the subject rose when we started. Also she has been lying about her age, which I've never confronted, and some other ones. I know, this doesn't entitles me to cheat on her, but it's something that came up on why I treasure my relationship with OW so much. 

[Stupidkupid]

1 hour ago, torn_heart said:

Im afraid of losing either of them. Right now I fear more losing OW than my gf but for reasons I already mentioned. 

The main issue I have is that I feel my relationship with OW is that it's like there are no lies between us. The lies are to the outside world. Kinda weird, I know.

With my gf (it's something I've been looking at with my therapist) there have always been secrets or lies, like, I don't know anything about her past relationships, she didn't want to talk about them when the subject rose when we started. Also she has been lying about her age, which I've never confronted, and some other ones. I know, this doesn't entitles me to cheat on her, but it's something that came up on why I treasure my relationship with OW so much. 

I think it's okay to have a soft spot for the relationship but while there is any contact you won't be able to clear your head and work out if you want to be in a relationship with anyone at all.

Have you been completely honest with your OW all the way through? If so, that would be monumentally unusual.

The MM (my now partner, as I said before, after 2 years of NC, divorce and therapy for each of us) in my case was largely honest... in that, the things he told me were basically true, but not wholly. I know this as his now ex-wife told me in one of the many calls and e-mails she made to me after he left her and she went through his old e-mails and call logs. She inadvertently confirmed the lies and truths for it all, bringing me an odd closure but I fear making it worse for her.

The reason I tell you this is that I think you saying their are no lies between us cannot be wholly true, there will be omissions etc but for me and my partner, the 'no lies between us' is post the A when he said to me, "You have seen the absolute worst of me, that is the worst person I could ever be. You know my skeletons as you have been a part of them" it was him saying, post therapy, that our relationship is laid bare. But it is so hard in the early stages to be with your AP.

My view is that you need to focus on yourself and cut both women out. If they don't want you afterwards, then fine, at least you will be in a healthy place to move on for yourself. But for now, you do need full NC. It took 2 years of NC and then a further 6 months and almost negotiations. Don't expect to want to go back to either and don't expect them to take you if you do, work through it with your therapist and find a way to make yourself content somehow. Otherwise you may find you are always stuck.

[torn_heart]

On 5/17/2021 at 10:24 AM, Stupidkupid said:

I think it's okay to have a soft spot for the relationship but while there is any contact you won't be able to clear your head and work out if you want to be in a relationship with anyone at all.

Have you been completely honest with your OW all the way through? If so, that would be monumentally unusual.

The MM (my now partner, as I said before, after 2 years of NC, divorce and therapy for each of us) in my case was largely honest... in that, the things he told me were basically true, but not wholly. I know this as his now ex-wife told me in one of the many calls and e-mails she made to me after he left her and she went through his old e-mails and call logs. She inadvertently confirmed the lies and truths for it all, bringing me an odd closure but I fear making it worse for her.

The reason I tell you this is that I think you saying their are no lies between us cannot be wholly true, there will be omissions etc but for me and my partner, the 'no lies between us' is post the A when he said to me, "You have seen the absolute worst of me, that is the worst person I could ever be. You know my skeletons as you have been a part of them" it was him saying, post therapy, that our relationship is laid bare. But it is so hard in the early stages to be with your AP.

My view is that you need to focus on yourself and cut both women out. If they don't want you afterwards, then fine, at least you will be in a healthy place to move on for yourself. But for now, you do need full NC. It took 2 years of NC and then a further 6 months and almost negotiations. Don't expect to want to go back to either and don't expect them to take you if you do, work through it with your therapist and find a way to make yourself content somehow. Otherwise you may find you are always stuck.

Yea, since one day I promised OW to he 100% honest like a year ago, I kept it.

Yesterday, as I expected, she reached out to tell me about the rent payment, and I kept the conversation going for chit chat.

In the afternoon, I has a session with my therapist, and I came into the realization that my relationship with my gf is built into some false pretenses, we have always been very protective of each other, I haven't talked about her about past relationships, and neither she. She is very lonely, almost no friends, her biggest support is her sister that lives in another city, and here I feel that I'm her everything. And found out that myabe even more than love I've felt some responsibility or obligation towards her because of me being her support, now add the guilt of the affair. 

I think I'll have to end this relationship (8 years) and fight the urge to go running to the OW. This is too hard. My therapist told me that maybe the relationship with my gf has been this long, it's also because my affair helped it, without it it might have ended years ago. And damn, I'm kicking myself.

it's been 3 weeks since we "finished" the affair, but feel as sad as day one. 

I know I have to keep the NC, now I can, at least for a month, but the thought of losing her still terrifies me. Even my therapist tells me to keep NC. 

[torn_heart]

Another update.

Yesterday OW called, she told me she couldn't think straight, that couldn't work, that she was struggling because just days prior taking de decision she was at peace with our relationship, it seems to confirm that what triggered this was my first trip with my gf. I told her that I felt the same way and we said we might chat again tomorrow.

Still, I don't see a way on going back to how it was, what hapenned had to happen, things most change, still not 100% sure what to do, but I'm certain this had to happen and I cannot go back to live a double life as I was.

Also, she told me she felt that way, but it might be just to tell me and her decision might still remain and maybe she even found someone else.

Edited May 19, 2021 by torn_heart

[torn_heart]

Hope everyone is doing ok.

In my case OW reached out and we spoke, in some way we agreed on getting back together. 2 days after we had a chat where we had a misunderstanding and she told me she didn't want to know about me until I was single and wanted to be with her, at night I told her I thought it was a misunderstanding but didn't reply.

The next day she reached out again, just for small talk, just like at the beginning, told me she was going to the ginecologist today and that was it. Oh and she told me I was provoking her with my profile picture of WhatsApp (it's just a formal pic)

Today I just checked how it went with the doctor and that's it. 

I remember when we started talking in the very beginning that I told her that I was tired of relationships with too much drama, the attitude of dropping everything and they expecting me to run after them and she told me she was like that. This is the first time I see that side of her and that I really don't want in a relationship. Made me see the good/great things with my gf and the other side of the OW which I was so desperate to go to. 

I'm emotionally exhausted, obviously I'm not running to her, I'll try to keep NC (from my side) and keep going to therapy. The anxiety declined a lot since the day we decided to "get back" because she opened herself up to me and told me what she wants.

Hope everyone is doing fine, or at least better than me. 

[Aether]

@ButtercuppI hope you're doing ok.  

[NYAG]

10 hours ago, torn_heart said:

Hope everyone is doing ok.

In my case OW reached out and we spoke, in some way we agreed on getting back together. 2 days after we had a chat where we had a misunderstanding and she told me she didn't want to know about me until I was single and wanted to be with her, at night I told her I thought it was a misunderstanding but didn't reply.

The next day she reached out again, just for small talk, just like at the beginning, told me she was going to the ginecologist today and that was it. Oh and she told me I was provoking her with my profile picture of WhatsApp (it's just a formal pic)

Today I just checked how it went with the doctor and that's it. 

I remember when we started talking in the very beginning that I told her that I was tired of relationships with too much drama, the attitude of dropping everything and they expecting me to run after them and she told me she was like that. This is the first time I see that side of her and that I really don't want in a relationship. Made me see the good/great things with my gf and the other side of the OW which I was so desperate to go to. 

I'm emotionally exhausted, obviously I'm not running to her, I'll try to keep NC (from my side) and keep going to therapy. The anxiety declined a lot since the day we decided to "get back" because she opened herself up to me and told me what she wants.

Hope everyone is doing fine, or at least better than me. 

I cannot be done with drama. This just sounds like silly games now. You need to go NC and have done with it. Don't leave any room for temptation because this will never end otherwise. Block everywhere and move on.

[Buttercupp]

10 hours ago, torn_heart said:

Hope everyone is doing ok.

In my case OW reached out and we spoke, in some way we agreed on getting back together. 2 days after we had a chat where we had a misunderstanding and she told me she didn't want to know about me until I was single and wanted to be with her, at night I told her I thought it was a misunderstanding but didn't reply.

The next day she reached out again, just for small talk, just like at the beginning, told me she was going to the ginecologist today and that was it. Oh and she told me I was provoking her with my profile picture of WhatsApp (it's just a formal pic)

Today I just checked how it went with the doctor and that's it. 

I remember when we started talking in the very beginning that I told her that I was tired of relationships with too much drama, the attitude of dropping everything and they expecting me to run after them and she told me she was like that. This is the first time I see that side of her and that I really don't want in a relationship. Made me see the good/great things with my gf and the other side of the OW which I was so desperate to go to. 

I'm emotionally exhausted, obviously I'm not running to her, I'll try to keep NC (from my side) and keep going to therapy. The anxiety declined a lot since the day we decided to "get back" because she opened herself up to me and told me what she wants.

Hope everyone is doing fine, or at least better than me. 

@torn_heart hope your doing OK but it does seem that your OW is going through the same roller coaster of emotions that we've all went through.

I have done the exact as her over time, I've messaged my ex MM being absolutely fine and we've met up and he said I seemed happier and content. Next we are meeting and I'm crying and all sort. Then next we are doing NC because I cannot cope with it then I feel better and thats when he reaches out stating he wants to see me and is struggling. Its that old rollercoaster of emotions, it's the constant internal battle then it comes across as confusion and anger at times.

All you can do is keep trying the NC until your completely clear on what you want.

My update and be good to hear your view on it...  well me and my MM met up last week. I messaged him and we had normal chit chat. Then I just asked can we meet to talk. So we did. No hesitation from him. I was really nervous for some reason and remember we hadn't really spoken since he told me not to be honest and open up. So maybe that's why I was nervous.

He came over and we just chatted about work, movies, pretty much general chit chat. Then he asked "so are you OK?" And I just said I wasn't and that I think this needs to stop, as much as I want to see him etc I cant do It..he agreed but went really quiet. Thats when I noticed he seems really down too... so i asked him is he OK? And he hesitated before he answered and then said "I'm OK just tired" but I felt there was more to it. 

I asked him why didn't he want me to speak openly the other week when he didn't know what I was going to say and he replied with "I don't know, I just... (paused) then said I don't know why I said it to you"

So I left it at that as he seemed down. I dont know if it was about us, his home life. Life in general but he wasn't his usual chirpy self.

Before he left, we did have a sweet moment together that gave me a slight insight to how he felt about me, without him saying anything but same time I just wish he did tell me.

Anyway long story short, he left... we haven't spoken apart from I sent a message the other day about something just wishing him well and he replied saying thanks.

Nothing since.

So I'm interested to hear your view on this as you know we've tried NC. He didn't want me to speak openly yet he willingly came to mine when I Asked. To me I get the impression he's just as lost and confused as me but difference is he's married with kids. I dont know but what do you think? 

[Buttercupp]

1 hour ago, Aether said:

@ButtercuppI hope you're doing ok.  

@Aether I'm doing ok, have had my moments of feeling really down but trying to push past it now.

I wrote an update on Torn Hearts post of my latest situation.

 

Hope your doing OK too 

[Lisa]

Thread is currently under review.  Thank you for your patience.

[Lisa]

Update:   This thread has deviated into sharing and supporting among a few posters who are in a similar position.   While it's encouraging to see posters all supporting each other, it becomes confusing having different people posting similar things on the same thread. Because of this, LoveShack's position  is that each poster has their own thread.   Ordinarily, we would split issues by another poster into a new thread, however the discussion has become so intertwined that it's impossible to do so.

With this in mind, we have started a new thread for @Buttercupp    If you wish to offer support, you will find her thread here 

Meanwhile@torn_heart has an existing thread on the topic and can be found here.  Please offer support on his own thread.

 

Edited May 25, 2021 by Lisa

[Lisa]

@Minnie Moo please flag this comment when you return and we will unlock your thread.